She contacted me again after months

[kgcolonel]

Marky is right on the money here.....while you're not initiating the contact, you are willingly becoming her backup / confident. IMO you should be creating a healthy boundary. If you still have some desire to reconnect with her after all she has done, be honest with her and go silent. You are misleading her into thinking that you're good with the current situation which it is obvious that you're not and secondly, you're stalling your healing by holding on to something that is not going to happen the way you're approaching it.

 

Best to remove yourself and heal, find someone who has not stepped on you like a piece of s**t wiped her feet and then asks (figuratively) ARE YOU OKAY?....how disrespectful is that? Stand up and respect yourself.

 

There are great women out there, she is not one of them.

[Chief1970]

Once I stopped chasing my ex, within 30 days, My ex was always bumping into me. I finally said in a nice way that we got to stop running into each other. I wanted to make in clear that I wasn't her backup plan.

[keiji]

I can't see anything here other than a will to be friends after a 4-year relationship and probably guilt after all she did to you. Also, as someone else mentioned already, if there's something, then she's not being exactly nice to her current boyfriend. Would you like to be in his place in the future?

[Earlybird2016]

I can't see anything here other than a will to be friends after a 4-year relationship and probably guilt after all she did to you. Also, as someone else mentioned already, if there's something, then she's not being exactly nice to her current boyfriend. Would you like to be in his place in the future?

 

I guess, in the unlikely event we got back together, I wouldn't necessarily BE in his place? In ten years of knowing her, she never once kept in touch with an ex, certainly not with the regularity and encouragement to reciprocate that she's shown me.

 

But yeah, if you're right and it's just friendship she wants, then there's nothing I can do except accept that I'll never experience physical or emotional intimacy with another person again.

[Miss Clavel]

she ran over you and kept going. and now she wants to know "how you're doing??"

 

something's missing in her. after all the years you were together, she left you and ghosted you. literally, she ran over you to get somewhere else. with someone else.

 

she doesn't want you to be mad, or hurt, cuz that would mean she's a lousy, barely human, being.

 

she's beneath you.

 

if she asked me "how are you" i'd tell her:

 

"in spite of the fact that you left me for dead, i did not die, tho it was a close thing there for awhile. i'm finally on my feet again with the aid of meds and the passing of time and i don't need you in any way. my only wish for you is, someday you end up in a ditch, so i can step over you, the way you did to me, now, lose my number".

 

good luck.

[Earlybird2016]

she ran over you and kept going. and now she wants to know "how you're doing??"

 

something's missing in her. after all the years you were together, she left you and ghosted you. literally, she ran over you to get somewhere else. with someone else.

 

she doesn't want you to be mad, or hurt, cuz that would mean she's a lousy, barely human, being.

 

she's beneath you.

 

if she asked me "how are you" i'd tell her:

 

"in spite of the fact that you left me for dead, i did not die, tho it was a close thing there for awhile. i'm finally on my feet again with the aid of meds and the passing of time and i don't need you in any way. my only wish for you is, someday you end up in a ditch, so i can step over you, the way you did to me, now, lose my number".

 

good luck.

 

Thank you

 

The thing is, I haven't really been anxious throughout this whole process, but now I'm starting to feel that way, I guess for three reasons:

 

1) She HAS raised her game. She's invited me to initiate contact now (the first time she's said anything like that in nearly a year.) I haven't text her first since February of this year (to wish her well and let her know I was unfollowing etc on social media). I don't see why she'd open that door if she didn't want me to contact.

 

2) It's the year anniversary of the break up next month ... So yeah, that's on my mind.

 

3) I HAVE to see her (and him if they're still together) at the wedding of a mutual friend early next year, so that's pretty scary. Not many of our mutual friends know the extent of what she did, because I got tired of trying to convince people that she was capable of that. These are folks who, like me, have known her for many years, and literally DO NOT BELIEVE that she's behaved like this. So ... They think everything is just normal "ex-awkward" with no idea or acceptance of the true damage.

Edited November 2, 2016 by Earlybird2016

[BC1980]

there's nothing I can do except accept that I'll never experience physical or emotional intimacy with another person again.

 

You may not always feel this way. I understand those feelings because I felt that way at one point. I thought I was doomed and could never love anyone else. Those are common feelings after a devastating breakup, but people do move on and feel differently down the line. It took me 8 months to go on a date with someone else, but I was able to be open to the possibility at that point. 3.5 years later, and I have virtually no feelings for my ex. In fact, I can't imagine ever loving him again or wanting to be intimate with him. So you can move on.

 

If you are willing to have a positive attitude most of the time and put in the emotional work, you do have a shot at moving on and being open to love again. I won't say it's easy because it's not. I experienced a lot of tears, bumps in the road, and emotional growth that was difficult at times.

But it is possible to move on. You can't predict how you will feel for the rest of your life at this point. At this point, I can tell you aren't ready to move on, but I hope you will be in the future. You have to really want to move on to be able to make any progress.

[Zapbasket]

 

3) I HAVE to see her (and him if they're still together) at the wedding of a mutual friend early next year, so that's pretty scary. Not many of our mutual friends know the extent of what she did, because I got tired of trying to convince people that she was capable of that. These are folks who, like me, have known her for many years, and literally DO NOT BELIEVE that she's behaved like this. So ... They think everything is just normal "ex-awkward" with no idea or acceptance of the true damage.

 

Especially from what you say here, I get the feeling that part of what's driving you is that you're waiting for her to do or say something that somehow explains this uncharacteristic way she left you in the dust as a boyfriend. I also get the feeling that she is all too aware of how she left you and rather than bringing it up head-on, she's hoping that if she feeds you these breadcrumbs she's giving you, you'll gratefully accept them and accept the situation and she'll never have to acknowledge to you what she did.

 

I also get the feeling that given you think she's your proverbial "last-chance saloon" for meaningful romance, you also think if you were to get back with her, that how she left you this past time won't matter. But it will. Right here in what I've quoted you show that you know you have been wronged, and for the first time in this entire thread I hear some indignance from you at how she treated you. You state your indignance towards your mutual friends blithely thinking her incapable of doing to you as she did, when meanwhile you know very differently. And I think you're wanting them to recognize what you are refusing to acknowledge fully to yourself: that she treated you HORRIBLY, and is compounding that by not getting it over and done with and apologizing to you, and instead dropping you crumbs.

 

At some point, you are going to get very tired of this gig. No doubt she'll keep on with the current status quo forever if you give her the opportunity. Or she will end up twisting it around and resenting YOU for "making" her feel guilty.

 

I just very much feel that you are playing with fire and the truth is going finally to come exploding out sooner or later, and it will really hurt. I'd love to see you get to the point where you are openly angry with her; that is the only healthy direction for you to go in this situation.

[Aboohoo]

Earlybird2016 - just caught up with your thread and i'm very sorry to hear you're in this position. I am in a similar situation (read my thread) but only 1 month in. My ex left me after 5 years and already has a new gf - pretty sure she was lined up for months so i too was lied and cheated to.

 

I think though you are clutching at straws. I don't want to come across as harsh but i think its important to hear. I assume that things aren't going well with your ex and her new bf and she's now hoping that she has you in her life. I imagine that if she does break up with her current bf she would use you for emotional support and then just ditch you again as soon as she has someone new. The whole saga would start again when things turn sour with the next...

 

You sound like a really nice guy who has been treated so badly. Believe me i understand how difficult it is to move on and stop beating yourself up about what could be but you need to.

 

I wonder what was your relationship like when you were together? Was she ableto emotionally control you? Was she more dominant? I only ask because my ex was the 'stronger' one and if things turn sour with him and his current gf he would use me like this and i would be tempted to do the same as you but you need to be strong and love yourself instead of loving them. They don't deserve us - they showed us that by the way they treated you.

 

Be strong and move on - one day at a time.

 

Ps. what is ghosting?

[Earlybird2016]

Earlybird2016 - just caught up with your thread and i'm very sorry to hear you're in this position. I am in a similar situation (read my thread) but only 1 month in. My ex left me after 5 years and already has a new gf - pretty sure she was lined up for months so i too was lied and cheated to.

 

I think though you are clutching at straws. I don't want to come across as harsh but i think its important to hear. I assume that things aren't going well with your ex and her new bf and she's now hoping that she has you in her life. I imagine that if she does break up with her current bf she would use you for emotional support and then just ditch you again as soon as she has someone new. The whole saga would start again when things turn sour with the next...

 

You sound like a really nice guy who has been treated so badly. Believe me i understand how difficult it is to move on and stop beating yourself up about what could be but you need to.

 

I wonder what was your relationship like when you were together? Was she ableto emotionally control you? Was she more dominant? I only ask because my ex was the 'stronger' one and if things turn sour with him and his current gf he would use me like this and i would be tempted to do the same as you but you need to be strong and love yourself instead of loving them. They don't deserve us - they showed us that by the way they treated you.

 

Be strong and move on - one day at a time.

 

Ps. what is ghosting?

 

Thanks for replying. Ghosting is when the dumper simply disappears, without any real explanation or resolution to the relationship. Mine did/didn't ghost in that she text me a few days before Christmas to say we were done, then didn't respond to any communication at all from me, ignored everything.

 

I tried for about six weeks until I found out she was seeing someone else, then sent her a final text wishing her well and saying I wouldn't be contacting again.

 

Radio silence from both sides until June, then she started texting me every 2 to 4 weeks for the most random reasons (she admitted they were "excuses" in our last conversation two weeks ago). She's been the only one initiating contact in the last 5 or 6 months, but in that last conversation she invited me to contact her whenever too, "if I wanted to".

 

As for the dynamics of the previous relationship ... I've known her for ten years (six as best friends, four in a relationship) and all of it was very loving and even handed and based on mutual respect. I've had nearly twelve months to think about it, and there wasn't a SINGLE red flag in the entire decade.

 

I don't know if she's going through a bad patch with her current boyfriend. If that's the reason for her texts then it's a bad patch that's lasted over 5 months (about half their relationship). They live and work together 24/7, so who knows?

 

I hear about her every single day from my current (her former) co-workers via their general conversation, and to all intents and purposes their relationship sounds fine. He sounds like a nice guy, and I know my ex isn't one to put up with bad behaviour in a relationship (during the six year friendship I saw her date other guys, none of whom she took any nonsense from and none of whom she kept in touch with when it was over).

[Earlybird2016]

Thanks for replying. Ghosting is when the dumper simply disappears, without any real explanation or resolution to the relationship. Mine did/didn't ghost in that she text me a few days before Christmas to say we were done, then didn't respond to any communication at all from me, ignored everything.

 

I tried for about six weeks until I found out she was seeing someone else, then sent her a final text wishing her well and saying I wouldn't be contacting again.

 

Radio silence from both sides until June, then she started texting me every 2 to 4 weeks for the most random reasons (she admitted they were "excuses" in our last conversation two weeks ago). She's been the only one initiating contact in the last 5 or 6 months, but in that last conversation she invited me to contact her whenever too, "if I wanted to".

 

As for the dynamics of the previous relationship ... I've known her for ten years (six as best friends, four in a relationship) and all of it was very loving and even handed and based on mutual respect. I've had nearly twelve months to think about it, and there wasn't a SINGLE red flag in the entire decade.

 

I don't know if she's going through a bad patch with her current boyfriend. If that's the reason for her texts then it's a bad patch that's lasted over 5 months (about half their relationship). They live and work together 24/7, so who knows?

 

I hear about her every single day from my current (her former) co-workers via their general conversation, and to all intents and purposes their relationship sounds fine. He sounds like a nice guy, and I know my ex isn't one to put up with bad behaviour in a relationship (during the six year friendship I saw her date other guys, none of whom she took any nonsense from and none of whom she kept in touch with when it was over).

 

Bumping for feedback.

 

So ... It's been around two weeks since she last contacted me and invited me to get in touch with her. I wonder if maybe she was expecting a more immediate response from me, but I'm holding back, and I wonder if anyone thinks that this might shift the dynamic further in my favour? HER waiting for ME to contact?

[Blanco]

I don't think anyone here thinks that, mostly because no one seemed to think that her last communication was anything more than friendly banter.

 

Logically, I think GreenCove is right on the money. What your ex did to you was so out of character that you cannot process it and accept it at face value. To you, there must be more there, which is why you've read so much in to her sparse interactions with you over the past few months.

 

You may have moved on in some respects, but you are still very much living in denial that this girl is gone romantically. You can have her as a friend or not have her at all. Those, from an impartial perspective, look to be your only real options.

[LD1990]

Bumping for feedback.

 

So ... It's been around two weeks since she last contacted me and invited me to get in touch with her. I wonder if maybe she was expecting a more immediate response from me, but I'm holding back, and I wonder if anyone thinks that this might shift the dynamic further in my favour? HER waiting for ME to contact?

 

Shift the dynamic further in your favor? It's not in your favor at all. You're wasting your time analyzing two-sentence text messages and emojis from her. She has moved on with her life. You haven't. The dynamic is entirely in her favor.

 

You're essentially an acquaintance who she doesn't really care about or respect, the latter being because you've allowed her to treat you like a doormat.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

From my perspective, I think she wants your friendship back the way it was years ago when you both presumably initiated contact with each other. At the moment, your lack of initiating gives you the slight advantage in the situation. I'm sure she would much rather you be the one to initiate contact for that reason.

 

As for not remaining in contact with her other exes. Unless you were monitoring her phone, private social media messages and email you can't really know that for certain. Would that change your opinion of the situation if you knew she was secretly messaging other guys? I'm not saying that she was, just that there is a possibility there are things about her that you don't really know.

 

If I sensed a romantic agenda from her I would tell you, if for no other reason than to warn you. I've been around long enough to see every trick in the book. I really don't get that vibe here. There is no hint of her missing you as a lover, nor is there a sense of her testing you to open up romantically, it all sounds platonic.

 

Perhaps this wedding will be a good thing. You will finally get to see how she behaves in front of you and her boyfriend. However I get the sense that you are already growing impatient waiting for the next message so I guess at some point you will give in and message her. I understand those feelings, they are really powerful. I just hope that you resist the urge, or at the very least lay your cards out on the table and demand full disclosure about her motives for contacting you.

 

I hope you find some resolution soon. Believe it or not, we are on your side.

[BC1980]

Bumping for feedback.

 

So ... It's been around two weeks since she last contacted me and invited me to get in touch with her. I wonder if maybe she was expecting a more immediate response from me, but I'm holding back, and I wonder if anyone thinks that this might shift the dynamic further in my favour? HER waiting for ME to contact?

 

I don't think she is waiting for you to contact her. I really don't. She might think about it now and then, but I don't think she is waiting for your contact in that way you are waiting for hers. This is where you are projecting, and that is easy to do. You can't understand how she couldn't feel the way you do because 1. you can only understand how you feel. 2. She felt that way in the past.

 

It's difficult to understand how feelings can change, and you have been incredibly resistant to believing that your own feelings can change. You are doggedly convinced that your feelings for her will never change, so I can see how you would project that onto her. I can see how you would find it hard to believe that she has moved on and simply doesn't feel the same way she did a year or two ago. It's tough. I've been there. I was in disbelief at times. When I was still in denial, I used to wake up and look in the mirror and tell myself that my ex wasn't with me because he didn't want to be. And that was his choice. I said it until I believed it.

[Blanco]

One more thing: You are entitled to believe that it's her or bust as it relates to your love life. It's not worth it for anyone here to try to argue that belief. It is, after all, your life and it's up to you whether you think love is ever going to be an option for you again.

 

What I will push back on is you projecting these unconditional feelings onto her. So far, you are doing a poor job of that. You would know if this woman wanted to be with you. I've been in a similar spot as you, and I can tell you that in the instances of the ex wanting reconciliation, it wasn't dragged out over the course of months with me not hearing from her for weeks at a time. You know when it was dragged out over a long time with stretches of not hearing from them? When they wanted friendship, not reconciliation.

[Earlybird2016]

From my perspective, I think she wants your friendship back the way it was years ago when you both presumably initiated contact with each other. At the moment, your lack of initiating gives you the slight advantage in the situation. I'm sure she would much rather you be the one to initiate contact for that reason.

 

As for not remaining in contact with her other exes. Unless you were monitoring her phone, private social media messages and email you can't really know that for certain. Would that change your opinion of the situation if you knew she was secretly messaging other guys? I'm not saying that she was, just that there is a possibility there are things about her that you don't really know.

 

If I sensed a romantic agenda from her I would tell you, if for no other reason than to warn you. I've been around long enough to see every trick in the book. I really don't get that vibe here. There is no hint of her missing you as a lover, nor is there a sense of her testing you to open up romantically, it all sounds platonic.

 

Perhaps this wedding will be a good thing. You will finally get to see how she behaves in front of you and her boyfriend. However I get the sense that you are already growing impatient waiting for the next message so I guess at some point you will give in and message her. I understand those feelings, they are really powerful. I just hope that you resist the urge, or at the very least lay your cards out on the table and demand full disclosure about her motives for contacting you.

 

I hope you find some resolution soon. Believe it or not, we are on your side.

 

I know people are on my side. I'm sorry if I ever come across as if I'm not appreciative or don't recognise that.

 

To clarify, the reason I'm confident about her not keeping contact with previous exes is only because I feel we were close enough as friends for six years prior to the romantic relationship that she would have confided in me about something like that.

 

The wedding? Well, it's about five months away so I'm trying not to dwell on it (tough, frankly, when I'm hearing about it EVERY SINGLE DAY from excited co-workers). We have the anniversary of the breakup before then, a week before Christmas, and the dilemma of the inevitable festive wishes (a card or text from him and her? I don't know, she hasn't once mentioned the current relationship so far, aside from oblique references).

 

I know what you mean about the wedding being a good thing, but I won't lie, I'm dreading sitting alone surrounded by couples and seeing her kiss and dance with another man.

 

You're right, I AM waiting for her next text, but that won't prompt me to message first. I'm scared, for one thing. If an exchange of "How are things?" starts with me, she'll obviously have to talk about her social life or work life with her bf, and I don't really want to hear that.

 

Also, of course I'm hoping that she notices that I haven't taken her up on her green light to contact. I love the woman with all my heart, but I've done my chasing, and I can't give more until she does. Either way, if she wants me, she knows where I am.

Edited November 8, 2016 by Earlybird2016

[Miss Clavel]

. Either way, if she wants me, she knows where I am.

 

take a date to the wedding.

[Earlybird2016]

take a date to the wedding.

 

That is something I've considered, but aside from the issue of actually FINDING a date, I don't think it's feasible. Firstly, it's such an obvious, transparent ploy to "save face" just because she'll be there with her boyfriend, but also because it seems unfair to use another woman just for company at that one event.

[Blanco]

I know what you mean about the wedding being a good thing, but I won't lie, I'm dreading sitting alone surrounded by couples and seeing her kiss and dance with another man.

 

Well, you'd better get used to it since you've already accepted that she's the one and there will never be another love like her.

 

I'm not saying you'd have found someone else by now if you'd just accepted long ago that your story with her was finished. What I am saying is that you've resisted moving on from her in a lot of ways and the price of that is seeing her with another man and having it affect you as if your breakup was last week and not a year ago.

[TheTraveler]

 

At one point I lost my phone signal and couldn't reply for about twenty minutes. When the signal returned, I saw that, although from her point of view she was being "ignored", she'd still text a couple of questions about ten or fifteen minutes into my radio silence, just asking if I was okay in work and whatever.

 

I emailed her to explain about the phone, and she sent back a "No worries, take care (My surname, as our surnames were always our pet names for one another)"

 

In the grand scheme of things... 20 minutes? And then you had to explain yourself via email? You're still hung up badly on this girl while she is moving on with her life with another man.

 

That is something I've considered, but aside from the issue of actually FINDING a date, I don't think it's feasible. Firstly, it's such an obvious, transparent ploy to "save face" just because she'll be there with her boyfriend, but also because it seems unfair to use another woman just for company at that one event.

 

You have 5 months to find a date. What are you waiting for?

[Earlybird2016]

Well, you'd better get used to it since you've already accepted that she's the one and there will never be another love like her.

 

I'm not saying you'd have found someone else by now if you'd just accepted long ago that your story with her was finished. What I am saying is that you've resisted moving on from her in a lot of ways and the price of that is seeing her with another man and having it affect you as if your breakup was last week and not a year ago.

 

It's a long thread, so no worries if you missed it, but I have actually qualified that I don't think of her as "The One" in the philosophical, "soulmate" fashion I think you're suggesting. I do consider her "The One I Want To Be With", and I doubt some enforced NC from me for twelve months would be enough to quash feelings accumulated over a decade? It's an appealing idea, but somewhat fanciful, I think. I'd be interested to see if anyone has done that (killed long term feelings in a tenth of the duration of a loving and stable relationship) without resorting to convincing themselves that the dumpers' unpleasant post breakup conduct was the default state of the relationship.

 

And yes, I'm acutely aware that I have to get used to it, but thank you for the reminder.

[Blanco]

It's a long thread, so no worries if you missed it, but I have actually qualified that I don't think of her as "The One" in the philosophical, "soulmate" fashion I think you're suggesting. I do consider her "The One I Want To Be With", and I doubt some enforced NC from me for twelve months would be enough to quash feelings accumulated over a decade?

 

You're splitting hairs. I don't believe in The One. I do believe in the power of perception, and so yes, there's little difference to you between The One You Want to Be With and "The One."

 

No one has suggested that you should be totally over this by now. You should, however, have moved on somewhat with regards to your feelings for her and what you want from her in the way of a relationship. You may have carried on in other areas of your life, but you haven't really done anything as it relates to really detaching from her.

 

Getting over someone is not an overnight thing, nor is it a clean and easy process. It's a gradual journey that rarely has a clearly marked endpoint. You just wake up one day after months or maybe even years and realize that you're finally OK with things as they are. That's not happening for you because you don't want it to happen.

[Earlybird2016]

In the grand scheme of things... 20 minutes? And then you had to explain yourself via email? You're still hung up badly on this girl while she is moving on with her life with another man.

 

 

 

You have 5 months to find a date. What are you waiting for?

 

I do have five months, yes. My issue is more about how uncomfortable I'd be with cold bloodedly using some woman in a very obvious ploy to save face in front of my ex. That's a cruelty I want no part of.

[Blanco]

You are permitted to take a female acquaintance with you to a wedding. I've done it and I've been the +1 of someone in that capacity. No one said this date needs to be a girlfriend or someone you need to parade around in front of your ex all night in the hopes of sparking jealousy.