5 stages of Grief

[Grapesofwrath]

Lately I've been going through a bit of a rough patch. Hermiting. Sleeping. Feeling sad. I've been trying to understand what's going on with me, and today it occured to me that I may have reached a new stage of grieving the loss of the A. The five stages of grief as I understand them are:

1 - Denial.

2 - Anger.

3 - Bargaining.

4 - Depression. Also referred to as preparatory grieving. ...

5 - Acceptance.

 

Denial: Well, that's the A itself. You really have to be in denial to think it's a good idea to be involved in one. Then Anger when it ends. I was angry. Really angry. Totally nailed that stage! Bargaining...I think I did some bargaining during the A (maybe if this, maybe if that) though I'm not sure I did any afterward.

 

Depression: I think that's where I am now. Not fun, but perhaps necessary.

 

Acceptance: I feel it sometimes, then other times I get that same sadness and loneliness again.

 

Has anyone else been through it like this? I am staunchly maintaining NC, but I find myself thinking about him more over the past couple weeks than I had been in the month or two prior. Not sure what else to make of it.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Lately I've been going through a bit of a rough patch. Hermiting. Sleeping. Feeling sad. I've been trying to understand what's going on with me, and today it occured to me that I may have reached a new stage of grieving the loss of the A. The five stages of grief as I understand them are:

1 - Denial.

2 - Anger.

3 - Bargaining.

4 - Depression. Also referred to as preparatory grieving. ...

5 - Acceptance.

 

Denial: Well, that's the A itself. You really have to be in denial to think it's a good idea to be involved in one. Then Anger when it ends. I was angry. Really angry. Totally nailed that stage! Bargaining...I think I did some bargaining during the A (maybe if this, maybe if that) though I'm not sure I did any afterward.

 

Depression: I think that's where I am now. Not fun, but perhaps necessary.

 

Acceptance: I feel it sometimes, then other times I get that same sadness and loneliness again.

 

Has anyone else been through it like this? I am staunchly maintaining NC, but I find myself thinking about him more over the past couple weeks than I had been in the month or two prior. Not sure what else to make of it.

 

Yes. I think the stages are not linear, you can go back and forth. I guess denial was me not accepting it was over. That combined with bargaining, which was me basically saying I love you and begging for attention. Scraps. Depression was the whole time, it was extreme at the beginning, for about 5 months, I was borderline suicidal, I went on med, anxiety attacks if I saw someone who looked like xMM. I cried nightly for months.

 

Anger came later for me, not till after month 5. Anger was at him and at myself.

 

I think as I am in month 8 now, I am approaching acceptance, though I hate him. I see him and hate him. I suppose that is not pure acceptance. I do not sit around anymore hating him but when I see him, I think bad thoughts.

[RedOlive]

Yes, I find that the non-linear experience of the grief stages can feel tricky. I'm about three month NC and bouncing between bargaining and depression every few days. Never got to anger, not really. Not yet anyway. I though I saw a little preview of acceptance, but now I think it was more of a disguised bargaining...

[Grey Cloud]

Lately I've been going through a bit of a rough patch. Hermiting. Sleeping. Feeling sad. I've been trying to understand what's going on with me, and today it occured to me that I may have reached a new stage of grieving the loss of the A. The five stages of grief as I understand them are:

1 - Denial.

2 - Anger.

3 - Bargaining.

4 - Depression. Also referred to as preparatory grieving. ...

5 - Acceptance.

 

Denial: Well, that's the A itself. You really have to be in denial to think it's a good idea to be involved in one. Then Anger when it ends. I was angry. Really angry. Totally nailed that stage! Bargaining...I think I did some bargaining during the A (maybe if this, maybe if that) though I'm not sure I did any afterward.

 

Depression: I think that's where I am now. Not fun, but perhaps necessary.

 

Acceptance: I feel it sometimes, then other times I get that same sadness and loneliness again.

 

Has anyone else been through it like this? I am staunchly maintaining NC, but I find myself thinking about him more over the past couple weeks than I had been in the month or two prior. Not sure what else to make of it.

 

I think you have nailed it and I am in the same stage as you. I think I was in denial a little bit as well when it was ending but the anger was intense!! I was so incredibly angry! I still have flashes of anger but I am mainly angry at myself - for being duped and getting caught up in an affair in the first place. For thinking I was special rather than viewing myself as a fun side price. Knowing that it wouldn't have mattered which other woman showed interest in him he would have pounced regardless. Feeling sorry for his wife who he also dupes!

 

Now I mainly alternate between sadness and acceptance. Today I went to a coffee place near work where him and I used to frequent back in the day and I felt on the verge of tears. It's all irrational because he is a narcissist and a manipulator and I don't want someone like that in my life. I also am in strict NC but every day I think of contacting him (more so than at the beginning of NC). I hope that feeling passes soon of wanting to reach out even though I know it won't achieve anything.

[jen1447]

Not a psychologist but my take on the grief thing is this - aside from the stages not being linear, ppl tend to cookie cut and want to identify with x-y-z stage and predict their recovery, for obvs reasons - it symbolizes an end to the pain if you can quantify it that way and so on. Problem is it doesn't really work like that as far as I can see. All those things just are, they're not really on any schedule and they don't abide by your beliefs or hopes or agree to help launch you at points you feel you're ready.

 

Grapes, looking at it from the outside in, I have a feeling your problem is sth else, namely that you haven't yet put together a solid basis on which to heal properly. You can put all the time in you want, but time heals like cauterization. It's not really 'good' healing necessarily in itself, that only happens w time and rebuilding the fundamentals of a healthy life - meaningful relationships, a solid core social group and a secure place in it, etc.

 

In that context, identifying w random grief stage really isn't meaningful bc not only is it possibly or even probably inaccurate, it wouldn't mean what you think or hope it would anyway. You need your feet back under you in a substantial way before any of that can really take.

[whatever29]

I suppose included in the acceptance is also forgetting about him. When he's so far past in your mind that it doesn't matter. I am slowly getting there. There's no use going round and round on the other stages. We will never know if the truth, so why bother trying to fit the jigsaw puzzle together. It was a mess, I survived and I'm free. I can get angry, but it doesn't get me anywhere. I'd love to tell him and his W what a POS he is, but there's no point. I can't hold on to that anger. It doesn't get me anywhere. I'm tired of depression and it's time I start treating myself better.

 

It's a very hard road...I wish anyone on the verge of an A would heed our warnings. Alas, many must learn for themselves. I thought our A was different too. I believed the lies and thought he was different. My favorite line of his, I'm not having an affair because I truly love you. Yeah...whatever.

 

Be good to yourselves...take your time with these steps, if you need to. It's ok to cry, if you need to. There was a reason we have gone through this and it has made us stronger. Know that there are good people out there who do love unconditionally and you will find them. Don't let your heart be jaded. Love yourself...even though it seems one of the hardest things to do. I will never give up hope and will keep searching.

[OneLov]

IMO, the Five Stages do not apply to an ambiguous loss like you've experienced.

[Poppy47]

IMO, the Five Stages do not apply to an ambiguous loss like you've experienced.

I agree.

 

Coming to terms with the loss of a long term AP is nothing like normal grief at all. It isn't shared and there is not support because I can't tell anyone.

 

I was thinking about MM last night and imagining all the things I would really like to say to him....I suddenly thought WTF? Why would I bother. It didn't matter for 8 years so I forgot about it.

 

Think I am getting over him. Still have thoughts about him but then I realise there is not point at all.

 

Poppy.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I would really like to get to the anger stage. I honestly don't know how I feel right now. I think sad is probably the closest, disappointed maybe. I expected more from him. So silly. To expect anything from an AP.

 

Question for those in strict NC: Do you have them blocked or are you just not contacting them? I fully blocked my AP so I wouldn't have any temptation to write to him (though right now all I want to do is tell him off. Maybe I do have a little of the anger. Lol). Mostly though I wanted to stop myself from checking his social media and to see if he was on our texting app. I was doing it multiple times a day and it was exhausting bc it was just beating myself up. I couldn't stomach it any more.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I would really like to get to the anger stage. I honestly don't know how I feel right now. I think sad is probably the closest, disappointed maybe. I expected more from him. So silly. To expect anything from an AP.

 

Question for those in strict NC: Do you have them blocked or are you just not contacting them? I fully blocked my AP so I wouldn't have any temptation to write to him (though right now all I want to do is tell him off. Maybe I do have a little of the anger. Lol). Mostly though I wanted to stop myself from checking his social media and to see if he was on our texting app. I was doing it multiple times a day and it was exhausting bc it was just beating myself up. I couldn't stomach it any more.

 

I have FB blocked but that is for me, not him. He is not going to PM me, he rarely uses FB. I just don't want to see any pictures of he and his wife in my feed. He is not going to text me as he is aware that the number would show up on my bill. The only way he can contact me is email, and I can't block him for various reasons. That said, I have been ignoring his emails, even ones which appear business-like. I simply do not respond. It doesn't matter what he may write me, I won't respond.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I agree.

 

Coming to terms with the loss of a long term AP is nothing like normal grief at all. It isn't shared and there is not support because I can't tell anyone.

 

I was thinking about MM last night and imagining all the things I would really like to say to him....I suddenly thought WTF? Why would I bother. It didn't matter for 8 years so I forgot about it.

 

Think I am getting over him. Still have thoughts about him but then I realise there is not point at all.

 

Poppy.

 

I don't know. The first two months, it was like someone died. My grief was palatable. I cried every night. It was pretty real on my end. He said he was upset too but you are right, it wasn't shared. He meant more to me than I ever meant to him.

 

I'm getting over him too.

[Lobe]

I feel like the 5 stages and the 7 stages of grief models are a bit too death-oriented. While the end of a relationship is kind of like a death, the nuances are far more complex. I found this http://www.adultorphan.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/cycle-of-grief.jpg and my only complaint is the same as with the other models in that, as jen14 mentioned, they erroneously give the illusion of the process being linear when really it probably looks more like a bumble bee waggle dance.

 

I will say that the pain of my mother's death was "easier" to manage than the grief of WH's betrayal.

[lemondrop21]

I've recently started grieving the fact that for basically a year I was not myself at all - not in terms of my career, friends, anything. It's like I lost a year of my life. That's what I'm grieving right now.

 

And yes I'm still going through the stages in regards to xMM, I think I'm best at the anger stage and wish I could pass some of that anger off to some of you who are craving it

[MidnightBlue1980]

I've recently started grieving the fact that for basically a year I was not myself at all - not in terms of my career, friends, anything. It's like I lost a year of my life. That's what I'm grieving right now.

 

And yes I'm still going through the stages in regards to xMM, I think I'm best at the anger stage and wish I could pass some of that anger off to some of you who are craving it

 

I had that anger. I really am lucky I am not in prison. The anger was immense. If I talk to him, it will come back.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I've recently started grieving the fact that for basically a year I was not myself at all - not in terms of my career, friends, anything. It's like I lost a year of my life. That's what I'm grieving right now.

 

And yes I'm still going through the stages in regards to xMM, I think I'm best at the anger stage and wish I could pass some of that anger off to some of you who are craving it

 

Yup. I stopped working out and started (emotionally) eating more. I haven't seen my friends as much. I ruined quite a few friendships in fact. But I'm working really hard on getting myself back on track: working out again, eating right, making plans with people. I think that's why it's hard for me to get mad right now: I'm too busy trying to make myself happy. I just don't have room for it. But boy, it would be a lot nicer than the sadness I've been feeling here and there.

 

I don't know what it is but when I turned 40 people told me I would stop giving a f**k. And even though this is upsetting and I've certainly cried (and watched sad scenes in movies over and over) I know that it's not the same as break ups I had when I was younger. The crying and sadness is just not sustained in the same way. Which is such a relief. I remember Mindy Kaling writing about breakups (I think in her last book) and she said that she would allow herself to cry for a short time and then done, moving on. She said she just doesn't have the time for it anymore. I mean, I'm certainly not as busy as she is (or as cool) but I get it now.

[OneLov]

I feel like the 5 stages and the 7 stages of grief models are a bit too death-oriented.

 

I will say that the pain of my mother's death was "easier" to manage than the grief of WH's betrayal.

 

Exactly. The Kubler-Ross model was developed from research of patients with terminal illness processing the grief associated with their diagnosis. In short, it may explain anticipatory grief that is associated with ordinary (definite) individual loss.

 

Five Fallacies of Grief: Debunking Psychological Stages - Scientific American

 

Ambiguous losses are relational losses. There are two types. OW/OM would fit into Type I; BS's would fit into Type II. The strategy for healing is much different. Ambiguous losses do not provide closure. The goal is to build resiliency and temper mastery. Acceptance is learning to live with the conflict.

 

Ambiguous Loss The Experience of Loss without Closure Oct 17 2013

 

If I may use Lobe's situation as an example. Death is complete and defined; we know what the loss entails. We have cultural rituals that confirm and initiate mourning process, i.e. funerals. There is often support because death is a loss that everyone will experience and can understand.

 

Lobe's marriage is still physically present but her husband's infidelity has caused a psychological change. People on the outside will not understand this as a loss. Why? Because he is still there and they are reconciling. But there are things that are irrevocably lost forever. What are they? ...

 

That's the thing, you cannot define it, but it's still there. You may not even experience or realize the loss yet. But there are no cultural rituals to confirm the loss. If anything there is more cultural shaming for ambiguous losses. Shaming results from such platitudes being expressed like, "well it could be worse," or "You should be lucky for 'x'," etc.

 

There are no cute little stages that bring order over chaos. No bullet points to simplify and package human emotion. No road map to give comfort to those navigating uncharted territory.

 

Sometimes we must realize we are alone and vulnerable. That should be enough get rid of the idea time heals all our wounds and motivate us to heal ourselves before we run out of time.

[lemondrop21]

Yup. I stopped working out and started (emotionally) eating more. I haven't seen my friends as much. I ruined quite a few friendships in fact. But I'm working really hard on getting myself back on track: working out again, eating right, making plans with people. I think that's why it's hard for me to get mad right now: I'm too busy trying to make myself happy. I just don't have room for it. But boy, it would be a lot nicer than the sadness I've been feeling here and there.

 

I don't know what it is but when I turned 40 people told me I would stop giving a f**k. And even though this is upsetting and I've certainly cried (and watched sad scenes in movies over and over) I know that it's not the same as break ups I had when I was younger. The crying and sadness is just not sustained in the same way. Which is such a relief. I remember Mindy Kaling writing about breakups (I think in her last book) and she said that she would allow herself to cry for a short time and then done, moving on. She said she just doesn't have the time for it anymore. I mean, I'm certainly not as busy as she is (or as cool) but I get it now.

 

Yup, the losing touch with friends thing rings true although I've kept up some friendships, fortunately - but it was easiest to keep up the friendships with the couple of girlfriends who knew about the A because I could be authentic with them. Of course I pulled away somewhat from the others... it just feels awkward.

 

I have a girlfriend who is unfortunately in an A (the guy is going through the divorce process, supposedly...) and she has pulled away hard from basically all of her girlfriends, even me. I am so afraid to see what happens to her if he doesn't follow through with the divorce because this man has become her entire life.

 

With me, the way I distanced myself from people at work was very pronounced. People must think I'm insane. I don't have the kind of relationship with my boss that I wish I had, nor do I have the reputation that I wish I had (because this was a work affair). xMM was able to compartmentalize enough that he got a promotion, unfortunately I was unable to do the same.

 

I'm glad you're taking care of you and moving on and not caring as much as you did pre-40. Trust me though, the anger is very difficult too so don't wish for it... it makes you want to contact them and give them an earful which is counterproductive at best

[rainbowsandkittens]

Last week when he stopped contacting me (after I told him he clearly did not give a f about me), I desperately wanted to email him and tell him off. I have never ever ever gotten mean with him. Even our breakups: I just took it, said nice things and wished him well. But now? After he gave me these bs lines about how the time for us not to talk is over, how he always wants to be my friend, etc etc... I am done. I had all these things written in my head and then just thought... it's not worth it. I don't want to hear what he has to say bc it's only going to make me feel worse (best case scenario he says he's sorry, he was trapped under something heavy, he was working things out and missed me. Reality is he would say something like: we're working things out, I told you I wasn't interested in you anymore, you don't mean anything to me, etc.) So, really, why bother? It would just make me look bad and feel worse.

 

I still sort of want to though

[Lobe]

So, really, why bother? It would just make me look bad and feel worse.

 

I still sort of want to though

 

Write it but don't hit send - print it out and burn it. I'll grab some of my WH's socks and burn them on the same day. Anyone else feel like setting some sh*t on fire?

[rainbowsandkittens]

Write it but don't hit send - print it out and burn it. I'll grab some of my WH's socks and burn them on the same day. Anyone else feel like setting some sh*t on fire?

 

Deal. Though I did write a long (long, long, long, oh it was so gdamn long) letter to him in a journal when we first broke up.* So I'm not sure how much I have in me. But since you can see how much I write on here.... probably still a lot, who am I kidding? LOL.

 

*Thank you, Baggage Reclaim. And, yes, I am apparently a 13 year old girl.

[Lobe]

Deal. Though I did write a long (long, long, long, oh it was so gdamn long) letter to him in a journal when we first broke up.* So I'm not sure how much I have in me. But since you can see how much I write on here.... probably still a lot, who am I kidding? LOL.

 

*Thank you, Baggage Reclaim. And, yes, I am apparently a 13 year old girl.

 

I think "setting stuff on fire" safely falls under "anger" but what stage of "grief" is feeling like a 13yo girl? lol

[rainbowsandkittens]

I think "setting stuff on fire" safely falls under "anger" but what stage of "grief" is feeling like a 13yo girl? lol

 

 

The Rose Colored Glasses one.

 

(Though in that instance I was referring to writing in my journal. I was in Home Goods recently and saw a fluffy one with a castle and "Happily Ever After" written on it. I am not going to lie and say I did not consider getting it. I did take a picture of it.)

[Lobe]

The Rose Colored Glasses one.

 

(Though in that instance I was referring to writing in my journal. I was in Home Goods recently and saw a fluffy one with a castle and "Happily Ever After" written on it. I am not going to lie and say I did not consider getting it. I did take a picture of it.)

 

Oh, I LOVE me a fresh new journal. My favourite one is all paisley and sparkly and has a puffy unicorn with a real fur mane... don't judge.

[rainbowsandkittens]

Oh, I LOVE me a fresh new journal. My favourite one is all paisley and sparkly and has a puffy unicorn with a real fur mane... don't judge.

 

The only thing I'm judging is where I need to look to get one. I just bought myself a glittery stuffed unicorn that you can microwave and smells like lavender. Magic.

 

Sorry, this is off topic.

[Grey Cloud]

Last week when he stopped contacting me (after I told him he clearly did not give a f about me), I desperately wanted to email him and tell him off. I have never ever ever gotten mean with him. Even our breakups: I just took it, said nice things and wished him well. But now? After he gave me these bs lines about how the time for us not to talk is over, how he always wants to be my friend, etc etc... I am done. I had all these things written in my head and then just thought... it's not worth it. I don't want to hear what he has to say bc it's only going to make me feel worse (best case scenario he says he's sorry, he was trapped under something heavy, he was working things out and missed me. Reality is he would say something like: we're working things out, I told you I wasn't interested in you anymore, you don't mean anything to me, etc.) So, really, why bother? It would just make me look bad and feel worse.

 

I still sort of want to though

 

I've wanted to write the same email. I have in the past. But there is no point. All it achieves is him thinking (and making you feel like) that you are crazy/irrational/dramatic. Silence is better.