Ready to divorce... He won't even talk about it

[bennybones]

Hi,

I'm curious if anyone has experience with this;

We have been separated for almost 2 years (haven't lived in the same house and he lives with his partner and her kids now). We have a kid together (week on/week off), we are mostly on speaking terms, but when I try to schedule a time for us to go over a formal separation agreement in order for me to get the actual divorce rolling, he cancels. EVERY. TIME. I've rescheduled to times that he picked, but every time about an hour before we are supposed to meet, something "important" comes up and he can't meet. I don't want spousal support, I know I'm not getting child support, as he has said dozens of time when I ask him to contribute to the school lunch account "you can't bleed a rock," I just want a f*ing divorce!

Before anyone goes on to defend him saying that "work schedules can be tough"... He hasn't had a job in over 3 years! (That's how long it took me to finish my degree). I've made peace (sort of I'm kind of bitter) with the fact that I will be the only one actually contributing fiscally to my son (he has a great relationship with my son and I'd never dream of tainting that) but I have no idea what else to do... I recently finished my degree, but I am not gainfully employed yet, so i can't really afford to pay a legal team to do all this for me and I am desperate (more or less)... any suggestions welcome!

[PegNosePete]

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

 

Look, you don't need his co-operation, his consent or even his signature to get a divorce. The next step to take very much depends on which country / state you're in.

 

What you should do now is speak to a lawyer and tell him that your spouse has failed to co-operate with your attempts for an amicable divorce, and ask what is necessary to get the divorce done as quickly as possible under the assumption that he will not lift a finger, return any paperwork or sign anything.

 

You don't need a legal "team". It's a very quick and simple job.

Edited August 22, 2016 by PegNosePete

[bennybones]

Yeah, I figure there is another solution that would involve lawyers and money. I wish I had the funds to go seek some legal advice, but school is starting and kids (or my husband) don't clothe themselves or pay for lacrosse dues! I do appreciate the advice... (which i will eventually follow) but any thoughts as to what I could do without the lawyer? I'd like to feel like I'm still doing something in the meantime... while wading through this never ending relationship? I'm not seeking legal advice, but group think has proven to work for birds and baitfish survival!

[PegNosePete]

First consultation with a lawyer is usually free. Definitely worth doing, whether you can afford to take them on a paid basis or not. You can get a lot of info in a free half hour.

 

It can be done DIY and some people on here are quite good at it - but we'll need to know where you are since laws are significantly different in different countries/states.

[bennybones]

In the states, Virginia, Tidewater Area (in case anyone has suggestions or referals)! I went to see a lawyer two years ago when we intially seperated. It didn't go too well, she basically told me that I would likely end up paying him support because he doesn't have a job, and other obvious signs that she didn't want me as a client, so I gave up! I will seek further counsel when I get back to Tidewater.

Any suggestions as to which forums may have already covered this? I hate to be a bother, but if you'll let me, I'll harass and pick your brain for hours!

[basil67]

Are you on good terms with his new partner? I would imagine she'd prefer him to be divorced, so she may be in your corner to help get this done.

[bennybones]

I think we are, we don't really have much contact. I like her just fine, but I know he doesn't talk to her about these types of things. (Maybe he does, but I know him pretty well.. he tends to just ignore things and do nothing until it just goes away.) They have been together living in his parent's rental home for over a year and she has no clue that he doesn't pay rent or utilities, but that his parents are paying for it. That is the level of communication he operates at.

I understand what you are saying about seeing if see can apply some pressure, but how do I approach her about it? As of now, I could file all the paperwork online etc... and have it delivered to him for about $300, but then the ball is in his court. I doubt he'd even tell her he was served with papers (or whatever they call it).

This is where I am at... I could pay the online fees, ~$300 to have the paperwork filed and sent, but I worry that he'd just never do anything and I'd have to take another avenue which would cost more money. Which I don't have and am going to be even more bitter about spending on this stupid divorce when his dumbass doesn't even pay rent or utilities at his own house!!!! Sorry... random bitter tangent. But you see where I'm going with this. Should I file the paper work online anyways? Rock. ME. Hard Place.

[Miss Clavel]

In the states, Virginia, Tidewater Area (in case anyone has suggestions or referals)! I went to see a lawyer two years ago when we intially seperated. It didn't go too well, she basically told me that I would likely end up paying him support because he doesn't have a job, and other obvious signs that she didn't want me as a client, so I gave up! I will seek further counsel when I get back to Tidewater.

Any suggestions as to which forums may have already covered this? I hate to be a bother, but if you'll let me, I'll harass and pick your brain for hours!

 

 

it sounds like he doesn't want his "partner" to know he will soon be eligible.

 

my coworker (one minor child) rec'd divorce papers from her husband, she's divorced. never signed anything, didn't know a thing about it.

 

another one had to take out ads in several local and legal newspapers announcing her intention to divorce her absent and reluctant husband. a few months later the court granted the divorce.

 

if you can prove you have been separated for over one year, take the proof (lease/electric bill) and all your other papers (IRS returns that you filed as "single or abandoned") over to the courthouse and ask around. you might have to have him legally served, for a small fee.

 

after that if he doesn't file a response, then you should be granted an "uncontested" divorce. if he files a response that he doesn't want a divorce, i believe, you and he will be sent to MC.

 

my wasband, in spite of the fact that he was already living with his "soulmate" didn't want a divorce. he did, however sign the "settlement/separation agreement" and that was all i needed to file.

 

when you get in front of a judge, be very careful not to show emotion or reluctance. i was told that any sign of emotion and my judge would delay the final decree and send us to MC.

 

don't forget to pay for two copies of the "final decree". you will need these papers for several reasons, later on.

 

good luck

[bennybones]

Ok, so I've established I'm going to seek counsel from a lawyer.

What all should I bring with me? What questions should I be asking? How do I get the most out of this free consult?

And the biggest thing for me... how do I refrain from seeming petty? I only want to bring up stuff that is relevant to the case and no waste anyone's time. He has no job, his parents support him... he's trying to get disability from the VA....I pay for viola, lacrosse, birthday parties, school lunches, insurance, glasses. what is relevant and what is petty? I know it sounds stupid, but I have a hard time discerning the two sometimes because every time I ask for contribution from him, he acts like I'm a greedy bitch trying to extract money and I think to myself... "am i really?" anyways... tips please.

[bennybones]

Thank you... and I will now be adding "wasbund" to my vocabulary, in prep for the big D.

[Bufo]

This is simple. OP wants legal advice about the divorce laws and procedures of a specific state. She has deemed the one lawyer she saw a while ago unsuitable.

As such it seems reasonable to seek that legal advice from strangers on the internet. After all, lacrosse dues are expensive.

 

OP. Your question is state-specific and you do not want to get generalized or even inaccurate advice with something as important as this. Rethink your financial priorities. Maybe there is Legal Aid available whee you live.

[PegNosePete]

What all should I bring with me?

A brief summary of the finances and arrangements for the child care. It should all fit on one side of A4. Just a summary, no need for details of who bought the sofa or the fridge, just the basics. Important things like property values and mortgage amounts, savings, debts, credit cards, and whose names they are in. Income and outgoings.

 

What questions should I be asking? How do I get the most out of this free consult?

Well - you can always have more than one by going to different lawyers

 

The first thing I'd ask is how do you get a divorce assuming your husband will not lift a finger or return any paperwork. I can't speak for your location but in general this means having the papers "served" like you see on TV and movies. It's usually not as dramatic as that of course, often it will just be a knock on the door, are you Mr Whatever, here you go there's a delivery. Rather than having them delivered by post (for which he could claim "I never got them"), you have them served by an official person giving the recipient the papers into their hand, and signing an affidavit proving to the court that the recipient has received the papers. Even the most stubborn recipients can be "served", at home, at work, in a bar, I've even heard cases where they have been served under a car windscreen wiper as he tries to drive away. As long as it can be proven that the papers were given to him, then you're sorted.

 

The serving can be done by a court bailiff or a special "process server" that you hire yourself; you can google to find a local one. Often the independent ones are better than the court ones and will more doggedly pursue their mark since that's their livelihood.

 

And the biggest thing for me... how do I refrain from seeming petty?

Just don't break it down. Make a summary of how much you spend and categorise it as hobbies, daily living, etc. Don't sweat the small stuff; choose your battles and keep your eye on the goal (divorce).

[bennybones]

why post something to passive aggressively insult someone you don't know on the internet? I won't bite. I've obviously already made the resolve to seek legal counsel. Not actually seeking legal advice... seeking opinions, or other ideas, and an avenue to vent on... pretty sure that's what this forum is for. but thanks anyways.

[MJJean]

Are you seeing the lawyer as a client or to merely ask questions so you can DIY divorce?

 

When I divorced, I did my own. In my state, all I had to do was obtain the correct papers (my county only accepts a certain format out of many available), fill them out, file them, have exH served (I had a friend serve him and then notarize the Proof of Service rather than pay for a professional process server), return the Proof of Service to the court, then I got my court date and my divorce was finalized. The whole process took 3 months, start to finish.

 

If you're seeing the attorney to get filing advice, ask primarily about procedure and what custody/support agreements are standard in your state. You don't want to deviate from the standard unless abolutely necessary. Also, you want your custody agreement detailed. As in, you want clear drop off and pick up dates and times. That way, if your ex ever refuses to give you the kids after his visitation, you have orders that are clear and enforceable.

 

My ex tried to delay the divorce, too. He was living between his parents house and whatever GF he was seeing at the moment. I was living with my then BF/now DH. We'd been separated for nearly two years before I found out I could file on my own. You'd think he'd have been excited to legally be freed and that there didn't have to be lawyers and extra expense involved, but noooo.

 

ExH called me hours before the divorce hearing to claim he couldn't afford the gas and parking, so wouldn't be attending. If he didn't show, the judge could postpone the hearing. I lost it, I'll admit. I told my exH that I would drive him to the hearing, that he would be attending, and that if I pulled into the drive and he didn't voluntarily get in the car, I'd put him in the car involuntarily. He got in the car and my divorce was final that day.

 

Maybe your STBXH would be more co-operative if you gave him a little...encouragement.

[bennybones]

Thank you! I am going to try the cheapest way, and if i can file the papers myself I will. I can definitely see him pulling some last minute **** like that. He is a big dude, so I don't see me getting him in the car if he doesn't do it voluntarily... but hopefully it doesn't come to that!

[PegNosePete]

Personally I would go with "confuse him with legal know-how" rather than muscle.

 

"If you don't show up to the hearing then I'll petition the judge for an in-absentia ruling which will be a lot worse for you in the long run. I hope you've got a good lawyer if you're choosing this path. Now are you going to get in the car or not?"

 

Something like that. Even if you're making it up as you go, it might just show that you're not messing, you know what you're talking about, and you mean business. Knowledge is power.

[MJJean]

Thank you! I am going to try the cheapest way, and if i can file the papers myself I will. I can definitely see him pulling some last minute **** like that. He is a big dude, so I don't see me getting him in the car if he doesn't do it voluntarily... but hopefully it doesn't come to that!

 

In my state, exH not going to that hearing would have meant a rescheduled hearing. A couple reschedules and the court will proceed with the divorce anyways. Once the case is filed and the Respondent is legally served, the court will eventually grant a divorce. The only thing that not cooperating will do is delay.

 

I only regret not being as thorough on the debts as I should have been. We'd never had any joint accounts, didn't have any assets other than personal vehicles and whatever was in the bank account at the moment. By the time I filed, the bank account had been long closed, we each had our own personal vehicles, and I only included in the divorce papers that we each retain possession of our personal property.

 

Turns out, exH had opened a few accounts and run up some debt while we were separated. A couple of those accounts went to collections. This impacted my credit report because we were still legally married at the time and my state joins spouse credit reports. If I had known, I could have had it stipulated in the divorce papers that those debts were solely his responsibility.

 

When you talk to the lawyer, ask about how you can protect yourself from any debt he may have run up and how to make sure he is responsible for his portion of any marital debts.

[MJJean]

Personally I would go with "confuse him with legal know-how" rather than muscle.

 

"If you don't show up to the hearing then I'll petition the judge for an in-absentia ruling which will be a lot worse for you in the long run. I hope you've got a good lawyer if you're choosing this path. Now are you going to get in the car or not?"

 

Something like that. Even if you're making it up as you go, it might just show that you're not messing, you know what you're talking about, and you mean business. Knowledge is power.

 

This is actually not an idle threat in my state. If a person fails to attend a few hearings without dang good reasons, the court will proceed without them.

 

I was helping a friend with her DIY divorce earlier this year. We were in court, watching hearings, waiting to be called. A divorce case came before the judge, the husband failed to show for the second time, the judge said "Was he served and notified of the hearing date?" The Petitioner gave the judge an affirmative and presented Proof of Service. The judge just huffed and immediately proceeded with the divorce. He made his rulings and had the new ex-wife out of there within 10 minutes.

 

This kind of thing really depends on state law and the unique disposition of your judge, though.

 

ETA: Have you checked your county court website? Our county started e-divorces this past year. Any county resident can go to their website, pay a fee, download and fill out the papers, e-file them for another fee, and follow the procedure from there. I've heard other people say their counties have similar ways to file.

Edited August 22, 2016 by MJJean

[BluEyeL]

I also had a DIY divorce that cost me $250 and we didn't even go to court. But my exH signed the papers and returned them. He can't stop the divorce, look up information on the internet and file the papers and have him served. He may be able to delay but not stop it. Good luck!

[Lois_Griffin]

He has no job, his parents support him... he's trying to get disability from the VA....I pay for viola, lacrosse, birthday parties, school lunches, insurance, glasses. what is relevant and what is petty? I know it sounds stupid, but I have a hard time discerning the two sometimes because every time I ask for contribution from him, he acts like I'm a greedy bitch trying to extract money and I think to myself... "am i really?" anyways... tips please.

Jesus, what a complete LOSER.

 

There are STILL state minimums that non-custodial parents have to pay for their kids. The state doesn't look at worthless losers who don't want to work and say, 'awww...we'll make him exempt from paying child support for his kids because the poor guy just doesn't want to work.' That's ludicrous.

 

You should have been down at the county offices filing a child support claim two years ago. Whether his lazy ass is working or not has no bearing on the fact that they'd likely attach the state minimum of support to him and every week he chooses to stay home like the worthless POS he is, the higher the arrears will continue to climb. They'll take away his driver's license (lol...like THAT would affect his commute to work...) and they'll seize any of this tax returns (of which I assume he has none) or any other money he came into.

 

Make this assclown RESPONSIBLE. Get a child support order in place NOW. And I believe they'll garnish the loser's Disability if he manages to play the system and gets it. Losers like him usually DO know how to work the system. DO IT.

[loveboid]

I would divorce before getting a job and working too long into the marriage. If the divorce keeps dragging you could owe him alimony.

 

In my state you can file yourself and if he doesn't show up the judge gives you a default judgement--basically you get what you ask for in the divorce. The other side has 20 days to answer after you serve divorce papers otherwise the judge automatically decides in your favor.

[planning4later]

Men have no incentive to legally divorce. All that can happen to a man is that he loses more and winds up in a worse position. That's why women are the ones who file 70% of the time. It's all about incentive.

[aileD]

He's going to be ordered to pay support now.

 

Might even come out of any paycheck he might receive.

 

You have a nice arrangement now. He gets to see his son and not contribute financially. Why would he want to change that?

 

You're going to have to file with out him. Have him served. If he refuses to show up the judge will eventually grant you a divorce. Might be long and drawn out but it will happen

 

Good luck