About to hit an ugly divorce... [update: still together, but separated, he raped me]

[NHappy]

I'm in a really sticky situation, and any help is much appreciated. I'm married to someone I have been with for a decade now, and there have been several incidents that have hampered our relationship in a way that I don't think I'll ever get over.

 

My husband beat me when I was a few months pregnant with my first son. We had an explosive argument regarding his quitting pot (something he kept bringing around as he used to work at a dispensary- and I am NOT okay with that being around me during pregnancy, although am completely okay with it under other circumstances). He grabbed me by the neck and threw me down my back. This never happened again since I called my Mom during this (the kindergarten tattle tale tactic worked in this case).

 

I forgave him, and this didn't happen again until we were financially stressed, when he slammed me into a wall and beat me again. I could probably deal with this, and the fact that he has forgotten several birthdays of mine and cannot plan a date, but he is also very physical with my kids.He played sports, so the angry rough housing is normal for him, but not for me...and not for my oldest son who is very sensitive.

 

I pity him, because he was in several soccer games where he was asked to repeatedly hit his head against the ball and also had a concussion due to a fight. I have read literature that this suggests this can contribute to violence, and it definitely plays out in his behavior. And, he's also a good guy at heart, I have always felt.

 

That said, I can't deal with the toll it's taken on my self esteem any longer, and don't want to have to deal with my kids complaining about his temper. He was away for two days (the longest he ever has been since we married) and it was the most peaceful time of my life...the kids were more well behaved, the house cleaner and everything had order for the first time in a long while. I drem of those two days every day that passes.

 

We're headed for what looks like a pretty ugly divorce, and he keeps threatening me. I have always had the idea that you can divorce your spouse and remain friends, and that is the most constructive way to do things when you have kids. My parents were the opposite- always suing each other, and I never wanted to go down that route.

 

I'm dealing with a man right now who threatened to put termites under our last landlords house to get us out of a lease. While they were horrible people, that gives you an idea of what he would do, and I'm a little concerned. I live in an area where I don't have any family (only his family is here) and abuse cases like this are thrown out of court (welcome to silicon valley!)

 

The biggest issue has nothing to do with money- I run a business with him and have spent 14+ hours working while pregnant while he sat on the couch, even though he still owns half the shares despite telling me he forfeited them during this time. His opinions, plans and threats are so fluid it makes things much more difficult because he is unpredictable. The worst aspect is that his brother is a member of the Sea Org with the Church of Scientology, and they have been known to harass people in lawsuits utilizing the tax exempt status (prob a non-issue bc my husband can't stand them, his brother is cool, but based on everything I've heard they're still a threat).

 

I had to work from the hospital bed after a c-section to be able to earn an income, since if I left everything into his hands nothing would get done. I have dealt with liability issues again and again, and due to his utter disregard for the law (especially as it pertains to our business) it's a fight I've been stuck in. My business was something I've been putting together as a kid, and something handed down by my parents, and has been the biggest and most consistent threat from him. If I suggest a divorce lawyer, he threatens changing his shares in the business or taking the kids.

 

Any advice is very much appreciated. I'm in a horrible spot right now.

[Jeff1690]

First off domestic violence is a cycle. You keep falling in. No man has a right to hurt a woman, especially while pregnant! Did you ever file a police report? If so get copies. If he threatens you go by the police station file a report. Document all cases of domestic violence, both verbal and physical. Get out of there now if you can. It only gets worse.

 

Can't help you on the business side. Sorry you are here.

[planning4later]

When he beat you, who started the physical fight?

 

The only reason I ask is because my ex wife told the judge that I "beat" her as well. This was a shock to me. She was referring to a fight when SHE, not me, came running at me swinging and flailing--where all I did was stop her by holding her arms, after which she threw HERSELF back onto the floor to make it seem like it was me who did it. When this happened, I knew I was being set up for something crazy down the line. Any time in the future when she came running at me swinging, I would literally run away from her with my hands in the air out of fear that she would accuse me of "beating" her by merely stopping her. It didn't matter. She told the judge that I "beat" her anyway.

[ChickiePops]

Regardless of what happens, he is not and never has been a good guy.

[Mr. Lucky]

I had to work from the hospital bed after a c-section to be able to earn an income, since if I left everything into his hands nothing would get done. I have dealt with liability issues again and again, and due to his utter disregard for the law (especially as it pertains to our business) it's a fight I've been stuck in. My business was something I've been putting together as a kid, and something handed down by my parents, and has been the biggest and most consistent threat from him. If I suggest a divorce lawyer, he threatens changing his shares in the business or taking the kids.

 

Any advice is very much appreciated. I'm in a horrible spot right now.

 

Seems pretty obvious but complex legal questions regarding business and divorce require the services of a lawyer in your state specializing in that area.

 

Don't ask strangers on the Internet, ask an attorney. Many offer a free initial consultation and can give you a good idea of your options. And even better, you don't need permission from anyone, husband included, just to talk...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Formerfiveo]

If he threatens you go by the police station file a report. Document all cases of domestic violence, both verbal and physical. Get out of there now if you can. It only gets worse.

 

I can't stress this point enough.

 

One act or threat by itself may not be enough to get a protective order should you need one (although they aren't worth much if the ex is a psychopath). But several documented cases altogether will be. A judge or magistrate looks at the totality of the circumstances, not one individual incident, especially if it's verbal.

[elaine567]

Get hold of an attorney and find out what your rights are.

 

As it is your business and he is literally a couch potato, (if possible) get busy protecting your assets, so that when he does sue you there is little left to sue. Make sure he cannot raid any joint accounts, protect all that you can.

 

Forget about being friends, this is war, and if you weaken here, you and your kids will suffer, so act business-like, smart and clever.

Do not get emotional, or angry or upset, and show your hand. Once you have your ducks in a row, that is the time to face him.

 

Stop threatening him with lawyers in order to get him to behave, the time for that is long gone.

Do not give him time to muster an attack by telling him too much too soon.

DO NOT alert him to what you are up to. You want to be able to present him with a fait accompli.

Keep him sweet until you are ready to go.

[Arieswoman]

NHappy,

I didn't read any further than this ;

 

My husband beat me when I was a few months pregnant with my first son.

 

You need to get away from this situation asap. Protect yourself and your assets as others have suggested and just GO !

[standtall]

Are you in the States or some other developed western culture? If so, you have some tremendous legal protections....seek out a battered women's shelter and get a PPO posthaste. If not, contact a woman's support group in your country for further advice. You need to do this as if your life depends on it...as it may.

[NHappy]

Thank you- never got a police report either time. The first time during pregnancy was years ago, and I really didn't have family to rely on so doing that sort of thing would have made life very difficult for me, mainly due to the fact that I was pregnant.

[NHappy]

He's not actually threatening me with violence, but to take the kids, business, that type of thing. I'm not worried for my safety right now, but can't get over what was done in the past and also don't like the general rough behavior with the kids. I'm just really stuck.

[NHappy]

He's not leaving the business to me and being a couch potato anymore- this was intermittent and he still owns half the company, so this could get really ugly. He has been pulling his weight lately. We have washed our hands of our assets pretty much, but I could never be that person to hide bank accounts. Getting emotional is not happening with me- more so with him. I'm pretty numb. He does definitely love me, but that's making this more complicated at this point. I grew up with my parents going through a horrible divorce and cannot fathom putting my own kids through that. I don't want to go to war... this is the father of my children. I don't want to look at them and hate his half of their genes. Doing that doesn't just hurt him, it hurts my kid's father. I really appreciate the advice but don't want to fight trough this one, and honestly don't have the support to be able to do so.

 

I'm in the US, but a battered woman's shelter is not an option for me- that would destroy my self esteem. I don't want to be a battered woman, and I'm not at risk anymore- he'll never touch me again, because he knows I'll call the police (I threaten to if he's rough with the kids). But, for some reason he also thinks if I did call the police they wouldn't care because it took place in the past. And, he's right that this is somewhat overblown because it was a past situation. He's not beating me now, I need to emphasize that. He doesn't beat our kids other than little smacks and arm yanks, etc, but that's not how I raise my kids. He's also still my best friend, making this the worst and most twisted situation possible.

 

Also, he has access to everything, including this. He has all my passwords.

 

To give you an idea of what I'm dealing with, we had a business situation where he faxed something he wasn't supposed to several years ago by accident, and ended up getting yelled at horribly on the phone. Not only did he lie and blame everything on me to the person who was yelling at him (I wasn't even in the room and had nothing to do with this error; could not have even prevented it since I wasn't informed he was doing it) but he told the person yelling at him he would fire me (I trained HIM). His facts are so fluid it's ridiculous. His political affiliation is the same as the person he's speaking with, religious preferences, etc. It drives me crazy, and I have absolutely no idea what to expect. But, we get along a lot of the time and understand each other better than anyone.

 

Has anyone been able to effectively close a divorce in a very civil way where you remain friends with someone like this? I can't do the war thing, it's just not me.

Edited August 23, 2016 by NHappy

[Mittens]

The main thing you seem to be concerned with is remaining 'friends' with your husband after the divorce. From what you've detailed, there is absolutely zero chance of this happening.

 

Why would you want to be friends with someone who is violent and thinks nothing of beating a pregnant woman up, anyway?

[standtall]

He's not actually threatening me with violence, but to take the kids, business, that type of thing. I'm not worried for my safety right now, .

 

Are you sure about this?

 

That said, I can't deal with the toll it's taken on my self esteem any longer, and don't want to have to deal with my kids complaining about his temper.

 

We're headed for what looks like a pretty ugly divorce, and he keeps threatening me.

 

I'm dealing with a man right now who threatened to put termites under our last landlords house to get us out of a lease.

 

His opinions, plans and threats are so fluid it makes things much more difficult because he is unpredictable.

 

I have dealt with liability issues again and again, and due to his utter disregard for the law (especially as it pertains to our business) it's a fight I've been stuck in.

 

These ARE YOUR WORDS. This guy is dangerous to you and the kids. He has almost zero chance of "taking your kids", but it sounds like he is such a narcissist that he won't let anyone have them...or you. You are in the worst kind of danger...IMHO, he wouldn't think twice to do away with you and your kids. Nothing is more dangerous than a man who feels justified in what he is going to do. You need to get away from him asap.

[NHappy]

 

Why would you want to be friends with someone who is violent and thinks nothing of beating a pregnant woman up, anyway?

 

One reason...we have two sons together.

[NHappy]

Are you sure about this?

 

I have a much bigger situation than this, though- his brother is a very avid member of the Church of Scientology and while I don't know what to expect when it comes to that sort of thing and he hates them, I could see him turning and it makes me uncomfortable considering the rumors of their lack of ethics.

 

I'm not currently in danger. He hasn't laid a finger on me for a couple of years, and I honestly don't think he ever will again. But, I'm in a situation where I don't want him raising our children even part of the time because of this (he is ONLY rough with them when I'm not around, and has no sense of caution when it comes to risks.)

 

He's definitely not a narcissist. I'd probably fit more into this category- you should see my vanity. But, honestly, it's been to compensate due to low self esteem caused by these circumstances. And, really, I don't want to judge him based on these types of categories, because he honestly is a good person a lot of the time, and he's also been through a lot. But, it's at a point where I need out, even if it means I'll be an old spinster for the rest of my life. And, the environment is not the best for our children when we have this history.

 

My husband has been very angry throughout this, and I told him I anonymously posted on a forum. He threatened libel, and when I told him what I posted he retracted (all true, and I don't think he'll deny the situation if ever under oath) and threatened a defamation suit. He's not famous, but am I risking legal issues if I post this anonymously? I have nobody else to reach out to at this point...

[standtall]

Nhappy...Sorry to hear about all of this. You really sound scared, bullied, and are putting yourself down....a symptom of low self esteem. At a minimum, get an attorney. As far as libel and defamation, not a chance, posting to an anonymous forum doesn't affect anyone financially...which he would have to prove, that your posting here costs him business. That is next to impossible under ideal conditions.

 

He is bullying you into inaction....is there a close relative that can help?

[Mr. Lucky]

One reason...we have two sons together.

 

Co-parenting after a divorce has nothing to do with being friends. You don't need to hang out together, exchange chitchat or like each other's FB posts.

 

Don't confuse the two, they're very different things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mittens]

One reason...we have two sons together.

 

Yeah, I actually had a bet with my FI that you'd come out with that cliched crap.

 

Like Mr Lucky has said, your relationship with your sons should be totally separate from your marriage. For both you and your stbxh.

[NHappy]

I really appreciate all your advice. Right now, it's the only raw advice I have that isn't tinged with bells and whistles or I based on situations I've brushed under the rug.

 

I'm not concerned about libel, mainly because everything I'm saying is true and he doesn't deny it. He just attests that it is something that doesn't happen anymore. But for me, it did in the past, with the most recent time being a couple of years ago. And as far as romance, that is probably the main factor lowering my self esteem- I have to plan EVERYTHING, make all of the decisions and he has no sense of caution.

 

I don't have ANY family that would really be there. Only his family lives here, and they are very clique-like. I emancipated myself to get away from a bad family situation as a teenager, and my Mom actually would be there but her self esteem is so low due to her own boyfriend (she pulls ALL the weight with work, etc) that she considers my husband a God by comparison (her boyfriends after my father were abusive, thieves, and drug addicts after my very high achieving father and her divorced.)

 

It's more than just not having people, though. I've had a really difficult life, but I've always been used to being on my own, since a very young age. Things like lawsuits are a piece of cake, but this is someone who has been my best friend through many moves and throughout the past several years. At heart, I think he is a good person but has an awful temper. So, the most difficult part for me would be leaving the one person who has been there regardless of how, through so many years. I honestly cannot do this on my own, and I lost touch with many friends since I have made a couple of moves.

 

What happens to a person's psychology when her best friend has beaten her, forgotten birthdays, and can't plan an outing? It's this weird mix of emotions that have eventually led me to utter numbness. I've been in long relationships before, but can't explain this horrible, twisted mixture of emotions in words. It's made me very shallow, and sort of withdrawn. I can't handle stress the same way I used to. Honestly, and I'm not sure if anyone can identify with this, but all I want to do is cry, and I can't because I'm so used to it. I'm so numb, it's a joke now, and it's what life has become.

 

And, I could never do the support group thing. I'm lean and pragmatic, so that would be very emotional and confusing to me, and those emotions have already gone. I'm completely numb when it comes to this now, and can't see a reason to dwell. I just don't know how to initiate moving on at this point.

 

Has anyone else felt just completely numb after dealing with so much, that all you desire is to be able to feel emotions again- ANY emotions, good or bad?

[Mr. Lucky]

What happens to a person's psychology when her best friend has beaten her, forgotten birthdays, and can't plan an outing?

 

Wouldn't you say your psychology has already been affected if you'd consider such a person your best friend - or a suitable spouse?

 

Toxic people breed negative, dysfunctional situations. It's on you if you continue to put yourself in the middle of it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NHappy]

Wouldn't you say your psychology has already been affected if you'd consider such a person your best friend - or a suitable spouse?

 

Toxic people breed negative, dysfunctional situations. It's on you if you continue to put yourself in the middle of it...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You're right. I don't know what steps to take, though. He keeps threatening me to 'call the police' because they will "never believe me". And, he is probably more likeable than I. He has that baby face and acts completely innocent and naive one second with his temper flaring the next. I can't leave him, mainly because there could be a chance of custody sharing when he is violent especially when I am not around. He hacked my account and found this forum and post last night, and is completely convinced he is above the law.

 

You're right, I'm the idiot in this situation. But, I'm also an idiot with no real alternative solution.

[mrs rubble]

You're right. I don't know what steps to take, though. He keeps threatening me to 'call the police' because they will "never believe me". And, he is probably more likeable than I. He has that baby face and acts completely innocent and naive one second with his temper flaring the next. I can't leave him, mainly because there could be a chance of custody sharing when he is violent especially when I am not around. He hacked my account and found this forum and post last night, and is completely convinced he is above the law.

 

You're right, I'm the idiot in this situation. But, I'm also an idiot with no real alternative solution.

 

My ex and youngest son's dad was just like this, he threatened me with all sorts of horrible stuff before we split up. It was very scary!

I however came to a lightbulb moment one day and realized that if he were to do anything to physically harm our children (we had one each and one together.) while I was still with him, then I would be just as guilty as him for not protecting these kids and removing them from the situation, so I decided then to leave.

During my planning an exit, he assaulted my eldest son, strangled him and pinned him to a wall (he was 12yo), my son was so upset, he told me he felt like calling the police. I told him to go ahead, the police came, he was arrested and taken away.

My ex was so bitter and angry, the seperation was awful, he was very good at manipulating people and convinced the lawyer for child that he'd been set-up with the assualt on my other son and that he should have plenty of unsupervised time with our son.----very long story about what followed, but after a few very difficult years, our son decided for himself that he was going to live with me fulltime and he doesn't often see his dad at all now days. He often says to me "I hope I never turn out like dad".

He won't though as he's already been to lots of counselling and anger managment training and has learned to manage his stress and anger waaayy more effectivvely than his dad ever will.

So unless you're looking to raise a pair of boys who will be just like their father, you need to remove them from the situation and teach them that this is not the way healthy happy people live. At present you are teaching them that it's ok to bully people and that people should tolerate bullies and put up with abuse. Please don't raise more abusive men!!!

Not sure how old your kids are, but sooner you get out the better.

[NHappy]

My ex and youngest son's dad was just like this, he threatened me with all sorts of horrible stuff before we split up. It was very scary!

I however came to a lightbulb moment one day and realized that if he were to do anything to physically harm our children (we had one each and one together.) while I was still with him, then I would be just as guilty as him for not protecting these kids and removing them from the situation, so I decided then to leave.

During my planning an exit, he assaulted my eldest son, strangled him and pinned him to a wall (he was 12yo), my son was so upset, he told me he felt like calling the police. I told him to go ahead, the police came, he was arrested and taken away.

My ex was so bitter and angry, the seperation was awful, he was very good at manipulating people and convinced the lawyer for child that he'd been set-up with the assualt on my other son and that he should have plenty of unsupervised time with our son.----very long story about what followed, but after a few very difficult years, our son decided for himself that he was going to live with me fulltime and he doesn't often see his dad at all now days. He often says to me "I hope I never turn out like dad".

He won't though as he's already been to lots of counselling and anger managment training and has learned to manage his stress and anger waaayy more effectivvely than his dad ever will.

So unless you're looking to raise a pair of boys who will be just like their father, you need to remove them from the situation and teach them that this is not the way healthy happy people live. At present you are teaching them that it's ok to bully people and that people should tolerate bullies and put up with abuse. Please don't raise more abusive men!!!

Not sure how old your kids are, but sooner you get out the better.

 

It sounds so much more easy than it actually is. This is a HUGE process, and one I'm completely dreading to the point where I almost want to forgo the divorce altogether.

 

I could see my husband treating our son similar to what you referenced, but he hasn't bee that cruel. He just sort of gets mad and yells the way someone would at a dog, which is honestly unacceptable in my opinion.

 

I'm in a new area with only his family here, so regardless of what I wanted to do I couldn't do much. I'm going to continue to try getting out, but I really feel there is a strong chance I'm even more stuck than I realize.

[NHappy]

My ex and youngest son's dad was just like this, he threatened me with all sorts of horrible stuff before we split up. It was very scary!

I however came to a lightbulb moment one day and realized that if he were to do anything to physically harm our children (we had one each and one together.) while I was still with him, then I would be just as guilty as him for not protecting these kids and removing them from the situation, so I decided then to leave.

During my planning an exit, he assaulted my eldest son, strangled him and pinned him to a wall (he was 12yo), my son was so upset, he told me he felt like calling the police. I told him to go ahead, the police came, he was arrested and taken away.

My ex was so bitter and angry, the seperation was awful, he was very good at manipulating people and convinced the lawyer for child that he'd been set-up with the assualt on my other son and that he should have plenty of unsupervised time with our son.----very long story about what followed, but after a few very difficult years, our son decided for himself that he was going to live with me fulltime and he doesn't often see his dad at all now days. He often says to me "I hope I never turn out like dad".

He won't though as he's already been to lots of counselling and anger managment training and has learned to manage his stress and anger waaayy more effectivvely than his dad ever will.

So unless you're looking to raise a pair of boys who will be just like their father, you need to remove them from the situation and teach them that this is not the way healthy happy people live. At present you are teaching them that it's ok to bully people and that people should tolerate bullies and put up with abuse. Please don't raise more abusive men!!!

Not sure how old your kids are, but sooner you get out the better.

 

Kid's are 9 and 3, and will most likely not turn out to be abusive. They treat me like a Queen, and I think you can get a good analysis of how someone would treat their girlfriend based on how they treat their mother. They call me a diamond, and pick me flowers all the time. My husband loves his Mother, but would never go out of his way to be there for her, especially if medical bills were a factor.

 

That said, the situation that happened to your son at twelve scares me. My oldest son and my husband have clashed often, and I worry about this sort of thing happening. It's probably the main reason I haven't divorced. His temper is not as controllable as some people, and he treats my youngest (more sporty and similar to him) differently, probably due to less understanding. But, a good guy at heart so I'm torn on this.

Edited August 28, 2016 by NHappy