Elderly parent driving me beyond mad.

[fromheart]

To the point where I could stick my head through the wall.

 

My mother has never fully regarded me as a grown up. Now my father has passed away, I have to be in a lot of day to day contact with her to help out. She doesn't need care or anything, more with general house stuff.

 

If she thought I was still a kid before, it is now 10 times worse. On top of that, she never listens to my constant reminding her to be security conscious in the house, there have been burglaries in the area.

 

I end up getting angry and then feeling terrible afterwards. But she'll never regard me as an adult no matter what I do, and never really listens.

 

Home life was pretty disastrous as a kid, so when I left the nest I wasn't around for the most part of 10 years.

 

Looking after a parent or parents is what we all have to do at some stage, now I'm at that point I'm finding it very difficult to cope. Just venting off here, but if anyone has been through a similar situation with a parent and made it through with sanity intact, I'd like to here about it!

Edited August 23, 2016 by fromheart

[Tayla]

Yes. Ten years .. Full time care provider.In restrospect 90% of what I got upset about were so unnecessary. So I leave you with my wisdom... Long after I lost my beloved mom. Be kind, listen ... And above all regard her realistic wishes. It takes stepping into their shoes ( empathy) to understand them. I do understand your side.. The safety and welfare... It can be daunting... Yet so rewarding once prioritizing that the person is still here and worthy of our loving attention.

[MuddyFootprints]

Remembering and respecting the fact that elderly parents are still adults and can still be quite capable of making their own decisions in the latter years of their life can be difficult.

 

The last thing they want is for their children to have to parent them.

[fromheart]

Thanks for the replies. I'm going to make an effort to keep as calm as possible, and not have her last years full of fighting with her son.

[OptimismandHope]

I understand how frustrating it can be to care for an elderly parent, whether that is attending to physical needs, or in your case, lending practical and emotional support. It requires patience and compassion and empathy. It requires putting your hand on your mouth and not saying what you may want to say! BUT when this person who loved you all your life is declining and still wanting to preserve his/her dignity, it calls for a different perspective. It is not easy growing old. It is not easy to accept that your body is not working the way it used to. It is not easy when details that came so easily are somewhere confused in your mind. You hold on to what you know and WHO you know and that is often your children. If you can still give them suggestions or nurturing, you desperately try to as this may mean that you are not as declined as you think (but really know) you are. I have been a caregiver to two parents with dementia. I lost my Dad and miss him every day. While it was hard many days, I am a better person because of this experience. He taught me what really matters and that the only real legacy worth leaving is love. I treasure each day I have left with my Mom. Your parents are one of the only sources of unconditional love, they offered us nurturing and open arms and acceptance when no one else did. It is our time to give them something back. I am not diminishing how hard it is, not at all. But I am suggesting that if you look at Mom from a different place, you may find peace and even joy. You may find yourself drawing closer to her, recalling past years and special memories. You will store treasures in your heart for when you can no longer hold her hand or see her smile. Wishing you the best.

[UpwardForward]

Remembering and respecting the fact that elderly parents are still adults and can still be quite capable of making their own decisions in the latter years of their life can be difficult.

 

The last thing they want is for their children to have to parent them.

 

In my mother's situation, yes she did want me to parent her.

 

Even as a child I was pretty much on my own. Then after raising my kids - who are now far into their adulthood .. it also became that of parenting my mother who Always felt she had been deprived of her childhood!

 

Now that she is gone, I am devastated.

 

She died (alone) in September, my son almost died in December. He is now in a nursing home. I am there daily.

 

It never ends.

 

But admittedly I expect more from myself as a mother than I did as a daughter. Probably, it shouldn't be that way.