One thing I never understand about married couples

[BettyDraper]

OP back. Wow, a lot of responses here.

 

Is it true that I just haven't experienced this type of love? I suppose. I've been in love a few times, I know that urge to be around someone all the time, but I've never had that feeling sustain itself long-term. And my assumption was that even for marriages, that feeling wears off after time and a new type of relationship develops that's less ... all-consuming?

 

To those suggesting I am "jealous" of such interwined couples - no. But I will say this. From an outside perspective, as a friend, it's ... boring. In the cases I'm thinking about here, I once knew these people as independent individuals, before marriage. They were more engaging and interesting people for me to know then, more open to a broader range of experiences. Now they're shut off.

 

I acknowledge that my point there is basically irrelevant. And the end of the day, it's more valuable for people to have a comforting existence with steady love and support than to care how they're engaging with the outside world beyond that.

 

Still, I do believe that in many marriages there's a gray area between the wonderfulness of "we're best friends and in love and share our entire lives" and ... "we're co-dependent and have ceased to be individuals." It's simply that society approves this attachment as healthy.

 

Just because a couple wants to spend time together, it doesn't mean that they are codependent. It's natural for friendships to change when marriages and children come into the picture. When my friends have children, I expect them to want to spend time with their babies and families more than me. What I will not tolerate is disrespectful behavior or snide remarks.

 

When I read your posts, I detect a lot of bitterness and jealousy. This could be because you are clearly grieving the "loss" of your friend to marriage. What you deem to be "boring and codependent" is rather fulfilling for your friend. You may want to think about managing your expectations for this particular friendship. I'm not saying that you should cut her off but maybe distancing yourself and focusing on other friendships could be helpful.

[BettyDraper]

I've always been one who liked time to myself. I've watched my parents and some friends over the years and wondered how/why they spend so much time together. I have long thought, that would never be me... Until I met my latest boyfriend. We are good friends and I'm head over heels for him right now... A day that I don't see him is a sad day for me. I count the hours until I can see him again. It's been most amusing to me, because I never thought I would feel this way.

 

Love is a wonderful surprise for those of us who are very independent.

 

I used to nag my mother about the way she fussed over my dad. I told her that she was his maid and vowed that I would NEVER get married and become a "man's slave." I was a raging feminist in my late teens and early twenties.

 

That changed as soon as I met my husband and my mother loves to tease me about how many shots I took at her.

 

May you and your boyfriend have a joyous relationship.

[OneLov]

OP,

 

I have a slightly different perspective. As far as how much time a couple spends together or how much one person wants to ostensibly inconvenience him/herself for the sake of the relationship is a question only the two people in a relationship need to answer for themselves. In other words, I don't see anything wrong with the airport situation. Her husband probably didn't look at driving his wife to the airport like an inconvenience.

 

Now the vacation situation, I would take issue with. Not because they're married but because it's rude to voluntarily commit to spending time with someone if your actions demonstrate that you do not want to be there. No one wants to hangout with someone if their actions or words indicate they would rather be somewhere else. So it is natural to feel rejection and want to remove yourself from the situation.

 

It's rude to agree to spend time with someone but then spend that time thinking of or interacting with someone else. If you go out with your SO, and you are answering work emails, unless it's a true emergency--it's rude. If your in class and you're talking with the kid next to you when others are trying to learn--it's rude. When your with spending time with your parents and you make a priority of texting your friends the entire time--it's rude.

 

I don't see the relationship being the issue; it's the individual's lack of respect and social etiquette.

[GunslingerRoland]

I know for me I work all day, I get home the kids are just home from school I start tidying, working on dinner. My wife is busy doing stuff too, there are days where my wife and I don't say more than a couple of words to each other until almost bed time. So being together is kind of a loose term. Sure we might be in the same house, but it's not like we get home from work and spend 6 hours talking to one another before bed.

 

 

I can't think of a time where I spent so much time with my wife in day to day life where I was anxious for a break from her.

[wmacbride]

A married couple obviously spends a lot of time together. In my mind, that would mean breaks from that would be welcome sometimes — for variety, for independence, etc.

 

However, with a lot of married couples I see, there seems to be a priority to spend even MORE time together. It's hard for me to understand. (*Disclosure: I'm not married and need a lot of independence in relationships.)

 

But, for example, I recently spent a weekend with a group of friends, and one of my girlfriends agreed to stay an extra day with me. Her husband couldn't do that due to work, so he left before her. And for that day my friend was vocally and consistently bummed about her husband not being there. Nevermind the fact that they spend every single day and night together, for the most part, and had just shared their weekend together.

 

I have countless other examples. There just always seems to be this grasping for more and more "married" time. And I'm not talking about sex and I'm not talking about fresh newlyweds who are head over heels, either.

 

In situations like this, is it mostly break in familiarity that's so uncomfortable?

 

I spend a lot of time apart from my spouse because of his career.

 

I miss him terribly when he is gone, and even if he didn't spend so much time away,I'd still like to spend as much tie with him as i can. I don't say that out of dependence and him, but rather because we have fun together and a enjoy spending time with him. I have other friends, but it's not the same.

 

He is my best friend, and I both like and love him dearly.

Edited September 7, 2016 by wmacbride