She contacted me again after months

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for replying. All my previous relationships (including the one with the ex in question) have been very loving, based on principles of mutual respect and support. The same with familial relationships. I see what you're driving at, and this would be so much easier if my ex were fulfilling some archetypal role, or being a bandaid to some wound in my psyche. She isn't.

 

I love her for HER qualities and flaws, not because she's the missing piece to anything. I'm grateful for her contact not because I'm starved of affection, but because it's her, and as the texts go on and she shows NO SIGN of looking for an ego boost or game playing, I remain curious about her intent.

 

I COULD find someone else. In as self-objective a way as possible, I have decent looks, a great job, the options of a good social life, a reasonable amount of women showing an interest ... but I'm not interested in anyone else, because I know it can't be as good, different yes, but never good enough in comparison to her. That's how love is. I know another relationship will be a dead-end, in the same way you don't have to eat dog vomit to know it won't be as good as steak.

 

My own self-worth has nothing to do with other women unavoidably lacking the combination of qualities I found in her. It's not my fault any more than it's theirs.

 

Ok. I get that you really, really love her, and that for you, she is your "one." Ok.

 

But: SHE does not really, really love YOU. For HER, you are NOT her "one." I feel like you are waiting for a poster here or for your ex herself to say that the reason she still contacts you is because she still loves you. But the truth is, when you really, really love someone, you don't break up with them. Right? Because you love her so much, you can't even CONSIDER that you could ever have better or just as good with another woman. Whereas she not only considered having better than you, she dropped you without thought and as we speak is with someone she wants to be with, who is NOT you.

 

I say this not to be harsh, but because these are the facts you are faced with. Of COURSE she still cares; you have been in one another's lives for ten years and no matter how you cut it, that is huge. Of course she will always remember you, and will think of you, and may sometimes even wonder, "What if...." But the only thing you have to go on are her actions. She left you, and is now with someone else. She remembers you and you were a big part of her life, so she shoots you a text every few weeks. That leaves a lot of time in between where she is off living her life, bonding physically and emotionally with her current boyfriend, making plans for her future....

 

Look. It's possible that she might realize over time that you are who she wants. But you can't influence that; it has to come from her. But I think she already showed you how little she actually values you by how she left you. That's the glaring truth you're refusing to see, because you're clinging to every tiny crumb.

 

I think many people on this board have been where you are and their advice to care for YOU and cut off contact comes from hard-won experience. No betrayal hurts like your own betrayal of yourself, your own failure to love YOU and your subscription to the fallacy that anyone can ever love you more than you love yourself.

[Stercrazy]

People who love each other don't treat each other like this. This is not normal. NC, Heal and move on. Good luck.

[Earlybird2016]

Ok. I get that you really, really love her, and that for you, she is your "one." Ok.

 

But: SHE does not really, really love YOU. For HER, you are NOT her "one." I feel like you are waiting for a poster here or for your ex herself to say that the reason she still contacts you is because she still loves you. But the truth is, when you really, really love someone, you don't break up with them. Right? Because you love her so much, you can't even CONSIDER that you could ever have better or just as good with another woman. Whereas she not only considered having better than you, she dropped you without thought and as we speak is with someone she wants to be with, who is NOT you.

 

I say this not to be harsh, but because these are the facts you are faced with. Of COURSE she still cares; you have been in one another's lives for ten years and no matter how you cut it, that is huge. Of course she will always remember you, and will think of you, and may sometimes even wonder, "What if...." But the only thing you have to go on are her actions. She left you, and is now with someone else. She remembers you and you were a big part of her life, so she shoots you a text every few weeks. That leaves a lot of time in between where she is off living her life, bonding physically and emotionally with her current boyfriend, making plans for her future....

 

Look. It's possible that she might realize over time that you are who she wants. But you can't influence that; it has to come from her. But I think she already showed you how little she actually values you by how she left you. That's the glaring truth you're refusing to see, because you're clinging to every tiny crumb.

 

I think many people on this board have been where you are and their advice to care for YOU and cut off contact comes from hard-won experience. No betrayal hurts like your own betrayal of yourself, your own failure to love YOU and your subscription to the fallacy that anyone can ever love you more than you love yourself.

 

Without sounding "New Age" about it, I do love myself in the way you suggest. My desire to rekindle something with her has nothing to do with self-esteem, rather with the quality of life achievable without her.

 

I've said on this board before, I don't think she's coming back, and I don't know how feasible a new relationship would be with her now anyway. That's not the point. I came to the forum to ask for advice on why she was contacting (away from the generic ego/guilt/etc that have proved themselves to be unlikely in this case), but what I've come to realise through everyone's thoughts is that I'm unwilling to "future fake" some kind of contentment without her. It's hard because I'm faced with knowing that whatever I achieve in life, wherever I travel ir whatever, the experience will always be so much less because I don't have the person I want to share all that with.

 

Self-love is all well and good, but people are predisposed to quality companionship, and it's a bleak thought to realise that isn't an option for me.

[Zapbasket]

Without sounding "New Age" about it, I do love myself in the way you suggest. My desire to rekindle something with her has nothing to do with self-esteem, rather with the quality of life achievable without her.

 

But your actions and attitude regarding this breakup, towards this woman, and on this thread don't show at all that you love yourself enough. You are clinging to her, clinging to the past, clinging to what is no longer, and preventing yourself from moving through the stages of grief so that you can continue living your life. The way you are going now, there is NO good outcome for you whatsoever. It seems you would rather cling to what you know rather than release yourself into the unknown--a leap of faith that is the heart of living and growing and, yes, loving yourself.

 

So I'm just not buying it, that you have high self-esteem. Maybe in general, yes, but right now, in response to this situation, no, you do not.

 

I've said on this board before, I don't think she's coming back, and I don't know how feasible a new relationship would be with her now anyway. That's not the point. I came to the forum to ask for advice on why she was contacting (away from the generic ego/guilt/etc that have proved themselves to be unlikely in this case), but what I've come to realise through everyone's thoughts is that I'm unwilling to "future fake" some kind of contentment without her.

 

But here's where your thinking is flawed. Your future without her is unfolding whether you want to accept it or not. There's no "future-FAKING" because it's happening regardless. What you set in motion based on your thoughts and attitude will BE your future. And right now, the future you are creating for yourself is a tomb, a monument to the past. There is no joy, or growth, or awareness, or aliveness in this future.

 

It's hard because I'm faced with knowing that whatever I achieve in life, wherever I travel ir whatever, the experience will always be so much less because I don't have the person I want to share all that with.

 

Self-love is all well and good, but people are predisposed to quality companionship, and it's a bleak thought to realise that isn't an option for me.

 

How do you KNOW this? How do you KNOW what your attitude will be in ten years? How do you know what is around the corner for you? You don't; no one does. Part of living is submitting to the wonder of the unknown. You are electing to cut off this process.

 

My friend, based on how your ex has treated you, I can GUARANTEE you that there can be better out there for you if you open yourself even a tiny bit to that possibility. I can also guarantee you that if you continue indefinitely with the attitude you currently have, your situation is bleak indeed. It's your choice.

[Earlybird2016]

But your actions and attitude regarding this breakup, towards this woman, and on this thread don't show at all that you love yourself enough. You are clinging to her, clinging to the past, clinging to what is no longer, and preventing yourself from moving through the stages of grief so that you can continue living your life. The way you are going now, there is NO good outcome for you whatsoever. It seems you would rather cling to what you know rather than release yourself into the unknown--a leap of faith that is the heart of living and growing and, yes, loving yourself.

 

So I'm just not buying it, that you have high self-esteem. Maybe in general, yes, but right now, in response to this situation, no, you do not.

 

 

 

But here's where your thinking is flawed. Your future without her is unfolding whether you want to accept it or not. There's no "future-FAKING" because it's happening regardless. What you set in motion based on your thoughts and attitude will BE your future. And right now, the future you are creating for yourself is a tomb, a monument to the past. There is no joy, or growth, or awareness, or aliveness in this future.

 

 

 

How do you KNOW this? How do you KNOW what your attitude will be in ten years? How do you know what is around the corner for you? You don't; no one does. Part of living is submitting to the wonder of the unknown. You are electing to cut off this process.

 

My friend, based on how your ex has treated you, I can GUARANTEE you that there can be better out there for you if you open yourself even a tiny bit to that possibility. I can also guarantee you that if you continue indefinitely with the attitude you currently have, your situation is bleak indeed. It's your choice.

 

Hi

 

You're right about the future unfolding with or without her. My comment about future faking referred more to both fooling myself that there's some worthwhile, enjoyable future ahead of me, but also to the horrific potential of "faking" an impossible depth of feeling with some future partner, effectively damning them to a loveless relationship when they deserve better. I don't want to use someone like that, but ultimately it's my only alternative to being without emotional or physical intimacy for the rest of my life.

 

My ex HAS treated me badly, but I'm weighing up her behaviour thru the break up against TEN years of knowing that she's a good person who loved me and still apparently cares enough to message me repeatedly with no obvious benefit to her.

 

I guess "better" depends on standards, and my relationship with her has raised my standards to an impossible degree to follow.

[Zapbasket]

Hi

 

You're right about the future unfolding with or without her. My comment about future faking referred more to both fooling myself that there's some worthwhile, enjoyable future ahead of me, but also to the horrific potential of "faking" an impossible depth of feeling with some future partner, effectively damning them to a loveless relationship when they deserve better. I don't want to use someone like that, but ultimately it's my only alternative to being without emotional or physical intimacy for the rest of my life.

 

My ex HAS treated me badly, but I'm weighing up her behaviour thru the break up against TEN years of knowing that she's a good person who loved me and still apparently cares enough to message me repeatedly with no obvious benefit to her.

 

I guess "better" depends on standards, and my relationship with her has raised my standards to an impossible degree to follow.

 

Have you ever heard the saying, "What you believe, is what will be"? The wording may be different across sources but the meaning is the same.

 

It's VERY hard to lose someone you think is wonderful. I totally get how it can feel like you could never be so lucky as to meet someone as wonderful. But nothing in life occurs on a linear scale. You must open your mind to the possibility that down the line, a DIFFERENT kind of wonderful in a relationship partner could be what is right for you at that time. Accepting that wonderful will in no way diminish the wonderful that this ex was.

 

Can you just pause for a moment and take that in?

[Earlybird2016]

Have you ever heard the saying, "What you believe, is what will be"? The wording may be different across sources but the meaning is the same.

 

It's VERY hard to lose someone you think is wonderful. I totally get how it can feel like you could never be so lucky as to meet someone as wonderful. But nothing in life occurs on a linear scale. You must open your mind to the possibility that down the line, a DIFFERENT kind of wonderful in a relationship partner could be what is right for you at that time. Accepting that wonderful will in no way diminish the wonderful that this ex was.

 

Can you just pause for a moment and take that in?

 

I have heard the saying, yes. So, if I believe that she'll come back, she will?

 

She IS wonderful, as we all can be on occasion, but I don't hold her in any unrealistic view of perfection. She's a flawed human being, just like all of us. But ... I can't subscribe to the "Not Better But Different" philosophy.

 

Sundials are lovely things, but if I lose my watch it'd be pretty crazy to carry one of them around with me, responding to challenges about it with, "But you don't understand! It's wonderful! It's not in any way better but by golly, it's DIFFERENT! Look how happy I am now that I've found a ridiculous and impractical replacement for something I've lost!"

 

It's an absurd example, of course, but frighteningly accurate in terms of my circumstances.

 

As I say, this isn't about esteem, or opportunity, this is about losing the person I WANT (not in a lazy "soulmate/oneitis" way). You're right about not knowing about how my mindset will change over time if I'm unlucky enough to see much more time in this suddenly wasted and joyless world, but somehow, I don't think I'm ever going to be thinking a sundial is more appropriate than a watch, nor some other woman more appropriate than my ex.

[Zapbasket]

I have heard the saying, yes. So, if I believe that she'll come back, she will?

 

She IS wonderful, as we all can be on occasion, but I don't hold her in any unrealistic view of perfection. She's a flawed human being, just like all of us. But ... I can't subscribe to the "Not Better But Different" philosophy.

 

Sundials are lovely things, but if I lose my watch it'd be pretty crazy to carry one of them around with me, responding to challenges about it with, "But you don't understand! It's wonderful! It's not in any way better but by golly, it's DIFFERENT! Look how happy I am now that I've found a ridiculous and impractical replacement for something I've lost!"

 

It's an absurd example, of course, but frighteningly accurate in terms of my circumstances.

 

As I say, this isn't about esteem, or opportunity, this is about losing the person I WANT (not in a lazy "soulmate/oneitis" way). You're right about not knowing about how my mindset will change over time if I'm unlucky enough to see much more time in this suddenly wasted and joyless world, but somehow, I don't think I'm ever going to be thinking a sundial is more appropriate than a watch, nor some other woman more appropriate than my ex.

 

Well, then if this is the case, and this is truly what you feel, it seems it would be worth it to call up your ex and point-blank ask her if you and she have a chance. It would be worth it to tell her that SHE is who you want, and that you are prepared to offer her in a relationship the very best that you can, that she is the love of your life and you are prepared to marry her RIGHT NOW.

 

It seems you have nothing to lose. And it's putting your actions in line with your words. You can't really lose when you have the integrity to courageously put yourself on the line for your dreams.

 

Happy to help if you want advice on how best to approach her. But I do think at this point you should go for it--otherwise what is your love?

[Earlybird2016]

Well, then if this is the case, and this is truly what you feel, it seems it would be worth it to call up your ex and point-blank ask her if you and she have a chance. It would be worth it to tell her that SHE is who you want, and that you are prepared to offer her in a relationship the very best that you can, that she is the love of your life and you are prepared to marry her RIGHT NOW.

 

It seems you have nothing to lose. And it's putting your actions in line with your words. You can't really lose when you have the integrity to courageously put yourself on the line for your dreams.

 

Happy to help if you want advice on how best to approach her. But I do think at this point you should go for it--otherwise what is your love?

 

Thank you.

 

I feel that she's been making all the running (as it were) in her constant contact, but I've been scared to broach the subject of meeting or a phone call or whatever, figuring that (as per all the advice about reconnecting) it's better to let the dumper take the lead, as too much too soon can frighten them off.

 

I wonder if a declaration now would qualify as too much too soon?

 

Another reason I've kept away from initiating contact is that she lives and works with her current boyfriend, and frankly, the last thing I want to do is contact at the WRONG time. Of course I can't predict a RIGHT time, but we've all taken a call when we're angry (as an example) and our attitude to the caller has been coloured by the context of the moment.

 

So, I'm scared to call/text first in case they're arguing, or being intimate or whatever, because obviously that would contextualise my contact (rightly or wrongly). For all I know, he may NOT even be aware that she's contacting me, which again might cause her problems if I message at the wrong moment, and give her a reason to resent me when so far, communication has been amicable.

[BC1980]

Thank you.

 

I feel that she's been making all the running (as it were) in her constant contact, but I've been scared to broach the subject of meeting or a phone call or whatever, figuring that (as per all the advice about reconnecting) it's better to let the dumper take the lead, as too much too soon can frighten them off.

 

I wonder if a declaration now would qualify as too much too soon?

 

Another reason I've kept away from initiating contact is that she lives and works with her current boyfriend, and frankly, the last thing I want to do is contact at the WRONG time. Of course I can't predict a RIGHT time, but we've all taken a call when we're angry (as an example) and our attitude to the caller has been coloured by the context of the moment.

 

So, I'm scared to call/text first in case they're arguing, or being intimate or whatever, because obviously that would contextualise my contact (rightly or wrongly). For all I know, he may NOT even be aware that she's contacting me, which again might cause her problems if I message at the wrong moment, and give her a reason to resent me when so far, communication has been amicable.

 

Why don't you write her a letter or ask her to meet you?

[Zapbasket]

Thank you.

 

I feel that she's been making all the running (as it were) in her constant contact, but I've been scared to broach the subject of meeting or a phone call or whatever, figuring that (as per all the advice about reconnecting) it's better to let the dumper take the lead, as too much too soon can frighten them off.

 

I wonder if a declaration now would qualify as too much too soon?

 

Another reason I've kept away from initiating contact is that she lives and works with her current boyfriend, and frankly, the last thing I want to do is contact at the WRONG time. Of course I can't predict a RIGHT time, but we've all taken a call when we're angry (as an example) and our attitude to the caller has been coloured by the context of the moment.

 

So, I'm scared to call/text first in case they're arguing, or being intimate or whatever, because obviously that would contextualise my contact (rightly or wrongly). For all I know, he may NOT even be aware that she's contacting me, which again might cause her problems if I message at the wrong moment, and give her a reason to resent me when so far, communication has been amicable.

 

I think what I'm trying to say to you is to stop wondering and start acting.

 

After a breakup, people are beset with wondering of one kind or other; it's inevitable. But when the wondering gets in the way of moving toward something, anything...then it's time to act. Either a person acts towards acceptance of the breakup and towards things that will bring them closer to the life they want or will give them more clarity about what they do want...or, a person acts towards gaining back what they lost. Neither direction is wrong, per se. Only stagnation is wrong. So, since you have point-blank decided that no one in your future could be an option as ideal as your ex, then you owe it to yourself to take bold action towards winning back your ex.

 

You need to have a good sense of reality about this, however. She might not want you back and might even resent that you still want her. And if this is the case, then you MUST begin action towards acceptance that you and she are not meant to be and towards other ways you can fulfill your dreams in life. Okay?

 

I'd stop beating around the bush, worrying about when might be the right time, etc. Truth is, you have no real idea what is going on in her life and so there is no logical way you can determine some "right time" to hit her up. This is where you GO FOR IT, all the way, and then let the chips fell where they may. Put it all out there, ALL OF IT. To quote one of my favorite writers, Annie Dillard (and while she's talking about writing here, it applies to all of life; it applies to your situation):

 

“...spend it all, shoot it, play it, lose it, all, right away, every time. Do not hoard what seems good for a later place...; give it, give it all, give it now. The impulse to save something good for a better place later is the signal to spend it now. Something more will arise for later, something better. These things fill from behind, from beneath, like well water. Similarly, the impulse to keep to yourself what you have learned is not only shameful, it is destructive. Anything you do not give freely and abundantly becomes lost to you. You open your safe and find ashes.”

 

Call her, write her, say what you need to say. Say it with your whole heart. Then step back and be ready to accept whatever happens. And be very, very proud of yourself for your courage, and your great heart.

[Earlybird2016]

Why don't you write her a letter or ask her to meet you?

 

I don't have her address now she lives with him, and again I don't want to cause her any issue if he sees the communication. The latter point also applies to an email or phone call.

[Earlybird2016]

I think what I'm trying to say to you is to stop wondering and start acting.

 

After a breakup, people are beset with wondering of one kind or other; it's inevitable. But when the wondering gets in the way of moving toward something, anything...then it's time to act. Either a person acts towards acceptance of the breakup and towards things that will bring them closer to the life they want or will give them more clarity about what they do want...or, a person acts towards gaining back what they lost. Neither direction is wrong, per se. Only stagnation is wrong. So, since you have point-blank decided that no one in your future could be an option as ideal as your ex, then you owe it to yourself to take bold action towards winning back your ex.

 

You need to have a good sense of reality about this, however. She might not want you back and might even resent that you still want her. And if this is the case, then you MUST begin action towards acceptance that you and she are not meant to be and towards other ways you can fulfill your dreams in life. Okay?

 

I'd stop beating around the bush, worrying about when might be the right time, etc. Truth is, you have no real idea what is going on in her life and so there is no logical way you can determine some "right time" to hit her up. This is where you GO FOR IT, all the way, and then let the chips fell where they may. Put it all out there, ALL OF IT. To quote one of my favorite writers, Annie Dillard (and while she's talking about writing here, it applies to all of life; it applies to your situation):

 

 

 

Call her, write her, say what you need to say. Say it with your whole heart. Then step back and be ready to accept whatever happens. And be very, very proud of yourself for your courage, and your great heart.

 

I can't message first for the reasons I outlined (if her relationship means anything to her, the last thing I want to do is cause her trouble) but if she continues with her once per month reach outs, then I'll lay my cards on the table.

 

Maybe you're right. Even if she says no, at least I'll know and can start accepting a life without love or relationships or companionship or joy or any darned point, frankly.

[marky00]

I went down that road for most of last year and it didn't end well.

 

 

The fact you say your worried to contact her is a red flag.

 

 

I think you need to be at the point where your not worried how she will feel if you contact her. I realise you may take a long time to get to that stage but that would give you your best chance.

 

 

You have to aim to get it to the point where your close to acceptance.

 

 

It's potentially a very painful game. I played it and I got ghosted and now NC for 3 months.

 

 

And it definitely hurts more second time around because they care less when they broke it off the first time.

 

 

I still go through all the what ifs. Its terrible. But, the longer NC goes, you are in a sense forced to accept the reality.

[Zapbasket]

I went down that road for most of last year and it didn't end well.

 

 

The fact you say your worried to contact her is a red flag.

 

 

I think you need to be at the point where your not worried how she will feel if you contact her. I realise you may take a long time to get to that stage but that would give you your best chance.

 

 

You have to aim to get it to the point where your close to acceptance.

 

 

It's potentially a very painful game. I played it and I got ghosted and now NC for 3 months.

 

 

And it definitely hurts more second time around because they care less when they broke it off the first time.

 

 

I still go through all the what ifs. Its terrible. But, the longer NC goes, you are in a sense forced to accept the reality.

 

I normally would not advocate going after one's ex, but in this case since OP is determined on this one point of nobody ever being able to be to him what his ex was, he has nothing to lose by giving it a go. In this exceptional case, I think he only has something to GAIN by laying all his cards on the table with her.

 

Sometimes we believe things so deeply--impossible things--that the only option is to go boldly in line with those beliefs. It's not crazy; sometimes it is the only way to grow.

 

But OP--DO NOT WAIT UNTIL HER NEXT CONTACT. This one time, YOU reach out to HER.

 

Then, if she turns you down, we can help you with your next steps, such as joining a monastery or something that embraces a life where one's greatest love is not romantic love, since your conviction is that you have already experienced your highest romantic love. And for the record, friend, I am not judging you. I am according your convictions the respect to be as they are, because at the moment you are not responding to them being challenged. And that is OKAY. You know your experience best and when you feel there is something to be gained or learned by listening to outside perspective contrary to your convictions, you will be opening to hearing it. Right now, you are not--and that is okay. But you must then honor your convictions to the fullest extent until you cannot anymore. So, step one: reach out to her and lay it all out.

[Been]

That doesn't bother you that someone can just up and ghost you?

I have been on your end. She didn't ghost me but she left. Started dating someone else. Out of the blue started contacting me. At first nothing serious.

Then she would drop hints to about her current boyfriend. He sucks. He's getting in her nerves. And I ate it up. She broke up with him. I JUMPED at the chance to get back. We did. About 6 months latter she broke up with me. Wasn't even a good reason. She started dating some else. We didn't talk for about 2 months. She started again with the contact. And just like prior I jumped to get back with her. Great for couple of months and then she breaks up with me again!!

Know what I realized? I was her security blanket. She was the type that can NEVER be by herself so by keeping a line open to me it assured her she would always have SOMEONE.

[noski]

Hi ,I agree with other posters!

 

I think for your own peace of mind ,ask her what you need to ask knowing that you may never get the answer you are hoping to hear .

 

It seems like you are addicted to your story " I will never find someone else ,I dont wanna ruin another woman's life ?I will never be able to love again "This is a story that your mind created and you are addicted to it .It was really hard for me to get over my ex but when he disrespected me and when I realized I wasnt going to settle for that,I had make the firm decision that this is not the type of person I want in my life.It was an excruciating pain but here I am today ,the only thing that reminds me of him is some juice when I do grocery shopping (his nickname lol ).

At this stage ,YOU are important ,how you treat yourself in the process.We're not even talking about how she treated you badly and didnt face any consequences but we are talking about how you respond with dignity and self respect .

Why is she coming back ?Because there were no consequences for her bad behaviour .You teach people how to treat you ...

 

I've read everything and at this point you have made up your mind but I think people were just trying to help you and you say that it has nothing to do with self esteem I think it has everything to do with self respect because you are settling for less than you deserve but maybe this experience is here to teach you something that you were ignoring and until you learn the lesson ,it will cut deep...aand show up until you learn what you need to learn .

The love you are willing to give ,it's yours ,give it to yourself.

 

The hard truth is people are gonna do what they do,cheat ,lie ,dump..but it's not personal ,it has nothing to do with us .The only thing we can control is how we respond and preserve ourselves.

 

I think this is a great occasion to take a deeper look within ,what is the lesson here ,what is this teaching you about yourself ?What hole is thing person filling?What pattern is being recreated ?Try to look within and break it because like everyone said,you are better off moving on but we all have a limited vision and you are a tough nut to crack .People suggested great advice by suggesting what you have to do to get past that ordeal based on their hard won experiences but like I said in the beginning of my post,you don't seem to be receptive enough to take that into consideration.So go ahead and Ask what you have to ask If that makes you feel better .At this point ,just do it because you keep finding excuses like "well I don't know she is with his bf,Im not sure I dont wanna do this ,appropriate timing yadayada"."Dont worry about that because you are already engaging in a conversation knowing he has a bf and knowing that your intention is to rekindle old flame .So it's not like you are a saint either

 

Have you really felt the hurt ?Did you take the Blow ?Did you let your heart break ? not bandage your hurt with something else but actually feel the core of the pain ?If not well I think it may be time to go there because right now ,it seems like the ego is taking over trying to find excuses here and there and you seem in denial .

 

It's easier said and done but I think that you have to be ready to RECEIVE the healing process and you do not seem ready judging by the repetitive tendency ,you seem really stuck but you have two choices :"Let go and move or hold on and stay stuck"

 

I hope you have the courage to move past this .

Take care

Edited October 23, 2016 by noski

[Been]

The fact that's she is living with someone and having these "secret" texts with you should bother you. And I'm pretty sure the person living with her doesn't know. If she can do it to him she'll do it to you.

My guess is she Lima thinking about jumping from him to you and she's setting it in motion.

[Nadine123]

I have no idea how you are still considering reconciling with this woman after ghosting you, even though she is texting you while she is living with someone else. As I said previously I was ghosted and if my ex comes back I would never even look at him.

 

You think you wont be happy in the future with someone else? I have no idea how you know but I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be with someone like that.

[Mind-Chants]

You are having such an unhealthy attachment to a person who showed you utter disrespect. If she was a friend for 10 years, atleast she would have made a point to talk with you rather than ghosting. You are attached your recovery process to her actions. Does it really matter why she is contacting you?

 

Think from her perspective: - I cheated and ghosted my bf. He must be very angry and mad at me. Let him cool down a bit and I will test the water later. Send a platonic message after few months. BF(with low esteem and displaced sense of self worth) replies. I feel ok that atleast he is not mad else he wouldn't have replied. My guilt subsides and I feel good about myself. I can gradually make a friendship bridge sending him text messages and desensitizing him. Things will be ok in a year or two.

That's her story.

 

I will make two points :

 

1. You are still at this point because you choose to. I haven't read everything but I am sure people must have suggested like go complete NC and BLOCK her. You can't blame her for your current state. It's all you. Whether you move out of it or not completely depends on whether you want or not.

 

2. She may have cheated. But your emotional fragility also points to someone who is capable to do something same. Doesn't matter whether you have cheated or not. So think of this as a process of becoming a better you.

 

I feel sorry you say that you just lost 10 months of your life for something not worth it.

 

Lastly a question which may seem random: what is your discipline level in a scale of 1 - 10 ???

[Earlybird2016]

Okay ... I know that everyone on this board has been through the same emotions, and I'm grateful for everyone's advice, even though of course oftentimes we have a difference of opinion.

 

I know pretty much everyone agrees that I shouldn't hope for a reconcilliation, but that aside, I WOULD be grateful for some input regarding the latest development ...

 

So, last Sunday evening, she text again. Her messages have averaged out at about one a month, but the last one before Sunday was about two weeks ago. She asked me a question about a former co-worker, as random an opening as every one of the eight or nine conversations she's initiated over the last six months or so. Interestingly, she admitted that she could have gotten the info in a number of other ways, but said that it was also a good reason for her to "check in" with me.

 

I answered her question and told her that she was welcome to get in touch any time, and her response was that I could check in with her at any time too, "if I wanted to".

 

I know some of you will have read through the thread, but to recap. I haven't initiated a single conversation with this woman in nearly nine months, bar a very neutral birthday card seven months ago, about three weeks before she reestablished contact. Since then, it's all been her.

 

So we have a kind of catch up conversation, a little more relaxed and jokey than the others. At one point she asked me "Can U keep a secret?" before disclosing some silly mistake she'd made at work. It sounds like nothing, but we all know how it feels when the texture of communication shifts a little, and that's how this felt (though obviously it's hard for me to be totally objective).

 

At one point I lost my phone signal and couldn't reply for about twenty minutes. When the signal returned, I saw that, although from her point of view she was being "ignored", she'd still text a couple of questions about ten or fifteen minutes into my radio silence, just asking if I was okay in work and whatever.

 

I emailed her to explain about the phone, and she sent back a "No worries, take care (My surname, as our surnames were always our pet names for one another)"

 

She's still with the guy she ghosted me for after four years together, the guy she knew for two months prior to our split and was moving in with five months later, the guy she works with as well as living with him.

 

So ... honest opinions. She's not a game player, or getting any kind of ego boost or guilt-easing responses from me, just friendly but neutral replies. One good thing about this forum is that nobody has any interest in offering false hope, but ... in people's experience, is it AT ALL feasible that she's regretting her (seemingly hurried) decisions?

 

I'm not asking if I should block or move on or whatever. I understand that's most folks' response. But I AM asking for thoughts about this latest development.

 

Thanks.

[Earlybird2016]

You are having such an unhealthy attachment to a person who showed you utter disrespect. If she was a friend for 10 years, atleast she would have made a point to talk with you rather than ghosting. You are attached your recovery process to her actions. Does it really matter why she is contacting you?

 

Think from her perspective: - I cheated and ghosted my bf. He must be very angry and mad at me. Let him cool down a bit and I will test the water later. Send a platonic message after few months. BF(with low esteem and displaced sense of self worth) replies. I feel ok that atleast he is not mad else he wouldn't have replied. My guilt subsides and I feel good about myself. I can gradually make a friendship bridge sending him text messages and desensitizing him. Things will be ok in a year or two.

That's her story.

 

I will make two points :

 

1. You are still at this point because you choose to. I haven't read everything but I am sure people must have suggested like go complete NC and BLOCK her. You can't blame her for your current state. It's all you. Whether you move out of it or not completely depends on whether you want or not.

 

2. She may have cheated. But your emotional fragility also points to someone who is capable to do something same. Doesn't matter whether you have cheated or not. So think of this as a process of becoming a better you.

 

I feel sorry you say that you just lost 10 months of your life for something not worth it.

 

Lastly a question which may seem random: what is your discipline level in a scale of 1 - 10 ???

 

Discipline level? Hmm ... I don't know. 8 or 9, maybe? The only way I can guage it is by thinking about past achievements, so ... I quit smoking (maybe 30 a day to zero) in one day, didn't go for the patches or avoid other smokers or anything, just stopped. I've run a couple of marathons for charity. I have a couple of degrees. So ... I guess I'm pretty disciplined.

 

What's important to understand is that I'm not stumbling through life hoping for nothing more than her coming back. Since the split I've stepped up my gym activity, worked to be promoted in my job, gone out with friends, lots of stuff since I quit contacting her around nine months ago. I'm well respected in my profession, get a fair amount of attention from women etc, so I'm unsure if there are issues with "low esteem or displaced self worth", and certainly my ex would have seen or heard NOTHING to indicate that I'm missing her unduly or not coping.

 

Ultimately, I've used the last ten months or so as a period of self-reflection and as a time of gaining some perspective on what's important. I absolutely DON'T blame her for my current state of mind. It is, as you say, all me, and I'm more than a little proud of myself for attaining such clarity of perspective as to what I want from my life.

[marky00]

A similar shift happened with my Ex when I was chasing (in a very passive way).

 

 

She started sounding more like her old self and more open. As it turned out she had been fighting with the new BF almost 24/7. When he finally chose to end it, within a month after that she was back at the point where she would answer my texts within 1 minute every time (at that point I didn't even know they had broken up).

 

 

Here's the thing but, this is a bad reason for her to be contacting and here is why.

 

 

Lets say the new guy breaks up with her. For a few months, she will probably turn her attention to you because you would be a soft landing. But, in time as she works through her heartache, she will totally move on from the heartache she caused you.

 

 

That's what happened in my case and our situations are very similar indeed.

 

 

The reality is she isn't 100 per cent happy with the new guy and that's why your hearing from her. But one day, when they breakup, for a while you may hear from her even more but soon after that she will disappear for good.

[Blanco]

Okay ... I know that everyone on this board has been through the same emotions, and I'm grateful for everyone's advice, even though of course oftentimes we have a difference of opinion.

 

I know pretty much everyone agrees that I shouldn't hope for a reconcilliation, but that aside, I WOULD be grateful for some input regarding the latest development ...

 

So, last Sunday evening, she text again. Her messages have averaged out at about one a month, but the last one before Sunday was about two weeks ago. She asked me a question about a former co-worker, as random an opening as every one of the eight or nine conversations she's initiated over the last six months or so. Interestingly, she admitted that she could have gotten the info in a number of other ways, but said that it was also a good reason for her to "check in" with me.

 

I answered her question and told her that she was welcome to get in touch any time, and her response was that I could check in with her at any time too, "if I wanted to".

 

I know some of you will have read through the thread, but to recap. I haven't initiated a single conversation with this woman in nearly nine months, bar a very neutral birthday card seven months ago, about three weeks before she reestablished contact. Since then, it's all been her.

 

So we have a kind of catch up conversation, a little more relaxed and jokey than the others. At one point she asked me "Can U keep a secret?" before disclosing some silly mistake she'd made at work. It sounds like nothing, but we all know how it feels when the texture of communication shifts a little, and that's how this felt (though obviously it's hard for me to be totally objective).

 

At one point I lost my phone signal and couldn't reply for about twenty minutes. When the signal returned, I saw that, although from her point of view she was being "ignored", she'd still text a couple of questions about ten or fifteen minutes into my radio silence, just asking if I was okay in work and whatever.

 

I emailed her to explain about the phone, and she sent back a "No worries, take care (My surname, as our surnames were always our pet names for one another)"

 

She's still with the guy she ghosted me for after four years together, the guy she knew for two months prior to our split and was moving in with five months later, the guy she works with as well as living with him.

 

So ... honest opinions. She's not a game player, or getting any kind of ego boost or guilt-easing responses from me, just friendly but neutral replies. One good thing about this forum is that nobody has any interest in offering false hope, but ... in people's experience, is it AT ALL feasible that she's regretting her (seemingly hurried) decisions?

 

I'm not asking if I should block or move on or whatever. I understand that's most folks' response. But I AM asking for thoughts about this latest development.

 

Thanks.

 

Guy, look. It's time to lay your cards out on the table and put this to rest once and for all.

 

As a neutral third-party, what you describe sounds like nothing more than a friendly conversation between two long-time pals. There's nothing to read into here. Like all of the other conversations you've described having with her, it really feels like you're grasping for straws to find sub-text where there simply is none. When I got to the "can you keep a secret" part, I thought, "Oh, wow, she's going to disclose some issues with her current relationship or maybe hint at remorse for what she did to the OP." Nope. Something embarrassing she did at work? I have people I barely know disclose juicier "secrets" than that!

 

You have mentioned that she's not a game-player. Based on what you've told us, I would have to agree with your assessment. And that is why, once again, I go back to my very first post in this thread: She thinks you're her friend. That's it.

 

I know you want it to be more than that, but there's just nothing to substantiate that notion other than you're attempts to find hidden meaning in what she says or does.

 

Honestly, I'd like to think that's the case, too, because if she were thinking what you hope she's thinking, she would be conducting herself quite poorly for someone who's in a relationship and living with another man.

 

Regardless, it's time to straight up tell her how you feel. You can't keep on like this.

[marky00]

I agree.

 

 

I think she is still hoping u guys can be friends.

 

 

My Ex asked me to be her best friend at one point. I told her to take a hike.

 

 

Which is probably why she resorted to ghosting in the end.

 

 

Unlike you, I was initiating contact once every 6 weeks or so, just checking in occasionally to get some answers etc.

 

 

It probably wasn't the most attractive behaviour but at least she knew how I felt. You are acting like your ok, which means she may actually think you are.

 

 

So your in between the 2 ways you need to do this.

 

 

Option 1: NC, no more answering texts unless the commitment on her end increases dramatically.

 

 

Option 2: Lay it out on the table one last time how you feel and then disappear.

 

 

You got to stop this acting business.

 

 

Honestly, I think if u choose Option 2, she probably will change her behaviour and she may disappear. However, that's ok. That doesn't mean you wont hear from her a few years from now. But it does mean she doesn't want the same thing you want RIGHT NOW.