About to hit an ugly divorce... [update: still together, but separated, he raped me]

[Grathblagg]

As a part of my profession, I have experience with abusive spouses. If you do not leave now, by going to a women's shelter or somewhere else, you are exposing yourself and your children to increasing levels of violence, and you will be partially accountable for the psychological impact of that violence on their lives.

 

Your man is violent and cannot subdue his passions. You are the target now, but your children are on the waiting list. You may not have the fortitude to get the hell out of there for your own well-being, but you better get yourself squared away for your children.

 

Yes, your husband is at fault for his abusive behavior, but your children rely on you to protect them. If things continue on the path that you are taking, at best, they will look at you later in life as one who refused to protect them.

 

Abusive men may focus their initial abuse on their spouses, but it is a rare circumstance indeed where they maintain that focus. It tends to expand to include their children as well, if not early on, most certainly after puberty.

 

Listen to the advice you're getting here. Get your children out of that situation. You are putting yourself at the mercy of a man who will eventually victimize them as badly as he does you. It's time to stop fooling yourself and deal with what's important.

 

FYI: This is my first post here, because out of all the time lurking, I never felt that it was so incredibly important to stick my nose into a situation. I have personally seen the horrible things that abusive men and women have done to their spouses and children. In the vast majority of cases the horror was totally avoidable.

Edited January 13, 2017 by Grathblagg

[NHappy]

I appreciate the advice, but I do feel he is a good guy and Dad when he does not have the temper issues. I'm not worried about my safety, and he has apologized. He's had temper problems since he was younger, and got into a lot of fights in school but he also lost his Dad at a young age. I guess I'm most worried about when my older son gets older, because they clash and he doesn't clash with him when I'm in the same room (I hear it, and have to come running). Nothing serious, but very different ideas of how physical a parent should get, and my eldest is very, very sensitive. The thing that strikes the biggest cord is the part about him holding it against me when he gets older, or his safety (my youngest and he get along fine, and for some reason he treats him differently). I would never forgive myself, especially since one of my Mom's boyfriends was physically abusive to me and we have a horrible relationship because of it (and many other things).

 

I'm worried about what he would do if I left him. I could see it becoming a war his brother is a member of an organization with a reputation for bullying people they don't agree with or who oppose their members, and while I would form a HUGE class action suit with everyone they have harassed if it EVER came to that, I don't want to deal with the drama if I can help it.)

 

I now have a heart condition due to our arguing (I was literally throwing up on the toilet due to palpitations begging him to stop and he kept yelling at me.) and can't tolerate a divorce war. I can't even drive any more because of it (minor heart attack while driving over a yr ago). I'm not even 33. He is the most innocent seeming person when you haven't seen his temper- it just comes at once, but possibly one of the most effectively dishonest people I have met which is frustrating. Not pathologically, but he always agrees with me about one thing and does another, especially when it comes to things like the kids. There is no way I would ever risk losing my kids or even be able to handle a divorce war after the stress this has taken (also with the business, mostly on my shoulders because he is way to laid back to the point of recklessness.) I used to be really strong and have become incredibly weak through this. The rape happened months ago and physical abuse years, it's not current and I don't fear for my life.

 

I think he would be willing to go to anger management therapy, he has mentioned he would be in the past. There have to be some success stories about people who have gone through this and recovered their relationship, right? And while I have been gradually falling out of love with him after the built up fighting, I do love him. Possibly unconditionally. He's family now, we've been through everything together. My kids love him too. It's just a temper, and I sometimes I would really like to try and make it work. But I am more indecisive about this than I have ever been about anything, because the kids come first. It's when I look at the financial toll and the help we would need, not to mention the drama that could ensue that I really back off from the idea of separating. And, there is sort of a mourning in even thinking about it. I just want to cry, because we had so many dreams together.

[whichwayisup]

How is he a good guy when he HIT your during your first pregnancy? He has raped you and god knows whatever else he's done to you throughout your marriage.

 

He's abusive and sad to say, has you manipulated/guilted/brainwashed into believing you can't do it on your own.

 

Your kids will THRIVE without him there. The bad energy and stress, what they see (unhealthy marriage/relationship) is not good for them. they'd be better off in two households, that is IF he gets shared custody and not visitation.

 

You'll be happier without him there. He is your safety net, not the love of your life. He's not husband material and honestly, doesn't seem like father material either. He's a fake and has everybody fooled.

 

Your health will continue to suffer if you don't end it and get away from him. Your kids hear and see everything that goes on. Keep that in mind, they aren't stupid.

 

I wish you strength and get support from friends, family and a therapist who specializes in abuse. You have to get away from him.

[Jersey born raised]

STOPPED IT RIGHT NOW with the what ifs ! Did you read my post? How does that not make your blood boil with anger towards me?

 

You asked why so few responses the answer. "what ifs". How about a thread

"concrete step by step plan to divorce a wife beating, rapist, underemployed lay about - i need a check list"

[NHappy]

I really appreciate the honest advice. He didn't hit me during my pregnancy, he picked me up by my neck and slammed me down on my spine. I once slapped him years later when he said something to me so im not innocent either, but he slammed me into a wall. I was 4 months pregnant the first time. Not only does he not feel guilt, he blames me for reminding him of it. I'm dealing with someone who threatened to plant termites under a home we were leasing bc we couldn't get out of it several years ago. That's psychopathic Imo. Someone who has a large Muslim family in this area on one side that has exhibited racism towards Caucasians, using terminology like 'redneck', etc , scientologists on the other (they're actually really nice, but it's the hype that freaks me out) he threatens me if I try to do anything, and I don't drive anymore due to the stress from this causing a heart condition. I'm more than stuck, and I've on acreage away from any uber, etc. I need a strategy, but I think you guys are right about moving on. Tried to have sex last night with him and couldn't do it. When he raped me, I couldn't breathe and panicked, so I think I'm associating the two. Jersey.. I am boiling with rage. But I can't do anything about it. My family hasn't been there for me except family in Asia...

[Jersey born raised]

Wow a pot smoking, alcohol drinking guy with a large family divided between scientolgists and Muslims. The contradictions astound.

 

You need to contact a shelter. You wrote doing so would destroy your self-esteem. Call, talk with them, discuss how YOU can help yourself. There is a saying from the sixties: give a person a fish you have fed them for a day, teach a person how to fish you will have feed them for a lifetime.

 

This is the goal of shelters: teach woman how to fish.

[dreamingoftigers]

I really appreciate the honest advice. He didn't hit me during my pregnancy, he picked me up by my neck and slammed me down on my spine. I once slapped him years later when he said something to me so im not innocent either, but he slammed me into a wall. I was 4 months pregnant the first time. Not only does he not feel guilt, he blames me for reminding him of it. I'm dealing with someone who threatened to plant termites under a home we were leasing bc we couldn't get out of it several years ago. That's psychopathic Imo. Someone who has a large Muslim family in this area on one side that has exhibited racism towards Caucasians, using terminology like 'redneck', etc , scientologists on the other (they're actually really nice, but it's the hype that freaks me out) he threatens me if I try to do anything, and I don't drive anymore due to the stress from this causing a heart condition. I'm more than stuck, and I've on acreage away from any uber, etc. I need a strategy, but I think you guys are right about moving on. Tried to have sex last night with him and couldn't do it. When he raped me, I couldn't breathe and panicked, so I think I'm associating the two. Jersey.. I am boiling with rage. But I can't do anything about it. My family hasn't been there for me except family in Asia...

 

Seriously. One phone call to the police and showing them this thread would get him OUT of the house.

 

I don't like to tell you this, but your kids will hate you for keeping them in this situation.

 

And they will hate it even more if they grow up to be men with extremely poor sexual boundaries like their father because it is very likely they will end up in jail themselves.

 

Even the accusation alone is enough to stop visitation, much less custody in many areas.

 

For the trauma you've suffered I suggest EMDR.

 

I know how messed it is in your mind to have your best friend be your abuser. It simply overloads you.

 

You might have been different than the other women in the groups and shelters at one point. I thought I was too. Until the abuse conditioned you into one.

 

You'd be surprised how many of your reactions are simply a result of the abuse, which is also addictive and scary to let go of.

 

I know I'm a stranger on the internet but I can only tell you that he DOES NOT IN ANY WAY hold the power that you think he does. He thinks he does. You think he does. But he doesn't. His power is only made up of the constructs he's conditioned you to believe. Yes, he is companionship, driving and probably some relief. But THE PRICE IS TOO DAMN HIGH. It is costing you parts of yourself that should never be sacrificed or sold.

 

I am hoping very very soon that you find the Great Wall you have built in your mind about his power becomes apparent for the cardboard that it is. Even the Great Wall itself did not protect Chona from the Mongol invasion force. They went around it.

 

You have a nine year-old and a three year-old. People from many agencies and walks of life rush in to help in these situations. They aren't shy about it either. And they know abusers are charming, sweet, "caring" men. They know. They know the pastor can go home and beat the snot out of his wife and slap his kids. They know. They know that Pillar of the Community who is always helping others can be a monster.

 

Real-life monsters don't tend to have claws. They tend to be well-maintained people that act like they love other's so very deeply, while stabbing them in the back and obliterating parts of their life.

 

I believe you. Even if I met him on the street tomorrow and he seemed like "Honest John." I believe you because you sound genuine and I know how these guys play.

[Jersey born raised]

Here are two links to national organizations that may be of help. Please, at least ask.

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support. This site will cause a pop up with a phone number if you think someone is spying on you.

 

https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/violence-help-hotlines.html

[standtall]

OP...people have repeatedly given advice about protecting yourself from his repeated sexual assaults, acts of violence and threats, yet you continue to think he is a good guy....here is some news...he is not. You need to leave immediately...you are only safe if he thinks he controls you. IF FEELS LIKE HE IS LOSING CONTROL, THEN THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE THAT HE WILL HARM YOU OR OUR CHILD. Thats it..there is no more.

[whichwayisup]

I really appreciate the honest advice. He didn't hit me during my pregnancy, he picked me up by my neck and slammed me down on my spine

 

Just as bad, if not worse!

 

He's an awful human being. Please, get out now.

[NHappy]

Seriously. One phone call to the police and showing them this thread would get him OUT of the house.

 

I don't like to tell you this, but your kids will hate you for keeping them in this situation.

 

And they will hate it even more if they grow up to be men with extremely poor sexual boundaries like their father because it is very likely they will end up in jail themselves.

 

Even the accusation alone is enough to stop visitation, much less custody in many areas.

 

For the trauma you've suffered I suggest EMDR.

 

I know how messed it is in your mind to have your best friend be your abuser. It simply overloads you.

 

You might have been different than the other women in the groups and shelters at one point. I thought I was too. Until the abuse conditioned you into one.

 

You'd be surprised how many of your reactions are simply a result of the abuse, which is also addictive and scary to let go of.

 

I know I'm a stranger on the internet but I can only tell you that he DOES NOT IN ANY WAY hold the power that you think he does. He thinks he does. You think he does. But he doesn't. His power is only made up of the constructs he's conditioned you to believe. Yes, he is companionship, driving and probably some relief. But THE PRICE IS TOO DAMN HIGH. It is costing you parts of yourself that should never be sacrificed or sold.

 

I am hoping very very soon that you find the Great Wall you have built in your mind about his power becomes apparent for the cardboard that it is. Even the Great Wall itself did not protect Chona from the Mongol invasion force. They went around it.

 

You have a nine year-old and a three year-old. People from many agencies and walks of life rush in to help in these situations. They aren't shy about it either. And they know abusers are charming, sweet, "caring" men. They know. They know the pastor can go home and beat the snot out of his wife and slap his kids. They know. They know that Pillar of the Community who is always helping others can be a monster.

 

Real-life monsters don't tend to have claws. They tend to be well-maintained people that act like they love other's so very deeply, while stabbing them in the back and obliterating parts of their life.

 

I believe you. Even if I met him on the street tomorrow and he seemed like "Honest John." I believe you because you sound genuine and I know how these guys play.

 

He honestly is a decent guy, but you are right about tolerating the behavior. It's kind of made me bitter towards him, when all I want to do is be with a partner who makes me want to do things for them. So it's turned into a toxic situation all around for a long time now. I have been through a lot in my life, so I guess comparably I don't consider this that bad. But when I think about this practically... if he were arrested it would be my kids this would affect. That would be their parent...the person who has half their genes. I think it would make them hate themselves.

 

The best friend and worst abuser combination is more than overloading. It messes with the emotions, hugely. I could never go to any sort of center for abuse, I have way too many responsibilities. I even contacted an abuse hotline and they said (after I went more into detail about my situation...initially they said to go to s women's shelter) to contact a layer. But we have a business together. This is much, much more complex than you think.

 

My children are cognitively advanced and extremely benevolent. They have very high rates of empathy- prison is not something I see them going to. More worried about my husband not having boundaries in the abuse when they become older. The younger child has his personality a little more, and they understand each other a little more- playing sports, rough-housing, etc. but older son cannot tolerate it and cries. There is an element where he works with them and is an extremely good father, and person as well. But I feel really controlled, and disrespected. He's also forgotten birthdays and I've never really had a proper wedding (proposal was more like a business deal). I've never truly felt married, and it's been ten years. He's never taken initiation on his own with anything, unless I ask him to. If I didn't have my children, I don't know what Id' do. They pick me flowers weekly, but it makes me sad to realize they are probably trying to compensate for our relationship.

[NHappy]

Here are two links to national organizations that may be of help. Please, at least ask.

 

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support. This site will cause a pop up with a phone number if you think someone is spying on you.

 

https://www.womenshealth.gov/violence-against-women/get-help-for-violence/violence-help-hotlines.html

 

Jersey... thank you. He's probably reading this right now (if you are...FU!

He's read my diary and has hacked these previous posts. I have no privacy. As for him being a bad human being, he's not. He's been a good father, etc to the kids and I've seen that he's genuine. But he snaps really easily, and is not at ALL predictable. My situation is really difficult, and I'm worried this will turn psychopathic if it escalates. I've seen him when he snaps, and it's terrifying.

[NHappy]

OP...people have repeatedly given advice about protecting yourself from his repeated sexual assaults, acts of violence and threats, yet you continue to think he is a good guy....here is some news...he is not. You need to leave immediately...you are only safe if he thinks he controls you. IF FEELS LIKE HE IS LOSING CONTROL, THEN THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE THAT HE WILL HARM YOU OR OUR CHILD. Thats it..there is no more.

 

I've asked him to warn me, but he never does. Especially when it comes to the kids. He doesn't seem to think he is doing anything wrong until the next day, and his memory gets skewed. I can't leave, this home is under my name as is our car and I have kids. Would never leave them.

[Downtown]

He snaps really easily, and is not at ALL predictable.... I'm worried this will turn psychopathic if it escalates. I've seen him when he snaps, and it's terrifying.

NHappy, are your H's "snaps" -- i.e., his temper tantrums -- triggered nearly always by you or another loved one? Or, are the snaps often provoked, instead, by total strangers? For example, have you seen incidents, such as road rage, where he becomes irate with a complete stranger over a minor mishap? I ask because, if his tantrums are often triggered by strangers and casual friends, you may be dealing with Intermittent Explosive Disorder (IED). It is a behavioral disorder that is a medical condition in the same way that depression or panic disorder is.

 

I'm more concerned about the psychological aspect....There were a lot of warning signs I should have looked at.

Although IED is a possibility, you seem to be describing rages that are triggered only by you and, to a lesser extent, by your oldest son or another close family member. If so, you are describing warning signs for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling actions, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question.

 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been living together for ten years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and event-triggered mood flips.

 

He does definitely love me.

For this reason, I agree with you that "he's definitely not a narcissist." Narcissists are unable to love. In contrast, BPDers (i.e., those with strong and persistent BPD traits) are able to love intensely, albeit in the immature way that a young child is able to love.

 

He is the most innocent seeming person when you haven't seen his temper- it just comes at once.

The vast majority of BPDers are high functioning -- i.e., they generally get along fine with business associates, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. The reason is that none of those people pose a threat to a BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned. And there is no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. This is why a BPDer can be caring and generous all day long to complete strangers and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love him.

 

At heart, I think he is a good person but has an awful temper.

If he really is a BPDer, his being "a good person" is to be expected. A BPDer's problem is not being "a bad person" but, rather, being emotionally unstable. This instability arises from a BPDer's inability to regulate his own emotions.

 

The result is that most BPDers exhibit a spontaneity and warmth of expression that otherwise is seen only in young children. This makes them very easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Princess Diana and Marilyn Monroe -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

If I bring up the times he beat me, he tells me "he's being attacked. He's being threatened."

If he is a BPDer, he very likely believes that nonsense. Because a BPDer has an unstable fragile ego, he has a very weak sense of who he truly is. He therefore keeps a death grip on the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." In order to "validate" that false self image, a BPDer's subconscious works 24/7 protecting his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes that by projecting his hurtful thoughts and feelings onto you. Because that projection occurs entirely subconsciously, a BPDer believes -- at a conscious level -- that those bad thoughts and feelings originated with you.

 

In contrast, a man suffering from IED typically realizes the truth the next day when he has a chance to calm down -- and thus generally will apologize for his outburst and accept responsibility. BPDers, however, usually remain firmly convinced that you were to blame. Moreover, all the reasoning in the world is unlikely to change that distorted view.

 

His opinions, plans and threats are so fluid it makes things much more difficult because he is unpredictable.

If he is a BPDer, this unpredictability is to be expected. With unstable people, you never know what comment or harmless action will trigger the rage. Because that rage originates in early childhood, you don't have to do a thing to CAUSE the anger.

 

Instead, you only have to say or do some trivial thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer's anger can be triggered in ten seconds. And this is why a BPDer may burst into a rage when you tell a joke he had laughed at the first 7 times he heard you tell it.

 

What happens to a person's psychology when her best friend has beaten her, forgotten birthdays, and can't plan an outing?

If you really have been living with a BPDer for 10 years, what often happens is that you start feeling like you may be going insane. Because BPDers usually are convinced that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true -- they generally have a greater "crazy-making" effect than can ever be achieved by narcissists or sociopaths.

 

This is why that, of the 157 mental disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual, BPD is the one most notorious for making the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. And this is largely why therapists typically see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going insane -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

Nothing will make you feel crazier sooner than being repeatedly abused by a partner whom you know, to a certainty, must really love you. The reason is that you will be mistakenly convinced that, if only you can figure out what YOU are doing wrong, you can restore your partner to that wonderful human being you saw at the very beginning.

 

He's had temper problems since he was younger, and got into a lot of fights in school.

If your H exhibits strong traits of BPD or IED, those traits would have started showing strongly in his early teens. Although BPD is believed to be fully entrenched by age five, the traits typically don't start showing strongly until the early teens.

 

We're headed for what looks like a pretty ugly divorce, and he keeps threatening me.

Most divorces are pretty ugly. Hence, experiencing frequent arguments during the last year of your marriage is not a warning sign for BPD. Rather, it is the earlier abuse you experienced that is a warning sign. Yet, if your H really is a BPDer, you can expect your divorce likely will be much more contentious and nasty than is typical for most divorces. This is why, for BPDer divorces, I recommend that the abused spouse read the book, Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.

 

Does anyone have any additional advice?

I suggest you see a psychologist (not a MC) -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and your two sons are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you take a look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join JersyBorn and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid staying in a toxic relationship. And it may help you decide whether the situation warrants professional advice from a psychologist. Take care, NHappy.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can't leave, this home is under my name as is our car and I have kids. Would never leave them.

 

The home and car are things. Things can always be replaced,

 

Of course your kids would go with you. Involving the police would facilitate this process.

 

NHappy, if you'd started a thread titled "House on fire, what should I do", suggestions would range from "call the Fire Department" to "get a hose".

 

No one would suggest you sit on the couch and hope the burns aren't fatal.

 

Understand?

 

Mr. Lucky

[NHappy]

I'm veering towards the IED not BPD on this one. His love is childlike, and he's incredibly unpredictable, but I could never associate him with a woman like Princess Diana- he's a sporty guy. I feel guilty trying to assess him like this to be honest, like glorified name calling or applying a disease like scenario to someone who is fully capable of his own actions. Appreciate the advice, but I'm wallowing in self pity and to be quite honest I don't care- there is no excuse for what he did. He still lies to me on a daily basis. I feel like I'm with a synthetic human.

 

If I leave assets rented or owned to someone else when they are in my name, I am fully responsible. That would be a very stupid thing for me to do. I don't drive, which makes seeing a psychologist difficult. He uses the driving thing to control me big time- now sometimes even with food. I just received a monthly electric bill of over a thousand dollars, which makes divorce more difficult. We live in the most expensive part of the country. My Mom, who brushes everything under the rug and has had boyfriends much worse (some abusive to me) just defends him, when his family stands by his side. I'm lonely when I'm with him, but even more alone without him. And after many years of forgotten birthdays and anniversaries, my self esteem is lower than you could imagine.

 

I do appreciate the advice, but does divorce have to be like this? Horror stories and depression? I haven't gone a day without crying in over a year and can't take this any longer. I feel like I'm going to die of central nervous system depression if I stay with him. I cry in the shower, cry myself to sleep, and I'm not in a position to leave him, so it's not an option right now. I need strength first, which is difficult when the same person who I need strength to leave is the one controlling me. Is there any sort of site or anything that focuses on life after divorce? Do people actually date after divorce? Because to me dating or ever being in a relationship again seems like the most horrific thing ever, but I don't want to be alone.

[clefairy]

Hi there! First off, I just want to say.... I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone, okay? There are so many people out there who are willing to help you. You just need to make that phone call. Right now. To the police.

 

Second of all, with abuse like this (especially such scary physical abuse) comes extreme manipulation. Over the course of years, he has convinced you he is a good guy, and you believe him because you love him. He is not a good guy. A good guy would never EVER put his hands on a woman (especially his wife). A good man would not guilt trip you, force you to have sex, etc. This man does not love you, he loves himself.

 

You need to leave now and you need to take your children with you. You are in danger, and you do not see it because of his constant manipulation, but we are all telling you WE see it. Please, please get out.

[NHappy]

Hi there! First off, I just want to say.... I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone, okay? There are so many people out there who are willing to help you. You just need to make that phone call. Right now. To the police.

 

Second of all, with abuse like this (especially such scary physical abuse) comes extreme manipulation. Over the course of years, he has convinced you he is a good guy, and you believe him because you love him. He is not a good guy. A good guy would never EVER put his hands on a woman (especially his wife). A good man would not guilt trip you, force you to have sex, etc. This man does not love you, he loves himself.

 

You need to leave now and you need to take your children with you. You are in danger, and you do not see it because of his constant manipulation, but we are all telling you WE see it. Please, please get out.

 

You have NO idea the degree of manipulation. He invited my Mom (who I don't have a good relationship with, have not since puberty) and other family members (who I care deeply about) over for a surprise out of state visit- the first time I saw them in years. He pulls out an album he had printed to showcase our relationship, one that he had not showed me and then later starts crying to my Mom. As soon as she isn't in the room he starts treating me like crap again.

 

My heart physically can't handle this stress anymore, and I don't have the family to help. My Mom sides with him, even though she knows he has beaten and raped me. She has dealt with boyfriends much worse, so to her it's amazing I found a man who even cried.

 

You don't understand- I have young children and don't drive. My husband keeps threatening me if I pursue divorce "You don't know what you are getting into" and "just wait..."

 

And I'm dealing with someone who is dishonest, so it's much worse. We've become horrible to each other, but uprooting my kids would be more difficult. And I run a business, that he was a partner of. He is now leaving the company, but says if I sell he will sue for half the shares even if he isn't working at all. And if you ever met him, you would say he seems like the 'nicest guy'.

 

It would be traumatic if I moved the kids out right now, and I can't afford to if our incomes our split. They are situated and have their schooling and

everything, and the youngest especially has a good relationship with his Dad. I need to figure this out but not being able to drive and having the heart condition now at such a young age has destroyed my entire life, and my kids- and he keeps holding it against me and using it as a control tactic.

 

Really appreciate the advice and the kind thoughts, but this is probably going to not be an instant process.

[clefairy]

I know it's definitely not going to be an instant process. But you have to start somewhere, you know? You are clearly extremely unhappy. I grew up in a childhood with a father who was an addict and a mother who did everything in her power to keep our "family" together. I saw so many things in their relationship (fighting/screaming/violence/etc) that it STILL affects me, to this day, at 25-years-old. I wished that she would leave him everyday. I knew my mom wasn't happy. It's extremely hard for a child to see that their mom isn't happy.

 

It even affected me in my adult relationships. In July, I left my abusive husband after he destroyed our bedroom door. I hadn't realized that my idea of a "healthy relationship" was completely different than most people because of what I grew up seeing. I know that I don't understand fully because (luckily) we did not have children together. But manipulation is so powerful and it has left a lot of emotional scars.

 

I'm not saying that your children will see anything like this, but this sort of abuse ALWAYS escalates and gets worse. It does not get better. You need to start this process asap. Start making a list. Find organizations willing to take you in. Find communities (like churches, etc) that would be willing to help you and even drive you around. Help is out there!

[stillafool]

When is the divorce?

[Lilyana76]

I just don't understand someone that can call their husband a good man if hes beating you, raping you, cheating on you....

 

WAKE UP!

 

Is he going to have to hurt the child before you wake up? Or will you keep your blinders on even then and say hes a good guy?

 

Talk to a womans shelter... ANYTHING is better than keeping you and your child in that household with him a second longer.

[NHappy]

CLE- I'm not religious and have WAY too much pride to ever ask for help/driving or join that type of thing. I'd rather just work hard and hire people. I've never been the type to ask for help- I don't like to burden people and had to take care of myself (and younger sisters) from a young age, sort of forced to be independent. I could never go back to relying on people in the way a child does- and I emancipated myself as a teen due to a situation with my Mom's bf that was very similar to how you describe your childhood among other things. The physical abuse has not gotten worse, but much better- probably mainly because I bring it up and he doesn't want to deal with my complaining. There is no going back, it's just a process now and uprooting my kids in an instantaneous manner is not an option for any of us.

 

Stilla- LOL your name defines me right now. I am procrastinating this as much as possible. The cost, the impact on the kids, the fact that it is so hard to find positive stories of divorce (I dread this!) and then the fact that it feels like I am mourning someone I have lost. I haven't slept without him for more than a night (once, when he went out of town) in ten years. This is SO touch. I just feel like crying and avoiding the actual process. And I've always considered myself a little more logical when it comes to these situations, but now I am all emotion and he is gaining confidence off of my pain, and it's really affecting our interactions. Whenever someone beams me up to divorce court right now. Really though, this will be a long process and he'll probably live on the land for a while for the kids to adjust and there are storms and that sort of thing (I'm not the 'survivor' type, so when the power goes out, or if I needed to fix anything...ehhhh)

 

Lilyana- NO cheating. That's not an issue. That would be huge if it were because of what he did a few months ago and the potential for disease, etc. That was his reason for raping me- we have been going through a separation and I went a month without letting him. Everything else happened over the course of years, so it isn't like a daily thing or anything. I did talk to the domestic abuse line, and after explaining my situation they retracted their women's shelter suggestion and suggested a lawyer. I'll get there, but we are trying to explore less expensive and difficult options first.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'd rather just work hard and hire people. I've never been the type to ask for help- I don't like to burden people and had to take care of myself (and younger sisters) from a young age, sort of forced to be independent. I could never go back to relying on people in the way a child does- and I emancipated myself as a teen due to a situation

 

Don't see much of the capable, independent person you describe here in the rest of your posts. Where's the strength that allowed you to haul yourself out of this earlier situation?

 

Mr. Lucky

[NHappy]

Don't see much of the capable, independent person you describe here in the rest of your posts. Where's the strength that allowed you to haul yourself out of this earlier situation?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I greatly appreciate the optimism, especially when I'm going through this. /sarcasm. You're right, I'm not nearly as independent as I used to be, which makes this much harder. And, honestly, I'm emotionally falling apart. I feel really stuck, like I'm hostage or something which is crazy. I witnessed my parents divorce at a young age, and they just ended up constantly suing each other. It was really difficult on my family that they did not get along after everything happened. This is going to be a long and drawn out process, but it's honestly my only option. And I need some optimism to get through this. It seems like everywhere I go relating to this is just negativity. Has anyone encountered inspiring stories of women divorcing and really being happier after this? Because right now I feel like I'm mourning someone who died, and I need some sort of encouragement. I'm okay with being a spinster for the rest of my life if that's what it means but everything I read from other people seems so bleak.

[Lilyana76]

OH OHOH I CAN!

 

I was married for 20 years, he cheated on me for 10 of them. WITH EVERYONE. I was miserable...I was depressed... I felt I wasn't worth the dog poo on the ground. I had 3 kids, how was I going to do everything ALONE.

 

It is overwhelming!!!

 

But, I DID IT!

 

I threw his *ss to the curb... I decided to pick myself up and do what I needed to do FOR ME. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself, stop whining about my feelings and DO something to change it.

 

Now divorced for almost a year, I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I have control of my life again! Its the most liberating and wonderful decision I have ever made in my life. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to be brave enough to go for it!