When is it safe to have texting conversation with your ex?

[CLP]

So my ex and I (I am 19 and she is 18) broke up a month and a half ago. I gave her a period of no contact for about 20 days I'd say. It was more of limited contact but whatever. (This was after we got back from California, we broke up before the trip but it was too late for her to get a refund, I know it's weird.) About 5 or 6 days into no contact, she texted me "I miss talking to you, I wish you text me more often." I responded after a couple of hours neutrally, not letting her know that I missed her too. She said I seem happy without her so she figured I'd want to talk. Again, knowing this was a trap, I responded neutrally and all together stopped responding afterwards. About 5 days later she sent me a snapchat of a sticky note I left her a while back saying "I love you :)" with the caption ":(". Moments later she texted me, "I miss u." I ignored it. We ended up getting a bite to eat a week later because she was going off to college (About 2 hours away from me) and because she told me she wanted to get lunch before she left. After that I continued with NC, as well as continued to stop liking her Instagram pics just to add to it. She texted me a few days later once she was moved into her dorm and stuff, "Hey how are you" I said I was great and we carried on a conversation for what was probably longer than it should've been. Knowing this, I just stopped responding, not wanting to get sucked into talking to her a lot. About an hour ago, she texted me asking if I liked the lunch place I went to (Which she suggested I go to when we met up for food). The question is, do I respond with a brief response, or ignore her? Do I need to start no contact all over again? I don't want to be rude, she said I was when I wasn't responding her texts previously. We broke up on good terms and I am very special/important to her but I want her to miss me as well and I do want her back. Thanks!

 

P.S. the main reason we broke up is because she was going off to college and I decided to stay here, even after she pushed me to go, and she didn't want to do long distance/be tied down (Even though 2 hours isn't that far away). I didn't get into the school she's going to and didn't want to go over there just for a community college.

Edited August 24, 2016 by CLP

[basil67]

She broke up with you, right? Then she does have the right to call you rude if you don't respond to her.

 

Tell her that you would love to stay in her life as a boyfriend. But if she will not have you as a boyfriend, then she needs to give No Contact so that you can move on. If she cannot understand this, then she is just plain selfish.

[JewelD]

stop talking to her. If she wants you back, she will say so. All she's doing is keeping your around for attention.

[CLP]

But if she finds out I'm doing NC, wouldn't that show her that I still care and then that will push her away?

 

Also, do you think she will be getting over me easily or no? She is at FAU now and obviously meeting new people and what not, and I see her snapchats of her around multiple guys she just met. (Even though she is still with a group of people while doing so I'm pretty sure). Does the 2 hours a way thing really affect my chances of attracting her back to me, obviously she still thinks I am physically attractie, I need to make her attracted to me even further. I have decided that I may be transferring to FAU, not for her, but because at this point, I really want to go over there once this semester ends. But I am not going to inform her of this for a while. I have been really working on building myself and trying new things ever since the breakup,(Like eating extremely healthily, slowly going more and more vegan, she is also vegan and has been a huge inspiration to me) and she is aware I am doing some of these things. Also have put on some noticeable muscle at the gym. Keep in mind, I am also still close to her family and her little brother who sees me as an inspiration, and my ex is still close with my sister. So we are all still close which is a good thing.

Edited August 26, 2016 by CLP

[Simon Phoenix]

You shouldn't be in any contact with her unless you honestly have no romantic feelings for her and are completely cool with being her friend. Since you're obviously not, stop talking to her. She's keeping in contact for her own amusement and because you're an ego boost. If she really wanted to be with you she wouldn't have dumped you in the first place.

[CLP]

But why would she want attention from me if she has friends and is making new ones over in college? She's getting attention from them right? I mean she seems pretty occupied over there.

[PegNosePete]

What does it matter what her motivations are? You're wayyy over-thinking this, and analysing the wrong thing entirely.

 

The only question you should be asking yourself is, does she want to get back together with me or not? If no, then going no contact is the best thing you can do.

[angel.eyes]

But why would she want attention from me if she has friends and is making new ones over in college? She's getting attention from them right? I mean she seems pretty occupied over there.

 

She has a bit of time now to remain friends. Rest assured that as soon as she's fully settled in her new environment with her new social circle, and college obligations set in, she'll drop you.

 

Now, let's go through what no contact means as you've been doing the exact opposite of NC so far.

• NO lurking on her social media pages. (Who cares if you aren't liking all her IG posts? You should not be checking her stuff in the first place!)
  
• NO communicating. (All those text exchanges, Snapchats, etc? Yup! That means none of those!)
  
• Block and delete her from email, your phone, social media, phone apps, etc.. Make it impossible for you to contact her and for her to contact you. (Yeah, I know. You're wondering how you're supposed to know if she's contacting you and *gasp* when she stops. That's the point. You shouldn't know. The goal is to get to a place where you don't care.)
  
• No gifts, tokens, photos, or other reminders of her. Into the trash they go! There should be no trace of her remaining in your life.
  

 

Here is a more complete list:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

[angel.eyes]

What does it matter what her motivations are? You're wayyy over-thinking this, and analysing the wrong thing entirely.

 

The only question you should be asking yourself is, does she want to get back together with me or not? If no, then going no contact is the best thing you can do.

 

The answer is no. She broke up with you. While she misses you, she's done nothing to ask you to come back. She's moving forward with her life and college. You need to move forward too, rather than getting mired in the past.

[Bufo]

When is it safe? When the moon is in he seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars ......

 

You're way to young to know of that 60's song from Hair but that astrogical alignment is when peace will guide our planet

 

In other words it hasn't happened yet and will not happen.

 

Don't worry. She's in a single girls paradise now and will have lots

Of boys chasing her. She'll lose interest in you. Drop the Facebook views.

[ExpatInItaly]

She's still talking to you because she doesn't hate you. You spent some good times together, surely. Even dumpers feel sadness at the end of the relationship, even though they know it's not working. She probably also feels guilty for hurting you and wants to make sure you're on good terms so she doesn't feel bad.

 

Don't transfer to her school. She will know it's for her. And do you really want to be around to see what she's getting up to? Probably not. You both need space right now, and you in particular need to begin the detachment process. It's nice that you were close to her family but you need to put some distance there too. Many of us were once close to our exes' families at one time. But those dynamics change after a break-up. I considered my ex's family as my own; they were simply wonderful people. That's not a reason to hang on to the past, though.

 

Keep living your own life. Really try to heal and begin a new chapter for yourself. It's not impossible she will come back to you; people can and do reconcile occasionally. But you need to operate under the assumption that it's really over and begin recovering. That way, regardless of whether you two find your way back to each other, you stand to benefit.

[CLP]

Thanks for the replies. One last thing..she just texted me saying "It actually pisses me off how much you ignore me". Should I just tell her I need some space?

[runup]

Thanks for the replies. One last thing..she just texted me saying "It actually pisses me off how much you ignore me". Should I just tell her I need some space?

 

I'd say yes. Don't say you need space, just lay it out. Basically say "I understand that you no longer want to be in relationship with me; that's okay. However, I am not going to downgrade and pretend to be your friend when we were something more. Best of luck."

 

Fake the "understanding". Just make it clear to her she can't have you as a text buddy/friend when shes feeling lonely or when she wants to feel good about herself. Think about her POV...you're having the time of your life, going to parties, guys hitting on you etc (all college things that happen quite a lot) AND having the comfort of knowing that if any time you get bored of that lifestyle or are just feeling lonely, there is a guy (you) who is there for you. Don't be that guy.

Edited September 6, 2016 by runup