Less Common Retroactive Jealousy?

[Exformer]

Important question OP, if you did not know your GF did these things in the past would you still want to do them?

 

 

If you need to do them only to even the score with your GF then that is not a good reason to push her to do those things now.

 

 

As pointed out because she did something in the past does not mean she has to continue to want those things now or in the future.

 

 

I understand with a BH that want to do things with his WW and she always said no. Then WW did all of them and a whole load more with her OM. In my mind there is no way she can deny her BH to get what the OM got in difference and amount of.

 

 

You are not a BH.

These are things I mentioned before I found out and after. These are things I'm interested in doing because of my own interest, not because someone else did it.

I don't know what BH, WW or OM stand for.

[whatcanitellyou]

It's hard to say why she'd do things with another guy and not you, but assuming you get her to participate how fulfilling will it be for you if you have to pressure her?

 

You've already pressured her for naked photos and how fulfilling was that?

 

And pressure creates a toxic environment.

 

If you feel compelled to pressure her maybe this isn't a good relationship for either of you. Is she worth not being able to do some things?

 

This is one of the reasons ex details have no place in a relationship.

[Exformer]

It's hard to say why she'd do things with another guy and not you, but assuming you get her to participate how fulfilling will it be for you if you have to pressure her?

 

You've already pressured her for naked photos and how fulfilling was that?

 

And pressure creates a toxic environment.

 

If you feel compelled to pressure her maybe this isn't a good relationship for either of you. Is she worth not being able to do some things?

 

This is one of the reasons ex details have no place in a relationship.

 

I agree with everything you're saying. As I said before, the whole guilting her into it tactic isn't one I want to use. It isn't respectful to her and it's just a messed up thing to do. If that was the case, I wouldn't be on the forums looking for advise.

[Poutrew]

Sounds to me like she doesn't want / need to perform those particular things for a very good reason... she doesn't feel the energy with you. Are you positive that she doesn't consider you just a 'good guy', that will pay the bills, sire the children, and work 12 hour days until you die of a heart attack...? Something tells me that if you marry this girl, if you come home early one day while she is discussing sex and previous lovers with her girlfriends in the living room and you stop to listen in (without they knowing you are there) from the kitchen, that you will be very disappointed when she gets to you and what she really thinks of you in comparison to her other lovers...

[whatcanitellyou]

I agree with everything you're saying. As I said before, the whole guilting her into it tactic isn't one I want to use. It isn't respectful to her and it's just a messed up thing to do. If that was the case, I wouldn't be on the forums looking for advise.

 

Well then I guess my advice would be to stop asking for these things. You've made your desire for them known and there's always the chance that if you stop pressuring she may offer.

 

If she does make clear that you don't want anything she isn't into.

 

And if she never offers you'll have to decide if these sex acts are worth giving her up.

[Exformer]

Sounds to me like she doesn't want / need to perform those particular things for a very good reason... she doesn't feel the energy with you. Are you positive that she doesn't consider you just a 'good guy', that will pay the bills, sire the children, and work 12 hour days until you die of a heart attack...? Something tells me that if you marry this girl, if you come home early one day while she is discussing sex and previous lovers with her girlfriends in the living room and you stop to listen in (without they knowing you are there) from the kitchen, that you will be very disappointed when she gets to you and what she really thinks of you in comparison to her other lovers...

 

And that's a life no one wants to live.

[fireflywy]

Sounds to me like she doesn't want / need to perform those particular things for a very good reason... she doesn't feel the energy with you. Are you positive that she doesn't consider you just a 'good guy', that will pay the bills, sire the children, and work 12 hour days until you die of a heart attack...? Something tells me that if you marry this girl, if you come home early one day while she is discussing sex and previous lovers with her girlfriends in the living room and you stop to listen in (without they knowing you are there) from the kitchen, that you will be very disappointed when she gets to you and what she really thinks of you in comparison to her other lovers...

 

Unfortunately, I'm with this post. I found it interesting that her friends felt like they could tell you about her past which screams to me that:

1. They don't respect you.

2. They don't respect you because, deep down, she hasn't drawn a boundary with them to enforce that adoration and respect for you because she doesn't possess it as much as a she should.

 

I could be wrong and I've been very "red pill" this last year, but I had similar experiences as far as the gf sharing intimate details of "us" to her friends. Her friends became more of a judgmental "hen party" plucking at the relationship and she eventually ended up showing she had no true loyalty to the relationship because I was just a nice guy and fun placeholder for her.

[big dog]

you say you don't care how many others she's been with...and that's OK. But if it's a lot then you may need to consider some "sexual burnout" .....she may just be worn out with it. Scientific facts show that promiscuous people have social, sexual, and even depression problems later on. many have problems hanging on to lasting relationships. Not saying this is the case.... but again...you don't know how many she's had... so the possibility does exist.

[NotASkunk]

Maybe she did some wild are things with this other guy in order to keep him. With you she feel she can be more herself and doesn't want to do things that make her uncomfortable. In my experience, I had a somewhat wild sex life before my long-term relationship began. I did a lot of things that I thought I had to in order to keep my partner interested. I enjoyed myself but when I brought up some of these things to my new partner he was really insecure about what my needs were. He felt he wouldn't be able to meet those needs. That wasn't the case in the least, I was happy to be with somebody who cared about me and I enjoyed our sex life very much even though it was pretty vanilla. But I also felt a little like I could not display that side of my sexual nature to him in order to protect his insecurities about my past.

[Darren Steez]

I don't think it's a question of respect at all from what I've read the dynamics of her relationship with this guy is interesting.

 

So they dated on and off right? It was a LDR at some point? As others said she might have done these things for him because he was so non committal, and it was long distance so you do these things to keep him.

 

She's 28 now, so she's a big girl and she's grown as a woman, if she wants to do said act(s) then it's up to her, but jedi mind tricking yourself, planning to do act or begging for it is going to get you a red card.

 

Maybe it's a thing she only did with him. Did they do it often or just once? Maybe she was embarrassed by it, especially when her friends are yapping their mouths about it. I actually think they did what they did on purpose, was she there when they said this stuff?

[road]

Maybe she did some wild are things with this other guy in order to keep him. With you she feel she can be more herself and doesn't want to do things that make her uncomfortable. In my experience, I had a somewhat wild sex life before my long-term relationship began. I did a lot of things that I thought I had to in order to keep my partner interested. I enjoyed myself but when I brought up some of these things to my new partner he was really insecure about what my needs were. He felt he wouldn't be able to meet those needs. That wasn't the case in the least, I was happy to be with somebody who cared about me and I enjoyed our sex life very much even though it was pretty vanilla. But I also felt a little like I could not display that side of my sexual nature to him in order to protect his insecurities about my past.

 

 

 

Thing is never tell the new man what you did with the past men in your life.

 

 

Never say: did you ever do this, I did it before with last man, it was great.

 

 

White lie: I read about this, have you done it, lets give it a try.

[Darren Steez]

Thing is never tell the new man what you did with the past men in your life.

 

 

Never say: did you ever do this, I did it before with last man, it was great.

 

 

White lie: I read about this, have you done it, lets give it a try.

 

Except she didn't tell him, her friends told him and he questioned her later

[road]

Except she didn't tell him, her friends told him and he questioned her later

 

 

I was talking about and to notaskunk.

[Exformer]

Update

 

 

This was a couple years ago, but getting back on the site and catching up with posts, I've really appreciated when others gave updates after some time had past. So, I thought I'd do the same.

 

 

I did speak to her several times, focusing mostly on communication. Things would appear better for a bit and then cycle around months later. I tried to approach the topics without coming off like an attack at her, and more on the lines of what I was feeling and expressing what we liked and how we could communicate interest and communicate disinterest.

 

 

 

I asked that she not make promises just to appease me in the short term, and then put it out of mind after promising. Of course, I soon discovered she used this tactic for handling discussions too. So, things she said in one discussion tended to fall through to the point she couldn't claim the same reasoning the next I brought it up.

 

 

 

Eventually, I was able to get across that appeasing me with promises had made me drop the topics in the moment, but broken promises made everything much worse in the long run. It finally sunk in that hollow promises were a bad choice for the health of our relationship. Especially as she began to ask why we hadn't move in together like she wanted, and I pointed out communication as being an issue making me hesitant.

 

 

 

Unfulfilled promises rarely happen now, to the point I don't feel that same resentment. Now, when a promise falls through, I feel that it really is a natural slip of the mind, or life just got in the way of making it happen, as opposed to a decisive decision to just say whatever she thinks makes me happy without meaning it or planning to do it.

 

 

 

Things are better over all, though more often than not its up to me to initiate communication. She does put effort in on the important stuff to be sure, which I've really appreciated. I have my own shortcomings (equal if not greater...greater...it's probably greater... than her own, bless the poor girl) that she manages too, of course, but I still often find myself being the one to get her to open up when she has issues with something about me. At least she talks when it happens now, which allows us to work on improving any problems.

 

 

 

As for sex life, its better than it was, though still lacks a certain openness I'd prefer to communicate interests and desires. This is frustrating at times.

 

 

 

It's still not as adventurous as I'd like to take it either, and my guess is that it never will be. That aspect has improved past what it was, but only barely. However, just the way she approaches things, without changing what we do sexually, has had a greater impact on me, for the better, than I would have thought. Promising and not following through was driving me a bit mad.

 

 

 

I still occasionally think about things I'd prefer not to know. I have a better understanding on things than I did before, which is helpful to me when dealing with that in my head. My mind is a very active place, and can go all over the map. Having a better understanding curbs how wild my mind goes. That's my issue to deal with though.

 

 

 

We still have issues that haven't really been addressed to my satisfaction, but I really can't think of anything to do about then, without those things happening again down the road. I've learned more about her friends who were talking about her past, and I don't really have issues with any of them but the one, who instigates this stuff, I assume for the entertainment. She's done several other things since then that make me rather dislike her, all in a very similar pattern that has made it apparent she's intentionally done this to me.

 

 

 

Most of her friends and their SOs are pretty great to spend time with, and more importantly are good friends to my SO, which is all that really matters. Liking them too is really just a bonus. i personally think that one friend is not a good friend to my SO, but its not like I'm going to draw my foot in the sand over one crap friend, who mostly only communicates with my SO via text due to distance and young children. I told my SO I don't appreciate the things the friend has said to me, and I've also talked to my SO about how she'd like me to handle the situation if the friend does similar in the future, and my opinion of how I'd like it to be handled (escalation from how I've handled it so far, which has been polite and given SO room to handle it...which she didn't do in the past).

 

 

 

I've taken to the idea that I should expect things to not really improve past how they are now. I do like where we're at much more than before. I also consider where we're at to be manageable in the hard times, which have been few, and I've been very happy in the good times, which have been often.

 

 

Thanks to everyone who helped me get my head on straight before speaking with my SO. I was glad I prepared ahead of time. I think it paid off, and helped me decide how I wanted to handle things.

Edited August 13, 2018 by Exformer

[wilson1]

Update

 

 

This was a couple years ago, but getting back on the site and catching up with posts, I've really appreciated when others gave updates after some time had past. So, I thought I'd do the same.

 

 

I did speak to her several times, focusing mostly on communication. Things would appear better for a bit and then cycle around months later. I tried to approach the topics without coming off like an attack at her, and more on the lines of what I was feeling and expressing what we liked and how we could communicate interest and communicate disinterest.

 

 

 

I asked that she not make promises just to appease me in the short term, and then put it out of mind after promising. Of course, I soon discovered she used this tactic for handling discussions too. So, things she said in one discussion tended to fall through to the point she couldn't claim the same reasoning the next I brought it up.

 

 

 

Eventually, I was able to get across that appeasing me with promises had made me drop the topics in the moment, but broken promises made everything much worse in the long run. It finally sunk in that hollow promises were a bad choice for the health of our relationship. Especially as she began to ask why we hadn't move in together like she wanted, and I pointed out communication as being an issue making me hesitant.

 

 

 

Unfulfilled promises rarely happen now, to the point I don't feel that same resentment. Now, when a promise falls through, I feel that it really is a natural slip of the mind, or life just got in the way of making it happen, as opposed to a decisive decision to just say whatever she thinks makes me happy without meaning it or planning to do it.

 

 

 

Things are better over all, though more often than not its up to me to initiate communication. She does put effort in on the important stuff to be sure, which I've really appreciated. I have my own shortcomings (equal if not greater...greater...it's probably greater... than her own, bless the poor girl) that she manages too, of course, but I still often find myself being the one to get her to open up when she has issues with something about me. At least she talks when it happens now, which allows us to work on improving any problems.

 

 

 

As for sex life, its better than it was, though still lacks a certain openness I'd prefer to communicate interests and desires. This is frustrating at times.

 

 

 

It's still not as adventurous as I'd like to take it either, and my guess is that it never will be. That aspect has improved past what it was, but only barely. However, just the way she approaches things, without changing what we do sexually, has had a greater impact on me, for the better, than I would have thought. Promising and not following through was driving me a bit mad.

 

 

 

I still occasionally think about things I'd prefer not to know. I have a better understanding on things than I did before, which is helpful to me when dealing with that in my head. My mind is a very active place, and can go all over the map. Having a better understanding curbs how wild my mind goes. That's my issue to deal with though.

 

 

 

We still have issues that haven't really been addressed to my satisfaction, but I really can't think of anything to do about then, without those things happening again down the road. I've learned more about her friends who were talking about her past, and I don't really have issues with any of them but the one, who instigates this stuff, I assume for the entertainment. She's done several other things since then that make me rather dislike her, all in a very similar pattern that has made it apparent she's intentionally done this to me.

 

 

 

Most of her friends and their SOs are pretty great to spend time with, and more importantly are good friends to my SO, which is all that really matters. Liking them too is really just a bonus. i personally think that one friend is not a good friend to my SO, but its not like I'm going to draw my foot in the sand over one crap friend, who mostly only communicates with my SO via text due to distance and young children. I told my SO I don't appreciate the things the friend has said to me, and I've also talked to my SO about how she'd like me to handle the situation if the friend does similar in the future, and my opinion of how I'd like it to be handled (escalation from how I've handled it so far, which has been polite and given SO room to handle it...which she didn't do in the past).

 

 

 

I've taken to the idea that I should expect things to not really improve past how they are now. I do like where we're at much more than before. I also consider where we're at to be manageable in the hard times, which have been few, and I've been very happy in the good times, which have been often.

 

 

Thanks to everyone who helped me get my head on straight before speaking with my SO. I was glad I prepared ahead of time. I think it paid off, and helped me decide how I wanted to handle things.

 

Exformer, you commented on my post so i will comment on yours.

I started reading without realizing it was 2 years old.

 

First of all, congratulations for keeping the relationship alive after 2 years, it seems really serious.

 

My first thought when i read your initial post, and you mentioned photos, is that you two don't know each other enough yet. It is very typical for girls to get aroused at the idea of taking photos (i personally love filming me and my SO having sex) but this requires a big level of trust on the side of the girl, so it is normal that they take their time and i totally understand it. This is also true for some other kinky stuff.

 

I am not sure exactly what sexual acts you are talking about, and you should be more specific if you want a detailed opinion. But some sexual acts also require trust (such as hard spanking, tying up, etc). In this cases is not that the girl doesnt like it, or doesn't want to do it with you. But it is more about she is not ready yet to do it and feel safe while doing so.

 

All the above being said, i totally assume after 2 years trust is not the issue anymore.

 

As said before i would want to know exactly what kind of sexual acts you are talking about to give a more valid opinion. But that being said, i would actually bring it up to her at the risk of sounding *******-ish. I would simply say that you are not fully satisfied with your sex life and that when you think long term with someone you want to feel that you will not be frustrated for the duration of the relationship (needless to say marriage, which is intended for all your life!!!).

 

You would be surprised how girls are way more willing to please you and open up sexually when there is a risk of losing you. Or when they learn that you are actually sexually frustrated.

 

If you are planning to marry this woman, you have the right to live a sexually satisfied life. Or do you want to be sexually frustrated forever?

 

Cheers