About to hit an ugly divorce... [update: still together, but separated, he raped me]

[NHappy]

oooh...that's possibly even worse than my situation. Glad to hear you came through it all right. What helped you get through the difficult times?

[NHappy]

Is anyone else undergoing a situation where they are having a hard time coping with the divorce (it was my decision, but losing the relationship feels like a loss) and their partner seems to get energy/satisfaction when you are down? I'm on an emotional roller coaster of being controlled, gaslighted, lied to (facts have become fluid with him now) and I keep crying. If I see him upset, it makes me worry or feel empathy. I don't understand why he seems to gain so much happiness (and strength, really) off of my tears...

[carhill]

You may have never had the experience of being beaten and a group laughing and joking about your pain and suffering. I hope you haven't. I have. That's what humans do, some anyway.

 

TBH, I wouldn't try to figure out anything regarding this soon to be departed partner. Just get away from him and move on with life. He'll do what he does until the grim reaper comes for him.

 

And, yes, I've been divorced. It gets better. Disconnecting and erasing the person is key, even if only emotionally, like where a co-parenting situation exists. The hard part is getting rid of the attachment to anything about them mattering. Once they don't matter, poof, gone.

[NHappy]

That's HORRIBLE. I'm so sorry to hear that, and that's terrifying when I have sons. I've been considering homeschooling for that reason (my oldest is 2 years younger than most kids in his class, and is academically but not socially at the same level as his peers- and he is very sensitive) I had a sister two years younger who was bullied pretty badly, but the bullies were likely getting that treatment at home. That's another worry...my husband acts as a bully sometimes (other times, he's amazing) to my oldest son.

 

I felt exactly like that when I was thrown around by my husband during my first pregnancy, but at that time he could have killed my son (he threw me down on my spine). I was supposed to be his protector, and I was completely powerless. This was a decade ago, and I can't get over it.

 

Thanks for your optimism, and again really sorry to hear you went through that.

[Ronni_W]

I don't understand why he seems to gain so much happiness (and strength, really) off of my tears...

It is, quite literally, that he is being able to steal and gain Energy-strength off of your aura's 'Chi' or 'Ki' or 'Life-Energy'.

This article, how dark forces...steal your energy, speaks to it - but in the context of infidelity. There's a more-general article on this or one of its sister sites, but I can't locate it, right now. Similar info will be found if you Google 'Energy vampires' and the like.

I'm on an emotional roller coaster of being controlled, gaslighted, lied to

I know that this sounds a little obvious - and trite - but...why don't you take yourself off that emotional roller coaster instead of voluntarily staying on it?

To the best of my understanding of the psychology behind the term, being 'gas lighted' happens only when one is NOT aware that it is going on; otherwise, it is just consciously accepting other people's lies, justifications and garbage.

[carhill]

Ronni_W makes a good point..... in life, we make plans and life happens and, at the core of it, we can't control other people or what life throws at us unrelated to our choices but we do retain the full power of choice in how we process those events, divorce and a potentially abusive partner as examples, and ultimately choose to act regarding them. If you want to 'get off the rollercoaster', you can do it and no one else can stop you.

 

I tend to see the milieu as a process, whereby one's vulnerability of attachment morphs over time into detachment and independence and a lessening or cessation of vulnerability.

 

I can't say my journey is any indicator of wider truth but I've noted, markedly, and in contrast to some people I've met, that my exW inspires no emotion in me at all, if I focus on her right now. In fact, she's a dim memory. When I view pictures of us together, which I have no problem doing, I tend to remember the great times we had as a couple, which pretty much every couple does whether they stay together or not, and how I liked the person I was when I loved her. That, to me, is the gift of living. You may find other gifts which speak to you. I hope you do.

[NHappy]

It is, quite literally, that he is being able to steal and gain Energy-strength off of your aura's 'Chi' or 'Ki' or 'Life-Energy'.

This article, how dark forces...steal your energy, speaks to it - but in the context of infidelity. There's a more-general article on this or one of its sister sites, but I can't locate it, right now. Similar info will be found if you Google 'Energy vampires' and the like.

I know that this sounds a little obvious - and trite - but...why don't you take yourself off that emotional roller coaster instead of voluntarily staying on it?

To the best of my understanding of the psychology behind the term, being 'gas lighted' happens only when one is NOT aware that it is going on; otherwise, it is just consciously accepting other people's lies, justifications and garbage.

 

RE: hy don't you take yourself off that emotional roller coaster instead of voluntarily staying on it? That sounds amazing. I can't seem to get out of this slump for some reason, though. It's sucking the energy and life out of me. I've never been someone who adapts easily to any sort of new age or spiritual ideology, but the energy vampire sounds about right. It's mainly due to the inconsistencies. I need to be able to plan, especially for my kids, and the back and forth dishonesty is putting me on the roller-coaster.

To the best of my understanding of the psychology behind the term, being 'gas lighted' happens only when one is NOT aware that it is going on;

So he will tell me that he is sorry for one thing one day, and then deny that he even did it the next. He will say he accepted a job and will not give me two weeks notice even though we are business partners (as he did this morning) and several hours later tell me he never received an offer and went to a completely different interview. He will claim he ever hurt my son even when his fingerprints are in a bruise in his arm, and denies it in front of my oldest son which is emotionally distressful for him. This is all the stuff I consider gas-lighting, without having looked up the formal definition.

[carhill]

Sounds like you know his process and what remains is how to react in a way that is healthy for you.

 

Without substantial introspection and/or a life-altering event, expect that he will be exactly this way until he is dead. You have no control over those potentials or his process. What are you going to do?

[NHappy]

I don't like to think of it that way, to be honest with you. He is a good person at many times, and he is the father of my kids. And I'm not the most amazing wife at all, but mainly because of the resentment and this sort of thing. I always want to just forget and forgive, until it happens again. I think I'll just have to sum this up to differences, because I don't want to see the person my children came from as bad. I'm getting a divorce, but it's going to be a drawn out process because of my circumstances. But, I'm starting to feel a little more optimistic about it. I appreciate the support.

[Ronni_W]

I don't want to see the person my children came from as bad.

And, it is not that your children's father -- and your husband/soon-to-be-ex -- is a bad person. But, he is a person with faults and failings...just like the rest of us;

and, these have made your situation untenable, and your happy and fulfilled life elusive if not impossible.

[NHappy]

And, it is not that your children's father -- and your husband/soon-to-be-ex -- is a bad person. But, he is a person with faults and failings...just like the rest of us;

and, these have made your situation untenable, and your happy and fulfilled life elusive if not impossible.

 

I like this logical perspective a lot, thank you. I can't ever see him as bad and going on forums where people are categorizing their exes as bad people or psychological categories makes me feel more empathy than I should in this situation. And, honestly, I need to toughen up regarding this as many of us probably do.

[LivingWaterPlease]

You may have never had the experience of being beaten and a group laughing and joking about your pain and suffering. I .

 

That is sickening, as one human to another, I apologize that you were treated this way.

 

So sorry for you, too, OP, going through your situation with a person gloating over your pain.

[Ronni_W]

I can't ever see him as bad

There is a huge difference between perceiving or saying that any human Being is bad -- versus objectively and accurately making assessments about their human personality traits, both negative and positive.

 

To blind one's self to existing negative characteristics and behaviour is unhelpful, unwise and even naïve. Unfortunately, there are just people who display or demonstrate selfishness, inconsideration. unreliability, untrustworthiness, disloyalty, unkindness, cruelty, etc.

It is especially important to be able to see these things within our own self, so that we can transcend and grow out of it; while, at the same time, not losing sight of our own positive qualities.

 

I do agree with you that many people can also act hurtful and vindictive towards others -- and, very often this is directed at a former spouse, partner, friend or a family member.

[carhill]

That is sickening, as one human to another, I apologize that you were treated this way.

 

So sorry for you, too, OP, going through your situation with a person gloating over your pain.

I do need to clarify that this was long before being married and my spouse was never physically abusive, though, in the OP's case, emotional and mental abuse can rise to similar levels of damage, or perhaps even more since the person involved was one who purported to love and respect and protect them from harm.

 

OP, the tightrope to walk in these deals, IMO, is one of degree, where disconnecting the offending party does not write tapes which write off the human race in general. The difficulty of that tightrope depends on your emotional style. For some folks, it's a stroll. For others exceedingly difficult. The level of difficulty often determines how much and the kind of 'baggage', the common word, one brings to any new associations or relationships.

 

If, during the process, you feel stuck and unable or unwilling to move forward, try getting some tools from a professional. Ask for help. It'll work out.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm getting a divorce, but it's going to be a drawn out process because of my circumstances.

 

Then I'd look to change my immediate circumstances,

 

And before you say "I can't", think about the price paid by both you and your kids in the status quo. For example:

 

He will claim he ever hurt my son even when his fingerprints are in a bruise in his arm, and denies it in front of my oldest son which is emotionally distressful for him.

 

Your post doesn't convey much alarm or sense of urgency...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NHappy]

I do need to clarify that this was long before being married and my spouse was never physically abusive, though, in the OP's case, emotional and mental abuse can rise to similar levels of damage, or perhaps even more since the person involved was one who purported to love and respect and protect them from harm.

 

OP, the tightrope to walk in these deals, IMO, is one of degree, where disconnecting the offending party does not write tapes which write off the human race in general. The difficulty of that tightrope depends on your emotional style. For some folks, it's a stroll. For others exceedingly difficult. The level of difficulty often determines how much and the kind of 'baggage', the common word, one brings to any new associations or relationships.

 

If, during the process, you feel stuck and unable or unwilling to move forward, try getting some tools from a professional. Ask for help. It'll work out.

 

Thanks to all- I'm one of those people who have difficulty seeing anyone as bad, even the crazy terrorists in the news (probably because my husband is of middle eastern descent). But I think this may be a weakness, at least for me. I could have filed police reports in three counties that would put him in jail for physical abuse, but I didn't. And I was crying due to the situation I am now in (heart condition due to the stress, cannot drive anymore which has impacted me hugely, especially at such a young age)- he called me pathetic WHILE I was crying. This was last night. And when I bring up the past physical abuse (I'll never forget- he could have killed my first son when I was pregnant, which was the worst) he starts screaming "YOU ARE A THREAT!" He tells me I am emotionally abusive for reminding him what he did to me.

WHAT. THE....?! He has no accountability for this, or empathy whatsoever. The only thing worse than being beaten or raped by someone stronger than you is being treated this way afterwords. My feelings are nothing. I'd go through it all over again before this gaslighting (he's not even not admitting- he's just not realizing beating your wife is wrong)

 

Carhill, your situation was beyond infuriating from your past. I don't have anything else to say about that, other than this is an issue with the kid's parents. My older son (younger def still developing that frontal lobe) has been raised to be sensitive, and I would be furious if he ever did that or had that done to him. It sounds like you recovered as a very strong person.

 

Mr. Lucky- consider my situation. Running a business with him (although he's completely stressful to even work with) not driving due to a new heart condition. I have kids with him, and based on that he could get custody, which would result in my suing for the rest of my life. I'm trying to do this amicably, but I'm starting to realize that doesn't happen with divorce.

 

LWP- I agree 100%

 

Ronni- I like your consensus. But it's hardest to stay mad at my husband due to his being completely sweet the next moment. We sometimes forget we hate each other. Even though he's beaten me worse than I've experienced in any relationship (emotionally as well) he has a baby face and looks so innocent, until he gets violent or starts screaming.

[Ronni_W]

- he called me pathetic WHILE I was crying. This was last night. <snip> The only thing worse than being beaten or raped by someone stronger than you is being treated this way afterwords. <snip> he's just not realizing beating your wife is wrong <snip> Even though he's beaten me worse than I've experienced in any relationship

NHappy,

Do you have a safe house where you and your children can go? Family, siblings, friends?

 

You are a worthwhile human Being and you do not deserve this.

 

You may need some outside guidance and assistance to help you extricate yourself from this toxic environment; and, please do not neglect that it also affects and impacts your children.

[Mr. Lucky]

 

Mr. Lucky- consider my situation. Running a business with him (although he's completely stressful to even work with) not driving due to a new heart condition. I have kids with him, and based on that he could get custody, which would result in my suing for the rest of my life. I'm trying to do this amicably, but I'm starting to realize that doesn't happen with divorce.

 

 

Since you've effectively answered your own questions, I'll just hope for you things go more smoothly. Keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jersey born raised]

You need to use the search function and find Downtown. There are a lot of blanks in your stories that need to be fleshed out but I think you might be dealing with a personality disorder.

[NHappy]

NHappy,

Do you have a safe house where you and your children can go? Family, siblings, friends?

 

You are a worthwhile human Being and you do not deserve this.

 

You may need some outside guidance and assistance to help you extricate yourself from this toxic environment; and, please do not neglect that it also affects and impacts your children.

 

Thank you, Ronni. I appreciate that. I live in a new area where I haven't had much time to get involved in the community, and family is spread out. As far as actionable steps, I know what I need to do, but can't just uproot everyone at once. That would be traumatic for my children, and unnecessary. I don't think it's going to happen again as far as physical abuse, and if it did I would call the police and file a restraining order. It's just helpful to vent here because I really can't much in my normal life and don't have a strong support network at this point in my life, at all. I lost touch with most friends when I started dating him, but am going to work in getting more involved in the community...especially when it comes to involvement in my kids life.

 

It's actually been helpful he's been emotionally abusive lately, because it's giving me the adrenaline to take the necessary measures. It's not making me weaker. Again, really appreciate the advice. Safe house is not appropriate for my circumstance, though. A lawyer will be, though.

[NHappy]

Hi to all,

 

I've been going through a separation for the past year now. I flushed my ring over a year ago after dealing with some emotional abuse from my husband, and have dealt with being beaten during pregnancy with my first son among other things, including once incident of rape where my arms were held down and I was begging him to stop, had to try and bite him because I was completely powerless, and then some.

 

I can't see him as a bad person, because I did love him deeply at one point (ten years ago, before he beat me when I was pregnant.) But I think I really need to to protect myself in this situation. He has been manipulative to a point where he had my Mother come out (I had to literally emancipate myself due to abuse that I can not even open up to with a psychologist about without them calling social services on her) that I had not spoken to for several months for very good reason, and started telling her how hurt he was- (to truly understand, you have to know that he does not behave like this with me and this came two days after forgetting our anniversary. It was blatantly for 'show'- he treats me like crap when nobody is around.

 

I talked to a police department in my area, but only regarding the original incident, because it was severe enough to where it could have killed my son (in vitro). They told me it was out of their jurisdiction and to contact the LAPD, where it happened. The LAPD said they could not help because I would have to go through my county and have a courtesy report filed. Is it even legal for both departments to refuse to help me?

 

A domestic violence shelter is not an option for me. I'm a driven businesswomen with children, and the situation would be irreversibly traumatic for all of us. I know, because I witnessed my parent's divorce as a kid. I want to avoid it. A lawyer is, but I'm dealing with a situation of having too much empathy to proceed- and believe me it is entirely misdirected. Misdirected to a point where i I cry (I'm pretty depressed bc of the divorce, I feel like I'm losing a family member and the more depressed I get the more energetic or happy he seems) he calls me pathetic- and then denies it the next day. If I call him out on the physical abuse, he doesn't deny it, but tells me I'm a 'THREAT' for reminding him of it.

 

I can't open up to ANYONE about this. I've been brushing everything under the rug for a decade, telling everyone he is amazing because I wanted to live in that delusion. I lost touch with most of my family (family was not there much to begin with anyway) and friends when I met him. I'm not too worried about custody (thank God- would spend my life going to war over my kids) and he said the other day he doesn't really care. If I talk to a psychologist, I'd worry he'd get arrested, and that would be how they view their father which is unacceptable to me. Or, because I can't drive due to a new heart condition from the stress, I would end up having to sue to even get custody which would be stressful, time intensive etc- especially considering how protective I am of them. But, I keep crying. I need confidential advice, and due to the laws in this country can't effectively get it. I'm functioning just fine and trying to just work my butt off to quadruple my income and get out of this situation and debt, but this is really hard. REALLY HARD. And everybody thinks he's this amazing guy because he's so sweet in public, but he has never had any close relationships with friends or been in love before and it's a facade.

 

I know what I need to do to get through this, but I don't think I can do the legal route with someone I have loved. How do you get the strength, the anger, to facilitate this without them knowing? I feel like it's a horrible thing to do to someone even given the circumstances. I'm a businesswoman and have no problem being assertive in business, but this is someone who fathered my children...

[anna121]

Do you think he bears no responsibility for his actions? Why would you infantilize him that way?

 

Invoking consequences actually means treating someone as having agency. It is not something you visit upon them. It is one of the obligations we all bear as members of a civilized human society.

 

I do not understand why you would not be entitled to confidential advice. Certainly, a lawyer would be bound by unshakeable privilege. I also question your assumptions about the reaction of health professionals. If you are concerned, you could keep the information given to a health professional to yourself - there is no professional obligation I am aware of that would permit them to invade your privacy.

 

Your husband is not a god, he is not a wizard. He is NOTHING special. He is only as powerful as you let him be. He sounds like a pathetic coward who likely would back down in the face of true resistance.

 

Your paralysis and rationalizations over the last eight months of this thread are painful to read. Ultimately, the only person who can effect change to what sounds like an absolutely miserable existence, is you.

 

Godspeed.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would end up having to sue to even get custody which would be stressful, time intensive etc- especially considering how protective I am of them.

 

but only regarding the original incident, because it was severe enough to where it could have killed my son (in vitro).

 

How do you reconcile these two things?

 

You're protective of your kids, yet you won't take the steps to provide a safe distance for them and you from a man that beat you and endangered one of them? Who's raped and threatened you?

 

NHappy, doesn't make sense...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ronni_W]

(I had to literally emancipate myself due to abuse that I can not even open up to with a psychologist about without them calling social services on her)

NHappy,

 

To the best of my knowledge, the authorities will not call Social Services if there are no minors CURRENTLY in danger or at risk. But, you can find this out for yourself by calling your local Social Services/Children’s Aid Society, and asking them if they can or ever do go after abusive parents retroactively or decades after the fact – just tell them it’s a situation that’s going on for an adult co-worker. (Call anonymously if that’ll make you feel more comfortable.)

 

You are the only responsible parent that your children have in their lives, so it is your responsibility and obligation to them to do WHATEVER it takes to get them out of this abusive and toxic environment that their father is responsible for creating and maintaining. You know what it’s like to grow up in such a situation, and you should wish for something much better for them and should want to make sure that they don’t grow up like this. Your love for your children and your desire to protect and nurture them is everything you need to access your inner strength, courage and determination to do whatever and everything that’s best for your children.

 

I can't open up to ANYONE about this. I've been brushing everything under the rug for a decade, telling everyone he is amazing because I wanted to live in that delusion.

You MUST open up to someone; you must open up to all the professionals that will help you to be a more responsible parent. It is not fair on your children that you are still prepared and willing to ‘live in delusion’ and to just be as passive and act as powerless and helpless as you have been doing. Your children depend on you to start acting like their true guardian and protector.

 

Your fear that their father might be arrested is also quite far-fetched. If YOU don’t try to drag in the police (for an incident that happened when you were pregnant), then the police will have nothing for which to come and arrest him, about that.

 

 

You will obtain valuable and very-much needed INFORMATION AND PROPER ADVICE/COUNSEL – which, also, your children need you to obtain – from a domestic violence shelter or organization. There is a difference between this (consulting with them) and actually going into shelter.

 

I can't see him as a bad person, because I did love him deeply at one point <snip> I know what I need to do to get through this, but I don't think I can do the legal route with someone I have loved. <snip> this is someone who fathered my children...

YOU keep calling him a ‘bad person’ when, in truth, you need to be calling him a dysfunctional person because he lacks the life and coping skills to properly fulfill his roles as husband and father – if he cannot treat their mother properly, then he is not a good father and role-model as a father. You must take off the rose-coloured glasses and be honest with yourself about the man you loved and married and who is the father of your children. To continue under self-delusion and self-deception about him, is only hurting your children and your Self.

 

You do need to get it in your head, NHappy, that, right now, he is a dysfunctional person who will have a continuing negative and detrimental effect on and influence over YOUR CHILDREN. You may want to stay under illusion that this is only indirect, or that your children are not or are only barely aware of how their father treats you, but,

I can assure you that this is not the case. Once you have hired your personal psychologist, you can check this for yourself.

 

The fact that you loved this man at some point in the past and that he is the father of your children does not excuse you or relieve you of the burden of taking full and proper care of your children, INCLUDING, ESPECIALLY, that they are in an altogether safe, happy, loving and nurturing environment that will help them grow, thrive and prosper in life. You have the experience, unfortunately, of know what it’s like to have a crappy childhood – and, thus, you are the perfect person and mother to ensure that this does not happen to your own children. You simply can no longer keep doing what you have been doing – you must get counseling for yourself and you must consult with an attorney and pursue all legal avenues available for you to secure the financial, mental and emotional welfare and well-being of your children, immediately and for the future.

 

If you have to go outside of your present ‘comfort zone’, then that is what you must do for your children;

you must expand your ‘psychological boundaries’ out of your love for your children.

 

In Love and Light.