She contacted me again after months

[lightfoot]

Forget all these details of who initiated what, what's an appropriate occasion to say something, and what a message means. Why didn't you block her out of everything a year ago?

[Blanco]

She text me again!

 

More asking what I was up to, what I was doing with the long weekend (it's a holiday here), telling me about an unwell relative of hers I was close to.

 

What is this??? Why contact every four weeks if she doesn't want to reconcile???

 

She has NO reason to contact me other than that!!!

 

Hey, here's a crazy idea: Just freaking ask her.

[Earlybird2016]

Forget all these details of who initiated what, what's an appropriate occasion to say something, and what a message means. Why didn't you block her out of everything a year ago?

 

Because a year ago, she was still my girlfriend. It's been ten months.

 

I haven't blocked since because I still had/have feelings for someone I spent four years with, and I don't think that childishly withdrawing the option of future contact is a mature way of dealing with a breakup between two adults.

 

She cut all contact with me when we split, and the reaction I got from people in my life and on the forums was that it was an immensely immature move after a four year relationship. I agree, and didn't want to pull such a childish move myself. So I quit initiating contact after six weeks, as soon as I learned she was seeing someone else.

 

This is all her now, contacting me every four weeks or so.

[Earlybird2016]

Hey, here's a crazy idea: Just freaking ask her.

 

Because dumpers are known never to give you a straight answer until THEY'RE ready. Plenty of posts say that.

[BC1980]

Because dumpers are known never to give you a straight answer until THEY'RE ready. Plenty of posts say that.

 

If she doesn't give you a straight answer, that means she isn't ready. I'm curious. How long are you planning to wait on this woman?

[lightfoot]

Because a year ago, she was still my girlfriend. It's been ten months.

 

I haven't blocked since because I still had/have feelings for someone I spent four years with, and I don't think that childishly withdrawing the option of future contact is a mature way of dealing with a breakup between two adults.

 

She cut all contact with me when we split, and the reaction I got from people in my life and on the forums was that it was an immensely immature move after a four year relationship. I agree, and didn't want to pull such a childish move myself. So I quit initiating contact after six weeks, as soon as I learned she was seeing someone else.

 

This is all her now, contacting me every four weeks or so.

 

The only thing she could have to say that would be of any interest or benefit to you is "I'm sorry, I @#$%ed up, please give me a second chance."

 

It's clear that that isn't going to happen, and it very rarely happens to anybody.

 

You're doing a lot of research, consultation, and worrying to decode messages that mean nothing at all, and you're likely going to keep doing this as long as there's an open line of communication with her.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

She text me again!

 

More asking what I was up to, what I was doing with the long weekend (it's a holiday here), telling me about an unwell relative of hers I was close to.

 

What is this??? Why contact every four weeks if she doesn't want to reconcile???

 

She has NO reason to contact me other than that!!!

 

 

She does have a reason to contact you. She thinks that you are friends, no more, no less.

 

You have let her know that you are ok with that arrangement so she will touch base every now and then for a catch up. That is what friends do.

[Earlybird2016]

The only thing she could have to say that would be of any interest or benefit to you is "I'm sorry, I @#$%ed up, please give me a second chance."

 

It's clear that that isn't going to happen, and it very rarely happens to anybody.

 

You're doing a lot of research, consultation, and worrying to decode messages that mean nothing at all, and you're likely going to keep doing this as long as there's an open line of communication with her.

 

NO dumper comes back with that as an opening shot, and when people post about those situations, everyone replies with "Booty call! Block! Ignore!" So it seems like a more realistic view of what a dumper would do after establishing and continuing to maintain contact after five months of silence would be to test the waters.

[Earlybird2016]

She does have a reason to contact you. She thinks that you are friends, no more, no less.

 

You have let her know that you are ok with that arrangement so she will touch base every now and then for a catch up. That is what friends do.

 

So ... that's a normal thing? If I posted here saying that my girlfriend of ten months had started to contact the four year ex she left for me after being with ME for five months, and continued to contact him with the most random reasons and with NO initiated contact from him, that'd be okay? Everyone would be saying "Don't worry about it, she obviously sees him as just a friend, clearly there's no residual romantic feelings there!"

 

Somehow I doubt that would be the response I'd get.

[Nadine123]

Hi there,

 

it's me Nadine, Im not sure if you remember me but I used to comment on this thread then went on vacation for 20 days to still come back and you're not convinced.

 

Did you consider therapy? because the fact that you're still obsessing over someone who treated you like you're worthless is not okay. Hope you are doing well *hugs*

[Earlybird2016]

Hi there,

 

it's me Nadine, Im not sure if you remember me but I used to comment on this thread then went on vacation for 20 days to still come back and you're not convinced.

 

Did you consider therapy? because the fact that you're still obsessing over someone who treated you like you're worthless is not okay. Hope you are doing well *hugs*

 

Hi Nadine

 

Of course I remember you I hope you had a great vacation!

 

I HAVE had therapy, about 8 months of it so far. What we've established is that, while I theoretically have many options open to me in terms of moving on, the issue is in terms of the quality of life I can have without the woman I love.

 

We talk a lot about GIGS here on the forum, and how many stories do we see where an ex bf or gf returns after a while because the grass didn't turn out to be greener after all? That's the situation I find myself in.

 

The grass, as we see so often, ISN'T greener than the life I had with my ex, and I think it's important we apply the same rules for dumpees as we do for dumpers.

 

I won't have a relationship at the expense of someone's feelings, because that's what she did to me (and her current boyfriend too, if her multiple attempts at contact are to be taken at face value).

 

Thanks for replying

[Imajerk17]

This is what I am curious about @EarlyBird2016: In all these texts this woman is sending you, did she even explain WHY she flat-out ghosted on you instead of giving you the respect of a proper breakup? Has she even apologized for her (awful) behaviour? Have you even asked why?

 

It's the huge elephant in the room. Even if YOU have moved on from that, she has not (unless she is a sociopath). These random text exchanges are a complete waste of time probably regardless, but definitely unless you talk about how your relationship ended.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

So ... that's a normal thing? If I posted here saying that my girlfriend of ten months had started to contact the four year ex she left for me after being with ME for five months, and continued to contact him with the most random reasons and with NO initiated contact from him, that'd be okay? Everyone would be saying "Don't worry about it, she obviously sees him as just a friend, clearly there's no residual romantic feelings there!"

 

Somehow I doubt that would be the response I'd get.

 

It depends on how much background information they were given about the situation. The most relevant detail is the fact that the nature of her communication, which you have stated is platonic, not romantic.

 

Some people like to remain friends with their exes, clearly she is one of them.

[Blanco]

This is what I am curious about @EarlyBird2016: In all these texts this woman is sending you, did she even explain WHY she flat-out ghosted on you instead of giving you the respect of a proper breakup? Has she even apologized for her (awful) behaviour? Have you even asked why?

 

It's the huge elephant in the room. Even if YOU have moved on from that, she has not (unless she is a sociopath). These random text exchanges are a complete waste of time probably regardless, but definitely unless you talk about how your relationship ended.

 

Why would she? Whether or not it still bothers him is irrelevant, because he's decided to put on a show and be all buddy-buddy with the woman who totally discarded him to be with another man. The time to broach that subject has come and gone. He would look weird now to bring that up, since he's been disingenuously acting like her pal for several months.

[BC1980]

NO dumper comes back with that as an opening shot, and when people post about those situations, everyone replies with "Booty call! Block! Ignore!" So it seems like a more realistic view of what a dumper would do after establishing and continuing to maintain contact after five months of silence would be to test the waters.

 

Testing the waters isn't a text every month or so. Testing the waters is sending out a text and then increasing the texts in frequency if there is a positive response. Also, she would be more flirtatious and actually talk to you on the phone or suggest a meet up. None of that has happened. She just randomly texts you here and there.

[LD1990]

I haven't blocked since because I still had/have feelings for someone I spent four years with, and I don't think that childishly withdrawing the option of future contact is a mature way of dealing with a breakup between two adults.

 

You're just finding whatever excuse you can to justify not going NC. You're not doing this to be mature, you're doing this so you can continue clinging to hope that she'll want to reconcile, despite all evidence to the contrary.

 

You've been ignoring everyone's advice for months now and asking the same questions repeatedly to try and get the response you want. Clearly your method of "no initiated contact" is failing pretty hard here. Maybe it's time to try something new instead of slamming your head into the same wall over and over.

[Earlybird2016]

Why would she? Whether or not it still bothers him is irrelevant, because he's decided to put on a show and be all buddy-buddy with the woman who totally discarded him to be with another man. The time to broach that subject has come and gone. He would look weird now to bring that up, since he's been disingenuously acting like her pal for several months.

 

Blanco - You're right, it WOULD look weird now (for me OR her, frankly, no matter how much EITHER of us wants to bring that subject up). But yes, for now that window is closed, at least until if/when her contact evolves beyond text.

 

Thing is, ALL the advice about steering towards reconciliation when the dumper finally contacts is geared towards "keeping the conversation light" and "not bringing up the old relationship unless they do". I'd venture that you've seen that advice as often as I have.

 

So ... it's tricky. Her last message was at 10:30pm, so we ARE venturing into classic late-night text territory. She is making her messages more emotionally intimate with things like the news about her unwell relative. This woman HAS everything since we broke up - new relationship, job, home, city, all of it. She doesn't need an ego boost from an ex that responds but never reaches out.

 

In the ten years I knew her (four in a relationship) she never once maintained contact with an ex like this, and definitely not while she was in another relationship.

 

I wish I COULD ask her. People that know us both read the conversations and all pick up on how we both seem to be walking on eggshells. But I'm scared, scared I might destroy whatever fragile connection that SHE has chosen to establish.

[Blanco]

You'll never feel comfortable with her again. No matter what happens. Even if she wanted to reunite and you did, you'd always have that seed of doubt that she could leave at a moment's notice because she's already done it once. And like most things, once you've done something once, it's a lot easier to do it again. Hell, she would be doing something like that again, since she's got a boyfriend.

 

But, yeah, we get it. She's the only one.

[Earlybird2016]

So it's ten months since she left me for someone else.

 

I've been no initiated contact for about nine months (though she's text me about once every three or four weeks for the last five or so). I've worked out, thrown myself into other things, tried to distract myself. I'm in my eighth month of therapy/meds.

 

She's still gone, and I still can't see a point to living with this pain.

 

I won't end my life, because I don't want her to blame herself, but I still wish I was dead every day.

 

I don't know what to do.

 

Blanco - There are probably better posts of mine that I could quote to illustrate that I subscribe to the same view as you regarding "seeds of doubt" if a reconciliation were possible, but this is probably adequate to make the point.

 

Of course I have doubts it could work again. That seems obvious, at least to me. I really don't think I'd be as bleak and lacking in optimism if there were constant glimmers of hope for a happy future there for me to see.

 

Sorry if that's the impression I gave.

[BC1980]

How long do you plan on giving this? Are you going to put a limit on how long you will wait for her to change her mind?

[Earlybird2016]

How long do you plan on giving this? Are you going to put a limit on how long you will wait for her to change her mind?

 

She may change her mind tomorrow, or in twenty years, or never. There's nothing I can do about that. Her feelings (like my own) are something I can't control, so I've never concerned myself with "changing her mind" beyond the four or five reach-outs in the first six weeks. Everything I've done since then - the working out, the therapy, the broadening my social circle, the achievements in work etc - have been about trying to find a way forward for ME.

 

I'm getting a lot of understandable flak for my, I don't know, "pride" in not chasing for about nine months, but given the length of the relationship, the brutality of it's ending and the fact I can't switch my feelings off like a robot, yes, I AM pretty pleased that, in terms of actively pursuing her, I WALKED AWAY.

 

But I realise your question is more about how long I'll continue to love her and want her back? Who knows? It seems impractical (and a bit insulting to myself) to put a deadline on my feelings. None of us, I presume, went INTO a relationship with an idea in mind of how long we'd love him or her. That's insane.

 

So I can't predict her feelings OR mine.

[Asenok baby]

Hi, you seem a very good person. However, you might be having a depression.

I completely understand how you must feel.

 

My opinion that you ex feels guilty, and she tries to smooth things up. Second thought, you attention and knowing you still remain feelings boost her ego. Everyone loves attention.

However, you are suffering because if she keeps contacting you, it would be difficult to move on for you. It would brings you back and pain.

I understand she is and was the one for you in you life.

But can you proceed relationship again who has already hurt you. It's is painful, let it be. Embrace changes.

You will find an amazing person in you life as long as you heal.

All the best to you.

[marky00]

I swear this is my favourite thread on LoveShack. Always such an interesting read. NC, MOVE ON, YOUR EX IS AN EX FOR A REASON = BORING.

 

 

15 pages long, proves my point.

[Earlybird2016]

Hi, you seem a very good person. However, you might be having a depression.

I completely understand how you must feel.

 

My opinion that you ex feels guilty, and she tries to smooth things up. Second thought, you attention and knowing you still remain feelings boost her ego. Everyone loves attention.

However, you are suffering because if she keeps contacting you, it would be difficult to move on for you. It would brings you back and pain.

I understand she is and was the one for you in you life.

But can you proceed relationship again who has already hurt you. It's is painful, let it be. Embrace changes.

You will find an amazing person in you life as long as you heal.

All the best to you.

 

Thank you for your kind words.

 

To clarify, I'm not actually depressed. A good indicator of depression is a disproportionate level of negativity, and my grief is actually entirely proportionate given what I've lost.

 

I'm not sure how much guilt my ex would need assuaging, given the many times she's contacted. Who needs forgiving eight times over nearly six months?

 

Ego? Maybe, but she has a very good life full of love and support, and she honestly has NO IDEA of how I feel about her, so an ego boost ... I'm not convinced.

 

And I don't think finding another person is an option I want to pursue, whether my feelings diminish or not. Yes, there's better, yes, there's different, but what does any of that matter if it's nothing even close to what I want for my life?

[Earlybird2016]

I swear this is my favourite thread on LoveShack. Always such an interesting read. NC, MOVE ON, YOUR EX IS AN EX FOR A REASON = BORING.

 

 

15 pages long, proves my point.

 

All I'm doing is being honest.