How often OP leaves their spouse? Marrying the wrong person?

[olivkazp]

Well, I think there is something wrong with me that makes me naive and doesn't let me accept the facts. You guys are probably right, you speak by experience. I've never experienced this before, I want to think that he's being honest with me but he is a cheater... I need to let all my romantic feelings go... I'm going to see a counselor this Friday. My head is a mess.

[Lobe]

Well, I think there is something wrong with me that makes me naive and doesn't let me accept the facts. You guys are probably right, you speak by experience. I've never experienced this before, I want to think that he's being honest with me but he is a cheater... I need to let all my romantic feelings go... I'm going to see a counselor this Friday. My head is a mess.

 

Here's another term you might not be familiar with:

 

lim·er·ence ˈlimərəns/ noun PSYCHOLOGY

the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

 

Basically, your head is mush because you're drunk on hormones and loopy love. I think what I've read here form the OW who were successful in establishing long term relationships with their MM is the same method a BS uses - go NC and force him to pick. As long as he can have you both, he will. There are a couple of ladies here who are perfectly happy to have their marriage "subsidized" by their affair and one that I think managed to score an "open" affair with the wife's blessing - what is it that you are hoping for?

[cocorico]

I think what I've read here form the OW who were successful in establishing long term relationships with their MM is the same method a BS uses - go NC and force him to pick. As long as he can have you both, he will.

 

 

Um, no.... I don't think any of us now M to our fMM were successful through playing games. If you're doing NC to "force him to pick", you're playing games and that kind of attitude doesn't speak to long term relationship success (for OW or BW or anyone). Nor does the attitude of "pick one". It's not about choosing one woman over another. If it is, how could it last?

 

We ended up together not because I played the "NC game" (I didn't, we didn't do NC at all) but because he recognised he'd outgrown the toxic R he had with the xBW, saw how healthy a proper R could be, and left the M. We'd continued our R throughout, fallen in love, and decided to be together F/T, and have been now for several years.

 

It was never about "having both", for him. It was about how to exit the M with minimum damage to the kids, given the trauma they'd suffered from the last split. If you're dancing around doing the "pick me" routine, whether OW or BW, you're bound to lose even if you "win". He should be the one trying to win you, not the other way around.

[imsosad]

Um, no.... I don't think any of us now M to our fMM were successful through playing games. If you're doing NC to "force him to pick", you're playing games and that kind of attitude doesn't speak to long term relationship success (for OW or BW or anyone). Nor does the attitude of "pick one". It's not about choosing one woman over another. If it is, how could it last?

 

We ended up together not because I played the "NC game" (I didn't, we didn't do NC at all) but because he recognised he'd outgrown the toxic R he had with the xBW, saw how healthy a proper R could be, and left the M. We'd continued our R throughout, fallen in love, and decided to be together F/T, and have been now for several years.

 

It was never about "having both", for him. It was about how to exit the M with minimum damage to the kids, given the trauma they'd suffered from the last split. If you're dancing around doing the "pick me" routine, whether OW or BW, you're bound to lose even if you "win". He should be the one trying to win you, not the other way around.

I agree.

NC is not and should not be a manipulation tool.

I was not playing pick me against his wife,either.

I just realised that at that point in time, he would/could not leave. I went NC because I didnt want an affair. My deep and honest intention in going NC was for me to move past the affair and work on my marriage. I was not holding out until he made his choice,

in a way, he was not relevant to nc. It was the only thing i could do.

After a year of NC, we were both in a different place. We both saw that a year of zero contact did nothing to change how we felt about each other and that it was time for hard decisions.

Implementing nc just to get the guy misses the entire point of nc,imo.

Also, sometimes circumstances do change. My now partner didnt leave his w because i went nc. He couldnt leave a newborn, but he managed to do so with a one year old. I think its crazy,and he knows that i wouldnt have divorced with such a small baby.

Having said all that, i think the OP's main mistake is thinking that if her MM is cheating it must mean he does not love his wife and if he is cheating with her,it must mean he loves her. Two very wrong assumptions,unless proven otherwise.

[elaine567]

An OW who makes it clear she does not want to be in affair and who makes that clear and who is willing to walk if he doesn't make plans to leave his wife, will often raise her status to a MM.

She is not just the OW, willing to be a sex toy and someone who just helps him deceive and cheat on his wife, she is a person in her own right. She can then start looking a lot more like relationship material to him.

 

It can backfire, if all he ever wanted was just "a bit of fun", or he finds absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, or he just responds by finding some other OW, or he doesn't respond well to ultimatums... etc.

But maybe it is better for her to find that out sooner rather than later anyway.

[goodyblue]

Um, no.... I don't think any of us now M to our fMM were successful through playing games. If you're doing NC to "force him to pick", you're playing games and that kind of attitude doesn't speak to long term relationship success (for OW or BW or anyone). Nor does the attitude of "pick one". It's not about choosing one woman over another. If it is, how could it last?

 

We ended up together not because I played the "NC game" (I didn't, we didn't do NC at all) but because he recognised he'd outgrown the toxic R he had with the xBW, saw how healthy a proper R could be, and left the M. We'd continued our R throughout, fallen in love, and decided to be together F/T, and have been now for several years.

 

It was never about "having both", for him. It was about how to exit the M with minimum damage to the kids, given the trauma they'd suffered from the last split. If you're dancing around doing the "pick me" routine, whether OW or BW, you're bound to lose even if you "win". He should be the one trying to win you, not the other way around.

 

We never we t NC either, were in a loving Romantic relationship the entire time. We didn't play games.

[Lobe]

Um, no.... I don't think any of us now M to our fMM were successful through playing games. If you're doing NC to "force him to pick", you're playing games and that kind of attitude doesn't speak to long term relationship success (for OW or BW or anyone). Nor does the attitude of "pick one". It's not about choosing one woman over another. If it is, how could it last?

 

We ended up together not because I played the "NC game" (I didn't, we didn't do NC at all) but because he recognised he'd outgrown the toxic R he had with the xBW, saw how healthy a proper R could be, and left the M. We'd continued our R throughout, fallen in love, and decided to be together F/T, and have been now for several years.

 

It was never about "having both", for him. It was about how to exit the M with minimum damage to the kids, given the trauma they'd suffered from the last split. If you're dancing around doing the "pick me" routine, whether OW or BW, you're bound to lose even if you "win". He should be the one trying to win you, not the other way around.

 

I think maybe I didn't phrase/explain myself well lol. First, I've read several AP stories and they're not all identical, so if you never went NC or put your foot down about your married partner making a decision, this obviously doesn't apply to you and I understand that affairs are not one size fits all.

 

Bottom line: Going NC is never about making a WS choose - it is about protecting yourself and finding a way out of an unhealthy situation, period. The fact that a lot of WSs end up making a "choice" when either their BS or the AP draws clear lines in the sand is merely a side effect, and despite being a good indicator of where the WS's head is at (exit affair or just looking for kibble) it should never be the desired end point of going NC.

 

APs going NC (from what I understand) isn't (and as a BS for me certainly wasn't) about "playing games" but setting healthy boundaries to protect yourself from being manipulated by the push-pull of the WS (who in all actuality is often really getting off on having two people fight for them.) My WH started "wooing" me after d-day and I was not interested in being strung along or played. I think the healthiest thing any person can do for themselves when they are in a situation where they feel like they are being manipulated is to put up a wall and proceed with the regularly scheduled program, no matter how painful. I had to withdraw from my WH completely and start living my life without him in my future, so that I had the time and space I needed to deal with the situation clearly, and not allow my judgment to be clouded by the turbulence and drama of it all. Whether WH made a choice to be with me or not was irrelevant - I needed to look after my own mental health and sanity.

 

Exit affairs are different beasts than side relationships, for sure - it seems like affairs that end up as primary relationships, the WS was unhappy long before the affair started, not as a direct result of rewriting their marriage history to justify the affair once it began. In this situation, the OP believes that her MM is going to leave his wife, but has yet to see evidence that he is serious about it. Chances are good that this is a side relationship, and not the start of happily ever after. Obviously it's a long way off from going to a primary relationship - she says she hasn't ever even asked him for this - but at some point, when she grows impatient living in purgatory, the OP may have to decide if she wants to play "pick me", or go NC and pick up the pieces of her life regardless of what her MM chooses to do.

 

Hopefully that makes more sense...

[Lobe]

An OW who makes it clear she does not want to be in affair and who makes that clear and who is willing to walk if he doesn't make plans to leave his wife, will often raise her status to a MM.

She is not just the OW, willing to be a sex toy and someone who just helps him deceive and cheat on his wife, she is a person in her own right. She can then start looking a lot more like relationship material to him.

 

It can backfire, if all he ever wanted was just "a bit of fun", or he finds absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, or he just responds by finding some other OW, or he doesn't respond well to ultimatums... etc.

But maybe it is better for her to find that out sooner rather than later anyway.

 

This is the pick me dance. While it may be true, it is also the reason it backfires because the desired outcome is to force a decision in the APs favor, not to take back autonomy over his or her own mental and emotional health. The desired outcome of going NC must always be centred around, "I'm going to be OK without you." At that point, the WS's decision becomes irrelevant.

[cocorico]

 

She is not just the OW, willing to be a sex toy and someone who just helps him deceive and cheat on his wife, she is a person in her own right. She can then start looking a lot more like relationship material to him.

 

As an OW, I was never "willing to be a sex toy" etc, I was always a person in my own right, and he never ever considered me otherwise. If he had, he'd have been in the garbage with yesterday's rubbish so fast - and he knew it. I didn't need to play games, threaten (or action) NC, or any such manipulation.

 

And I'm neither "relationship material" nor any other kind of material. I am a person free to choose who I want relationships with,many what kind of relationships. It is not up to anyone else to choose which product label to assign to me - I have my own agency.

 

And I don't think you'll find many OW who feel any differently.

[Lobe]

As an OW, I was never "willing to be a sex toy" etc, I was always a person in my own right, and he never ever considered me otherwise. If he had, he'd have been in the garbage with yesterday's rubbish so fast - and he knew it. I didn't need to play games, threaten (or action) NC, or any such manipulation.

 

And I'm neither "relationship material" nor any other kind of material. I am a person free to choose who I want relationships with,many what kind of relationships. It is not up to anyone else to choose which product label to assign to me - I have my own agency.

 

And I don't think you'll find many OW who feel any differently.

 

I think APs who get dumped or whose MM or MW refuses to advance the relationship eventually feel like they are/were used and treated like a sex toy, though, no?

[ladydesigner]

I think APs who get dumped or whose MM or MW refuses to advance the relationship eventually feel like they are/were used and treated like a sex toy, though, no?

 

Exactly the OW/OM who do not end up with their AP probably feel like they were used.

 

Cocorico your story is a perfect example of an Exit Affair. My parents had one and they are both still married 40 years later! My uncle married his AP and they were together until he died. It does happen, although I think it transitions the way yours did.

[cocorico]

I think APs who get dumped or whose MM or MW refuses to advance the relationship eventually feel like they are/were used and treated like a sex toy, though, no?

 

...as do people in non-A relationships where one person is far more invested than the other, and the less-invested person dumps the more-invested person, or is happy to keep them on as FWB rather than "promoting" them to SO / spouse, whatever. It's not about "what kind of OW to be" and "what games to play to snare your MM", it's about valuing yourself *in any relationship* and ensuring that you get what you need... And if that's not possible, leaving it.

 

*Every* OW is a person in her own right. It is not playing games, or NC, or anything else that makes her such.

[Lobe]

Exactly the OW/OM who do not end up with their AP probably feel like they were used.

 

Cocorico your story is a perfect example of an Exit Affair. My parents had one and they are both still married 40 years later! My uncle married his AP and they were together until he died. It does happen, although I think it transitions the way yours did.

 

I'm going to throw out that as the BS I felt pretty used, too, even though WH ended the affair and asked to come home. I was the one holding down the fort, paying the bills, raising the kids, being the dutiful wife while he was out ruining his AP's life with a fake future. He used his AP to boost his ego, he used me for stability and comfort.

 

Olivkazp, what do YOU want from this relationship? Do you have a desired outcome for yourself? Do you or does he have a timeline in mind? How will you handle his wife's reaction to you being her child's stepmother if she isn't OK with it? I worry you're not thinking about the big picture - I wonder if you might not want to ask some of the successful exit affair partners what challenges they faced and what you might want to prepare for during the transition, while being realistic about the possibility that he doesn't actually intend to leave his wife.

[Lobe]

it's about valuing yourself *in any relationship* and ensuring that you get what you need... And if that's not possible, leaving it.

 

Truth - though a bigger hurdle may be knowing what you need lol.

[Katyp]

I believe strongly that if a MM truly loves and respects his wife more than himself then he would not have an A. As he loves himself more he will always be looking for a bit on the side. I went NC after a 7 yr A because I wanted to see more of my MM and I didn't want to feel that way and I thought it better I be upset than his wife and kids. I protected myself by dumping him. I was single so I could start again but it would have been harder for his wife and kids so I let him go. I never felt used by him in the slightest. I felt more sorry for his wife. He was a very good looking guy so it would have only been a matter of time before he started having his physical needs met by someone else

[BurnedAndLost]

I believe strongly that if a MM truly loves and respects his wife more than himself then he would not have an A. As he loves himself more he will always be looking for a bit on the side. I went NC after a 7 yr A because I wanted to see more of my MM and I didn't want to feel that way and I thought it better I be upset than his wife and kids. I protected myself by dumping him. I was single so I could start again but it would have been harder for his wife and kids so I let him go. I never felt used by him in the slightest. I felt more sorry for his wife. He was a very good looking guy so it would have only been a matter of time before he started having his physical needs met by someone else

Sorry but wut? Being good looking make you cheat?

[Katyp]

The point I am making is that when they are good looking they are more attractive to women and therefore have more opportunities to cheat. Its not that hard to understand.

[imperfectangel]

Yeah you could always be a decent man and say no

[cocorico]

Sorry but wut? Being good looking make you cheat?

 

Probably a necessary but not sufficient condition. I'm guessing trolls have a hard time finding APs - unless they own film studios, luxury yachts or recording companies....

[Furious]

Long story short. I am a mistress that fell in love with my MM. According to his words, he is ready to divorce his wife to be with me. And now my question is, how do we know if its love and not an affair fog...? Some people here mentioned that it most likely is a fog, I just started wondering.... I thought it's some sort of love (a real thing) but I may be wrong...

Plus, how often OPs actually divorce their spouses for an affair partners? Is there anyone who done that? If yes, how is your life going? Was it hard?

 

Yes, some people divorce and marry their affair partner. In one case I know of an OM married his affair partner and many years later divorced her for an OW.

[elaine567]

Probably a necessary but not sufficient condition. I'm guessing trolls have a hard time finding APs - unless they own film studios, luxury yachts or recording companies....

 

Maybe, but if they look hard enough, there is always some needy, vulnerable person around who is just so grateful for the attention, any attention.

The office "hottie" may be out of his league, but the shy and plainer backroom girl who is having no luck dating anyone or who is in a dead end marriage, may be ripe for the picking.

[Katyp]

Maybe, but if they look hard enough, there is always some needy, vulnerable person around who is just so grateful for the attention, any attention.

The office "hottie" may be out of his league, but the shy and plainer backroom girl who is having no luck dating anyone or who is in a dead end marriage, may be ripe for the picking.

 

I agree with this. A lot of the affair stories we usually hear about involves one of the parties being vulnerable. Looking back at my affair when I was 23 my XMM actually said to me 'gosh, you really don't have anyone do you, you are completely on your own in this world' He seemed quite happy that I was. Now I'm older I see that he was pleased as it made it easier for him to take advantage and cheat on his wife as he saw that I had no-one to look out for me. Married men who have affairs are sexual predators.

[Arieswoman]

Furious #95

 

In one case I know of an OM married his affair partner and many years later divorced her for an OW.

 

Me too.

 

He was cheating with the next-door-neighbour while pretending to help with her decorating. Honestly, you couldn't make this $h!£ up

[Arieswoman]

elaine567 #96

 

if they look hard enough, there is always some needy, vulnerable person around who is just so grateful for the attention, any attention.

The office "hottie" may be out of his league, but the shy and plainer backroom girl who is having no luck dating anyone or who is in a dead end marriage, may be ripe for the picking.

^^^ this x 1000

 

My exh cheated with an employee at work. She was in a "bad place" at the time, having problems with her fiance, and her mother was divorcing her step-father for cruelty.

Her mother had already cheated on her real father with guy No2 because No1 was abusive, and had then left for No2.

 

So in this instance there was a vulnerable girl from an abusive background, and part of an unhealthy family dynamic, who was happy to just be an affair partner.

 

Let's face it, any honourable, responsible married woman, or any confident, independent single women would have told him to take a hike.

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Edited August 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[cocorico]

Married men who have affairs are sexual predators.

 

Some may be. Not all are. That's like saying all OW are vulnerable needy types with no options - and I can assure that many are not!