To cheat or not

[shet]

I'm 32m with girlfriend of 30. Been together 10 months. Very happy relationship. Cohabiting.

 

I had no real sexual relationship before her. Essentially I lost my virginity to her at 32. She herself had little experience, much of it negative, before me; for example she initially refused to either give or receive oral. I also have a condition sexually, it emerges; I am almost anhedonic about sex, it is borderline impossible to reach orgasm during sex, in 10 months of twice weekly sex I have cum at her hands only once, and it required some unusual practice to reach. I can masturbate just fine.

 

For reasons I can't explain, since beginning our relationship, I have become far more attractive to women generally. Pheromones or the shirts she's buying me, I dunno. Having spent 32 years alone, I'm now hit on or made eyes at regularly. Normally it's easy to dismiss and just remember my lovely gf at home, who is very lovely and I love very much. And will do ridiculous things in bed for me for the prize of causing me to orgasm.

 

One particular such circumstance concerns a woman I actually dated months before I met my girlfriend. Far too young and blonde, at the time she seemed to drift away, despite admitting a thing for older men. My being in a relationship has brought her back, no doubt from jealousy. She's been texting for a few months, but recently outright stated that she regrets letting me go and finds me unbearably attractive and charming - while being happy for me in my relationship of course.

 

I have dinner with her this week. I couldn't not set it up after those admissions. She's very attractive physically and over a decade my junior. We're supposedly meeting to chat about the dating lifestyle, the problems she's faced, what I did to find success, what a good partner is etc, but I think the writing is on the wall. I will be responsible for setting boundaries or not. My partner doesn't know and couldn't find out. I don't yet know if I want to cheat.

 

So far, you're going to tell me I must not do it. But look at things from my perspective. I didn't have any hot blonde 21yos when I was 21 myself. Or indeed 31. It took until I happened to be in a relationship with the first woman who laid hands on me at 32 to unlock the reality of having women attracted to me. If I do nothing and stay faithful, my gf will be the only sexual partner I ever have (I would definitely call our relationship marriage-track). The only woman I ever even kissed or held. For all I know, my sexual anhedonia is because of her inadequacy in bed - I wouldn't know because I have nothing to compare to, maybe ****ing someone else would be orgasm city. We've even discussed that and she's admitted I'm right, we can't know unless I sleep with others, said maybe a trip to Amsterdams red light district would help me figure it out. I've even discussed it with the sex counsellor I see to try fixing the anhedonia, who essentially agreed and shrugged because he can't condone or suggest cheating.

 

Furthermore, frankly, I feel like a deserve this. I waited 32 years alone with my right hand. Then I got involved rapidly in a serious relationship. Suddenly women are all over me, and I can ignore most, but this one is both so easily available, so hot *and* so distant from my social circle. I literally never in my life before had a woman tell me she thinks I'm handsome and wants me. Am I really going to let a ten month relationship stop me having more experience of intimacy beyond only that with my gf? Might it not give me a whole new perspective? You have no idea how bitterly lonely and attention starved I was all those years alone. Can I not just take a little more of it now, if it's freely offered. Can I not feel like a stud for one time in my life, while whatever magic I have at the moment lasts?

 

Don't jump down my throat. I am devils advocate here. These are moral questions running through my mind. I feel like what will most likely happen is I will rebuff blondey, explain how it wasn't to be, and seal my fate as a virgin+1 forever. I love my gf and I fear what might change inside my own head if I cheat on her. I'm just interested in what y'all think.

[Redhead14]

I'm 32m with girlfriend of 30. Been together 10 months. Very happy relationship. Cohabiting.

 

I had no real sexual relationship before her. Essentially I lost my virginity to her at 32. She herself had little experience, much of it negative, before me; for example she initially refused to either give or receive oral. I also have a condition sexually, it emerges; I am almost anhedonic about sex, it is borderline impossible to reach orgasm during sex, in 10 months of twice weekly sex I have cum at her hands only once, and it required some unusual practice to reach. I can masturbate just fine.

 

For reasons I can't explain, since beginning our relationship, I have become far more attractive to women generally. Pheromones or the shirts she's buying me, I dunno. Having spent 32 years alone, I'm now hit on or made eyes at regularly. Normally it's easy to dismiss and just remember my lovely gf at home, who is very lovely and I love very much. And will do ridiculous things in bed for me for the prize of causing me to orgasm.

 

One particular such circumstance concerns a woman I actually dated months before I met my girlfriend. Far too young and blonde, at the time she seemed to drift away, despite admitting a thing for older men. My being in a relationship has brought her back, no doubt from jealousy. She's been texting for a few months, but recently outright stated that she regrets letting me go and finds me unbearably attractive and charming - while being happy for me in my relationship of course.

 

I have dinner with her this week. I couldn't not set it up after those admissions. She's very attractive physically and over a decade my junior. We're supposedly meeting to chat about the dating lifestyle, the problems she's faced, what I did to find success, what a good partner is etc, but I think the writing is on the wall. I will be responsible for setting boundaries or not. My partner doesn't know and couldn't find out. I don't yet know if I want to cheat.

 

So far, you're going to tell me I must not do it. But look at things from my perspective. I didn't have any hot blonde 21yos when I was 21 myself. Or indeed 31. It took until I happened to be in a relationship with the first woman who laid hands on me at 32 to unlock the reality of having women attracted to me. If I do nothing and stay faithful, my gf will be the only sexual partner I ever have (I would definitely call our relationship marriage-track). The only woman I ever even kissed or held. For all I know, my sexual anhedonia is because of her inadequacy in bed - I wouldn't know because I have nothing to compare to, maybe ****ing someone else would be orgasm city. We've even discussed that and she's admitted I'm right, we can't know unless I sleep with others, said maybe a trip to Amsterdams red light district would help me figure it out. I've even discussed it with the sex counsellor I see to try fixing the anhedonia, who essentially agreed and shrugged because he can't condone or suggest cheating.

 

Furthermore, frankly, I feel like a deserve this. I waited 32 years alone with my right hand. Then I got involved rapidly in a serious relationship. Suddenly women are all over me, and I can ignore most, but this one is both so easily available, so hot *and* so distant from my social circle. I literally never in my life before had a woman tell me she thinks I'm handsome and wants me. Am I really going to let a ten month relationship stop me having more experience of intimacy beyond only that with my gf? Might it not give me a whole new perspective? You have no idea how bitterly lonely and attention starved I was all those years alone. Can I not just take a little more of it now, if it's freely offered. Can I not feel like a stud for one time in my life, while whatever magic I have at the moment lasts?

 

Don't jump down my throat. I am devils advocate here. These are moral questions running through my mind. I feel like what will most likely happen is I will rebuff blondey, explain how it wasn't to be, and seal my fate as a virgin+1 forever. I love my gf and I fear what might change inside my own head if I cheat on her. I'm just interested in what y'all think.

I'm just interested in what y'all think -- You don't want to know what I think and, worse, you don't want to hear it if I say it, because it would not be sugar-coated . . . ah, screw it, here it comes:

 

I will rebuff blondey, explain how it wasn't to be, -- You're being kinda arrogant, aren't you? Perhaps, blondey will move on from you after she's proved to herself that she can get any man she wants . . . and then decides she wants another . . . or her ex or . . .

 

Go ahead and cheat . . . but don't go running back to your GF when the blondey dumps your stupid ass . . . if she has a brain in her head, she will at some point realize that you cheated on your gf with her and starts wondering who you are going to cheat on her with . . . ?

 

And, won't it be fun when your girlfriend starts getting suspicious? Women have an uncanny ability to just know when something isn't right. It's really fun to be walking on eggshells and looking over your shoulder.

 

If you want to sow your wild oats, end this relationship and stop acting like a teenager trying to circumvent the rules of the house.

[h0000]

You should stay single and have as much sex as You want

Cheat? No. Do you want your gf to cheat and tell you "hey I deserve this. I waited 30 years"

[sooshi]

So you love your girlfriend but you want to cheat on her?

 

Sorry, but you don't love her. You haven't even told her about meeting up with your ex, who wants to discuss romantic issues with you. And it seems like you have no intention to tell your girlfriend about this meeting/date.

 

If you want to "explore" with other women, then tell her and ask her if she's open to having an open relationship. If not, the relationship ends.

 

Right now, what you're doing is so incredibly disrespectful towards someone who you claim to love. Let her go so she can be with someone who won't cheat on her and who actually cares about her enough to be honest and open with her.

[h0000]

Some men, have been single for so long to the point they think no one wants them, suddenly get a lovely girl who's willing to be with them. And the girls affection and attention start to boost their ego and they start to grow a big head thinking "wow I'm really a stud. Look all women want me now. I need to taste all of them"

OP is having a bug head moment, thinking he is so popular. In the end he will realise he is still the same old...you know what

[Redhead14]

Don't jump down my throat

 

I'm just interested in what y'all think

 

By the way, don't ask for advice and then tell people how or what to think or say. I, for one, will not support or spin advice to accommodate anyone whose moral compass is broken . . .

[sooshi]

You ask: to cheat or not to cheat.

 

You already ARE cheating.

[Friskyone4u]

Shet

 

No reason to blast you or rage at you.

 

Some people are "late bloomers". Happens to women also. The frumpy girl who in her 30's is now a knockout. And by the way, you are not the first person who had not had much sexual experience who now wonders what they missed. Happens to peolple who get married at 20 all the time when they reach your age.

 

So congratulations on your new found confidence and self esteem. But that's where the good news ends my friend.

 

A very short time ago YOU made the decision without a gun at your head vto march down the aisle with this woman you are married to and part of those vows you took said that your brain below your waist did not get to fulfill every desire that popped up.

 

Now you can bang blonde and you will eventually get caught and devastate your wife, so I don't know if you are expecting encouragement to become an adulterer or what your purpose is. If you find blonde so hot that you cannot resist, tell your wife you made a mistake getting married and show her some respect and divorce her. Then you and blonde are free to go at it to your hearts content.

 

And then you can enjoy your new studies self as a single free man.

[LostOnes05]

I was going to write something thought-provoking and insightful, but reading your post again left me with this...

 

DON'T BE AN IDIOT

 

Plus, I'm sure the ladies here will chew you a new one. Good luck!

[CarrieT]

I had no real sexual relationship before her. Essentially I lost my virginity to her at 32. She herself had little experience, much of it negative, before me; for example she initially refused to either give or receive oral. I also have a condition sexually, it emerges; I am almost anhedonic about sex, it is borderline impossible to reach orgasm during sex, in 10 months of twice weekly sex I have cum at her hands only once, and it required some unusual practice to reach. I can masturbate just fine.

 

The crux of this is that you have been whacking off for 30-some years so you aren't anhedonic, but simply accustomed to your own hand versus that of a woman's body. If you stop masturbating, intercourse will become more pleasurable.

 

Secondly, because you have only just become sexual with women, it is best if you break-up with your girlfriend to explore being on your own and sexual with others.

[biker23]

You dont cheat on someone with whom you are on a marriage track.

 

What happens if you do have sex with this blonde and you dont have your 'issues'. Boom

 

btw, check into your T level.

[Redhead14]

I was going to write something thought-provoking and insightful, but reading your post again left me with this...

 

DON'T BE AN IDIOT

 

Plus, I'm sure the ladies here will chew you a new one. Good luck!

 

thought-provoking and insightful

 

-- That's the difference between "us" and the OP, we have the ability to use insight and be thoughtful, instead of being selfish, lacking empathy and forethought for consequences of our actions. In other words, we are grown ups.

[ChickiePops]

You sound like an ass. You're not entitled to p*ssy just because you didn't get laid til you were 32.

 

Dump your girlfriend and go do whatever, but don't be a disgusting cheating pig.

[CarrieT]

And, Shet, you have been around this site long enough to know that you shouldn't cheat...

[aileD]

Why don't you just break up with her instead of cheating on her. That's what real men do.

 

I get it. You want to explore your options now that you're no longer a virgin. Fine and good but have the decency to just break it off with her first...if you care about her you owe her that much

 

Trust me cheating does more damage to the betrayed than a breakup does.

[juniorrocha]

What you're not seeing is: you do not respect your girlfriend. You already don't. The fact you're thinking about this already throws you right in the trashcan labeled "not marriage material".

 

I understand that you want to explore your options, you're new to it and now you wanna see what the world has to offer. But your girlfriend has nothing to do with it. Either drop that thought, what I highly doubt you will, or break up with your girlfriend so you can go out there without disrespecting anyone any further.

 

You know what's right to do, now it's your decision. I sure wouldn't want to be on your girlfriend's shoes. No matter what happens next, you don't seem someone worth keeping.

[TunaCat]

Are you kidding me?

 

If you truly loved your girlfriend cheating would never even ENTER your mind.

 

Break up with her and then you can go have all the sex you want with whoever you want.

[ExpatInItaly]

Break up with your girlfriend. You are nowhere near ready for a committed relationship.

 

Have your fun, sleep around until you are blue in the face - but do not do this behind your girlfriend's back. Do this as a single man.

 

No, you do not "deserve" to cheat. Your girlfriend, however, does deserve a hell of a lot better.

[Space Ritual]

Shet, You are so full of crap your teeth are floating.

 

Grow up.

 

You "Deserve" this, my arse. You sound like a total Weasel.

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm just interested in what y'all think.

Alright, I'll bite.

 

For 32 years you didn't have the confidence to date like most people, have sex like most people, have your heart broken like most people, or be engaged in serious long term relationships like most other people. The only person you 'dated' was your right hand.

 

Then, someone was finally willing to overlook the fact that you're A LOT of freakin' work when you consider the fact that relationships with healthy people are already hard enough. She was willing to put in the extra effort in the hopes of you eventually becoming emotionally and physically healthy.

 

And for that sacrifice and dedication she's invested in you, you've had the unmitigated gall to try to blame your sexual inadequacies on HER and want to parlay the experience you've FINALLY gotten - at the age of 32 - into having sex with all these ladies you imagine are beating a path to your door.

 

Well alrighty then.

 

I'm not going to tell you not to cheat. You're a big boy, you know the score. But I will say, don't be surprised when your great new super d*ck lets you down - again - with your hot new blonde. And when it does, are you going to blame THAT on your girlfriend, too?

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm 32m with girlfriend of 30. Been together 10 months. Very happy relationship. Cohabiting.

 

I had no real sexual relationship before her. Essentially I lost my virginity to her at 32. She herself had little experience, much of it negative, before me; for example she initially refused to either give or receive oral. I also have a condition sexually, it emerges; I am almost anhedonic about sex, it is borderline impossible to reach orgasm during sex, in 10 months of twice weekly sex I have cum at her hands only once, and it required some unusual practice to reach. I can masturbate just fine.

 

For reasons I can't explain, since beginning our relationship, I have become far more attractive to women generally. Pheromones or the shirts she's buying me, I dunno. Having spent 32 years alone, I'm now hit on or made eyes at regularly. Normally it's easy to dismiss and just remember my lovely gf at home, who is very lovely and I love very much. And will do ridiculous things in bed for me for the prize of causing me to orgasm.

 

One particular such circumstance concerns a woman I actually dated months before I met my girlfriend. Far too young and blonde, at the time she seemed to drift away, despite admitting a thing for older men. My being in a relationship has brought her back, no doubt from jealousy. She's been texting for a few months, but recently outright stated that she regrets letting me go and finds me unbearably attractive and charming - while being happy for me in my relationship of course.

 

I have dinner with her this week. I couldn't not set it up after those admissions. She's very attractive physically and over a decade my junior. We're supposedly meeting to chat about the dating lifestyle, the problems she's faced, what I did to find success, what a good partner is etc, but I think the writing is on the wall. I will be responsible for setting boundaries or not. My partner doesn't know and couldn't find out. I don't yet know if I want to cheat.

 

So far, you're going to tell me I must not do it. But look at things from my perspective. I didn't have any hot blonde 21yos when I was 21 myself. Or indeed 31. It took until I happened to be in a relationship with the first woman who laid hands on me at 32 to unlock the reality of having women attracted to me. If I do nothing and stay faithful, my gf will be the only sexual partner I ever have (I would definitely call our relationship marriage-track). The only woman I ever even kissed or held. For all I know, my sexual anhedonia is because of her inadequacy in bed - I wouldn't know because I have nothing to compare to, maybe ****ing someone else would be orgasm city. We've even discussed that and she's admitted I'm right, we can't know unless I sleep with others, said maybe a trip to Amsterdams red light district would help me figure it out. I've even discussed it with the sex counsellor I see to try fixing the anhedonia, who essentially agreed and shrugged because he can't condone or suggest cheating.

 

Furthermore, frankly, I feel like a deserve this. I waited 32 years alone with my right hand. Then I got involved rapidly in a serious relationship. Suddenly women are all over me, and I can ignore most, but this one is both so easily available, so hot *and* so distant from my social circle. I literally never in my life before had a woman tell me she thinks I'm handsome and wants me. Am I really going to let a ten month relationship stop me having more experience of intimacy beyond only that with my gf? Might it not give me a whole new perspective? You have no idea how bitterly lonely and attention starved I was all those years alone. Can I not just take a little more of it now, if it's freely offered. Can I not feel like a stud for one time in my life, while whatever magic I have at the moment lasts?

 

Don't jump down my throat. I am devils advocate here. These are moral questions running through my mind. I feel like what will most likely happen is I will rebuff blondey, explain how it wasn't to be, and seal my fate as a virgin+1 forever. I love my gf and I fear what might change inside my own head if I cheat on her. I'm just interested in what y'all think.

 

All of this sounds like "justification soup."

 

You know what a choice is and how to make one, just like every other adult.

 

Shows how much you appreciate your girlfriend.

 

I was the girlfriend a few times of virgin men.

 

FFS, I dated socially awkward guys and the second they got some action, they figured they were "The King."

 

Women aren't Pokemon you know? You don't have to "catch em all."

 

What the Hell is with so many men defining their self-worth by how many vaginas they've popped into?

 

You aren't a Vagina Collection Agent collecting on debt that you are "owed."

 

And your gf doesn't owe you disrespecting her.

 

Sounds like she needs to explore a little more to find a decent guy. Not one who arranges dinners behind her back with "hot blondes."

[shet]

Thanks all!

 

I think a lot of people here don't know what playing devils advocate means as a phrase, either that or I inhabited the role a little too fully. What interests me about the responses here is how only 1 or 2 actually explore any kind of psychological aspect like I wanted, and the rest are just angry.

 

I particularly like the one saying whether I do it or not, I am already cheating in my mind. It's a neat sentiment. Something to think about. Consider though; sex is pretty unimportant to me in the relationship, because I don't get off and frankly find the whole thing a lot of effort for no reward, except the pleasure of getting my gf off. It's other things that bind me to her. I accept it may be different in her mind. Were I to cheat it would not be to have sex, I wouldn't want to explain my problem to her or work up a sweat for nothing. It would just be to experience intimacy.

 

I have many friends who cheat on their partner, men and women. In some relationships it is the end, once exposed. In others it's barely a blip. Some of them have kids. One couple I knew, the woman cheated, the man left her, then he cheated on his next partner, then the original pair got back together with a fresh understanding. It's a fact of reality that eyes and minds wander.

 

In the end someone here was right I think, this is just me who has bloomed late getting a big head and letting his ego get away just the same as if it happened when I was a teenager like it was supposed to. I don't wish to compromise my relationship, and even if it remained a secret, I would know myself, forever. That may end up bringing me a lot of anguish in life.

[ChickiePops]

The arrogance and condescension that drips off of your every word is most likely the reason you didn't have sex for 32 years.

 

There are actually many people on this planet (and on this site) who are as smart or smarter than you. Having a different opinion from yours doesn't mean they're stupid or that they deserve to be mocked. I for one am well aware of what devils advocate is, and that wasn't it.

 

Has anyone here encouraged you to cheat, I feel fairly certain that you'd have used that to justify it to yourself.

 

What a shame that a girl finally gave you a chance and this is how you're repaying her. Here's to hoping you do the right thing.

[benpom]

She raised you up to find confidence, but you are repaying her by this. She gave you a new life. A decent person would be so thankful that she woke up the confidence inside you.

 

You are 20 years behind maturity you should have now, man!

 

On the other hand, you are just a human being. It's understandable that you have flaws. But what draws the line between a decent person and a d*** is: a decent person knows it's wrong when it's wrong, and makes no justification, and does not drag innocent people into the fire pit.

[juniorrocha]

What interests me about the responses here is how only 1 or 2 actually explore any kind of psychological aspect like I wanted, and the rest are just angry.

 

Because there's nothing to be explored.

 

You lost your virginity at 32, you're now thinking women are interested in you (maybe they've always been, but you didn't notice until your desires for cheating popped up) and you want to cheat on your current partner because now you have the confidence to experiment.

 

One word: lame.

 

You're trying to find excuses to cheat on your girlfriend, when you know it's wrong and it will hurt her. If you want to experiment, let her go and do it.

 

What you don't seem to understand here is that you have to choose in order to be honest. You either stay or you go out there banging other women. Be a man.