I'm new here and need people to talk to, ending marriage with wife = sad.

[Dan1977]

Hi everyone, please feel free to talk to me and say anything here, just need to share/connect with others as am alone in this and friends can't relate.

[Jeff1690]

Well Dan what is the story?

[tojaz]

Go ahead and type it out Dan, there's a lot of people ready to listen. This forum really saved me during my divorce.

 

TOJAZ

[road]

How long married why are you ending the marriage.

[Dan1977]

We got married May last year, we split by January as I couldn't take the rejection anymore, emotionally and physically. We were having no sex, or connection, and I tried to address it, she walked out and went to parties, and then finally to a rave when I asked her to stay and talk as we were in crisis. She left me in pieces so I moved out. I've been to counseling, so has she, but nothing has changed and she hurts me still. I am lost, I can't believe this has happened and I am alone, and have to start again. And she is oblivious. Still posting photos that hurt me on Facebook.

[Dan1977]

We had a beautiful wedding, 60 friends flying overseas.

I had months of abandonment and sexual and emotional blocking for the 6 months after until we split

She was going out more since the wedding, partying doing things she wouldn't normally do or have anything to do with me or marriage or respect.

I've watched her broadcast this across Facebook but not 1 photo of me who was waiting at home for her, for love, for a marriage taking care of everything for her.

She has grown increasingly distant and can't 'talk' when approached about it. She shuts down, she runs away, cries and gives up.

Sex has become completely pointless and connection is now gone.

I get upset more frequently due to lack of love, connection, sex and feelings of loneliness and rejection/despair.

We fight more.

She retreats more and goes out more.

We fight more.

I ask for intervention, she says she is going to a rave.

She leaves me despite me leaving the house over the issue as last stand.

She stays for extra day and her emotional radar has completely lost touch with me or reality now.

I suffer and move out of our house, work suffers, health suffers, am heartbroken.

She says the same week, I don't want babies, don't like sex, and you should be with someone else as you are made to be a father in an intervention session with a mutual friend.

I try and keep talking, I go to counseling and try honor our marriage and her still.

Things get worse with her weird and random behavior which she is still oblivious too, and hurts me badly. Photos on Facebook, going out, booking random trips overseas etc.

All of our friends disappear. Out of 60 at the wedding only a couple actually tried to get involved.

Am now completely at a loss, coming to realization it is actually over, need to start a new life.

She send me messages one minute saying she loves me and wants to work it out, then disappears again and doesn't respond while she is out with others partying and doing whatever she is doing now.

I fight with our mutual friends as am upset about her, those relationships break down as well now, have exhausted every avenue, I need to stop but not sure how.

[tojaz]

Sounds to me like she is in some sort of inner turmoil, possibly not adjusting well to married life and has been thrown into panic and is rebelling against being " tied down".

 

She has said that "you should be with someone else, made to be a father etc." These are all common themes, has she voiced what she might be searching for, what she feels about the marriage other then just describing how she feels shes not suited for it or has she made it all about you?

 

TOJAZ

[Lowrider93]

Hi Dan, sorry about the pain your going through, many of us here have had our hearts torn out and stomped on, so your in good company.

 

Read some of the other posts here and you will see that although you have it bad, many others have it much worse. I think sometimes misery needs company.

 

By what you have said it looks like your wife Is not reliable as a partner and you need to tell yourself that you deserve so much more.

 

Peace

[Dan1977]

Thank you both, I am at work but will look over some other posts later at home, I'm sure people have it much worse, why I am here, maybe I can somehow feel better from all this pain.

 

She is not reliable, and she has given me multiple reasons to not stay and leave and find better, but I married her, and I am extremely loyal, even when I don't want to be, and I can't stand to see her cry and be lost - as she clearly is. She actually has no idea what to do and I can see that, others just ignore the reality and blame me or her and pretend everything is ok.

 

Do you know what I mean about seeing your partners face crying? Anyone else get this and feel the same like they want to help them protect them even when they are hurting you.

[LancasterAmos1966]

while she is out with others partying and doing whatever she is doing now.

.

 

 

Hi Dan, sorry your situation brought us together, but at least there are many, including me, that have walked the same pathway as you.

 

Your story will be a little different than mine, but we ended up at the same place.

 

I made it through, many on this board have made it through, and so can you!!

 

Keep posting, ask questions, read stories from others --- this helped me so much.

 

I am not one to say "throw in the towel and file divorce" because personally I believe a Vow is extremely serious.

 

I'm not sure where you want to go with this, and I'm not sure of your religious beliefs. If you believe it's ok to file divorce and remarry, then you might want to pursue that.

 

If you believe that you want to wait for her, and learn to tolerate being hurt, then follow your heart and wait for her. It will take some effort on your part to tolerate the rejection, but you can do it if that is what you want to do.

 

Your friends on this board can help you either way.....getting a lawyer, protecting assets or hanging in there hoping that things get better.

 

I would say that if your wife is on any kind of mind-altering drugs or even a lot of alcohol, her thinking will be very wrong. She could be paranoid, she could hear things you did not say, conversations will quickly turn into arguments, etc.

 

Stay connected here because I'm sure you will find help.

[Dan1977]

She is not on drugs or alcohol. She is actually quite clean. Still her emotional capacity is not capable, she shuts down.

 

I don't want to wait, I have done that for years already - 6 years total together - and she won't change, and neither will I.

 

I am spiritual and try asking for help and guidance. mostly I am the one drinking now as a result. As I have no where else to go.

[LancasterAmos1966]

I don't want to wait, I have done that for years already - 6 years total together - and she won't change, and neither will I.

 

Fair enough. You are honest about your situation. Even though you were not married that long, the loss of a Beloved Bride (or Groom) can be emotionally rough. You wanted your marriage to work, you had dreams, you wanted to grow old together, and live a long time as husband and wife.

 

I'm sorry you are facing this loss.

 

You might have already begun the process of grieving your loss, but just as an FYI, there are 5 stages to grieving the loss of loved one: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. You might want to google "5 stages of grief" to help you understand where you are in recovery process. The goal is to arrive at Acceptance. I got to that step after I cried many tears, and worked hard on recovery. I was determined that my wife had hurt me enough, so there was no way I was going to be a victim the rest of my life!!

 

Since drugs/alcohol are not an issue, possibly there's a mental health issue. I'm sure as the days go on, and you continue to reply and post, others will be able to help you process some of this, and help you move forward.

 

Wishing the best for you AND I'm also wishing the best for your wife too. It might not catch up to her right now, but eventually she will need to face the loss of losing her husband. I not condoning being buddies with her, but hopefully you can shake her hand, and thank her for giving marriage a try with you, and you can even wish her well in her Life Journey.

[tojaz]

Do you know what I mean about seeing your partners face crying? Anyone else get this and feel the same like they want to help them protect them even when they are hurting you.

Many of us know what you mean all too well, and several myself included wrongly chose to put ourselves aside to try and protect them. There's nothing wrong with that.... to a point, but you can't sacrifice yourself and definitely not for someone who will never see it.

 

I don't want to wait, I have done that for years already - 6 years total together - and she won't change, and neither will I.

 

Are you saying she was always like this Dan? Or is this behavior something new?

Edited August 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Dan1977]

Thank you for your reply. It is very nice to read.

 

I have cried a lot too, a lot. So has she. But she can't deal, right now she is posting images of her partying on the beach with a guy I can't stand and have told her I can't stand as he was more involved in our marriage than I was. Oblivious she is. Still.

 

I feel like I am at bargaining/depression still, I am starting to see the acceptance thing though, it goes a little, then comes back like a yo yo but all means I am moving closer to acceptance somehow I guess.

 

Such a shame, such a big massive shame and waste. I know people say hey it's never a waste but I disagree, this is time, and life, and I could have shared it with an amazing woman, this was a waste of time.

 

I'm sorry for you too, and everyone, it is so ridiculous that all that matters in life is love, and this happens so often, we are so bad at this, well I'm not, but others are at loving me back otherwise wouldn't be here. Not arrogant about it, just honest.

 

i know she is in denial, and all this will hit her later, but again, this is completely kljdsfklj because what a waste of time, we couldn't get on the same page. I don't hate her, I just know now we are different, not right or wrong, just different, and I need someone else more compatible.

[Dan1977]

She was always like that. It's a cycle, I attack as am hurt by her, she retreats and self-hates, I go into protection mode.

[tojaz]

She was always like that. It's a cycle, I attack as am hurt by her, she retreats and self-hates, I go into protection mode.

 

No, I mean her current behavior in general. Her partying, not liking sex, not wanting to be a parent. Are these news to you or has that always been a part of her character since before marriage?

[Downtown]

She send me messages one minute saying she loves me and wants to work it out, then disappears again.... I can't stand to see her cry and be lost - as she clearly is. She actually has no idea what to do.... her emotional capacity is not capable.

Dan, you seem to be describing emotional instability. If so, I note that the two most common causes of such instability are a hormone problem and drug abuse. It is extremely unlikely, however, that a hormone change or drug abuse would suddenly appear immediately after your wedding. Hence, if you can rule those two problems out -- and you seem to have done so because you don't mention them -- it would be prudent to consider the two remaining common causes of emotional instability: bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

I've been to counseling, so has she, but nothing has changed and she hurts me still.

If your W really does exhibit strong warning signs for bipolar or BPD, going to a marriage counselor likely will be a total waste of time until she has had IC to address the underlying issue. I therefore suggest you see a psychologist (not a MC) -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you protect yourself by learning how to spot the warning signs for both BPD and bipolar disorder.

 

An easy place to start reading is my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences, which is based on my experiences with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son) and a BPDer (my exW). If that description of BPD traits rings many bells, I would suggest you also take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will NOT enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her. Take care, Dan.

Edited August 22, 2016 by Downtown

[LancasterAmos1966]

I need someone else more compatible.

 

Not trying to be Mr. Philosopher, but really, how could you either one of you know if you are compatible until you try being married?

 

You can date, you can court, you can stall the wedding for 50 years --- and when all is said and done, the person might not be compatible.

 

My wife looked like she fell off an Amish buggy when I married her, but eventually, she grew tired of our lifestyle and wanted to move on. So that goes to show that you might be compatible when you get married, but people can change over the course of time.

 

I don't consider my time to be wasted because I enjoyed the 20 years or so that we spent together. I actually had someone share their life with me, and I will never forget that!!

 

Anyway, haha, I tried extra hard to stay married because I'm not able to remarry until death do us part.....even when/if she files divorce, I'm still going to honor my vow. (And no, I am not stalking her. As a matter of fact, I've made it clear that I'm saving a spot on my wall for the divorce certificate. I wanted her to know that she is free from me!!)

 

I'm not saying what your wife did is right to waste your time like this, but I don't think she set out to hurt you. My wife did not want to hurt me, so I'm guessing your wife is just living life, wondering why you are getting up in a tizzy over things that are no big deal to her.

 

Again, this does not make her actions morally right, but there are many that would like to classify my wife and yours as evil, narcissistic uncaring women. I disagree. I think they are on their Life Journey, and they want to have fun and freedom. Marriage to people like you and me tends to restrict them. I actually think some people should not get married. They are more cut out to live free, happy-go-lucky, and never settle down. But marriage seems to be a goal for most people even though it would be better for a portion of them to remain single.

 

I'm not sure if a book called Uncoupling: Turning Points In Intimate Relationships would help you, but at least google it at Amazon, and read some of the comments. That book helped me so much, because it made me realize that my wife NEEDED to be free from me, our marriage, and our 6 kids. Once I realized that is what she wanted, I started recovering, and arrived at Acceptance fairly quickly.

 

And yes, you will yo-yo back and forth inside the Stages of grief. So they are more like guidelines to help you understand where you might be in the process.

 

Some people get stuck in one of the stages, like Anger. And so they become a Professional Victim. Everything that goes wrong in their life now automatically is because their marriage failed, and so they blame their spouse for everything bad that might happen to them for the rest of their lives!!

 

You are here trying to get help, so I'm guessing you will not get stuck. You will go through the stages, and come out feeling Ok. Many are rooting for your recovery, and for you to come out of this standing tall.

Edited August 22, 2016 by LancasterAmos1966

[Lowrider93]

Hi Dan, since you said you were religious, a friend gave this to me I'll pass it on.

 

Dear God

Enlighten what is dark in me.

Strengthen what is weak in me.

Mend what is broken in me.

Bind what is bruised in me.

Revive whatever peace

and love that has died in me.

 

Hang tough.

[desertfunguy]

I know you are pretty young and this hurts a great deal, but be very happy that you are not raising children with this person. If I was in a marriage like yours, and it ended, I would be devastated too. I am facing something similar after 16 years with two teen kids, and major financial connections. I had a live in girlfriend when I was in my 20s and we were horrible together. Great attraction, but then all of the emotions, all over the place. I hate to sound like a chauvinist, but many of these ladies have not been role modeled to be good family types. Many people now think everything is an entitlement, and do not know that things take work. From what you wrote, she sounds like a confused mess. Men can be a mess too, and there are many angry men out there too. Rough world.

 

I know you love her, for some of us it is in our nature to try and "fix" certain personality types. I am like this too, and paid for it over and over with my emotions dashed left and right. Take a little chunk of wisdom from someone who has been through these things, and be happy that you can move forward. Take concrete steps to envision, and then realize a future happiness. Do not jump into another relationship at the marriage level until you are certain. Spend a lot of time together and be best friends first.

 

You will be okay. Many of us are facing this with you. Most of the posters on here are men, because we seem to be so emotionally deaf that we get caught like a deer in the headlights with these things. I know I am like that. Some of the ladies on here are facing monsters of men, and that is sad to read, and I wish I could reach out and help them more than just writing. There is a lot of sadness here, but some good advice that seems to be pretty tough too. I hope things go well for you.

[Dan1977]

No, I mean her current behavior in general. Her partying, not liking sex, not wanting to be a parent. Are these news to you or has that always been a part of her character since before marriage?

 

I was blindsided, but kinda knew deep down if I'm totally honest, now I look down on her in a bad way, probably because I'm hurt at my core.

[Dan1977]

Dan, you seem to be describing emotional instability. If so, I note that the two most common causes of such instability are a hormone problem and drug abuse. It is extremely unlikely, however, that a hormone change or drug abuse would suddenly appear immediately after your wedding. Hence, if you can rule those two problems out -- and you seem to have done so because you don't mention them -- it would be prudent to consider the two remaining common causes of emotional instability: bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

.

 

It is my opinion that she has some serious core issues, not really bi-polar, but more to do with complex esteem issues, rage, non-emotionalism, and everything else coming out of a bad childhood and family core. I have seen it displayed in her siblings, they all suffer from not being emotional but also flip and go off and can't deal when presented with normal life challenges like for you and me and everyone else.

 

She has punched me in the face before, wept herself into complete despair hitting the walls and saying she is useless, but then acts completely stable and normal the rest of the time. I don't think this is bi-polar as she is consistently 'normal' and flat line, but at times I've seen her at her worst.

 

I have been to counseling, and learnt form it, she has been and learnt nothing as they only give her what she asks for and she's not even aware of what to ask for and really deal with.

 

Not being able to kiss her, kiss her breasts or stomach, her neck or anywhere else because she pulls away are all signs of some weirdness going on, her running away and not dealing is just emotionally underdeveloped, we would all normally stay and talk, she runs away to parties and forgets to come back in time but then genuinely says sorry it was just normal.

[Dan1977]

Not trying to be Mr. Philosopher, but really, how could you either one of you know if you are compatible until you try being married?

 

I am still angry, of course i am, I move through all 5 stages of this probably every minute. i went to counseling, they reminded me what the hell was I doing there, being treated like that? And for her as well, it was great on some levels, but so so bad on emotional and sexual levels but I sacrificed, I know it changes and you are right, but I need someone who is strong, not fickle, no way. Never again if i can help it. That's what i need to try and learn rationally.

[Dan1977]

Hi Dan, since you said you were religious, a friend gave this to me I'll pass it on.

 

Dear God

Enlighten what is dark in me.

Strengthen what is weak in me.

Mend what is broken in me.

Bind what is bruised in me.

Revive whatever peace

and love that has died in me.

 

Hang tough.

 

 

This is beautiful, I will copy paste to my email so I can re-read in times of crisis. Thank you

[elaine567]

How old are you and your wife?