One thing I never understand about married couples

[Whoknew30]

I still think there's not enough information to assess if this couple is codependent or not - expressing sadness or disappointment that your spouse can't be with you isn't the same as leaving with your spouse because you can't be without them.

 

Expressing it once & not stopping are two different things. If I heard someone continue to complain while I'm on vacation with them...I'd ask, why did you stay here if this is what you were going to do?

[Lobe]

Expressing it once & not stopping are two different things. If I heard someone continue to complain while I'm on vacation with them...I'd ask, why did you stay here if this is what you were going to do?

 

Totally fair. I suppose, then, it would become a matter of determining what's considered excessive whining and pining as opposed to jealousy from a single friend.

[BaileyB]

I've always been one who liked time to myself. I've watched my parents and some friends over the years and wondered how/why they spend so much time together. I have long thought, that would never be me... Until I met my latest boyfriend. We are good friends and I'm head over heels for him right now... A day that I don't see him is a sad day for me. I count the hours until I can see him again. It's been most amusing to me, because I never thought I would feel this way.

[Whoknew30]

Totally fair. I suppose, then, it would become a matter of determining what's considered excessive whining and pining as opposed to jealousy from a single friend.

 

I don't think (majority of the time) single people are jealous when complaining about a couple. I think sometimes couples (especially younger) can be flat out rude...like if you go out & the couple is all over eachother or whispering in each other's ear all night, things of that nature are rude when your in public but if you say anything "jealous". I'm sure some people are jealous but I haven't seen it as much as I've seen couples being obnoxious in a public setting.

[RecentChange]

Touching on a few points others have made (plus my own!).

 

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. Sure, we "see each other all the time" - but in reality, if you don't count the time spent sleeping, we "see each other" 2-3 hours a day after work. Much of that time consumed by cooking dinner, chores and other things. We cuddle for 30-40 mins each evening, then its off to sleep. So, we don't really get to spend that much time "doing stuff" during the week. Weekends, our hobbies often take us different directions - we go on "dates" 2-3 times a week (dinner + cocktails).

 

Another point - HE IS MY BEST FRIEND! When he is not with me, especially on something like a trip, I am constantly thinking, Oh, D would love to see this! Oh, he would love to eat that. Oh, I wish he saw this, its so funny, I can't wait to tell him! Basically, if I am having a good time, I want to share that with him.

 

Married 20 years & all my friends are married, none of us are like that. A occasional date with our spouses here & there but no dire need to spend time together. When we all go out as couples we all usually separate bc we see our spouses all the time......

 

 

See, I have never been into the "girls night" or "girls trip" sort of thing. Just really unappealing to me.

 

A fair number of my friends (and my husbands friends) are married, and we meet up as a group, because we are all friends. I enjoy chatting with and hanging out with my female friends husband's, and with my husband's male friends. My husband is friends with some of his buddy's wives, and with some of my female friends.

 

Maybe its because both my husband and myself had a circle of mix gender friends before we met - but for us, that is what is natural. And its natural that I like the type of person my good friend married - we are like minded people.

[Whoknew30]

Touching on a few points others have made (plus my own!).

 

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. Sure, we "see each other all the time" - but in reality, if you don't count the time spent sleeping, we "see each other" 2-3 hours a day after work. Much of that time consumed by cooking dinner, chores and other things. We cuddle for 30-40 mins each evening, then its off to sleep. So, we don't really get to spend that much time "doing stuff" during the week. Weekends, our hobbies often take us different directions - we go on "dates" 2-3 times a week (dinner + cocktails).

 

Another point - HE IS MY BEST FRIEND! When he is not with me, especially on something like a trip, I am constantly thinking, Oh, D would love to see this! Oh, he would love to eat that. Oh, I wish he saw this, its so funny, I can't wait to tell him! Basically, if I am having a good time, I want to share that with him.

 

 

 

 

See, I have never been into the "girls night" or "girls trip" sort of thing. Just really unappealing to me.

 

A fair number of my friends (and my husbands friends) are married, and we meet up as a group, because we are all friends. I enjoy chatting with and hanging out with my female friends husband's, and with my husband's male friends. My husband is friends with some of his buddy's wives, and with some of my female friends.

 

Maybe its because both my husband and myself had a circle of mix gender friends before we met - but for us, that is what is natural. And its natural that I like the type of person my good friend married - we are like minded people.[/quote

 

 

We definitely mix. Like my friends H will come over to hangout with me or vice versa. My friends & I have been inseparable since elementary school, so sometimes we need that time together. No husbands, no kids, just us, drinks & relaxation & reminiscing on our wild days ;').

[xxoo]

I just think it's awesome when long time couples are still best friends and want to spend time together whenever they can. That kind of love is something to treasure

[DKT3]

We spend all our time together doing stuff like raising kids and paying bills and sleeping so we can get up and do it all over in the morning. Spending dedicated time together (dates, time away from the kids, visiting friends, etc.) gets hard when life gets in the way. Maybe a better way of saying it would be "I wish I had more quality time with my spouse."

 

This.

 

I think once kids enter the picture it's so easy to lose sight of the need and desire to still be a couple and do things independent of the kids.

 

Family time is great, but one on one interaction with my beautiful wife is a most. Can't get enough.

[MissBee]

A married couple obviously spends a lot of time together. In my mind, that would mean breaks from that would be welcome sometimes — for variety, for independence, etc.

 

However, with a lot of married couples I see, there seems to be a priority to spend even MORE time together. It's hard for me to understand. (*Disclosure: I'm not married and need a lot of independence in relationships.)

 

But, for example, I recently spent a weekend with a group of friends, and one of my girlfriends agreed to stay an extra day with me. Her husband couldn't do that due to work, so he left before her. And for that day my friend was vocally and consistently bummed about her husband not being there. Nevermind the fact that they spend every single day and night together, for the most part, and had just shared their weekend together.

 

I have countless other examples. There just always seems to be this grasping for more and more "married" time. And I'm not talking about sex and I'm not talking about fresh newlyweds who are head over heels, either.

 

In situations like this, is it mostly break in familiarity that's so uncomfortable?

 

I would rather that than a couple who acted like they got a get out of jail free card when they were away from their SO.

 

Different people require different degrees of closeness, I am definitely one who needs a good balance of independence and togetherness, but I would much rather genuinely like my husband as a person so actually wanna spend time with him, even if we do see each other often, than to be in a marriage where I am sick of the person. I see more situations of the latter or where people are concocting ways to cheat and lie than the former, so your friend's situation actually sounds pleasant to me.

Edited August 25, 2016 by MissBee

[MissBee]

We spend all our time together doing stuff like raising kids and paying bills and sleeping so we can get up and do it all over in the morning. Spending dedicated time together (dates, time away from the kids, visiting friends, etc.) gets hard when life gets in the way. Maybe a better way of saying it would be "I wish I had more quality time with my spouse."

 

This is a good point as well.

 

Living together with jobs, kids, other stuff and just doing the day to day stuff of life isn't the same as quality time necessarily, so it makes sense that on a vacation or in a vacation setting one would feel different and be thrilled about that togetherness versus the day to day stuff of your different obligations.

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

A married couple obviously spends a lot of time together. In my mind, that would mean breaks from that would be welcome sometimes — for variety, for independence, etc.

 

However, with a lot of married couples I see, there seems to be a priority to spend even MORE time together. It's hard for me to understand. (*Disclosure: I'm not married and need a lot of independence in relationships.)

 

But, for example, I recently spent a weekend with a group of friends, and one of my girlfriends agreed to stay an extra day with me. Her husband couldn't do that due to work, so he left before her. And for that day my friend was vocally and consistently bummed about her husband not being there. Nevermind the fact that they spend every single day and night together, for the most part, and had just shared their weekend together.

 

I have countless other examples. There just always seems to be this grasping for more and more "married" time. And I'm not talking about sex and I'm not talking about fresh newlyweds who are head over heels, either.

 

In situations like this, is it mostly break in familiarity that's so uncomfortable?

 

You are trying to make an example for your argument based on a vacation. That is quite different from the time we see each other at home. You know, where responsibilities sometimes take priority over spending time with one another. Or even the time together is really time spent doing things you must do, not doing things you want to do. So do you have examples where you're hanging out at a married friends house when they are making dinner and doing typical every day routine stuff without their spouses and wishing they were there? Cause I highly doubt it. Maybe with the exception of "I wish H were here to help with the kids" type comments.

 

Do you have a best friend OP? One who you wish to be with you when you do fun things?

 

I'll give an example in my own life. I love camping and the outdoors. I love roughing it, and being challenged in hiking and backpacking. Rain, snow, 100+° weather, doesn't matter. I love the challenge. My wife, not so much. She encourages me to go off and have an adventure. Inevitably I always go alone. Not a day goes by in the back county where I don't think "man I wish she was here" and I'm a loner by nature. I actually enjoy the challenge of being alone on my own in the woods somewhere. I need it really, for my own mental health, I need to get away from everything. Even if it is just two days one night on the trail. But every time I'm excited to get away and having fun, there are always moments when I think "I wish I could share this with her" because she is my best friend. Has nothing to do with dependency. Its more like I'm missing a part of me that I wish to share my experiences with. I still have a wonderful time, don't get me wrong. I just wish I had her to share it with.

 

I don't see how you find this a bad thing. I agree with another poster, I just don't think you have ever found anyone who makes you feel that way yet. And sadly I think there are many married couples who are in your shoes too OP.

 

On another note, of course there are times when we need to kind of do our own thing. But I would hope she misses me when she is, like I miss her when I'm doing my own thing. Hell that's the reason I asked her to marry me in the first place, and I would like to think that's why she said yes. Two people who genuinely want to spend our lives together. Not because of kids, or social status, or religious beliefs, or any other outside factor. We just genuinely like being together. All the inside jokes shared, all the tough times spent leaning on each other for support, and even the fights which help us grow as a couple. I wouldn't want to go through any of that with another person. I don't subscribe to the idea of soul mates. That implies there is little work done to maintain those feelings for one another. I've never had anything come easy to me that I felt was worth a damn. It's easy to do your own thing all the time. It's hard to live selflessly for another, but the rewards are beyond measurable.

Edited August 25, 2016 by T-16bullseyeWompRat

[JohnAdams]

We spend most of our time together. We are each others best friend. Neither one of us does boys night out or girls night out. We love our vacations and go on three a year usually. Our best times are together. I think if anything, we would like to spend even more time together. Married 44 years and retiring next year and looking forward to spending all my time with my honey. I do not understand those who are married and want to live independently, but we are all different.

[Mr. Lucky]

Basically, if I am having a good time, I want to share that with him.

 

Exactly. The good times are "gooder" if I get to share them with my wife. I've gotten some nice feedback on a few things I've accomplished in my job and hobbies, but that pales in comparison to sharing a great experience together...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Standard-Fare]

OP back. Wow, a lot of responses here.

 

Is it true that I just haven't experienced this type of love? I suppose. I've been in love a few times, I know that urge to be around someone all the time, but I've never had that feeling sustain itself long-term. And my assumption was that even for marriages, that feeling wears off after time and a new type of relationship develops that's less ... all-consuming?

 

To those suggesting I am "jealous" of such interwined couples - no. But I will say this. From an outside perspective, as a friend, it's ... boring. In the cases I'm thinking about here, I once knew these people as independent individuals, before marriage. They were more engaging and interesting people for me to know then, more open to a broader range of experiences. Now they're shut off.

 

I acknowledge that my point there is basically irrelevant. And the end of the day, it's more valuable for people to have a comforting existence with steady love and support than to care how they're engaging with the outside world beyond that.

 

Still, I do believe that in many marriages there's a gray area between the wonderfulness of "we're best friends and in love and share our entire lives" and ... "we're co-dependent and have ceased to be individuals." It's simply that society approves this attachment as healthy.

[Lobe]

And my assumption was that even for marriages, that feeling wears off after time and a new type of relationship develops that's less ... all-consuming?

 

From an outside perspective, as a friend, it's ... boring. In the cases I'm thinking about here, I once knew these people as independent individuals, before marriage. They were more engaging and interesting people for me to know then, more open to a broader range of experiences. Now they're shut off.

 

My feelings towards my husband have waxed and waned over the years as our children and life circumstances have changed and evolved. Our personal needs and our need for one another will continue to change as our children move out and it's my hope that we will still feel loving after we're done all this child-rearing crap lol

 

And I hear you about it being "boring" - marriage does create a village of 2 (plus kids) and while this is ideal, I do think that there is a fine line between being "best friends" and just being co-dependent. How long has this couple been together now?

Edited August 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[Standard-Fare]

My feelings towards my husband have waxed and waned over the years as our children and life circumstances have changed and evolved. Our personal needs and our need for one another will continue to change as our children move out and it's my hope that we will still feel loving after we're done all this child-rearing crap lol

 

And I hear you about it being "boring" - marriage does create a village of 2 (plus kids) and while this is ideal, I do think that there is a fine line between being "best friends" and just being co-dependent. How long has this couple been together now?

 

I'm really speaking here about a broad range of experiences I've had with married couples. And what my perspective is, as an outsider, to this "village of two" phenomenon. (Like the phrase.)

 

But the specific couple I brought up in my first example - where the husband left early from vacation- they've been together for eight years, married for three. Two kids from a previous marriage. No travel or military situation that separates them frequently.

 

So no, the behavior there wasn't a symptom of being gushing newlyweds.

 

In my second example - the husband insisting on the airport drive - they've been together for nine years and married for just about 1.5 years. The clinginess of their relationship definitely intensified once they were married. I often feel like an intruder for just spending time with them.

[Katyp]

I have been married for 26 years and my husband and I do everything together. We run businesses together and never get bored of each other. I still like spending time with my girlfriends though and go and stay with them occasionally. I think it is important to still have other people and interests in your life as well.

[lucy_in_disguise]

It's great to like your spouse and want to spend a lot or even all your time with him/her, but I agree with the OP that some couples forget how to act like individuals, and those are annoying as fcvk to be around. The first example would definitely fall in that category for me. I can't stand whiny people and hearing the wife bring up how much she misses her husband after being apart for 1 day would drive me nuts. It's fine to miss him but no need to repeatedly declare this to me while I'm trying to have a good time and bond with her.

 

The second example imo is potentially slightly more excusable just because you don't necessarily know the whole story.... but if that's the whole story, to me that's also more codependence than romance.

 

Just because you like your spouse and want to spend all your time with them, doesn't mean you should forsake all other relationships. And it certainly doesn't mean you should spend your vacation with a friend reiterating how much you miss him/her.

 

Different strokes for different folks I guess but personally I respect social graces, building relationships of different kinds, and the ability to be practical and independent, despite love, not because it is lacking.

[sandylee1]

 

In another example, different female friend: I recently offered to take my friend to an airport an hour away, because it made a lot of logistical sense. But instead, her husband took over that duty even though it was wildly inconvenient for him. I got the impression they wanted that final hour in the car together before the trip. I don't judge that, but I also don't understand it ... what's another hour when you already spend all your time together and just had the night alone together before?

 

Maybe the husband doesn't want you getting too close to his wife.

Some men are weary or feel a bit threatened when a man has a few female friends.

 

They don't want to be told during an argument "Standard Fare is so caring and helpful he took me to the airport". Her husband may see this as his job to do.

 

I actually value time away with my sisters, so that takes me away from my husband. He's still there when I get back.

[Standard-Fare]

Maybe the husband doesn't want you getting too close to his wife.

Some men are weary or feel a bit threatened when a man has a few female friends.

 

They don't want to be told during an argument "Standard Fare is so caring and helpful he took me to the airport". Her husband may see this as his job to do.

 

I actually value time away with my sisters, so that takes me away from my husband. He's still there when I get back.

 

Clarification from OP here: I'm a woman, actually.

 

I admit that the airport thing was a bad example. But in general, this couple (the wife is one of my oldest and closest friends) just gives a vibe of "Do not intrude upon our special union," which makes me feel uncomfortable even visiting now.

 

I used to hang out constantly at my friend's house, back when she was single but even through her years of dating. Once they became engaged and the guy moved in, the entire mood shifted. There's a certain possessive angle on it coming from the husband, and my friend's social life has decreased to an alarming degree.

 

I'm not trying to be sour grapes, and I accept that this shift is natural, for the most part. But it's been a challenge for me to learn how to navigate the new boundaries.

[Lois_Griffin]

Still, I do believe that in many marriages there's a gray area between the wonderfulness of "we're best friends and in love and share our entire lives" and ... "we're co-dependent and have ceased to be individuals."

I can't argue this point with you.

[Anderlie]

Yeah I know those couples too OP and i see where you're coming from. Some women define themselves by their relationships to others because we are generally taught to be wives, mothers, what have you and it can be very easy to fall too far into those roles. There can also sometimes be a weird thing where you, as the single person, are seen as a threat because you might take your friend out and make her flirt and cheat and god knows what else. It isn't rational but it exists. I think rather than get annoyed you can work harder to be a good friend however you can. Couples that tight can sometimes turn toxic and your friend may need you one day.

[sandylee1]

Clarification from OP here: I'm a woman, actually.

 

I admit that the airport thing was a bad example. But in general, this couple (the wife is one of my oldest and closest friends) just gives a vibe of "Do not intrude upon our special union," which makes me feel uncomfortable even visiting now.

 

I used to hang out constantly at my friend's house, back when she was single but even through her years of dating. Once they became engaged and the guy moved in, the entire mood shifted. There's a certain possessive angle on it coming from the husband, and my friend's social life has decreased to an alarming degree.

 

I'm not trying to be sour grapes, and I accept that this shift is natural, for the most part. But it's been a challenge for me to learn how to navigate the new boundaries.

 

Sorry. I didn't realise you were female.

 

Couples can be funny at times, but the couples you speak of are obviously trying to keep close and tight.

[Dolfin80]

I'm with ya OP. Some people get obsessed with their relationship to the extent that they stop enjoying life with others.

 

I hate spending time with the same person, so I'm not relationship material. I enjoy spending time with multiple people, keeps life interesting and rich. I tend to enjoy the company of only single people as married people I find boring.

[BettyDraper]

Never said anything was wrong with it... it just stood out to me. Maybe it annoyed me a little bit, in the sense of "What's the big deal, it's just one day without him compared the majority you spend with him, why can't you relax and enjoy the day." Like, is MY company as a friend so inferior and inadequate?

 

Responding to another comment, what confuses me most is that it's not necessarily "quality time" married couples seem to be seeking. It's just "time," period.

 

In another example, different female friend: I recently offered to take my friend to an airport an hour away, because it made a lot of logistical sense. But instead, her husband took over that duty even though it was wildly inconvenient for him. I got the impression they wanted that final hour in the car together before the trip. I don't judge that, but I also don't understand it ... what's another hour when you already spend all your time together and just had the night alone together before?

 

Well, spouses come before friends. Your friend is not in a monogamous and sexual relationship with you. You and she have not taken vows. I agree that spouses should be able to spend time apart and nurture other relationships, but it's unreasonable to expect a friend to think that time with you is superior to time with her husband.

 

Love is about sacrifice. In a happy marriage, inconveniences do not matter if it means making life easier for a spouse. It's very common for couples in love to miss each other when one of them is not home. Her husband probably wanted to say goodbye to her.

 

I hate to sound like a sanctimonious married person. However, I don't think this is something that you will understand until you fall in love and want to spend the rest of your life with someone. I am sorry because that sounds insufferable and condescending. It just seems like some things need to be experienced to be truly understood.