To cheat or not

[shet]

There's plenty to explore. People here are just dull and only interested in attacking what they don't like to read.

 

That's clearly visible by the fact everyone wants to say something about being a virgin. Truth is, I wasn't. I was raped in my teens which put me off women, and then had a particular set of life circumstances that isolated me from wholesome contact on my own terms. I spiritually rather than technically considered myself a virgin until I was with her, because she was the first woman I *chose* to be with. The people trying to drag me on it don't know anything about my life and are embarrassing themselves without realising. The cause of my anhedonia during sex is an inability to dissociate it from my negative unwilling past experiences.

 

Some people would say the thought alone condemns me. Others would say it's only cheating if it involves actual sex. Others still would say the only important cheating isn't physical at all, it's when you're emotionally unfaithful. And meanwhile, Usain Bolt cheated on his betrothed in front of the world at the Olympics, and she doesn't mind, because they say "Jamaican culture is different".

 

Have you read any articles out there now about the changing face of relationships and sex, in the post-internet, post-industrial, post-recession, post-womens emancipation world? It's fascinating stuff. The demise of men, the rise of women, the scarcity of eligible male partners and the blunt realities that forces on women if they want children. Suffice to say your childrens children aren't going to lead romantic lives recognisable by you. The Disney-fed bull**** we all believe in won't hold up anymore. Girls can look forward to being poor single moms all boning the same guy, boys can look forward to destitution and suicide by 40. And we all did that to our kids, if not directly, by voting for the people that did.

 

I made the dinner arrangement to sit down with her about her troubled love life, bad ideas about suitable partners and why she can't pursue a man ten years older and in a relationship. It merely occurs to me that the situation is exploitable and unique in the way it applies to me because of my past. I'm interested in that. Truth is, I'd take far more smug satisfaction from rebuffing any advances she makes than I would pleasure from allowing them. She's pretty and thinks she gets what she wants. That's half the reason I set it up. The look on her face will fuel me for life. Amongst my friends, colleagues and cohorts that's a rare idea. You guys here don't realise how in the minority you are I think. This place is an internet echo chamber where you've assembled to reflect your values back at yourselves. But don't worry, I'm on your side, after a fashion.

[PrettyEmily77]

Dude, ultimately it doesn't matter what we here think (I'd vote not to cheat based on my own moral compass, but whatever).

 

Ask your good lady; she'll likely give you a more fitting answer.

[Space Ritual]

Thanks all!

 

I think a lot of people here don't know what playing devils advocate means as a phrase, either that or I inhabited the role a little too fully. What interests me about the responses here is how only 1 or 2 actually explore any kind of psychological aspect like I wanted, and the rest are just angry.

 

Not angry at all...just calling you out for being a weasel, which you still are regardless of how you try to frame your laughable presentation.

[shet]

Not angry at all...just calling you out for being a weasel, which you still are regardless of how you try to frame your laughable presentation.

 

Well chief, I feel totally called out and sincerely appreciate your contribution of the word weasel, which doesn't date you at all. More importantly I am genuinely concerned about your one word opinion disapproving of my posting about cheating, which apparently is a frowned upon activity, who even knew?? Your posts do offer so much beside that of course but thank you for opening my eyes. You are not wasting your time on this forum for sure!

[Redhead14]

I think a lot of people here don't know what playing devils advocate means as a phrase -- You are using that phrase to attempt to deflect us from seeing the fact that you are a wolf in sheep's clothing and using it to frame your question in such a way as to get answers that will support what you want to do -- in other words, it's BS.

 

You want to cheat on your girlfriend and want us to tell you that there is some theory under which attempting to have your cake and eat it too is somehow excusable. You want us to tell you it's OK because you DESERVE to screw around, you earned it after 30 years!!!! That kind of thinking is skewed and entitled and selfish . . . What will you have earned when you reach age 40 -- rape and/or murder someone? PALEEZE.

 

And, yes, some of us are angry because this is the kind of thinking that is making it miserable for people to date. It's contaminates the dating pool and the sanctity of marriage and relationships . . .

[smackie9]

I totally get that you feel you need to explore and have more sexual experiences. The thought of being with one person has caused you some anxiety about missing the train of any chance to try some strange. BUT your sexual issues lie within you, not the person you are with. I suggest you quit masturbating/ watching porn, and possibly seek out a therapist. Being with other women is not going to be your cure.

 

If you so desire to explore other options, that's fine, but don't involve your GF. She never asked to be cheated on or be with someone who is planning to> And most definitely doesn't deserve it. Tho you are asking for empathy/confirmation from others, I feel you should have empathy for the person you are about to hurt. Put yourself in her shoes....how would you feel if she blamed you for her sh*&^% sexual experiences and is looking into hooking up with a coworker because she feels she deserves it, waiting all her life for someone to finally know what they are doing in bed.

 

Just be honest with yourself.....breakup with her and go fill your boots.

[frigginlost]

So...

 

In reading your other threads (particularly the one of you being scared of being alone) you are now back here asking about whether or not you should cheat on someone who wants to be with you.

 

Nice.

 

Break up with your girlfriend and go get your damn head screwed on straight...

[jen1447]

Don't jump down my throat. I am devils advocate here. These are moral questions running through my mind. I feel like what will most likely happen is I will rebuff blondey, explain how it wasn't to be, and seal my fate as a virgin+1 forever. I love my gf and I fear what might change inside my own head if I cheat on her. I'm just interested in what y'all think.

 

Basic answer is this is fundamentally about lying to your GF (whether outwardly or by omission), never mind cheating. A relationship can't thrive or even really survive based on a foundation of dishonesty, so don't lie to your GF.

[ChickiePops]

If we're all dull and dumb..why are you bothering with us?

 

You're attempting to use big words and a rudimentary interest in psychology (or, and more likely, just arrogance and hormones) to justify humping anything that will spread its legs for you.

 

Sorry, but it's a lot less simple than you want to make it. You lost your virginity very late, you're curious about what you think you missed when you were younger, and you're looking for permission to have your cake and eat it too.

 

The bottom line is that cheating would make you a douche. Either dump your loving girlfriend and try your luck elsewhere or stay with your girlfriend and be good to her.

 

See? No analyzing needed. You're needlessly complicating a very simple situation for the sake of trying to make a bunch of strangers on the internet think you're deep and intelligent. How pathetic.

[insert_name]

Out of interest OP, what do you think your girlfriend sees in you? Genuinely curious.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ask your girlfriend what she thinks.

 

She's the one whose opinion should matter to you.

 

Read all the articles and cite all the celebrity anecdotes you want. It doesn't change the fact that you need to grow up and get real with yourself and your girlfriend.

[Dark Horse]

The best advice I can give you is to not cheat, don't ever cheat on somebody. It will only lead to extreme negative emotions. How would you like it if your girlfriend cheated on you? You'd be angry and heartbroken as sht! If you cheat on your girlfriend, it will definitely leave a huge emotional impact on her.

 

The only thing worse than being cheated on is watching your girlfriend cheating on you through a sextape on Pornhub.

 

 

And who knows, maybe you're simply not ready for a committed relationship yet, being in a long-term relationship definitely isn't for everyone. Maybe you need to sleep around and find out what it's like. But you have to ask yourself, do I want to take the risk of breaking up with this girl? Because what could happen is that you may not be in another relationship for a while and you may not even have sex all that much. Do you really want to break up with the first girl who gave you the time of day?

 

But yeah don't ever cheat, it will come back to bite you in the asss.

Edited August 23, 2016 by Dark Horse

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks all!

 

I think a lot of people here don't know what playing devils advocate means as a phrase,

 

I do! I do! But that doesn't apply here.

 

either that or I inhabited the role a little too fully.

 

By failing to announce thats what you were doing.

 

What interests me about the responses here is how only 1 or 2 actually explore any kind of psychological aspect like I wanted, and the rest are just angry.

 

People generally don't side with the abuser, and tend to be protective of the victim. Cheating is absolutely emotional abuse. So is plotting behind your partner's back.

 

I particularly like the one saying whether I do it or not, I am already cheating in my mind. It's a neat sentiment. Something to think about. Consider though; sex is pretty unimportant to me in the relationship, because I don't get off and frankly find the whole thing a lot of effort for no reward, except the pleasure of getting my gf off. It's other things that bind me to her. I accept it may be different in her mind. Were I to cheat it would not be to have sex, I wouldn't want to explain my problem to her or work up a sweat for nothing. It would just be to experience intimacy.

 

This makes it exactly ZERO percent better. That's why there are "emotional affairs" and "physical affairs," (and one night stands, and cyber affairs on and on.....50 ways to screw over your partner). Cheating, regardless of motive is a traumatic thing to endure. Typically cheaters haven't been on the receiving end of being cheated on, so they don't understand the trauma and think that their partner is "just too emotional about it. Dwelling. Etc."

 

In fact, it is widely claimed that the emotional aspect is harder for women to move past than the sexual. (It wasn't like that for me. Absolutely the sexual was far more brutal, to this day. In fact, the emotional affair would not have bothered me so much.)

 

I have many friends who cheat on their partner, men and women.

 

Sounds like you need better friends.

 

In some relationships it is the end, once exposed. In others it's barely a blip. Some of them have kids. One couple I knew, the woman cheated, the man left her, then he cheated on his next partner, then the original pair got back together with a fresh understanding. It's a fact of reality that eyes and minds wander.

 

That doesn't sound healthy at all. Especially the ones with kids. As a child of an adulterer, it completely screws with your sense of security and basically sets you up for dysfunctional relationships when you are older.

 

In the end someone here was right I think, this is just me who has bloomed late getting a big head and letting his ego get away just the same as if it happened when I was a teenager like it was supposed to. I don't wish to compromise my relationship, and even if it remained a secret, I would know myself, forever. That may end up bringing me a lot of anguish in life.

 

Probably......

In fact it may take a very long time to forgive yourself.

[dreamingoftigers]

There's plenty to explore. People here are just dull and only interested in attacking what they don't like to read.

 

Ironically enough, I often find cheaters dull. It's like they all read the same script.

 

"Biological imperative" "nobody's business" "we grew apart" "dead marriage" blah and blah and blah.

 

It's all pretty much justification soup. There's typically a long series of answers to it, by IME, those that cheat don't really mull over the logic and seek the next argument to justify it. I would say 10% think it through and turn back. For the rest, they pursue it like a drug anyway.

 

That's clearly visible by the fact everyone wants to say something about being a virgin. Truth is, I wasn't. I was raped in my teens which put me off women, and then had a particular set of life circumstances that isolated me from wholesome contact on my own terms. I spiritually rather than technically considered myself a virgin until I was with her, because she was the first woman I *chose* to be with.

 

I wouldn't consider being raped "de-virginizing." It's a completely different thing to give yourself over to someone than to be forced into it. My father was raped in his teen years as well. I'm sorry for that happening to you, because it ended up affecting my family as well, so I get it would have been highly traumatic.

 

The people trying to drag me on it don't know anything about my life and are embarrassing themselves without realising. The cause of my anhedonia during sex is an inability to dissociate it from my negative unwilling past experiences.

 

EMDR was a MIRACLE for me overcoming sexual trauma. I don't know if you've heard of it.

 

Some people would say the thought alone condemns me. Others would say it's only cheating if it involves actual sex. Others still would say the only important cheating isn't physical at all, it's when you're emotionally unfaithful. And meanwhile, Usain Bolt cheated on his betrothed in front of the world at the Olympics, and she doesn't mind, because they say "Jamaican culture is different".

 

If your girlfriend's values matched an open relationship, that would be different. It is crucial to find someone whose values matched yours, or else you are just screwing them over. There's no justification for that.

 

Have you read any articles out there now about the changing face of relationships and sex, in the post-internet, post-industrial, post-recession, post-womens emancipation world? It's fascinating stuff. The demise of men, the rise of women, the scarcity of eligible male partners and the blunt realities that forces on women if they want children. Suffice to say your childrens children aren't going to lead romantic lives recognisable by you.

 

Well, you better get out and cheat on your girlfriend because women's liberation is causing fewer reasonable men out there. And our grandchildren will make different relationship choices. Wait, what?

 

The Disney-fed bull**** we all believe in won't hold up anymore.

 

Poor Walt Disney, always shouldering the blame for society's downfall.

 

Girls can look forward to being poor single moms all boning the same guy, boys can look forward to destitution and suicide by 40. And we all did that to our kids, if not directly, by voting for the people that did.

 

I'm in Canada. We have Universal healthcare. If it gets that hyperbolically bad, move. Frankly, that's nuts.

 

I made the dinner arrangement to sit down with her about her troubled love life, bad ideas about suitable partners and why she can't pursue a man ten years older and in a relationship.

 

Typically, when im not intetested in a guy, I make sure to show it by arranging dinner with him and dissecting his love life.

 

It merely occurs to me that the situation is exploitable and unique in the way it applies to me because of my past. I'm interested in that. Truth is, I'd take far more smug satisfaction from rebuffing any advances she makes than I would pleasure from allowing them. She's pretty and thinks she gets what she wants. That's half the reason I set it up.

 

Yes. Good idea. Have dinner with someone that you want to cheat with to 'reject them.'

 

Be sure to use this as a reason to you girlfriend why you are meeting with this chick. Because that's totally NOT backpedaling and sounds totally believable.

 

The look on her face will fuel me for life.

 

Perhaps a stamp collecting hobby might be fulfilling? Because that only shows how much power her perception actually holds on you. She's that 'powerful' that you want to 'reject her' so you can feel just that much more awesome. Frankly I suspect pretty girls run into this weirdness a lot. A lot more than you would think.

 

Amongst my friends, colleagues and cohorts that's a rare idea. You guys here don't realise how in the minority you are I think. This place is an internet echo chamber where you've assembled to reflect your values back at yourselves. But don't worry, I'm on your side, after a fashion.

 

Do you actually read what you write and buy into it?

 

That must be tough.

[h0000]

I have to say there is something about women and married men. When guys are single they never seem to be noticed and soon as they get a girl friend, other girls start to flirt with them as well.

 

one of my friend got with a guy who was the "too plain to notice " type.He was humble at the beginning. But her affection and attention must have given him a big ego boost. Later on another girl Showed him interest and he jumped on it. He thought all the girls just can't get enough of him. In the end of course my friend dumped him and that girl disappeared quickly.

 

Moral of the story is, have a clear head and better judgement of yourself. And appreciate what you have

[TunaCat]

OP, you know what's dull, dumb and boring? Your condescension.

 

I just cannot understand what your girlfriend sees in you. You're condescending & entitled. Neither of those make for a healthy relationship.

 

Just break up with her and go have all the sex you seem to think you're entitled to.

 

Also, for what it's worth, I enjoy playing devil's advocate and you sure as hell weren't doing that.

[Dis]

You dont seem to have a conscious, morals or any empathy....judging from your post...you seem like a very strange, awkward, maladjusted man who suddenly thinks hes hot sh*t because he finally got laid

 

***You mentioned your gf does some pretty gross things to get you off...

 

I dont think "blondey" is going to be so willing...she probably thinks your just like every other guy that just wants easy peasey straight forward sex...she might be entirely grossed out when she finds out what you really need...I dont think sex with her is going to go well at all given all your strange issues

 

Good luck finding another woman whos willing to go to such great lengths to get you off

 

Break up with your gf now...you dont deserve her....and be ready for some serious sexual disappointments in the future

[Taramere]

In the end someone here was right I think, this is just me who has bloomed late getting a big head and letting his ego get away just the same as if it happened when I was a teenager like it was supposed to. I don't wish to compromise my relationship, and even if it remained a secret, I would know myself, forever. That may end up bringing me a lot of anguish in life.

 

There are lots and lots of guys out there who don't experience it as a teenager "like they're supposed to" - so you're far from being alone in that respect.

 

However, I think that you're hitting some self awareness there...that the combination of feeling that you missed out and suddenly being more attractive to women is resulting in your ego running out of control. It's a good plan to bring that ego back into check. If you do cheat on your girlfriend - who, from what you're saying, invested time and emotion in you when other women weren't willing to give you a chance, she's probably going to find out. You would be amazed how many signals a cheating man gives off without realising it.

 

Getting dumped for cheating, and then discovering that other women lose interest once the competition is off the scene, will bring your ego back into check like nothing else. Probably better for you that you avoid that scenario - and certainly more caring and respectful towards the woman who opened her heart to you when nobody else was showing much interest.