Less Common Retroactive Jealousy?

[Exformer]

What I've come across about retroactive jealousy tends to focus on a person's problem handling the number of people their SO slept with... not my issue. My issue is with the kind of sex/kinks in at least one past relationship which does not occur in ours. Never had this problem before and could use some advice.

 

I (34m) don't care how many people my SO (28f) slept with before we met. She didn't know me, I wasn't an option, and sex and relationships are a normal part of life. It's not even experimenting sexually that bothers me. These are acts were things they did on several occasions. If she expressed herself sexually in a similar manor in our relationship, or if I wasn't interested in those kind of sexual acts, there would not be an issue.

 

I did not ask about her past sex life (old enough to know way better than that). Among other things, her friends gabbed too much when we first started dating and it snowballed. I would rather have scratched my brain with a screwdriver through my ear canal than heard this stuff. fortunately, I don't know much detail, because I squeezed my way around the booth and made an exit for the bar. But here I am letting it eat away at me anyway.

 

It appears that, for one reason or another, she was more willing to express herself sexually with this other guy, or just more willing act out his desires. That messes with me, even though I feel like a brat thinking, "you did it for him, why not me."

 

I would like to hear some opinions before I bring up anything to her...including if there are any opinions that I shouldn't bring it up with her. Mostly I want to get my head on straight before I talk to her, if at all.

[smackie9]

If your requests to try "something kinky" is ignored, then just ask why right when it happens.

 

Discuss it then, but don't be a sour brat about it if it's just not going to happen.

 

If you are left sexually unsatisfied, then you two are not compatible and it's time to leave the relationship.

[Exformer]

If your requests to try "something kinky" is ignored, then just ask why right when it happens.

 

Discuss it then, but don't be a sour brat about it if it's just not going to happen.

 

If you are left sexually unsatisfied, then you two are not compatible and it's time to leave the relationship.

 

Sexual incompatibility would be one fear. Though I would still wonder how that happened if these are things that she was willing to do with her ex.

 

The requests to try "something kinky" aren't met with negativity when asked outside of the here and now moments. These things are met with the affirmative when talking about "sometime", but then when planning to do it with a set moment in mind or just trying it in the heat of the moment, that's when it gets turned down through an excuse or another.

[RecentChange]

So, are these things she did with an ex, and you have asked for, and she has denied you?

 

From the way you worded it, it's not clear if these are things her ex wanted, or things she wanted, or things you want, but don't get.

 

Do you know if these are things she suggested / initiated or things the ex wanted / initiated?

 

I don't know that I could give advice without this info.

 

And of course I am dying to know, how freaky are well talkin'!?

[central]

People do change over time, so things they liked before may not be things they enjoy now. And vice versa. And of course, no one must do anything sexually that they don't want to do.

 

 

Also, some of the things you want may not be comfortable for her because of size differences. However, sometimes it could be that you may not inspire that level of abandon or attraction compared to someone previously. That does not necessarily mean that they were better overall - you may be, but just not in this way.

 

 

However, I might question if I were the backup plan or "settle-for" guy in this scenario. You'll just have to discuss it and figure out what to believe for yourself.

[Exformer]

So, are these things she did with an ex, and you have asked for, and she has denied you?

 

From the way you worded it, it's not clear if these are things her ex wanted, or things she wanted, or things you want, but don't get.

 

Do you know if these are things she suggested / initiated or things the ex wanted / initiated?

 

I don't know that I could give advice without this info.

 

Fair questions to ask, and I see your point. These are things she did with an ex on a basis beyond the try it once and never again scenario. I do not know if she was the one to come up with the idea, but I'm thinking maybe not.

 

I have requested them as well. I have never used the fact she did these things with an ex as reason I want to do doing these things (because it is not) nor as a reason she should do those things with me (sounds very manipulative), and some of these requests made by me occurred before I knew about her doing these things before. She would say yes to the idea of doing them if the "when" wasn't clear, but then she doesn't want to when the "when" is now, or I'm trying to set up a time/day/weekend to do it.

 

And of course I am dying to know, how freaky are well talkin'!?

 

Um...some kinkier than others, but nothing that requires a blood sacrifice or anything. Photos, toys, light bondage, etc. All pretty basic in my mind.

 

People do change over time, so things they liked before may not be things they enjoy now. And vice versa.

 

I don't think this is the case, as there was just under a year between breaking up with him and dating me. But maybe she was over it and still did it because he already expected it of her. I don't know.

 

And of course, no one must do anything sexually that they don't want to do.

 

I completely agree. I don't want to manipulate or force her. I feel guilty thinking about it, but twice I have actually gotten her to send photos (totally of 3 nudes). Both times, I let my frustration get the better of me, and I used guilt to get it out of her, and those photos just don't hold the meaning or significance they should have. This is the only thing sexually related that I have requested that I got her to do (beyond the actual act of sex of course...manipulation free). This isn't the way I want to do these things.

 

Also, some of the things you want may not be comfortable for her because of size differences. However, sometimes it could be that you may not inspire that level of abandon or attraction compared to someone previously. That does not necessarily mean that they were better overall - you may be, but just not in this way.

 

 

However, I might question if I were the backup plan or "settle-for" guy in this scenario. You'll just have to discuss it and figure out what to believe for yourself.

 

Ugh...and you hammered in the nail resting over my chest. This is something I think about often.

I'm not worried about size being an issue. I'm average in size, and she's made a comment that its a great size because too big would be uncomfortable (shut up and let me dream)... good thing I'm not hung up on the size issue; based on my friends' comments back in the day, I think I'm supposed to be offended by a girl saying that.

 

Not inspiring "that level of abandon or attraction" would be soul crushing for me. I'm older, and I've had plenty flings and fun, and I've been the "comfort guy" and I've been the "wild abandon guy". It's my experience that being only one of the two leads to inevitable doom. of course its the girl that actually makes me care about being both who has the ability to crush me just because she's settled for me. Hopefully there's some crazy explanation that proves that's not the case.

 

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far. I'm trying to gather my thoughts and figure out the next course of action. Any suggestions?

Edited August 24, 2016 by Exformer

[road]

Being you are new to each other and there was not affair whatever she did in her past is her past.

 

 

Because she did it then does not mean she has to want to do it now.

 

 

Last if she will not do things for you then you have to decide if that is a deal breaker.

 

 

These things are they things you always wanted or do you want them because the ex got them and you want to even the score?

 

 

If yes then you are out of luck because there is no score keeping.

 

 

Unless you were married and she cheated on you then refused to give you what she gave the OM is another story.

[lolablue17]

Your retroactive jealousy is really a regular one. The classic. Even if you're very smart and know how to express yourself in a creative way.

 

I get the feeling that you like interesting things, interesting relationships, you like changes, you like drama and thrills. Maybe that's what she loves you. So why don't you take your curiosity and adventurism, and try to put it into the relationship, exploring things. She might like it as an adventure, not as a complaint.

 

She might grant and welcome you with that. Less talking about the past, more showing her your other sides.

[Exformer]

Your retroactive jealousy is really a regular one. The classic. Even if you're very smart and know how to express yourself in a creative way.

 

I get the feeling that you like interesting things, interesting relationships, you like changes, you like drama and thrills. Maybe that's what she loves you. So why don't you take your curiosity and adventurism, and try to put it into the relationship, exploring things. She might like it as an adventure, not as a complaint.

 

She might grant and welcome you with that. Less talking about the past, more showing her your other sides.

 

I see where you're going with this, and see why you think that's how I've been from the constraints of what I've written so far.

 

I have never complained to her about doing things in previous relationships that she does not do with me. What I know are things revealed to me without my questioning, snooping, prying or consent. Nor are these things I know she's done the limit of my sexual interests made known to her. In all honesty, there's probably more stuff she's done with others, maybe even some of the other stuff I'm interested in, maybe some different things I'm not interested in too, but I'd like to not ever cross that bridge. I have not mentioned her sexual past to her even once. I find that a petty thing to do, and being upset about it, as I am, is not something I want to feel, and is no reason to act out. Out of frustration and basically just being an *ss-hat, I have pressured her to send three photos by mentioning that she had promised to do this for me but hadn't followed through. I felt guilty enough doing that, and don't plan to do it again; I'm not going to bring up her past as reason to do something.

 

I believe the creativity and adventure are in the things I've requested. I've presented these requests/ideas in ways that are about exploring our different desires and the relationship, and as having adventures together. These ideas are of my own desire, not because someone else got to do it with her, and are things I've brought up from both before and after knowing she's done them with someone else.

 

I would prefer to be without the drama, which is why I've come here to get my thoughts together and get a few suggestions on my next course of action... to attempt to fix things and not make things worse by just blurting all of this stuff out. Back when I was younger, I was a runner when the drama hit, because it was easier to cut and run to something simple than deal with problems. It was immature and not fair to the other person. I've been trying the other way now at days, and especially with her.

Edited August 24, 2016 by Exformer

[AlwaysAKL]

It could be that maybe she did things for this boyfriend and he made her feel used after all was said and done....that is what happened in my case....

[Exformer]

It could be that maybe she did things for this boyfriend and he made her feel used after all was said and done....that is what happened in my case....

 

She dated him back when they were freshman, and then off and on saw him a bit and date a few other guys. Then dated him for three years after college. I get the impression this stuff happened through out that. Do you think that could still fit that scenario? I think she broke up with him over not committing to the relationship though.

[Exformer]

I don't think you are gonna like this part. I think the reason she had a LTR full of doing sexual acts with some other guy and refuses to do stuff like that with you is because she was much more into that other guy.

 

Yeah, I've been thinking about that this afternoon since an earlier poster said something. That relationship went off and on when she was young and then went full speed for a few years after college until he did something that was finally too much for her. After all of that, it would make sense for a girl to want to settle for something more reliable and less... I don't know the best word, but yeah that's depressing.

 

I do hope that's not the case. I'm not going to be that guy that lets himself be the one someone else "settles" with forever. That's not a forever kind of relationship worth having for either one of us. Guess I should do something to make a point of not being that guy.

[benpom]

It's a bit weird to to me that she shares so many private details with friends. In a way, it's kind of disrespectful to her exes.

 

It's even more weird that her friends share those details with you, disrespectful and inconsiderate.

 

Even after a messy break-up, I don't think people should sell out secrets, or the private life that should be guarded as secrets.

 

You root question is 'why not me'? I can think of a few reasons:

1. She tried out in the past, and did not enjoy it.

2. She was manipulated to do it and she regrets it and probably associates it with bad memories now.

3. She does not trust you enough yet.

4. If it involves photo, perhaps she got blackmailed before?

 

Even if she settled for you, it's not a reason to reject you. 'Settling' is unlikely to be the reason, in my opinion. I also don't think it's because you are not good enough, unless if you think you are really boring or really out of shape.

[benpom]

Yeah, I've been thinking about that this afternoon since an earlier poster said something. That relationship went off and on when she was young and then went full speed for a few years after college until he did something that was finally too much for her. After all of that, it would make sense for a girl to want to settle for something more reliable and less... I don't know the best word, but yeah that's depressing.

 

I do hope that's not the case. I'm not going to be that guy that lets himself be the one someone else "settles" with forever. That's not a forever kind of relationship worth having for either one of us. Guess I should do something to make a point of not being that guy.

 

I think settling is more of saying she is ready for a long-term relationship, not saying you are not good enough. Just my thought. People don't settle for bad things; people only settle for good things. Maybe not ideal, but must be good enough. Focus on what you are good at. There are things she likes in you that other don't have. You scan't score 100 points in every aspect. Don't beat yourself up for it. Believe in yourself. You are not competing with other guys. You are competing with yourself. You should focus on always becoming better than the old yourself, everyday. Don't try to compete with the images of other guys you create in your mind. If you must, learn from them, but don't compete.

 

By the way, I sense some trust and communication issues between you guys, like she is giving you excuses. That's a red flag in your relationship. It's not your fault, or her fault. It's just that you don't have enough trust to share secrets. Maybe she fears to hurt you, maybe she fears you would judge her; maybe you have given her the impression that you can be easily offended / hurt. It's a problem you guys need to fix soon. Also remember, trust is to be built, not to be forced. People put off communication to avoid hurt, judgement etc, but the longer you wait, the more disastrous the outcome will be. It happened to me - a divorce after a 10-year lonely relationship. We loved each other. But love is not enough; trust and communication are just as important.

Edited August 25, 2016 by benpom

[basil67]

I can't tell you what she's thinking.

 

But there is kinky stuff I've done in the past - more than once - which I wouldn't do again with another partner. Why? Despite my best attempts and wanting to have a positive outcome, I found that it left me feeling not very good about myself.

 

She may have simply lived and learned.

[Exformer]

You root question is 'why not me'? I can think of a few reasons:

1. She tried out in the past, and did not enjoy it.

2. She was manipulated to do it and she regrets it and probably associates it with bad memories now.

3. She does not trust you enough yet.

4. If it involves photo, perhaps she got blackmailed before?

 

Even if she settled for you, it's not a reason to reject you. 'Settling' is unlikely to be the reason, in my opinion. I also don't think it's because you are not good enough, unless if you think you are really boring or really out of shape.

 

1. Is possible, but unlikely, as this was apparently repeat stuff over the years. Unless she didn't like but since she already agreed to do it once, she felt obligated to continue with him...which would be odd at the very least.

2. This could be the case. Based on interactions with older friends, she seems like she used to be a bit of a follower. But again, she did at least one thing through out the relationship before and after breaking it off with him and starting back up. I'd think she'd have a position to cut that off the second go through. But then again, maybe she just gave in again.

3. Sure hope not. The girl wants me to move in and get married. This is something she hasn't had happen with any ex.

4. I would consider this, but she was all for it when I originally asked and even escalated the offer. She just fell through actually doing it as she promised.

 

I'm usually a pretty confident guy. I usually don't have problems expressing my self or getting girls.

 

You should focus on always becoming better than the old yourself, everyday. Don't try to compete with the images of other guys you create in your mind. If you must, learn from them, but don't compete.

I'm worried about being the guy that gets her going sexually and make her what to express herself and experiment and be adventurous sexually. Knowing another guy was able to do more gets to me, but that's less about because he could, and more about because there's a place she can go that I can't get her to.

[benpom]

I'm worried about being the guy that gets her going sexually and make her what to express herself and experiment and be adventurous sexually. Knowing another guy was able to do more gets to me, but that's less about because he could, and more about because there's a place she can go that I can't get her to.

 

That's a good start. From previous posts, it was hard to tell you want to explore for your benefit, or for hers.

 

Sounds like this is really important to you. In that case, I guess you really have to find the answer from her. It's a delicate topic to talk since she is defensive. My best advice is just to focus on that you want her to want to express herself and experiment and be adventurous sexually, and make none or little mentioning of what you want for yourself (at least not right away).

 

Often times, how a conversation goes is not about what people talk about, but how they talk about it. I am the queen of not-good-at-communication. Your case kind of resonates with me in the sense that sometimes I desperately want to know an answer but don't have the courage to find out the truth, but you sound a lot more confident and also better at communication. So best of luck to you!

Edited August 25, 2016 by benpom

[Exformer]

I can't tell you what she's thinking.

 

But there is kinky stuff I've done in the past - more than once - which I wouldn't do again with another partner. Why? Despite my best attempts and wanting to have a positive outcome, I found that it left me feeling not very good about myself.

 

She may have simply lived and learned.

 

If that's the case, that would be disappointing but understandable. I would still have an issue with her agreeing to the idea of it and then not going through with it. If it's something she doesn't want to do, that should just be something she says she doesn't want to do. We've dated for over a year now, and she wants me to move in with her (something she hasn't done with a previous relationship). I would be upset that she wants to develop the relationship so far but not have the trust in me to say something like that.

 

Sounds like this is really important to you. In that case, I guess you really have to find the answer from her. It's a delicate topic to talk since she is defensive. My best advice is just to focus on that you want her to want to express herself and experiment and be adventurous sexually, and make none or little mentioning of what you want for yourself (at least not right away)

 

Yeah, I think that's the best course of action. The problem is getting her to open up enough to suggest something different than what we already do, which is pretty basic. I think I'll still end up suggesting things to gauge her interest because she's not the best about requesting anything. I have talked to her about opening up and expressing wants/desires as something we should "both do". My intent was to say "both of us" so it wouldn't seem like I was attack her or accusing her of lacking communication. It hasn't been the most effective method.

 

Often times, how a conversation goes is not about what people talk about, but how they talk about it. I am the queen of not-good-at-communication. Your case kind of resonates with me in the sense that sometimes I desperately want to know an answer but don't have the courage to find out the truth, but you sound a lot more confident and also better at communication. So best of luck to you!

 

I have a concern about how I approach things like this when we talk. I'm pretty good at guiding conversation and getting information that I want. The problem is it comes a little to organically for me and that sometimes isn't the most caring or sensitive way to go about things. If I get frustrated or desperate or too in the moment, I don't want to push the wrong way or force something out of her that she isn't willing to give me..

 

Plus, there are somethings I don't want to know for my own peace of mind, and somethings that she should keep private if she wants to keep them private from me. That's a difficult thing to balance when I'm trying to solve an issue in my own mind. I have this part of me that wants us to share everything with each other, and there's another part that's saying, "whoa, settle down and show some restraint in regards to her privacy and let her share want she's willing to give you."

 

...then there's another part of me that reminds me the last time the ex and sex came into topic around me, I prayed for a can opener for my skull and a magic eraser to scrub my brain clean... and that's what made me aware that the stuff she agreed to (but won't do) isn't just stuff she'd never considered before. It's not stuff that she agreed to do in the moment because it was new and interesting (or because I wanted it), but then changed her mind after exploring the idea for the first time and deciding it wasn't something she wanted to try. That I could wrap my head around. It would be disappointing for the moment or when the desires hit me, but I understand that perspective. Instead it was something she jumped to agreeing to because it was something she was used to doing with someone else, and then for a reason I'm not sure of, she decided to not do those things with me. That's a pretty scary rabbit hole to fall down, and there's a better chance than not, the answer probably isn't going to be a good sign for me or the relationship.

[Timshel]

Some people, especially when younger, feel compelled to engage in sex acts that they themselves have little or no desire for in order to maintain the interest of their partner. This may be the case for your gf's previous relationship.

It is not uncommon to use sex as bait and women in particular may feel some pressure to do so because though it dysfunctional, it can be highly effective.

 

If your gf has decided, in her mind, to avoid these 'kinks' because she has no sincere interest but is now prioritizing commitment/marriage....she may be hesitant to give you a firm no and instead dally/stall.

Have conversation(s) with her outside the bedroom in a relaxed activity in order to determine genuine sexual compatibility.

[smackie9]

Some people, especially when younger, feel compelled to engage in sex acts that they themselves have little or no desire for in order to maintain the interest of their partner. This may be the case for your gf's previous relationship.

This is exactly what I was thinking......

 

 

 

IMO sitting around wondering why, is counterproductive. She is obviously avoiding certain things, and is pacifying you with the "maybe someday"......the reality is she is not a willing compatible partner that isn't fulfilling your expectations. You are wasting your time because "someday" may never come.

[Exformer]

Some people, especially when younger, feel compelled to engage in sex acts that they themselves have little or no desire for in order to maintain the interest of their partner. This may be the case for your gf's previous relationship.

It is not uncommon to use sex as bait and women in particular may feel some pressure to do so because though it dysfunctional, it can be highly effective.

 

This was a well worded, good point. I need to keep this in mind as I figure out what to do next, but as something to watch for signs of, not to bring up with her. If we have a very real talk, I think I want to avoid her past relationship and their sex life if possible; if she goes there, fine. I'd prefer to keep things in the present and future with us as a couple. But before that, she and I have planned a bit of a weekend together. I'll see how that goes and hopefully it's a good time to have an enjoyable sexual compsatability discussion.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Exformer

[benpom]

Some people, especially when younger, feel compelled to engage in sex acts that they themselves have little or no desire for in order to maintain the interest of their partner. This may be the case for your gf's previous relationship.

It is not uncommon to use sex as bait and women in particular may feel some pressure to do so because though it dysfunctional, it can be highly effective.

 

If your gf has decided, in her mind, to avoid these 'kinks' because she has no sincere interest but is now prioritizing commitment/marriage....she may be hesitant to give you a firm no and instead dally/stall.

Have conversation(s) with her outside the bedroom in a relaxed activity in order to determine genuine sexual compatibility.

 

Well said. Sometimes people get drawn into making bad compromises just to keep a dysfunctional relationship going, not just sex, but other things too. Sometimes, I wonder if all relationships have their dysfunctional moments?

[Timshel]

This was a well worded, good point. I need to keep this in mind as I figure out what to do next, but as something to watch for signs of, not to bring up with her. If we have a very real talk, I think I want to avoid her past relationship and their sex life if possible; if she goes there, fine. I'd prefer to keep things in the present and future with us as a couple. But before that, she and I have planned a bit of a weekend together. I'll see how that goes and hopefully it's a good time to have an enjoyable sexual compsatability discussion.

 

Importantly, you would most like for her actions to occur spontaneously and naturally...to not be even mildly coerced.

I wondered because it has been over a year...if these things excited her, wouldn't they have occurred and even been initiated by her?

 

Personally, my so couldn't stop me from trying something titillating unless specifically asked not to.

 

Agree that there is no need to bring up her past relationship, this is only about the two of you.

[Exformer]

IMO sitting around wondering why, is counterproductive. She is obviously avoiding certain things, and is pacifying you with the "maybe someday"......the reality is she is not a willing compatible partner that isn't fulfilling your expectations. You are wasting your time because "someday" may never come.

 

That's true. I wouldn't want to just get caught waiting for someday that doesn't happen.

 

Well said. Sometimes people get drawn into making bad compromises just to keep a dysfunctional relationship going, not just sex, but other things too. Sometimes, I wonder if all relationships have their dysfunctional moments?

 

I wonder the same thing. In my mid 30s, and I've had all forms of relationships from one night stands, flings, friends with benefits, to long term relationships. There's always going to be something at some point. I chalk it up to trust, desire, interest level and how different people communicate.

 

The compromises to keep it going bit rings true to me. I don't know the story, but from what's been said, I know a bit. They dated in undergrad, then there was an off and on relationship, then they were serious again after college. All of that could have been stuff she did to keep him interested and in order to get him to first commit to dating officially and then to commit to something more, like marriage or something. gave into his requests in hopes of getting what she wanted too. With me, she hasn't had to worry about me running the other way. So, she makes the promises, because she's used to that, but doesn't follow through because she hadn't needed the same bait and hook tactic. It's possible.

 

Importantly, you would most like for her actions to occur spontaneously and naturally...to not be even mildly coerced.

I wondered because it has been over a year...if these things excited her, wouldn't they have occurred and even been initiated by her?

 

Personally, my so couldn't stop me from trying something titillating unless specifically asked not to.

 

Agree that there is no need to bring up her past relationship, this is only about the two of you.

 

Yeah, naturally or with some excitement or curiosity of course is the way I'd want it. Its going to be hard to have future discussions about this stuff. If she does end up doing it, it will take careful consideration when discussing this with her to not feel as if all I did was coerce her, which isn't exactly the sexy fun I had in mind with all of this in the first place.

 

As far as her jumping on board from the start, I didn't really question that too much, as it's been my experience that some girls jump right into the kinky fun, and others take a bit to warm up and feel comfortable with expressing themselves like that. So I think the time lapse snuck up on me. At first it was just time to trust me and get to know me, and now it's been over a year with a girl who trusts me enough to ask me about moving in together around Christmas.

 

Time to face some tough reality I guess.

[road]

Important question OP, if you did not know your GF did these things in the past would you still want to do them?

 

 

If you need to do them only to even the score with your GF then that is not a good reason to push her to do those things now.

 

 

As pointed out because she did something in the past does not mean she has to continue to want those things now or in the future.

 

 

I understand with a BH that want to do things with his WW and she always said no. Then WW did all of them and a whole load more with her OM. In my mind there is no way she can deny her BH to get what the OM got in difference and amount of.

 

 

You are not a BH.