Is Cheating Ever OK?

[NeotericJack]

Every thing we do is selfish. I choose to make cookies for my family because it makes me feel good seeing them happy. I choose to be faithful for selfish reasons - it's because I don't want to feel the guilt and shame and pain. I choose to be a good mother for selfish reasons - because I want to look back knowing I did my best to give them a good life. The cheater is cheating out of selfishness, not a desire to protect the spouse, with maybe the exception of a spouse being a vegetable. The cheater does not want to hurt the person they made vows to for selfish reasons as well. You're not ever going to convince me that someone is a f*cking martyr for banging some other woman out of kindness and sincere concern for her well-being - it's because they don't want to feel guilty for hurting their partner and being too much of a coward to admit they have narcisitic tendencies lol

 

We have to agree to disagree. I think you're wrong. There is good even in cheaters.

[Lobe]

We have to agree to disagree. I think you're wrong. There is good even in cheaters.

 

I know. I'm married to one, and thank goodness he doesn't have any disordered thinking patterns that allow him to convince himself he was just protecting me... lol

[Osmium13]

That's just not so. Even a cheater can have regard for his or her spouse. The cheater cheats to satisfy his or her own needs not to hurt the spouse.

 

When you've got to the point that you're prepared to look at other people to satisfy your needs, then you have to face up to the state of the relationship. IMO what you're suggesting here is the "have your cake and eat it" route. I'm reading this as either you ain't getting enough, or you've got designs on someone else and are attempting to justify acting on those feelings. If that's the case, I think you're being dishonest with yourself - let alone your OH.

 

One of your early posts on this thread suggests that both parties know the relationship is dead. If so, why continue with it? If there's children involved, would you want them to grow up thinking it's the norm to have no love in a relationship and to sweep your problems under the carpet instead of dealing with them?

 

Apologies if this is wide of the mark, that's just my interpretation based on what you've said.

[mizunomead]

simple really. have a discussion with your partner. let them choose if they want to work on the marriage with you, allow you to see other people or leave you.

[Arieswoman]

Neoteric Jack post #39

 

The cheater cheats to satisfy his or her own needs not to hurt the spouse.

 

That's a cop-out.

 

My cheating exH told me "It wasn't done deliberately to hurt you" - whaaaat?!

 

If the cheater is so far up their own fundement that they truly can't envisage the fallout from their actions, then IMO they have some kind of a personality disorder.

 

IMO all cheaters have some idea of the upset that exposure would cause, they are just either stupid, arrogant (or both) and believe that they won't get caught.

[Arieswoman]

Elaine post #42,

 

But only a fool would think he was not hurting his spouse, whether she/he knows about the cheating or not.

Most BSs report a change in the behaviour of the WS and it is rarely for the good

.

 

It was the change in behaviour of my cheating exH that made me suspicious, however, he "gaslighted" me and tried to persuade me that I was imagining it.

 

I will always say it was the deliberate cruelty of the gaslighting that hurt more than the actual cheating.

 

After I was divorced I was involved in a LTR with a chap who cheated from the very start. I never suspected as thing as he was always kind and attentive. He confessed and I walked without a backward glance. Yes, it hurt, but not as much as having my reality distorted by a self-serving cheater

[NeotericJack]

:lmao:

 

You seem bitter. Maybe you're not looking at the situation impartially.

[NeotericJack]

... One of your early posts on this thread suggests that both parties know the relationship is dead. If so, why continue with it? If there's children involved, would you want them to grow up thinking it's the norm to have no love in a relationship and to sweep your problems under the carpet instead of dealing with them?

 

Apologies if this is wide of the mark, that's just my interpretation based on what you've said.

 

You are wide of the mark. While the relationship is unsatisfying, it stills serves a purpose to both partners. Burdening it with the knowledge of infidelity will serve them less than allowing it to continue.

[NeotericJack]

Neoteric Jack post #39

 

That's a cop-out.

 

My cheating exH told me "It wasn't done deliberately to hurt you" - whaaaat?!

 

If the cheater is so far up their own fundement that they truly can't envisage the fallout from their actions, then IMO they have some kind of a personality disorder.

 

IMO all cheaters have some idea of the upset that exposure would cause, they are just either stupid, arrogant (or both) and believe that they won't get caught.

 

I think they can envision the trouble they would cause. That's why they try to keep the affair secret and it may not be just to save themselves. They know their partner and want to keep them from grief they may not be able to handle. Why should that be surprising? They may have spent decades with the partner have some regard for their well-being.

[NeotericJack]

I've been away from this thread for a few days trying to do some reading on this subject. I learned that may women who have affairs have not intention of divorcing their husbands and say their marriages are happy. They just need something more than they're getting. They don't to replace the marriage. They want to supplement it. That's not common for men but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

[BlueIris]

Is cheating ever OK.

 

Can you imagine any circumstance where cheating would be acceptable?

 

Yeah, I saw someone in a situation in which I thought infidelity was understandable. It’s a very narrow exception. His wife had advanced alzheimer’s and he wanted her to have full health insurance for the rest of her life. It’s very narrow. But I think his "cheating" was fine. (No, I didn't date him.)

[PrettyEmily77]

You are wide of the mark. While the relationship is unsatisfying, it stills serves a purpose to both partners. Burdening it with the knowledge of infidelity will serve them less than allowing it to continue.

 

It serves no purpose to the one who's being lied to because it's all happening behind their back. How can they benefit from something they don't know is going on, and that they would most likely disapprove of if they knew?

 

Besides, that's a call the betrayed partner should be allowed to make in full awareness.

 

That stuff serves as a convenient justification for the one doing the betraying, though...

[NeotericJack]

It serves no purpose to the one who's being lied to because it's all happening behind their back. How can they benefit from something they don't know is going on, and that they would most likely disapprove of if they knew? ...

 

They benefit from not being hurt by it and the affair may save the marriage. Even it it isn't ideal, a relatively stable marriage can serve them. Consider all the stories we hear of men having mistresses for years and everyone knowing about everyone else. Everyone gets something from the relationships.

[maryquitecontrary]

I can't think of a situation where it would be considered "okay", but maybe understandable? I think it was understandable in my previous situation. I had been faithful 17 years prior, I was asking attorney after attorney to help me get a divorce and nobody would because he was a well-known divorce attorney that they were all friends with, I had told my husband beforehand that I was seeking a divorce and planning to separate-- I just couldn't make it happen legally, and my husband hadn't touched me in years, but there was another man that came into the picture who made me feel desirable whereas my husband was making me feel like I didn't even exist.

 

Yes, it was wrong. Yes, I should have waited until I was officially separated. I did hold off the physical aspect of cheating for 7 months before finally giving in. It took a horrible desperate situation to push me over the edge and finally convince a divorce attorney to take my case against him. I think that's really sad. But, there's no going back now.

[NeotericJack]

I can't think of a situation where it would be considered "okay", but maybe understandable? I think it was understandable in my previous situation. I had been faithful 17 years prior, I was asking attorney after attorney to help me get a divorce and nobody would because he was a well-known divorce attorney that they were all friends with, I had told my husband beforehand that I was seeking a divorce and planning to separate-- I just couldn't make it happen legally, and my husband hadn't touched me in years, but there was another man that came into the picture who made me feel desirable whereas my husband was making me feel like I didn't even exist.

 

Yes, it was wrong. Yes, I should have waited until I was officially separated. I did hold off the physical aspect of cheating for 7 months before finally giving in. It took a horrible desperate situation to push me over the edge and finally convince a divorce attorney to take my case against him. I think that's really sad. But, there's no going back now.

 

I've been doing some reading on this subject and I'd have to say your situation (other than the problem with the lawyers) wasn't all that unusual. Men have affairs for sex. Women have affairs for emotional fulfillment. They seek partners who make them feel good about themselves, attractive and desirable, rather than partners for sex only.

 

And I don't think it was wrong. You have right to a full life.

[Kkristine]

No. If you've ever been a victim of cheating, you'd understand why my answer is simply: NO.

 

 

THIS x 1000.

[Arieswoman]

NJ, #59

 

They may have spent decades with the partner have some regard for their well-being.

 

IMO that's ^^^ BS. If they had any "regard for their well-being" then they wouldn't be cheating in the first place.

 

Let's call out cheating for what it is - a direct attack on the emotional investment the other person has made in a relationship. An attack on the most damaging level that, to actually face ( and deal with) it’s direct consequences, would equally debilitate the cheater.

 

Almost all of the actions and subsequent explanations by the cheater, serve the purpose of self-protection for the cheater.

 

As all cheaters have some narcissistic tendencies cheater will take whatever steps are required to keep intact their self image. And that includes re-writing history

[Fugu]

There may be times when the path to infidelity is more understandable, but it's never acceptable. I don't demonize people who stray or get tangled in affairs -- we're human. But dishonesty is not the way to resolve problems in relationships or problems with ourselves.

[Fugu]

I've been doing some reading on this subject and I'd have to say your situation (other than the problem with the lawyers) wasn't all that unusual. Men have affairs for sex. Women have affairs for emotional fulfillment. They seek partners who make them feel good about themselves, attractive and desirable, rather than partners for sex only.

 

And I don't think it was wrong. You have right to a full life.

 

I think your post is a little simplistic. Both men and women end up in affairs for emotional reasons. Some men do it for the sex, but there's usually a blow to the ego involved as well.

 

"I wish she would stop nagging me about every little thing I do wrong -- I'm never good enough in her eyes. My secretary who's 20 years younger, on the other hand, always brings me coffee the way I like it and compliments my sharp attire, and talks about how worldly I am."

 

That kinda stuff.

 

Cheating is probably tempting, but open and honest communication -- and a willingness to listen -- are probably far better for your marriage, and your general well-being.

[elaine567]

Consider all the stories we hear of men having mistresses for years and everyone knowing about everyone else. .

But if everyone knows and is fine with it. then that isn't cheating is it?

[NeotericJack]

There may be times when the path to infidelity is more understandable, but it's never acceptable. I don't demonize people who stray or get tangled in affairs -- we're human. But dishonesty is not the way to resolve problems in relationships or problems with ourselves.

 

The relationship may not be salvageable and the affair not intended to save it but to give some relief to the cheater.

[ChickiePops]

If both people know the marriage is dead then why not just discuss it first and agree that you can both sleep with other people instead of cheating?

[elaine567]

The relationship may not be salvageable and the affair not intended to save it but to give some relief to the cheater.

 

And what about the BS, do they not deserve some "relief", or is it just all about the cheater, who cares about anyone else?

 

Cheating ruins people's lives, try reading some of the BH and BW's posts and threads, to see how deep that hurt extends.

[road]

If both people know the marriage is dead then why not just discuss it first and agree that you can both sleep with other people instead of cheating?

 

 

Wrong, so wrong.

 

 

If even one person knows the marriage is dead then the come to meeting Jesus talk must take place to get the marriage healthy again or get a divorce. Those are the right choices to be made.

 

 

Cheating never is.

[Osmium13]

I'm starting to doubt my earlier opinions now.

 

I wouldn't go as far as saying cheating is ever ok, but after reading about a lot of different situations in here; I'm thinking that there are different types of cheating and that some are worse than others.