She contacted me again after months

[Earlybird2016]

Hi

 

First time post so I'll try to keep a long story short, happy to clarify anything if I miss something out.

 

Together four years, then approx ten months ago (November) she got a new job, met someone new and about a month after that she ghosted me. Because of the new guy and also not wanting to appear needy, I sent maybe six texts, one email and a letter, all over a TWO MONTH period, and eventually after seeing her posting romantic stuff on Facebook on V-day I sent a text wishing her well and saying that she was always welcome to contact again, but I wouldn't be contacting anymore.

 

So, Feb to May, nothing. But it's her birthday in May, and I sent a very neutral (best wishes) birthday card, partly out of a hope to reconnect but not really holding onto much hope. A few days later, her sister text me on her behalf to say that the card was appreciated, and I basically said "She's welcome, best wishes to all the family."

 

My birthday was four weeks later, and she text. A brief conversation, pleasant enough. Since then, there have been five text convos, a few weeks apart, all initiated by her. General catch ups (weirdly, she drops hints about the new relationship but has never mentioned him directly even once). I know from mutual friends that she moved in with him in May (so now they live/work together) and she seems very happy.

 

I'm curious about the contact though. I've thought about the "traditional" reasons and I'm not sure they apply. Guilt? Maybe, but surely that would be eased after, say, the first TWO calls where I was approachable and friendly? Ego? Perhaps, but to all intents and purposes, she "WON" this, new job, new relationship etc, and while I'm pleasant in the convos, I'm certainly not begging for her back or showing my feelings, so I'm not sure what ego boost there is.

 

I've probably missed out lots, so happy to clarify if needed. All opinions welcome, but especially the female perspective. I don't know if I want her back, but certainly I'd like to talk and at the moment I'm more curious about the WHY rather than what might happen in the future.

 

Thanks, everyone

[Blanco]

She thinks you're her friend.

[Frogwife]

The problem is that nobody here can know the answer to what is in somebody's head... people here may try to tell you what she is thinking and there may be suppositions based on their own experience... but nobody knows what is going on in someone else's head... the only facts we have is that your ex with living with someone else and not available, so regardless of what her reasons are (which no one here can tell you), she is not available to you. That is all you can know for sure - trying to guess the rest will only drive you crazy.

[Earlybird2016]

Fair point. I'm kind of wondering if there's still something there, I guess. She's unavailable now, of course. I respect that, part of my reason for ending contact in February. But obviously if there's any chance she might return romantically, then of course I want to explore the possibility. I'm not looking for telepathy, but certainly I'm keen to draw on other folk's experiences. And btw, thank you for replying

[Marc878]

Some like to drop breadcrumbs. I doubt it's anything more than that.

 

You do seem to keep hanging on. It would be in your best interest to block everything go completely dark and move on like she has.

 

You're getting nothing out of this exempt wasted time you could be putting into your life.

[privategal]

She won?

I kinda think she's a loser.

She couldn't even thank you herself for the b day card, her sister did? I'm appalled by that yuck.

She likes the attention and so if she mentions her bF a lot she will not get you chasing her as much and so If she leaves it vague she ges to play a little game of you chase her, she pretends she doesn't know you are and that you still have feelings, she plays dumb.

She is dumb.

She's living with a guy and probably hiding from him the fact that she texts her ex.

A new place, man, job....that isn't winning, it's what a person is made up of inside. You can easily archeive the things she has achieved if you move forward and stop wasting your time on this dead end girl.

She's yesterday's news.

.

[Earlybird2016]

Thanks everyone for the response so far (and apologies to the mods, I posted this in two threads by mistake - the other is deleted).

 

You all make the good point about moving on. I AM in a much better frame of mind than I was even a few months ago. I'm not dating or anything because I know I still have feelings for my ex and know that a new relationship would be a mistake at the moment for both myself and any new partner.

 

My ex is LONG since off her pedestal in my eyes, but it was four years and of course I still care. I don't worry about IF a reconciliation would work, because I haven't seen her for nearly nine months (she may be very different) and certainly the golden rule is to approach a potential reunion as a NEW relationship. Whatever happens, our conversations have been nowhere near that.

 

I AM curious about her mindset tho, and would hate to dismiss a possible future discussion by auto-assuming breadcrumbs. Anyone have any experience of a similar situation?

[Sunnymae]

Maybe she was bored, or missing what you two had, or mad at her new BF, and wanted to reach out to someone. What were the text about?

[Earlybird2016]

The first message was a birthday wish to me that transitioned into a pleasant enough catch up. The second was about four weeks later, again a catch up. Two weeks after that, she text condolences as she'd heard one of my relatives had passed away. About four weeks after, another general catch up and another around four weeks after that.

 

I don't know. It's tempting after such a long period of ignoring me followed by no contact, that content aside, the texts ARE the message. But of course I'm doing my best to take them at SOME face value.

[Earlybird2016]

Any thoughts?

[OneLov]

What's a general catch up?

 

At face value, I would say this is her trying to smooth things over. She has been living with her boyfriend since May. She probably does care about you as a friend. She feels comfortable now that you have accepted she has moved on. One more communication that demonstrates you have not accepted that reality--she will bolt.

 

I would suggest to try your best to move on.

 

Having limited facts, I would assume this to be the most likely situation.

[biker23]

a bit more clarity. You were together 4 years and she ended up ghosting you vs any discussion? That's seems insane

[Logic10]

You had a 4 year relationship and she ghosted you and got with another guy without having to decency to break up with you at least? And you still texted her all polite and cordial for months after all that went down? Damn bro, c'mon now. You need to carry on like she's dead to you

[NopeNah]

Living with another guy and now texting you(her ex,whom she left)..Sounds like a real "Has it all together" type of person. Stop responding/feeding the stray,Brother!

[Blanco]

Based on the details, I'll tell you what she's doing: She's making sure she's on good terms with you. At this point, the honeymoon phase of her new relationship is waning. This doesn't mean she's ready to bounce, but there's a good chance she's at the very least looking at things a bit more rationally. She wants to know that if she bails on the relationship, you are still an option.

 

Of course, any self-respecting person would not be an option to someone who could so callously remove themselves from their lives.

 

I understand the temptation (and ego boost) communication with her might be giving you. Understand, though, that she left you in one of the most cowardly ways a person can leave a relationship. She's shown you what she's capable of. You'd be a damn fool to even entertain a future with her.

[Earlybird2016]

So, yes, the ghosting is entirely what she did.

 

My communication was so careful (and so spaced apart) because ... I was in shock, but realised I wasn't thinking rationally. So I made my loving feelings clear to her, left the door to communicate open, and walked away. Incidentally, I suspected, but didn't know for certain about her new relationship until the start of February, so the bulk of my efforts happened before that point.

 

I WAS a mess. Did what I suspect all of us here have done (or considered). Lost lots of weight, sleeplessness, despair etc. I've had six months of cognitive behavioural therapy and I'm on anti anxiety meds. I'm pretty unhappy but feel stable and in control of myself (example: the romantic stuff she posted on V-day tore me to pieces, but now I've seen photos of her and him via mutual friends, and can deal).

 

There are a million things (internal and external) that would make a reconciliation or even proper friendship at best difficult, but I can't help being curious about her reasons to resume contact.

 

One last thing: NOBODY who knew her or us (that I've spoken to) can believe she's capable of what she's done, which only adds to the confusion.

 

Thanks to all for the replies so far.

[Blanco]

It's not uncommon after a tragedy such as a shooting for friends and neighbors to come out and speak about how shocked they are. "He was such a nice guy," you'll hear.

 

I'm not comparing your ex directly to someone capable of murder. My point is that just because someone's actions shock those who know them doesn't mean they aren't capable of those actions. To wit: Your ex has shown she IS capable of this behavior, so whether or not anyone thought she was isn't relevant.

[Trinity_84]

You had a 4 year relationship and she ghosted you and got with another guy without having to decency to break up with you at least? And you still texted her all polite and cordial for months after all that went down? Damn bro, c'mon now. You need to carry on like she's dead to you

This was my first impression. You don't ghost someone you loved for 4 years. Block this person and move on, clean break, pal.

She is fishing for attention, reasons make no difference. Block and move on.

[Earlybird2016]

Thanks to everyone for your input so far.

 

I'm bumping the thread in the hope of any more perspectives/experiences/advice tho?

 

Thanks

[aloneinaz]

Wow.. she treated you like that after a 4 year relationship and you were having ANY contact w/her after that? Wow.. wow.. wow.. I don't want to sound harsh but why on earth would you have ANY contact w/someone of such poor character? You should have vanished from her world. PERIOD. I think you also need to look internally at your self esteem. People with strong self worth who get treated like dirt would NEVER have contact w/a person of such low character.

 

You owe her nothing my friend. You should be focusing on finding someone who wants you as a priority in her life, not posting about someone who kicked you to the curb like nothing so many months ago.

 

There are still lots of people who are caring, compassionate, kind and normal out there. Find one and put that person in the rear view mirror.

[Earlybird2016]

Hi

 

I'm hoping for some advice. My background story is on here under "she contacted after months" (sorry, don't know how to link to threads).

 

Long story short, we broke up nearly nine months ago. She's still with the guy she left me for. She's contacted a few times in the last few months, supposedly just to chat. I've kept the conversations upbeat (I'm hoping to reconcile at some point), not brought up the relationship etc. I was pretty destroyed in the months following the break up but she doesn't know that.

 

Now, a mutual friend has posted some photos on fb of a night out from a few months ago. At the time I was down to about 123 pounds, wasn't sleeping etc, and look like hell.

 

I've always kept my own social media positive, and I look/feel better now.But my ex saw the pics and knowing her, I think at some point she's going to ask about my health.

 

Do I be honest? I've worked hard not to SEEM needy or broken, but is there any value in being honest after nearly nine months about how badly it hit me?

 

Any advice welcome.

[LD1990]

Seriously man, you're better off ending these ridiculous little text message catch-up sessions and blocking her. This girl ghosted you after a 4 year relationship so she could go bang some other guy. What exactly is the appeal of reconciling with someone who does that to you?

 

You're wasting your time by continuing to have contact with her. All it's doing is causing you to over-analyze things to the extreme. Look at what you're doing here - you're asking how you should answer a hypothetical question she may at one point or another ask you.

 

She's living with another guy. She has moved on with her life, and you've been relegated to some ex she occasionally texts. The sooner you accept that and cut her out of your life, the sooner you can actually move forward.

[Toodaloo]

Life has ups and downs. Who cares what she thinks? If you do then that is your problem. GO full on no contact and quit torturing yourself over it.

[privategal]

The fact that you suffered so much should be reason enough to never let her back into your life. You haven't healed or moved on because you keep allowing her to talk to you. She's with someone and reconciling isn't in HER cards, but the false hope of her talking to you is causing you to hold on while all it does for her is not make her feel like the bad guy and stroke her ego.

[smudge21]

You're orbitting her life and refusing to let go, the fact you are "hoping to reconcile" says it all. Go find someone who will treat you with the same love, trust and respect you show them. Cut all contact, or you'll be hanging around in limbo like this for a good time to come.