How often OP leaves their spouse? Marrying the wrong person?

[ChickiePops]

Look, I was OW so take it for what it's worth but... This is HIS **** show. You don't have to be in the middle of this bull****. Let HIM answer the questions. You don't know her at all! She could be the next Betty Broderick. Just back away slowly and try not to make any sudden moves

 

She doesn't know her but she is still a major part of the BS's life. She chose to involve herself in this woman's marriage (yes, yes, the husband invited her in blah blah blah..but she has control over herself..she didn't have to accept). Unless the BS has threatened her then why should she be so cruel as to not give this poor woman the answers she's looking for. I'm sure she's trying to get them from her husband but why should she trust him at this point?

 

 

OWs don't like to be painted as nasty slutty home wreckers..but why is it ok to label all BS's, particularly the ones who want to talk to the OW and get answers, as crazy? Nobody knows if she's crazy or not and it's quite unfair to paint her with this brush.

 

 

Olive, nobody can force you to speak to the BS but it would certainly be the good and kind thing to do.

[goodyblue]

It won't help anything. Why would she trust the OW? I think you should protect yourself and steer clear.

[Arieswoman]

olivekatzp,

 

Guys....

 

His wife messaged me and asks for a meeting, what should I do??!!

 

 

I don't get this. How does she know how to contact you? Has he told her about the affair??

[cocorico]

Guys....

 

His wife messaged me and asks for a meeting, what should I do??!!

 

Tell her to speak to him. She's his problem, not yours.

 

Unless you want more drama.....?

[olivkazp]

olivekatzp,

 

 

 

 

I don't get this. How does she know how to contact you? Has he told her about the affair??

 

Yup, I mentioned earlier that he is ready to get a divorce so he told her everything. I have no idea how she knew it's me though...

[olivkazp]

Tell her to speak to him. She's his problem, not yours.

 

Unless you want more drama.....?

 

I don't think it'd bring more drama, but who knows. Maybe she's just curious how do I look like or what kind of person I am. I don't want to hide from her and his family forever, but I don't think our meeting is necessary. I already informed her I won't meet her, no response so I assume she's fine with it.

[Ruffian1]

His wife messaged me and asks for a meeting, what should I do??!!

 

You don't have to meet face to face. She can talk to you on the phone, or by internet, etc.

 

What should I do?

 

Tell her the truth.

 

Yeah, I know, not a popular answer here.

 

 

“Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed. If people all over the world...would do this, it would change the earth.”

― William Faulkner

[elaine567]

Tell her the truth.

 

 

If you are going to be "official", then you have to start looking like someone with integrity, and lying through your teeth is not going to be a good look.

 

You will have this woman in your life for the next 18+ years, so start as you mean to go on.

[minimariah]

Yup, I mentioned earlier that he is ready to get a divorce so he told her everything.

 

yeah... about that - folks who want and DO get a divorce... usually try their hardest to keep the affair quiet: they protect the affair relationship and their AP's identity. they do their best to make it seem as if they met their AP some time AFTER the separation (affair) in order to NOT give ammo to the BS and to make the entire transition easier. folks who admit to their affair usually a. don't want to divorce, b. do want to divorce but don't have the balls to do it so they're hoping, fingers crossed, that the BS does it for them.

 

you'll see where your MM fits in eventually.

 

I have no idea how she knew it's me though...

 

i'm guessing he told her.

 

My parents, my sister and her dad with his OW, plus their grandchildren as well. Was it bad? No, we had fun, we laughed, we enjoyed our company, no hate, just love and I believe everything is possible if we really want it.

 

that sounds really nice... it really does. and take it from someone who is SUUUUUPER friendly with her xH's OW (now wife) -- most of it is JUST for the kids. there is no real love, affection or friendship in those situations - you STICK IT OUT for your children's sake & to make your own life easier... it's not like you have a choice, not really. so i'd tone it down with the optimism if i were you - i can assure you that your pregnant BS won't sit and happily chat with you in the future.

 

"what has he told you about why he is unhappy with his current relationship?"

I have NEVER asked!

 

you should. i find it odd when folks aren't interested in life (important, crucial) choices of those they claim to love - what ARE you interested in then? how can you love someone and not want to be informed about the way they view love, life... about why do they do the things they do? that's just beyond me.

 

...but I don't think our meeting is necessary.

 

right now - it isn't. in the future, if the MM divorces & he decides to be involved with the child - the meeting is necessary.

 

And now my question is, how do we know if its love and not an affair fog...?

 

you don't. you cannot possibly know because, quite simply, no one can predict the future. especially not when it comes to romantic relationship.

 

you're going to have to pick the way you want to go and pray that you won't get screwed - just like the rest of us.

 

i personally don't think it's love from your part - you sound awfully young and inexperienced and i think it will probably all leave you eventually... emotions wise. good luck either way.

Edited August 26, 2016 by minimariah

[imsosad]

It's true that she is his responsibilty t deal with, but if you and your AP will marry,it is in everyone's best interest to minimise antagonism wnd conflict.

My APs ex wife asked to meet me when he told her he wanted their kids to start coming over to my house. I agreed. As a mother, I understand she wants to see the person they wil be spending time with. I was nervous and maybe guarded, but I have no animosity towards her and I know *I* did *her* wrong, not the other way around. I have respect for her as a person and as tge woman my partner lived with for twenty years.

It was an awkward meeting, but civil. I told her that I recognize my part in her pain,and asked fir a chance to earn her trust regarding their children. There was a bump when she realised I had met them during the affair (for the record, I was royally pissed with him for bringing his children to meet me, even though they were very small). I thought he revealed that when he disclosed. We have spoken several times about the kids.

I dont think we will ever be friendly, but I hope to form a type of work relationship with her.

She and my ex husband met up a few times during the disclosure aftermath.

I think she deserves your respect and basic,human sympathy. She is not your enemy and it is not het fault you fell for her husband.

It is too easy for the BW and OW to go against each other, while the MM gets off the hook. Being sympathetic and kind may help her through the hell she must be going through,why not do it?

[Lobe]

It is too easy for the BW and OW to go against each other, while the MM gets off the hook. Being sympathetic and kind may help her through the hell she must be going through, why not do it?

 

Thank you for this imsosad. Because there is a child involved, kindness, civility and transparency will go a long way towards making things easier as the years progress.

 

Have you talked to your MM about her contacting you? What does he have to say about it?

[cocorico]

yeah... about that - folks who want and DO get a divorce... usually try their hardest to keep the affair quiet: they protect the affair relationship and their AP's identity. they do their best to make it seem as if they met their AP some time AFTER the separation (affair) in order to NOT give ammo to the BS and to make the entire transition easier. folks who admit to their affair usually a. don't want to divorce, b. do want to divorce but don't have the balls to do it so they're hoping, fingers crossed, that the BS does it for them.

 

 

 

I think this very much depends on the individual WS and their reading of what would be best. Several of us now M to our fMM had the experience of our fMM disclosing the A to the BW, as explanation of why he was leaving. Not because they wanted the BW to file - usually they already had, at that point - but because they felt they "owed" the BW the honesty, after having withheld the info previously, and wanted to make a clean breast of it; or, where the BW was unwilling to accept the M was over, and kept trying to win the MM back, to try to prevent any further attempts so that the BW could retain some dignity.

 

Others, the WS said nothing, either so as not to hurt the BS further, or because they deemed it possibly counterproductive, or simply unnecessary. Different strokes for different folks.

 

There's seldom much to be gained from disclosing - except, perhaps, for WS peace of mind. Usually it makes a BS even more hostile during the D; and where the intention is to stop the BW uselessly persuing reconciliation, it's not always effective either. My H's xBW simply chose not to believe him; other fOWs have had similar experiences.

 

But he'll have his own reasons for telling her or not. You just need to be prepared for any fall-out. A pregnant BW is unlikely to go quietly.

 

right now - it isn't. in the future, if the MM divorces & he decides to be involved with the child - the meeting is necessary.

 

 

Perhaps. Again, this depends on the individuals, and their post-D relationship. I've never officially met, or had any conversation with, my H's xW. We dealt separately with schools, doctors, counsellors etc around the kids, or exchanged emails when any discussion was necessary (lawyers - though costly - are useful).

But those kids were older. A newborn is a different matter and may need a different approach.

[cocorico]

 

why not do it?

 

Because of real physical risk?

[wmacbride]

OP,

am I correct in understanding hat your mm's wife is pregnant or has a very small child?

 

If she is, the you should really, really REALLY think long and hard about that and what it means. You should also take your focus off of his wife and put it on to him and his behavior. Right now, putting all of this focus on her and her behaviors is just a diversion form where your thoughts should be.

 

You say your mm is unhappy in his m, and has been for a while. What sort of a man, who is unhappy in his marriage, gets his wife pregnant and then cheats on her while she is pregnant? How can someone risk the health of his wife and child like that? It's a difficult enough time for a woman, but to add cheating to the mix says something about him.

 

Whether or not you would be okay with your h having an ow is irrelevant to her. She's likely not okay with it, and knowing that eh still cheated on his pregnant wife.

 

I don't know if you are a mother or not, but if you are, think about how you would feel in her shoes. What sort of a person does that to someone?

 

Your mm, that's who. Really think about what that says about his character. He got his wife pregnant, then cheats on her.

 

That's really low.

[goodyblue]

My h's ex threw the family Christmas tree across the room, and after he had been gone for over six months, I was at his apartment with my four small children when she stormed in screaming like a crazy person. I took my kids into the bathroom, locked the door, turned on the shower and sang songs while she banged on the door and screamed horrible things at me and also my children. If I had gone out who knows what she would have done.

 

Violence does happen. Stay out of his marriage, let him handle it. Truly.

[ladydesigner]

My h's ex threw the family Christmas tree across the room, and after he had been gone for over six months, I was at his apartment with my four small children when she stormed in screaming like a crazy person. I took my kids into the bathroom, locked the door, turned on the shower and sang songs while she banged on the door and screamed horrible things at me and also my children. If I had gone out who knows what she would have done.

 

Violence does happen. Stay out of his marriage, let him handle it. Truly.

 

That is truly awful she did that in front of your kids. Definitely a good example of how different these situations can be.

[Lobe]

A brief and perfunctory email exchange is a safe alternative to meeting in person. I agree that no two people are going to react the same way but I still don't see the harm in giving the BW the benefit of the doubt considering circumstances, especially if OP's MM has thrown her under the bus and the BW wants to know if she really is a psycho stalker or if her husband is lying... Between my WH and the xOW, I'd be more willing to accept the lies he told her as being what he ACTUALLY said, than the gaslighting and trickle truth I got.

[imsosad]

Thank you for this imsosad. Because there is a child involved, kindness, civility and transparency will go a long way towards making things easier as the years progress.

 

Have you talked to your MM about her contacting you? What does he have to say about it?

 

She communicated her wish to meet through him. He told her he was staying over on the 2/3 nights when my children are with their father and often it coincided with his days with his kids. He told her he wants them to spend time at my house and she said she'd like to talk to me first. He asked me and I said yes.

I know she was not a psycho (why would she be? I know there are awful stories,like goodbye's about the xmas tree. I think the vast majority of wives are normal, just like most OW are not bunny boilers. If the W is whacked, would your AP know and warn you?)

She also met with my xH, she was furious and heartbroken,but all within the normal range of finding out your h had an A.

Btw, I agree that cheating on a pregnant wife doesnt exactly indicate a prince charming. My AP began our R when she was pregnant and right through childbirth and caring for a newborn. I cant lie, it sucks. It bothers me a lot. The fact that we had an EA, no sex and a year of NC that resulted in him leaving, makes it easier for me to accept. Still, I admit I harbour judgement, guilt and some doubt about his choice. He knows it. The fact that he was willing to.cheat on a pregnant woman was the main factor that kept me going back and forth between him and my H for a couple of months.So,yeah. It is something to think about,imo.

[Lobe]

Btw, I agree that cheating on a pregnant wife doesnt exactly indicate a prince charming. My AP began our R when she was pregnant and right through childbirth and caring for a newborn. I cant lie, it sucks. It bothers me a lot.

 

So, I have read in numerous sources that it is actually very common for a man to start an affair when his wife gets pregnant with especially the first child. The top two reasons reported were:

 

1. He no longer views his wife as a sexpot but as a mother figure, kind of a twist on the madonna-whore complex I guess... and
   
2. He is afraid of the life change and responsibility of parenthood - kind of like he can't handle the idea of adulting so he goes out and finds someone to remind him he's not old and boring because he answers to "Dad."
   

 

Olivkazp, I wonder if either of those apply to your MM? You say you've never asked about his family circumstances, but maybe now is a good time to take your understanding of him as a person to a deeper level, before you decide to accept him into your life.

[olivkazp]

i can assure you that your pregnant BS won't sit and happily chat with you in the future.

That's the last thing I hope for... To be honest, she can hate me for the rest of my life, I don't care.

 

 

[quote=minimariah;7028766 you should. i find it odd when folks aren't interested in life (important, crucial) choices of those they claim to love - what ARE you interested in then? how can you love someone and not want to be informed about the way they view love, life... about why do they do the things they do? that's just beyond me.

It made me to ask him. He said he's not unhappy, he just wants to be with me.

[Lobe]

It made me to ask him. He said he's not unhappy, he just wants to be with me.

 

What does that mean even? So when he's not unhappy with you but finds someone new he wants more, where do you stand?

[olivkazp]

Thank you for this imsosad. Because there is a child involved, kindness, civility and transparency will go a long way towards making things easier as the years progress.

 

Have you talked to your MM about her contacting you? What does he have to say about it?

 

"baby it's all up to you, I'm not gonna tell you what to do. If you feel like you want to do it then go for it."

[Lobe]

"baby it's all up to you, I'm not gonna tell you what to do. If you feel like you want to do it then go for it."

 

You said you want to help raise the child, and the mother requested a discussion, and your MM says it's your choice - why didn't you want to talk to her?

[elaine567]

He said he's not unhappy, he just wants to be with me ...and her. ( I guess)

 

Fixed it for you.

 

It takes a special kind of man to cheat on and desert his pregnant wife, the mother of his first child.

Be careful what you wish for.

[olivkazp]

What does that mean even? So when he's not unhappy with you but finds someone new he wants more, where do you stand?

 

 

I don't know what I'm gonna do, all I know I want to be with him atm.