How often OP leaves their spouse? Marrying the wrong person?

[olivkazp]

You said you want to help raise the child, and the mother requested a discussion, and your MM says it's your choice - why didn't you want to talk to her?

 

I wanted to do it but after what I've read here, I changed my mind. I messaged her if she has question, she can always call me. I need to check what she is about.

[Lobe]

I messaged her if she has question, she can always call me. I need to check what she is about.

 

I still vote email because a) it's safer in case she decides to flip out and b) you will have a paper trail. I'm curious to know what she's on about - could be she wants to blast you, could be she wants to check out if his story matches yours so she can make a decision about what she wants to do... hard to say.

[elaine567]

Get a new email address specifically for your correspondence with her.

[wmacbride]

Get a new email address specifically for your correspondence with her.

 

This is a good idea, both for you and her as well. It will give you both a level of protection, and also allow you both to consider what you say before you say it.

[Forever broken]

Is totally fine if you wish not to go because there are other means she can communicate with you. However, if you decide to meet, have someone go with you and watch from a distance. Meet in a public Place.

 

I was home when I received a call from my XMM. He wanted to talk to me and if we can meet. I said sure. We met and guess who he brought. Yep his wife. He set me up. Is been a year, but that shock of seeing his wife will never wear off.

Edited August 28, 2016 by Forever broken

[Arieswoman]

OP,

 

You said

 

I don't know what I'm gonna do, all I know I want to be with him atm.

 

Please read wmacbride's post # 139 and ask yourself if this is really the type of guy you want? Really?

[olivkazp]

guess who he brought. Yep his wife.

 

What was the point of doing that?

[Adoraxx]

Is totally fine if you wish not to go because there are other means she can communicate with you. However, if you decide to meet, have someone go with you and watch from a distance. Meet in a public Place.

 

I was home when I received a call from my XMM. He wanted to talk to me and if we can meet. I said sure. We met and guess who he brought. Yep his wife. He set me up. Is been a year, but that shock of seeing his wife will never wear off.

 

This is so mean of him

[olivkazp]

OP,

 

You said

 

 

 

Please read wmacbride's post # 139 and ask yourself if this is really the type of guy you want? Really?

 

I know how this all look like, but it's difficult to describe someone in few words, things I write about him are mostly out of context and you have a wrong vision of him. Oh don't really know how to explain it (English isn't my first language). Maybe I focus on his good side too much, I don't know. But yeah, in my eyes he's not as bad as you guys think he is.

[Arieswoman]

olivekazp,

 

you have a wrong vision of him

 

errr, noooooo.

 

The only vision we have is from what you have told us, and your English is fine, believe me.

 

The problem you have with vision is with the rose-coloured spectacles you're wearing .

[imsosad]

OP, I get where you are.coming from. My AP and I left our marriages to be together, he has a small child and a baby. Our A began when his ex wife was pregnant.

I think you are not being imaginative enough. Try to put yourself in hus BS's place. If he could do it to her,what will prevent him.from doing it to you? Dont tell me your love is the real thing,it is irrelevant.

I feel the key to making this kind of R work is facing things as they are. What both our APs did is wrong,hurtful,selfish and low. No excuses, No two ways about that. I insisted he begin IC and we go to CC together. This issue needs to be examined,worked through,sorted out.

I dont know if we will really make it, but I am certain that adressing the issues instead of sating ' he's a great guy, he just married the wrong person' will give us a better chance.

You seem very focused on being with him,careful what you wish for.

My AP wants us to marry as soon as our divorces come through. I have told him, I love you enough to walk away from my marriage,but you have shown me how you treat your wife, i will not marry you until you've done some work to increase chances it wont happen again. Same goes for me. I think I was a lesser evil in the A, but I have alot of inner work to do.

Of course I want to just get high on being together and say what will be will be, but i dont think its a smart move.

I really encourage you to think about things. I get wanting your APis overwhelming, but we can control our behavior.

Good luck.

[dark water]

I don't know about fair, there is nothing fair about people cheating on each other. I'm just telling the OP that she has about the same chance of winning the lottery as this guy leaving his wife and marrying her because he is "in love".

 

Listen, I came here like a lot of the new people, all broken and in love with this married guy and it was men who posted here and drilled it into our heads that these guys are just using us for sex, that men are cake eaters. Over time I came to believe them and saw things for what they were. It was your own gender who schooled us.

 

So yeah, I'm jaded. Just trying to save another lost soul.

 

I have to disagree with any statements predicting ANY outcome with as much chance as a lottery win. I understand being jaded and heartbroken and thinking that all cheaters are cake eaters and users. But I've found that to be only a fraction of the cheaters whom I have known.

 

When we look at the threads in the OM/OW section we have to take it with a grain of salt, because the people who come to post here are usually in turmoil and need to reach out, so the forums are inundated with stories of lost hope and broken hearts.

 

I know four couples off the top of my head in which the WS fell in love with someone else and left their spouse to be with that person. Three of those four are still together and seem fine, and one of them stayed together for 11 years and had two kids before breaking up, and no, their break up had nothing to do with cheating or with mistrust or with "starting out on the wrong foot".

 

Affair fog is a powerful thing, but there are people who can look through the fog and realize that there is real love and compatibility, and this will force them to reevaluate their marriage. I think for a lot of WSs the affair is not at all about cake eating or split self, but of a personal conflict and a fundamental crack in their marriage.

 

Upon starting an affair there are a lot of WSs, regardless of whether their AP is right for them or not, who will leave or be left by their spouse on principal. The kind of thinking in near absolutes about how "a married man will never leave" is completely antiquated. This adage comes from a time when divorce carried much more stigma, and when men worked to support stay at home wives and their children. Not to mention the religious aspects. Things are different today. How can anyone say that a married person will never leave when over 50% of marriages end in divorce???

 

Alright, the short of it is... you won't know for sure if the affair fog is causing you to make the wrong choices, but if you try to look at it from a logical standpoint eg. are you compatible, do you genuinely care about each other, then you might be able to see beyond the infatuation and get a better sense of whether you could work as a couple.

 

And yes, there are many couples who started as affairs or who were the catalyst for one partner leaving their spouse. That's life, and it happens all the time.