Probably Broken Up

[confusedgirl29]

Hi- I'm new to this....I'm going through a breakup...It feels like months ago but it's only been 3 days...My body is literally going into shock, my heart won't stop racing and I can't eat or sleep.

 

My relationship of 7 1/2 years has ended (I think). We've had tough times before and had periods lasting a few weeks where we did not speak but worked it out...I guess it sounds cliche. Part of me is not surprised.

 

What happened: I've recently had some landlord issues that have been very stressful and needed to move out very quickly (less than 2 weeks). My landlord has inflicted a lot of pain and emotional stress on my roommate and I. My boyfriend and I had previously decided to move in together but we thought we had more time (his lease wasn't up for 3 more months). So after the issue with my landlord happened we immediately started looking for places together; however I've been incredibly upset and stressed because leaving my current place in under two weeks felt very chaotic and unwanted. He said I could just live with him and store my stuff there until we could find a place but the commute to work from his house would be 1 1/2 hours so I wasn't thrilled with the idea so I was really pushing to find a place in two the next two weeks so I could have a better commute and not have to move my stuff twice. I still felt very stressed and upset and he kept telling me to calm down and that everything would be fine but I tend to be very emotional when things like this come up. We were both finding places and setting up showings but he kept making comments like "well this is really your issue because you have to move out in two weeks". I kept telling him that it upset me to think this is all my issue when we were looking for a place we would both live in together (although for him it would take another 2 months). He said he understood but we definitely bickered about it.

 

Then over the weekend he was late to a showing and I got upset because he didn't call to tell me he was going to be late. We made up. The next morning we went to another showing but on the way he kept making comments about how this was my issue and I should just move in early so that we didn't have to waste time moving my stuff twice. I got upset again. I dropped both cases but at that point he said he was done. He said he no longer wanted to live with me because I had 'ruined' the excitement of moving in together and that us fighting while looking for places was going to be how things always are. We've dealt with arguing in the past when I've been stressed and dealing with things but I have learned to cope better and things have been going really well. We haven't had any issues or arguing (even bickering) in months...

 

I tried calming down and explained that I've been under a lot of stress and that I didn't mean to snap at him. He says I can't take my frustration out on those I love. It's been 3 days...I'm trying not to contact him but finding it utterly impossible. Just last week he was calculating our financial plans so that we could plan for retirement together and he was figuring out where we would eventually move to and retire...On the way out of the last house showing he was mad and said this is very sad because he wanted to move in with me and get married.

 

I understand that I don't communicate well but I also know that couples fight and bicker and sometimes say things in ways that are less than super nice. I admitted to him that that's true but I also don't think it was that huge. I never cursed or screamed or attacked his character I was simply upset that it seemed like he thought this was all on me (maybe it is...).

 

If I had my way we would make up and work through this but part of me is also feeling so betrayed because I don't have anywhere to live now...I was supposed to find a place with him in 2 weeks or just move in with him if we didn't find something in time. I also could have just found another place with my current roommate but it's too late now. I asked if he could take the week to himself and think about things and just talk over the weekend and he said he would do that but it didn't sound very promising. In the meantime he doesn't want to talk at all.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like my future just got ripped away and I'm devastated. I also know that I don't want to be with someone who will end things because of a weekend of bickering and that this is a huge problem...He's very easy going and so it takes a lot to set him off which is why I'm surprised a few fights over one weekend were enough for him to end all the plans we had together but it's probably more than that.

 

I know I just need to move on with my own life and act as though I'll never see or hear from him again but I'm unsure. We've had fights before where we didn't speak for a few weeks but it always worked out. We are terrible at communicating (or maybe I am) but I feel like some arguments are going to happen. He says he doesn't want any arguments ever (that would be nice but not practical in any relationship...).

 

I don't know what to do. I'm feeling lost, lonely, desperate... all the things

[bummer]

I know I just need to move on with my own life and act as though I'll never see or hear from him again but I'm unsure. We've had fights before where we didn't speak for a few weeks but it always worked out. We are terrible at communicating (or maybe I am) but I feel like some arguments are going to happen. He says he doesn't want any arguments ever (that would be nice but not practical in any relationship...).

 

I don't know what to do. I'm feeling lost, lonely, desperate... all the things

 

This long discussion of current events is just a placeholder and excuse from him to wiggle out of the relationship. He's done.

 

Fights that resolve just to segway into the next fight are not healthy and speak to a broader incompatibily. I hope you've found a place for you. Take time for reflection on all the 7 years and work on your temperament and communication if you truly feel you need to make improvements. Otherwise just enjoy yourself until someone more compatible arrives.

[angel.eyes]

I agree with him. Claiming you're stressed is not a reason to mistreat those around us.

 

Moving WAS totally your issue. You're the one who had to move immediately, not him! You're the one with the urgent landlord issue, not him! Generally, you have at least a month's notice to move, so there's probably more to the story than you're sharing. Since this is YOUR issue, you (and your roommate) should be looking for your own housing. Your supportive and understanding boyfriend offered to have you move in with him, even though that wasn't part of his plan. Instead of being grateful, you expected him to turn his life upside down in two weeks to suit you. Then became pissed even as he's turning his life upside down as a favor to you because he didn't do everything exactly to your specifications. Entitled much? Yes, I would be done too!

 

People show you who they genuinely are when they're stressed. If this is how you deal with stress, imagine what he's probably signing up for when you have real stress--marriage, small kids, a mortgage, and bad bosses.

 

Not what you want to hear, but he was right to bail rather than signing on to a lifetime of being your doormat anytime you got "stressed."