How often OP leaves their spouse? Marrying the wrong person?

[olivkazp]

Long story short. I am a mistress that fell in love with my MM. According to his words, he is ready to divorce his wife to be with me. And now my question is, how do we know if its love and not an affair fog...? Some people here mentioned that it most likely is a fog, I just started wondering.... I thought it's some sort of love (a real thing) but I may be wrong...

Plus, how often OPs actually divorce their spouses for an affair partners? Is there anyone who done that? If yes, how is your life going? Was it hard?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Long story short. I am a mistress that fell in love with my MM. According to his words, he is ready to divorce his wife to be with me. And now my question is, how do we know if its love and not an affair fog...? Some people here mentioned that it most likely is a fog, I just started wondering.... I thought it's some sort of love (a real thing) but I may be wrong...

Plus, how often OPs actually divorce their spouses for an affair partners? Is there anyone who done that? If yes, how is your life going? Was it hard? How's your life going after that?

 

Come over to the other board, there are dozens who are in your situation. They typically don't leave, or if they do they go back and forth for a long time. If they are going to leave, they do so within a few months of meeting the new person. They typically do not end up with their AP though. I think it's like 3%.

 

Most of the men just want cake on the side. You may be in love but it's rarely love for him.

 

You are going to get a lot of responses....

[olivkazp]

Come over to the other board, there are dozens who are in your situation. They typically don't leave, or if they do they go back and forth for a long time. If they are going to leave, they do so within a few months of meeting the new person. They typically do not end up with their AP though. I think it's like 3%.

 

Most of the men just want cake on the side. You may be in love but it's rarely love for him.

 

You are going to get a lot of responses....

 

Yeah, I was always wondering why people, especially men cheat. Why is that they don't divorce? If that was a girlfriend not a wife, would they easily end up their relationship?

[aileD]

It's always a fog unless and until the relationship is out in the open and you're living in the real world.

 

You don't really have a relationship if it's being hidden from everyone. The secrecy fuels the intense feelings. You don't know if it's really love until you're in reality and living it.

 

If he's ready to leave his wife then why didn't he do it before you?

 

Plus divorced are messy.

 

Back off and tell him to call you when the ink is dry. Then you'll find out if it's really love or not.

[goodyblue]

There are a few of us here who began a relationship as an affair, our MM left his wife, divorced, then we married. We have been married for some time now and are very happy. He was with his ex wife for 29 years. The affair lasted less than a year.

[goodyblue]

Also, because of the secrecy of affairs there is no way to get any true statistics on how many people leave their marriage for an affair partner.

[basil67]

Yeah, I was always wondering why people, especially men cheat. Why is that they don't divorce?

 

*because they really aren't so unhappy in the marriage

*because it may mean breaking a family which contains children

*because they made vows to stay with the partner forever

*because they worry about the emotional well being of the spouse if they should leave (yes, suicide and severe depression are things which can happen to those who have been left)

*because of financial issues

 

Leaving a marriage is not simple.

[MJJean]

I was a wayward wife in my first marriage. Multiple affairs until I met my final OM and ended my sham marriage. We met in October 1999. In December 1999 we had our first date and first kiss. In January, we became intimate. In early February, I told me ex it was over and that I was leaving him for my OM. Two months after the divorce was final, I married the love of my life. We've been married for 13 years, a couple for 16 years, and are happy together.

 

However, we are a statistical rarity. 2nd marriages between anyone have a high failure rate. Marriages between AP's have an even higher failure rate. The odds are against you, but that doesn't mean your situation is impossible. Take it one day at a time. If there is no real progress, no real actual action taken on his part within the very near future, then you can be reasonably assured he is staying married and will have to either accept that or part ways.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Most of the men just want cake on the side.

 

Is that so? So what about the millions upon millions of women who cheated on their husbands? Is that what they wanted too? Funny I see just as many bs men as bs women on this forum, yet in your mind it's a man thing right?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Is that so? So what about the millions upon millions of women who cheated on their husbands? Is that what they wanted too? Funny I see just as many bs men as bs women on this forum, yet in your mind it's a man thing right?

 

Women cheat because they want love; men cheat because they want sex. Women will tend to leave their marriage, with or without the OM/MM and end up alone.

So yes. Men are more likely to want cake on the side. There are some women but it's rare because we bond to the AP. Men don't bond to their AP. Generally speaking of course, but to the OP, always assume you are the rule, not the exception.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Women cheat because they want love; men cheat because they want sex. Women will tend to leave their marriage, with or without the OM/MM and end up alone.

So yes. Men are more likely to want cake on the side. There are some women but it's rare because we bond to the AP. Men don't bond to their AP. Generally speaking of course, but to the OP, always assume you are the rule, not the exception.

 

y your logic women cheating on men is much worse then men cheating on women. Cause for men, there is no emotional attachment, so by your logic men are only cheating physically while women who cheated both cheat physically and emotionally at the same time. So let's just say women cheating is far far worse then men cheating. Sound fair?

Edited August 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

At the risk of totally repeating the starting post, here's the topic:

And now my question is, how do we know if its love and not an affair fog...? Some people here mentioned that it most likely is a fog, I just started wondering.... I thought it's some sort of love (a real thing) but I may be wrong...

 

Plus, how often OPs actually divorce their spouses for an affair partners? Is there anyone who done that? If yes, how is your life going? Was it hard?

 

 

--------------

 

Moderation moved this to OM/OW because the starter identifies as 'mistress' and the thread definitely is not about which gender cheats more or who is worse, so let's consider those issues resolved here and leave them for another thread.

 

Thanks in advance for your understanding and cooperation!

[MidnightBlue1980]

Utter BS. And by your logic women cheating on men is much worse then men cheating on women. Cause for men, there is no emotional attachment, so by your logic men are only cheating physically while women who cheated both cheat physically and emotionally at the same time. So let's just say women cheating is far far worse then men cheating. Sound fair?

 

I don't know about fair, there is nothing fair about people cheating on each other. I'm just telling the OP that she has about the same chance of winning the lottery as this guy leaving his wife and marrying her because he is "in love".

 

Listen, I came here like a lot of the new people, all broken and in love with this married guy and it was men who posted here and drilled it into our heads that these guys are just using us for sex, that men are cake eaters. Over time I came to believe them and saw things for what they were. It was your own gender who schooled us.

 

So yeah, I'm jaded. Just trying to save another lost soul.

[heartwhole]

The author of Not Just Friends, Shirley Glass, has done a bunch of research on this subject. She claims that 10% leave their marriage for the affair partner. Of those, 3 out of 10 will marry the affair partner (so 3% of all affairs result in marriage). Of those marriages, 75% will end in divorce. She has done both anonymous surveys (like just handing out surveys in airports and receiving them with no name attached) and surveys of counselors who are treating people dealing with infidelity.

 

I don't know if I'm able or qualified to tell you what's love or what's fog. I would just ask, do you two have what it takes to create and sustain a healthy and lasting relationship with each other? I'm sure you do love each other, but I've never believed love is some mysterious thing that afflicts us when we meet the right person. I believe instead that it's the natural result of cultivating a healthy relationship.

[DKT3]

Women cheat because they want love; men cheat because they want sex. Women will tend to leave their marriage, with or without the OM/MM and end up alone.

So yes. Men are more likely to want cake on the side. There are some women but it's rare because we bond to the AP. Men don't bond to their AP. Generally speaking of course, but to the OP, always assume you are the rule, not the exception.

 

Actually, mw only slightly leave more then mm.

 

Most often affairs are fantasy, and people wake up. Men and women

[HappyAgain2014]

Note you said, "According to his words." Until he takes action, it really means nothing.

 

Most of the OW heard these words, yet most didn't end up with their xMM.

 

If you explore this conversation, you'll likely hear, "I wish, someday, or as soon as ...... My kid graduates, my mother dies, or my wife gets a job.

[Poppy47]

Is that so? So what about the millions upon millions of women who cheated on their husbands? Is that what they wanted too? Funny I see just as many bs men as bs women on this forum, yet in your mind it's a man thing right?

 

Everybody knows that infidelity has been going on since Adam and Eve. It takes two to tango as they say.

 

Maybe statistics show that more MM are unfaithful than MW. I am sure these days with technology numbers of cheating MW are catching up rapidly.

 

I don't know.... just saying.

 

Poppy.

[elaine567]

Long story short. I am a mistress that fell in love with my MM. According to his words, he is ready to divorce his wife to be with me. And now my question is, how do we know if its love and not an affair fog...? Some people here mentioned that it most likely is a fog, I just started wondering.... I thought it's some sort of love (a real thing) but I may be wrong...

Plus, how often OPs actually divorce their spouses for an affair partners? Is there anyone who done that? If yes, how is your life going? Was it hard?

 

"Love" is difficult to quantify, but compatibility is easier to suss out.

 

Forget about all the "love" elements - the butterflies , the going weak at the knees, the excitement, the tingling, the sex and concentrate on who he is as a person.

Are you and he compatible? Do you like the same things? Are your goals in life similar? Do you have "fun" or is it mainly about sex?

Is he easy to be with or do you always have to mind your Ps and Qs?

Is he laid back or does he have a short fuse?

 

Is he a go getter, a workaholic, an average joe or a lazy slob?

Is he a socialite with loads of friends who always wants to party, or a person who is obsessed by a sport or a hobby,or someone who just loves Netflix, video games and his sofa and never wants to go anywhere, or is he a loner who always wants "space".

Can you live with the real him?

 

Affairs often exist in a bubble and people get so wrapped up in each other, they forget that IRL he may be a very different person.

It is easy to whack the "monstrous" wife, but some women end up like that, after having to live with a difficult man. He may indeed be a "victim", but he will not be the first person to play that game to get their own way.

 

You know he is a cheater, a man who is cheating on his pregnant wife, could you ever really trust him, or will history repeat itself? Men cheating whilst their wife is pregnant is not unusual.

Even if he divorced tomorrow, his kid and his ex wife will be forever in your lives, can you live with that?

Do you want kids? As he already has a kid, he may not want any more.

 

There is a lot more than just "love" to think about here.

 

It may be a huge ego boost to think he is getting a divorce, but is he really and even if he is, he may just be using you as an excuse to leave his marriage. You may just be providing a soft landing. Do not forget some men "love" their OW, but do not see her as "relationship/marriage material" - be aware.

 

If indeed you have little in common apart from "love" bubble , then the likelihood is, that it will all fold as soon as the bubble bursts.

[Arieswoman]

I endorse MidnightBlue's post #

 

If they are going to leave, they do so within a few months of meeting the new person.

 

I can tell you with regard to the 4 girls I knew whose husbands actually left them for the OP (not got discovered and got kicked out ) they left within 3 months of meeting the AP.

 

1 stayed with the AP until his death (they never married) which was about 10 years. He was married 20 years before and was a serial cheater.

 

1 married the AP and died about a year later from stomach cancer. He was married 20 years, also a serial cheat and a heavy drinker.

 

1 married the AP and they are still together. He was also married about 20 years.

 

1 married the AP and then cheated on her after 2 years. She divorced him.

 

A common pattern with all these events is that the man was about 35/40 ish and his AP was about 10 years younger. Mid-life crisis anyone?

[cocorico]

 

Plus, how often OPs actually divorce their spouses for an affair partners? Is there anyone who done that? If yes, how is your life going? Was it hard?

 

My H divorced xBW. We have been M for several years now. Yes, it was hard for him to do that - they'd been M close on 30 years and had teenage kids. Our A lasted just over three years, the D took around a year, and we got M as soon as the ink was dry. No regrets at all, it's been great.

 

However - our R has always been great. It didn't magically change once he dumped the xBW. Always, during the A, I was treated well, with love and respect, and knew I was the most important person in his world because he showed me through how he treated me. If your R now, during the A, is not great, what realistic basis do you have for imagining things will change simply by erasing an inconvenient BW?

[cocorico]

The author of Not Just Friends, Shirley Glass, has done a bunch of research on this subject. She claims that 10% leave their marriage for the affair partner. Of those, 3 out of 10 will marry the affair partner (so 3% of all affairs result in marriage). Of those marriages, 75% will end in divorce. She has done both anonymous surveys (like just handing out surveys in airports and receiving them with no name attached) and surveys of counselors who are treating people dealing with infidelity.

 

 

IOW, "research" rather than proper research. No funding council would fund this as research; it has the same status as journalists asking here of their friends down the pub for their views on something and then publishing it as "research".

 

There is no proper, reliable research on this. Only anecdote, such as Shirley Glass's "research".

[privategal]

How strange that you stayed in the relationship this long and NOW are asking these questions?

These are the questions every one should ask day one, minute one of starting an Affair.

Is this real? If the outcome was we were together in the end could it even survive? Is the fantasy love going to turn into deep true everlasting love?

Better late than never to ask the question but please do tell him you have reconsidered and feel the chances of survival in a real non affair relationship are likely not possible and not reality and that if he still makes the decision to break up his marriage and family it should be for him and not for you.

You should step out of this all together and sort yourself and allow him to make these life altering decisions without your input.

If he leaves he should go to IC, you should take space as he would need time to grieve the ending of a marriage.

It's not like he leaves and its clean and nice and easy then your life starts, it's a confusing mess and a bigger emotional roller coaster than the affair. It's serious.

[Cloudcuckoo]

IOW, "research" rather than proper research. No funding council would fund this as research; it has the same status as journalists asking here of their friends down the pub for their views on something and then publishing it as "research".

 

There is no proper, reliable research on this. Only anecdote, such as Shirley Glass's "research".

 

I think that's poppycock. To suggest that 'no funding council' would put money into it might be so, but who cares about 'funding councils'? Research funding can come from any quarter. Doesn't make it unreliable, or 'wrong' either.

 

Where is the evidence that Shirley Glass' (with her longstanding and highly experienced professional credentials) research methods are comparative to journalistic gossip? Exactly...there isn't.

 

What is 'proper research'? A broad and carefully constructed unbiased study that yields statistics to indicate an outcome. From what is read, she did hers without gossiping with other clinicians.

[wmacbride]

I think that's poppycock. To suggest that 'no funding council' would put money into it might be so, but who cares about 'funding councils'? Research funding can come from any quarter. Doesn't make it unreliable, or 'wrong' either.

 

Where is the evidence that Shirley Glass' (with her longstanding and highly experienced professional credentials) research methods are comparative to journalistic gossip? Exactly...there isn't.

 

What is 'proper research'? A broad and carefully constructed unbiased study that yields statistics to indicate an outcome. From what is read, she did hers without gossiping with other clinicians.

 

I don't know whether or not the numbers have changed, but second, third and subsequent marriages have been reported to have a higher divorce rate, which would include marriages that start out as affairs.

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201202/the-high-failure-rate-second-and-third-marriages

 

( not the best source, but a starting point)

 

http://www.patersons.ca/pdfs/Family%20Law/Divorce_Rates_and_Statistics_in_Canada.pdf

 

( this one is a better source )

 

I don't know why second and subsequent marriages tend to fail more often, but I suspect it may be because the person who is getting married the second time may not learn from their mistake sin the first marriage. This is why I would be very leery of a man or woman who blames all the problems in their marriage on their spouse, especially if i was an ow or om.

 

In many cases, a ws who blames their cheating or the entire state of their marriage shows little or no insight, and unless they get some heavy duty counseling or therapy, they may very well repeat the same mistakes again.

[wmacbride]

I think that's poppycock. To suggest that 'no funding council' would put money into it might be so, but who cares about 'funding councils'? Research funding can come from any quarter. Doesn't make it unreliable, or 'wrong' either.

 

Where is the evidence that Shirley Glass' (with her longstanding and highly experienced professional credentials) research methods are comparative to journalistic gossip? Exactly...there isn't.

 

What is 'proper research'? A broad and carefully constructed unbiased study that yields statistics to indicate an outcome. From what is read, she did hers without gossiping with other clinicians.

 

to some, research is only "proper" if it reaches a conclusion they agree with.