Trigger after a long time without any

[BetrayedH]

All I know is that it also depends on who says it. If my WH said it or even the OW (because in my case she's a family member and did say it), I might be sentenced to life without parole in the aftermath.

 

I certainly think that it very much depends on who the messenger is here. If a wayward ever said that a BS needs to "get over it," they'd receive a virtual lynching here. That said, I think we need to acknowledge that a BS that wants to reconcile needs to see a path towards being able to "get over it." If they don't, then I seriously question if it's a marriage they should remain in. There may be some exceptions (such as Drifter) where the BS has other reasons to remain.

 

But fundamentally, I've often said I think it takes two things to successfully reconcile: (1) a truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Both are a very tall order and it takes a long time to detemine either of them.

 

I think Red has reached a point where both items are affirmed. And so I'd see triggers as an somewhat unpredictable, but otherwise anticipated, hiccup and she shouldn't give them any more credence than that.

 

To be clear (and to your point), if her wayward were in any way implying that she needs to get over it, I'd be singing a different tune for her.

[Red123]

well, true, it's all in how you understand it what helps.

 

But isn't that what a trigger is (part in bold)?

 

All I know is that it also depends on who says it. If my WH said it or even the OW (because in my case she's a family member and did say it), I might be sentenced to life without parole in the aftermath.

 

Yes, I understand the other you said. There came a point for me that I desperately just wanted to heal and 'get off the couch' as I think of it - and did.

 

I think you are right that it depends on who says it. The two posters that said that, I feel are both genuine and want to help so I took it just as I explained. If my H said it that way I think I would not be so open to it either. It is what i want though to not be consumed, to shrug off the thoughts and move forward.

[Red123]

Perhaps my approach was indelicate. I'm also admittedly not the best advisor on triggers within a long-term reconciliation. My real point was simply to keep them in perspective, to not allow them to derail a successful reconciliation. They're going to happen; it's unavoidable. Just don't allow them to dominate your mind or consume too much of your time. Maybe my experience also colors my advice. I certainly still have triggers from time to time. I have no wayward to share the experience with me. Honestly, I've learned to shrug them off.

 

Perhaps in some reconciliations it's important to share your triggers, to process them together, and so forth. That may be especially true for those BSs with a WS that doesn't really "get it."

 

I'm not really sure that's the case with Red. And I'd hate to see her over-analyze this speed bump.

 

I do think there's (some) merit to Road's concern about NC. While I get that jobs are difficult to replace, I think an affair merits a dramatic amount of effort to recover. Breaches in NC are a threat to the marriage and they create anxiety in a BS. Red shouldn't be subjected to them and her H should ensure that she's not subjected to them. I think it's wise for her and her H to reconsider their choice about his workplace. But I trust that they'll make the best choice for them.

 

I didn't think it was indelicate at all. I posted here after H and I discussed it at length so I guess that's processing it. Don't get me wrong, I do see roads point for sure, and I don't think it's bad advice. I feel that it is up to my H to keep his boundaries and to show that he has Infact changed and to keep the commitments we have made. So if he goes back into an affair after one email about work then he hasn't changed at all, and that's on him. Regardless of where he works he could be tempted and its up to him to fight that. I know it's hard for people to believe but his affair really had nothing to do with the MOW. We were not in the same place we are now and we have worked really hard to be here. If he chose to give that up then as I said before, I don't want him. In our reconciliation he has had opportunities such as this email to show he has changed, and that for me has been helpful in regaining trust, because if he was never tested how would either of us know how he would react. He has done well with all of her past attempts at contact, so for now I feel fine with our choice. Just need to get through the triggers sometimes:)

[aileD]

I'm glad you guys were able to talk about it, that's what's important.

 

Today I had to call a hospital to get a copy of a bill I have there. I figured I'd dispute the bill because what they did to me in the ER caused me to have to have a surgery to undo it and caused me all these other bills. So I figured I'd just ask for it to be reviewed on the chance they'll forgive the debt because they messed me up more.

 

I knew x-OW's mother worked for the hospital, but not that she was in charge of reviewing claims like mine. The woman said her name and that she'd be calling me back and I was like..ugh. No...I don't want to deal with her, is there anyone else? Of course not. So I tried to just say "forget it, I'll pay it"...but the woman was insistent, until I finally just blurted out "her daughter had an affair with my husband, I don't want to talk to her".

 

That shut her up quickly.

[Red123]

I'm glad you guys were able to talk about it, that's what's important.

 

Today I had to call a hospital to get a copy of a bill I have there. I figured I'd dispute the bill because what they did to me in the ER caused me to have to have a surgery to undo it and caused me all these other bills. So I figured I'd just ask for it to be reviewed on the chance they'll forgive the debt because they messed me up more.

 

I knew x-OW's mother worked for the hospital, but not that she was in charge of reviewing claims like mine. The woman said her name and that she'd be calling me back and I was like..ugh. No...I don't want to deal with her, is there anyone else? Of course not. So I tried to just say "forget it, I'll pay it"...but the woman was insistent, until I finally just blurted out "her daughter had an affair with my husband, I don't want to talk to her".

 

That shut her up quickly.

 

So what happened? Dos she give you someone else to talk to to? Dont just pay it, there must be someone else that can help you. This is an example of how far these things can stretch. You shouldn't have to not do the things you need to do because of this.

[aileD]

So what happened? Dos she give you someone else to talk to to? Dont just pay it, there must be someone else that can help you. This is an example of how far these things can stretch. You shouldn't have to not do the things you need to do because of this.

 

 

 

You make a good point. Maybe I'll try again in a few weeks. Husband did say that OWs mom did get a new job, she apparently hasn't started yet if she's still there though.

 

I'll try again. You're right. I shouldn't have to deal with this.

[Lion Heart]

Triggers are one of the worst part of post D Day life because they happen any time with any event or any setting UNTIL.....and that's the rub.

 

My triggers reduced approx 90% after I decided to end the M. Another 5% after I finally got the VVVVVWH (about 25 OWs) out.

 

Just sayin' in case anyone's on the fence.

 

Staying in R is kind of like staying in a war zone hoping for peace. Even after a truce.

 

Though what I learnt alot about tonight helped me understand the past more, triggers to be precise. I'm not sure if it'll help, but I sure hope so.

 

It's THE PART of the brain that's triggered. I call it the Reptilian section. The Fright / Flight / Freeze part.

 

When we're trying to RESOLVE these triggers RATIONALLY then we're activating a HIGHER ORDER part of the brain. I'll call it the Executive because it kindof bosses the other parts around to REASON.

 

So it makes PERFECT sense WHY long held advice is for the WS to change jobs etc etc.

 

There will always be potential worse triggers to deal with if this is not done.

 

Same with ALL OTHER "What a WS must do to heal the M ...."

 

IF they are not followed through to a T then there'll always be worse triggers.

 

After all, a M in reconciliation in any case will have triggers accompanying them. No matter what.

 

And it's an isolating feeling being the BS, knowing you are the one who's affected the most by far.

 

I hope you find peace one day.

 

Lion Heart

[Red123]

Thanks Lionheart. I agree there will always be triggers but I also believe that I have to be able to deal with them in order to move forward. I am happy for you that you feel better, and that you made the right choice for you. I wish you well.