She contacted me again after months

[LancasterAmos1966]

Because when you love someone - and I mean REALLY love them, away from childish notions of one-itis or soulmates - NOTHING helps. Nothing will fix your pain.

 

 

 

I felt the same way 7 years ago.

 

My wife left me after 20+ years of marriage. Due to my religious beliefs, I'm not able to remarry nor even date until death do us part

 

But, not only did I recover, I recovered while still honoring my marriage vow.

 

We had so much in common. We dreamed together, we had 6 children together --- and then, without much warning, I was forced to live without her.

 

My emotions were off the chart for a long time.

 

But, thankfully, a few things did help me:

 

- Letting go with love. Instead of hating my wife, and claiming she ruined my life, I let her go in a loving way. I shook her hand and said "Thank You" for sharing 20 years with me.

 

- Songs were a big help. Sometimes, I'd hear a song like "Cry Me A River" by Justin Timberlake and realize there was no way I was going down that path.

 

Instead of listening to songs that made me feel angry and vengeful, I chose songs like "A Wonderful Summer" by Robin Ward and then listen to them on repeat. (There's free online video of both of these songs. Please take a few minutes to listen/watch both of them.) I think you'll agree that the Robin Ward style lyrics are best.

 

- Time did not heal my emotional wound BUT it did help me to begin a new routine without her.

 

I downsized my bed to help my mind begin to think solo, I removed pictures from my wall but did not destroy them, etc. For the first few years, it felt very strange without her, but allowing Time to change my thinking allowed me to recover.

 

- A big step of recovery for me was to accept that she was not a narcissistic jerk that was out to hurt me. No way. She just wanted to do something different in life, and her new game plan did not include me.

 

I loved, I lost, but I would not trade those 20+ years for anything.

 

I wish you well in your journey.

[spiderowl]

I suppose one reaches a point where you either decide she was not the one for you - and are able to move on - or that she was the one but somehow you lost her. Is the sort of person who chooses someone else above you the kind of person you want? Supposing she chooses you back, then what? Would you trust her?

 

I know that people do not have control over such decisions because they are made unconsciously, based on feelings/evidence/an accumulation of things. What is it that leaves you hanging onto this one woman? There must be something that you feel can justify her behaving like this, if you are still prepared to have her back, something that raised her value in your eyes. What did she do that made her seem so precious and others less so?

 

I think, when feeling vulnerable and hurt, one guards oneself, partly because of emotional confusion. Perhaps you are still in that stage of guarding yourself. I do think you will not find real depth in any woman unless you give yourself chance to know and bond with them. Bonding does not usually happen instantly, but there should be real potential if you are not to mess anyone up.

Edited December 3, 2016 by spiderowl

[Sweetfish]

If you read my other post you may have seen that every single incident of contact or curiosity has been initiated by her, not me. I don't stalk her social media, keep her phone number or messages, or have any of the belongings she either gave me in ten years, nor any items of hers that she left at my place. She may well be "honeymooning" with another man, but SHE is contacting ME, and only she can say how my positive responses are making her feel.

 

 

I'm a male and you are a male. I understand how you feel. I also understand why you may be defensive towards my response. I honestly feel men are more emotional than females. Men are willing to do anything to reunite with someone they use to love. Fix every fault in their bones. They workout, read books, try to change themselves, suppress their emotions to look more "alpha" most women are not willing to do half of what men do to get their ex back. Those text and contacting are just to see if you still care about her. They make her guilt go away and she gets validation.

 

 

 

You presume I in some way "let myself go" during the relationship? No, not in the slightest. In ten years I maintained myself physically and mentally, never stopping in any kind of comfort zone. I doubt that I could get a better job than the highly paid clinical field in which I specialise (not that such things matter, but simply stated to address your point).

Nope.. not even close. It sounds like from what you wrote you've done a lot of things to be a better person and revisited old hobbies. Not that you slipped so to say in your past relationship.. but to began healing you need to find happiness within. As cliche as it sound.. you really do. Edited December 3, 2016 by Sweetfish

[LargoLagg]

It's a long thread, and I didn't read through everything, but I did get the flavor of what you're going through.

 

You're like Shelley or Keats, and you believe that this woman is the answer to all your hopes and dreams, and you're going to hold on to this unrequited love until death do you part. Maybe she is all that. I have no way of knowing. I just had some random thoughts, take them or leave them:

 

I think mathematically that it is astronomically unlikely that of 3 billion or so people of the opposite sex currently on the planet, you happened to meet up with THE ONLY ONE that you could ever feel this way about. However, you do seem to have latched onto the one methodology that will make that unlikely event come true. Think of your undying devotion as a way to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

In a way, that's cheating. You might want to consider testing your devotion by allowing other people to get close. See if that's what you're really made of. It's so easy to believe something ridiculous if you don't test the hypothesis, to give it a chance to fail a stress test.

 

I also think that to go looking for love, especially when you're not ready for it, is a mistake. But it doesn't hurt to go on a date, and don't make the mistake of thinking that other women will necessarily fall in love with you or want to bang you. You might find that you won't even get the chance to be unfair to other women. The reason you'd want to date is because if/when you come to the realization that your devotion is misplaced, and you decide to abandon it, you don't want your dating skills to have atrophied. You don't want to have lost your game.

 

As to WHY she continues to contact you, have you ever considered that she knows you pretty well, she knows that you are stuck like this, and she pities you? That was my first thought about that.

 

Of course you should be honest. Why would you not? You say you love this woman, regardless of whether or not she returns those feelings to you. Then you say, apparently in the next breath, that you're considering lying to her by way of omission. That's not love. If you're going to be devoted, at least do it right.

 

OK, that's about it. Hope it works out for you.

[Been]

She contacts you because she can. You haven't blocked her fully and she pretty much knows your stuck on her. At anytime if she decided to run back to you she knows you'd take her back no questions asked. Also it's doing wonders for her ego-your WAITING for her.

I agree with a lot of what you say though.

I think if you meet the wrong woman/man they can bring about a level of destruction on someone where that person is never the same again. I think that is what your meaning to say when you speak of not getting over someone-you might accept the fact that your not with them but the suffering they caused you will stay with you forever.

[clam]

Ten years is a long time to "date" someone. Did she want to get married? If so, looks like you dragged your feet to long.

 

She moved on. You should too.

[Slimtripper]

Ten years is a long time to "date" someone. Did she want to get married? If so, looks like you dragged your feet to long.

 

She moved on. You should too.

 

OP you are a selfish, delusional, there is another word that begins with C that I don't even use but is the only fitting word for this thread.

 

Not only have you wasted your own time but you waste everyone's time on here. People who come here to give help. You won't listen and I don't believe that you are 100% mentally stable because you have zero grasp of logic at this point.

 

Go live under a rock if u want. Or wake up tomorrow and realize what people are telling you. But stop wasting people's time on here when you won't listen.

 

Millions and millions of people go through this every day. It's not just you. We all

Move on and pick ourselves up.

 

Man up ffs dude ur making the whole species look bad

[Sweetfish]

OP you are a selfish, delusional, there is another word that begins with C that I don't even use but is the only fitting word for this thread.

 

Not only have you wasted your own time but you waste everyone's time on here. People who come here to give help. You won't listen and I don't believe that you are 100% mentally stable because you have zero grasp of logic at this point.

 

Go live under a rock if u want. Or wake up tomorrow and realize what people are telling you. But stop wasting people's time on here when you won't listen.

 

Millions and millions of people go through this every day. It's not just you. We all

Move on and pick ourselves up.

 

Man up ffs dude ur making the whole species look bad

 

 

wait what? They've only been together 4 years

[BC1980]

wait what? They've only been together 4 years

 

They've known each other for 10 years but were together for 4.

[Slimtripper]

This guy won't accept that it's over and I don't think will ever move on.

I really think he should get counseling for his own safety. It must be like starting on day 1 every day for him. He won't go to a public event 12 months after being dumped incase it upsets his ex, who is going with her bf.

I can only imagine what his friends are going through.

Please dude, PLEASE listen to what everyone is telling u

[Hopeful714]

How can this guy go nc now that he has been accepting texts for so long from his ex and responding?

 

I think he may need to come clean and lay it out with this girl saying the following: "being in contact with you is making it difficult for me to fully move on. It is for this reason I am going to ask that you don't contact me anymore. I wish you well...goodbye." Then you VANISH from the face of her earth never to be seen or heard from again.

 

I was cheated on then ghosted 4 yrs ago. I didn't even date him that long but I suffered just as bad as you are now. It was pathetic. Anyhow, without going into too much detail, it took me a good 2.5 - 3 years to feel somewhat normal again. Even today at 4 years, the sting still remains but I'm ok now. Ready for love if it ever finds me.

 

I will say though, I NEVER would have got well if I still had contact with him. I don't know why your ex still contacts you but at this point it doesn't matter. It's hurting you and it has to stop for you to heal. There's no other way for you get better. No fresh beginnings can start without clean endings.

 

What she is doing is selfish. And someday you will realize this. But in your case it looks like she's not going to stop contacting (for whatever reason) so your going to have to be the one to stop it. If you don't... your just prolonging your own pain because only time can heal you. Good luck!

[Robert]

Note from moderation: we've deleted a handful of off-topic posts. Please post within our community guidelines or do not post at all.

 

Thank you,

~6

 

 

[Caysey110504]

Hi

 

First time post so I'll try to keep a long story short, happy to clarify anything if I miss something out.

 

Together four years, then approx ten months ago (November) she got a new job, met someone new and about a month after that she ghosted me. Because of the new guy and also not wanting to appear needy, I sent maybe six texts, one email and a letter, all over a TWO MONTH period, and eventually after seeing her posting romantic stuff on Facebook on V-day I sent a text wishing her well and saying that she was always welcome to contact again, but I wouldn't be contacting anymore.

 

So, Feb to May, nothing. But it's her birthday in May, and I sent a very neutral (best wishes) birthday card, partly out of a hope to reconnect but not really holding onto much hope. A few days later, her sister text me on her behalf to say that the card was appreciated, and I basically said "She's welcome, best wishes to all the family."

 

My birthday was four weeks later, and she text. A brief conversation, pleasant enough. Since then, there have been five text convos, a few weeks apart, all initiated by her. General catch ups (weirdly, she drops hints about the new relationship but has never mentioned him directly even once). I know from mutual friends that she moved in with him in May (so now they live/work together) and she seems very happy.

 

I'm curious about the contact though. I've thought about the "traditional" reasons and I'm not sure they apply. Guilt? Maybe, but surely that would be eased after, say, the first TWO calls where I was approachable and friendly? Ego? Perhaps, but to all intents and purposes, she "WON" this, new job, new relationship etc, and while I'm pleasant in the convos, I'm certainly not begging for her back or showing my feelings, so I'm not sure what ego boost there is.

 

I've probably missed out lots, so happy to clarify if needed. All opinions welcome, but especially the female perspective. I don't know if I want her back, but certainly I'd like to talk and at the moment I'm more curious about the WHY rather than what might happen in the future.

 

Thanks, everyone

so how are the girls you have been dating...

 

you are vesting too much time on an ex...

 

find a new girl to get with

[Earlybird2016]

so how are the girls you have been dating...

 

you are vesting too much time on an ex...

 

find a new girl to get with

 

I've explained a few times in previous posts. I won't date other girls. I get asked out a couple of times a week but I always say no, because I don't think it's fair to waste a woman's time on a date when I'm going to spend every second despising her company because she isn't my ex.

[BC1980]

I've explained a few times in previous posts. I won't date other girls. I get asked out a couple of times a week but I always say no, because I don't think it's fair to waste a woman's time on a date when I'm going to spend every second despising her company because she isn't my ex.

 

If that's the case, I agree that you shouldn't be dating anyone.

[Earlybird2016]

If that's the case, I agree that you shouldn't be dating anyone.

 

Thank you. I'd love to not hurt anymore, but obviously that doesn't seem like any kind of option for me. I've done pretty much everything I can to heal. People have given good advice about no contact but ... Ultimately there hasn't been a single day in the last twelve months when I haven't heard about her life, so even if I continue with the NIC (and ignored her texts every few weeks) ... There's no escaping the thoughts of her.

[DarrenB]

Thank you. I'd love to not hurt anymore, but obviously that doesn't seem like any kind of option for me. I've done pretty much everything I can to heal. People have given good advice about no contact but ... Ultimately there hasn't been a single day in the last twelve months when I haven't heard about her life, so even if I continue with the NIC (and ignored her texts every few weeks) ... There's no escaping the thoughts of her.

 

I've sort of come to the conclusion that the best way to try and eradicate someone from your life as entirely as possible, is to go through the motions of everything they've done to you, how it's effected you and just re-experience all of that pain and suffering of memories in a type of reminiscence.

 

It sounds quite bizarre I know, but I did it myself and it helped periodically.

[Earlybird2016]

I've sort of come to the conclusion that the best way to try and eradicate someone from your life as entirely as possible, is to go through the motions of everything they've done to you, how it's effected you and just re-experience all of that pain and suffering of memories in a type of reminiscence.

 

It sounds quite bizarre I know, but I did it myself and it helped periodically.

 

Thanks. I've gone over her actions a lot over the last year, but the problem I've had with that is the ONLY "bad" behaviour that she exhibited in ten years was in how she handled the breakup. NOTHING she's done since the first few weeks of the breakup has been anything unhelpful to healing. This is all about my love for her.

 

That said, I'm FORCED to experience the pain of the breakup because I encounter triggers of her everyday (photos in work, people talking about her all the time etc).

[BC1980]

Thank you. I'd love to not hurt anymore, but obviously that doesn't seem like any kind of option for me. I've done pretty much everything I can to heal. People have given good advice about no contact but ... Ultimately there hasn't been a single day in the last twelve months when I haven't heard about her life, so even if I continue with the NIC (and ignored her texts every few weeks) ... There's no escaping the thoughts of her.

 

The reason you can't stop thinking about her is because you aren't truly NC. You keep the door open just a crack, and doing so allows you to keep false hope. So you aren't going to move on with the door open. It took me 2 years of NC to become mostly indifferent. I say mostly because I don't know if you can ever become completely indifferent to a person you once loved and spent a lot of time with.

 

What do you mean when you say that there hasn't been a day you haven't heard about her?

[DarrenB]

Thanks. I've gone over her actions a lot over the last year, but the problem I've had with that is the ONLY "bad" behaviour that she exhibited in ten years was in how she handled the breakup. NOTHING she's done since the first few weeks of the breakup has been anything unhelpful to healing. This is all about my love for her.

 

That said, I'm FORCED to experience the pain of the breakup because I encounter triggers of her everyday (photos in work, people talking about her all the time etc).

 

To simultaneously let memories deteriorate and let the love, emotions and feelings you carry relinquish for someone is a tough deal, I understand.

 

But, it is within you, within your mind that through the experience of all of this, and enduring it to halt that love and all aspects of it. How many times have you encountered the various, cliche phrases like 'why do you love them, if they don't love you back?', 'why can you not let go of them and move on, if they have?'. These are all questions we are asked, and we all decline these questions and cancel them out due to being in-denial, agreed?

 

Coming to terms with loss, but also having the continuous remembrance of said person is again very difficult I understand. Perhaps you need to take some time away, remove yourself entirely and re-evaluate the situation away from the actual situation?

[Earlybird2016]

The reason you can't stop thinking about her is because you aren't truly NC. You keep the door open just a crack, and doing so allows you to keep false hope. So you aren't going to move on with the door open. It took me 2 years of NC to become mostly indifferent. I say mostly because I don't know if you can ever become completely indifferent to a person you once loved and spent a lot of time with.

 

What do you mean when you say that there hasn't been a day you haven't heard about her?

 

We worked together (a very specialised field so a career change isn't an option. Before the split, she was trying to get me a place in her workplace so we could be together, as that's basically the only other place in the country I could do my job).

 

So ... I hear about her/her current relationship/her family (who were pretty much family to me) from co-workers every day. I've said what a great person she is, and it's no exaggeration to say she's beloved by everyone who's ever met her. My co-workers constantly mourn her absence or are arranging meet ups with her or reminisce about how wonderful she is. Every one of them has a picture of her on their desks, from work nights out etc, so I'm constantly reminded whether she ever texts me or I answer/ignore or whatever.

 

It's hell.

[Blanco]

They do this even after you tell them to please not discuss her around you?That's insensitive of them.

[BC1980]

We worked together (a very specialised field so a career change isn't an option. Before the split, she was trying to get me a place in her workplace so we could be together, as that's basically the only other place in the country I could do my job).

 

So ... I hear about her/her current relationship/her family (who were pretty much family to me) from co-workers every day. I've said what a great person she is, and it's no exaggeration to say she's beloved by everyone who's ever met her. My co-workers constantly mourn her absence or are arranging meet ups with her or reminisce about how wonderful she is. Every one of them has a picture of her on their desks, from work nights out etc, so I'm constantly reminded whether she ever texts me or I answer/ignore or whatever.

 

It's hell.

 

I had no idea. That is a bad situation. Now, I understand more of what is going on. I work at the same place as my ex but rarely see him. It's a big hospital, and we work in different departments for the most part. We have mutual acquaintances, but my coworkers don't know him very well. I'm not sure how to make your situation any better at work. But I still think you could make more profess if you truly went NC.

[thajake]

if you want her back , first you must move on and get over her, there is no other way as the old relationship is over, you must find acceptance and closure, if you want her than only if you do from clean slate again with new relationship.

 

so your best chances to get her back is to get over her first ASAP, you still living in the past instead of in the present. stop wasting your time on waiting but work on moving on.

 

don't you think that if she wanted to be with you she would be already, but you are still the same guy she left, nobody wants to live in the past or with past.

in fact its her job now to get you back if she wants, people want things they can't get as long as she knows that she can have you at anytime you are not attractive to her and you will not get her.

 

move on to the level you don't think of her for at least a week. than you check if you still really want to be with her. She probably would be more interested in new you than in old you because the old you she left for a reason.

 

love yourself and have respect for yourself. Its all about you not about her.

 

so move on get over the feeling to get her back.

[BC1980]

The more I think about it, I think you could get over this work thing if you went NC. I think the fact that you are leaving the door open is far worse than the work thing. I had to go to work at a place where my ex and I worked and be around people who knew us as a couple. I had a lot of triggers too. Heck, I even had to have direct contact with him several times and still could moved on from the situation. How many people work in your office?