Returning to dating after assault

[Giaesquire]

This is harder than I had thought. Okay, here's the story: Two years ago, through my work, I caught the attention of a man who ultimately broke into my home while I was asleep, raped me and stabbed me. I was very, very lucky to survive. My boyfriend of three years couldn't handle it, and he just sort of faded out. I have done a lot to be okay. I went through the trial process, so I at least have the comfort of knowing he is being punished and can't hurt anyone. I have had a lot of therapy, and I will continue that. I have a great career, and overall, life is good again. My therapist has been pushing me- she would say "encouraging" me- to date again. When I "feel ready". I don't know if I am. I will have to explain some pretty major scars. I don't want to lie, but I can't imagine telling the truth in that situation, either. So, that is a big mental hurdle for me. I have looked around on the web, and I have seen a number of forums that include men saying their girlfriends/wives were raped, and their honest thoughts don't make me feel better! They often doubt that the story is true, or they blame the girl, or they just can no longer touch her. I don't want that. I hope I can find someone who can see me as a strong person. I want whoever I date to see me as sexy and un damaged, and I'm not sure I'm either. I sense that time won't help; I have to try to resurrect that part of my life, even if it feels odd. It feels like I'm a virgin who has never been on a date! I feel a lot of uncertainty. Sorry this was so long.

[Miss Clavel]

i admire you and what you have done to get your life back.

 

in your mind you are "explaining" what happened and what you went thru to someone you haven't met, yet. don't bother. these scenes playing in our heads rarely go the way we envision.

 

when you get to the day where you are becoming intimate with someone that cares about you and is hurrying to take your pants off, i don't think they are going to spend too much time on your scars.

 

if they do ask, if you think they want to know, for the right reasons. then explain that you were in a "robbery". that someone you barely knew broke in your house and tried to "steal everything important to you".

 

and, most important, they failed.

[todreaminblue]

did you explain how you felt about telling a future date what happened to you to your therapist and what did the therapist suggest you might say...or not say......

 

you are strong...you are a survivor you have done the hard yards since the assault.......you earned your status as a survivor..you have goen through a lot...and you are still standing.......and any man worth his metal......will see you as that.....

 

i have never had a man not believe me when i tell them ....i tell them without graphics...quick and over with............i have at times had flashbacks from certain triggers not very often........and i feel honesty is the only way to be fair to them and to me........i dont date a lot of men...i get to know them as friends before i date them....that has always made me feel...more at ease i guess letting them know traumatic personal history.....

 

its funny because it is so much easier isnt it to share trauma on a public website....than to look someone in the eyes...feel and see what they feel when you are talking...and tell them the same thing..i feel that group therapy helped me immensely with talking about it....just from listening to others and realizing i wasnt alone.....that what i was feeling wasn tstrange and completely normal for what had happened to me...others felt the same thing...had the same worries........

 

some guys might be turned off....or feel uncomfortable pursuing a relationship with women who have been raped.....but how i look at it is....if that is the case that guy or those guys are exactly wrong for us anyway...if i am going to date anyone it will be a guy who sees me for who i am and what i have been through...respects the fact ....i made it..me...i made it....i won.....i survived....

not to see me as a woman who got raped....or in effect seeing me as what happened to me years ago.....i dont want to live in my past.i survived an di had to live it.....and so i move on.....i want a future with a guy....

 

so as i said...if a guy gets skittish or balks at the first hurdle........that guy is not right for you or for me.....at least if he decides to walk he can walk early on and let you get back to finding a date with a guy who sees you for who you are and not what happened to you..i find knowing a guy and his values, standards and personality really helps you to feel more at ease in accepting a date....that is why i advocate getting to know a guy before accepting a date....telling a guy you would like to know him better and go from there..builds up a bit of trust and respect that way before even accepting a date.........i wish you well...deb