She contacted me again after months

[Blanco]

The work thing, while not optimal, could be pretty easily tempered if you would simply request that they not discuss her to you or around you.

 

I find it hard to believe they're talking about her relationship on a daily basis. If they actually are, I would think it's only because they think you're comfortable with it. There's no shame in quietly letting them know that you aren't.

 

It doesn't need to be some big to-do, either. Something as simple as, "Hey, I'm glad she's doing well, and I wish her the best, but I'm still not really comfortable hearing about her personal life" would suffice.

 

I'm not saying all of this is easy, because it's definitely not. But I just get the sense that you're making things way more complicated than they need to be. I was pretty upfront with friends and mutual friends of my ex after she started dating shortly after our breakup that I didn't need to hear anything about her, and that I'd appreciate it if we could just not bring her up unless it was an absolute emergency. Guess what? I haven't heard them reference her in a year.

[Blanco]

One more thing: You say you can't focus on the bad because the way she broke up was truly the only bad thing she did in 10 years of knowing her. Guess what? That one thing is a pretty big, crappy thing she did.

 

It's not like her lone transgression was taking the last slice of pizza. She freaking ghosted you and shacked up with another man.

 

This isn't an "all sins are created equally" deal. It'd be like saying, "I can't be mad at him because he was a great guy until he killed my brother."

[Earlybird2016]

The more I think about it, I think you could get over this work thing if you went NC. I think the fact that you are leaving the door open is far worse than the work thing. I had to go to work at a place where my ex and I worked and be around people who knew us as a couple. I had a lot of triggers too. Heck, I even had to have direct contact with him several times and still could moved on from the situation. How many people work in your office?

 

In the actual department ... Maybe 80 people or so? That said, I went to a meeting last week in a different place and all the people there were asking how she was etc.

[Earlybird2016]

The work thing, while not optimal, could be pretty easily tempered if you would simply request that they not discuss her to you or around you.

 

I find it hard to believe they're talking about her relationship on a daily basis. If they actually are, I would think it's only because they think you're comfortable with it. There's no shame in quietly letting them know that you aren't.

 

It doesn't need to be some big to-do, either. Something as simple as, "Hey, I'm glad she's doing well, and I wish her the best, but I'm still not really comfortable hearing about her personal life" would suffice.

 

I'm not saying all of this is easy, because it's definitely not. But I just get the sense that you're making things way more complicated than they need to be. I was pretty upfront with friends and mutual friends of my ex after she started dating shortly after our breakup that I didn't need to hear anything about her, and that I'd appreciate it if we could just not bring her up unless it was an absolute emergency. Guess what? I haven't heard them reference her in a year.

 

 

Blanco, thanks for that. I HAVE tried to dampen the fires in the way you suggest, but people don't seem interested. Their thoughts of her are so fond it's like they can't stop.

 

And yep, a lot of their talk is about her relationship. Remember I said she moved to a different city? Well, it ISNT New York, but let's say it is. The wedding I'm heading to next year, where I'll see her again? That's a co-worker who's marrying a guy from "New York" so a lot of the talk is "New York guys this, New York guys that" etc. I've fudged the details there but hopefully I've explained a bit.

 

To be honest, talk of the relationship isn't the hardest part. It's the endless talk about her family (who given the ten years, I still miss terribly) or the daily reminisces about "when you and her did whatever", or of course, the photos of us as a happy couple that people have on display as part of work events etc.

 

I don't have a single memento of her in my home, but obviously ... Lots of triggers there.

 

And I REALLY like your brother-killing analogy. That makes a lot of sense.

[BlkVelvet]

We worked together (a very specialised field so a career change isn't an option. Before the split, she was trying to get me a place in her workplace so we could be together, as that's basically the only other place in the country I could do my job).

 

So ... I hear about her/her current relationship/her family (who were pretty much family to me) from co-workers every day. I've said what a great person she is, and it's no exaggeration to say she's beloved by everyone who's ever met her. My co-workers constantly mourn her absence or are arranging meet ups with her or reminisce about how wonderful she is. Every one of them has a picture of her on their desks, from work nights out etc, so I'm constantly reminded whether she ever texts me or I answer/ignore or whatever.

 

It's hell.

 

 

I have followed this entire thread because it has been nothing less than FASCINATING. Ya, know, in a train-wrecky kind of way.

 

OP, I don't believe this above post for one milli-second. It is UNBELIEVABLE that EVERYONE in your department has a PICTURE of your EX on their desk and TALK ABOUT HER AND HER RELATIONSHIP AND HOW 'WONDERFUL" she is EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

 

Other posters can believe this crap ( I sincerely doubt they do) but I certainly don't. Honestly, I just feel VERY sorry for you. The only thing I DO believe about anything you've attested to in this long behind thread is that you can't stop PINING for someone that DOES. NOT. WANT. YOU.

 

LISTEN UP: I AM YOUR EX. No, I did NOT cheat on my ex-boyfriend and leave him for another man and move in with him, but. . .I DID leave him because, after SIX years, I realized that he didn't make me happy, the relationship wasn't fulfilling and that I was just COMFORTABLE. I decided that not only was that not fair to me, but it wasn't fair to HIM.

 

Now, to confess: I STILL speak to him. I STILL SEE him from time to time. I STILL LOVE him dearly. BUT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM. I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH HIM ANY LONGER. And every time I date someone new and things aren't going well, or I dump or get dumped, YES, I contact him for EMOTIONAL support. WHY? The same reason your ex contacts YOU for time to time: because I KNOW he still loves me and will be there for me whenever I need him. I feel guilty about this, but I am a flawed human being, he allows it, and it is what it is.

 

You say she never discusses her relationship with you? I know she doesn't. I don't discuss mine either. He knows I date other people. He knows I'm looking for 'the ONE' for me. But I care for him so I don't EVER rub that in his face. EVER. I care about the FRIENDSHIP. I don't want to lose that. I want him in my life as a FRIEND for the rest of my LIFE. Even when/if I marry. He's not a bad person, and when a woman KNOWS a man LOVES the s*** out of her, she APPRECIATES that and WILL lean on him for emotional support if he's willing to give it. It really doesn't matter that you don't know details of her intimate relationship (and don't give me the bullcrap about her/your co-workers who, for some creepy reason have absolutely nothing else in their lives to talk about than this lady and HER family and HER relationship -- geez that's twilight zone weird) she's contacting you to CHECK in and make sure she's still got you by the balls.

 

And. She. Does. Boooooy, DOES she.

 

This whole, "my whole life is OVER if I can't have her" is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS AND YOU NEED TO GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. Your "love" is NOTHING at this point but a self-destructive, unhealthy, insane obsession.

 

Let me tell you something, Sir.

 

My FIANCE, who NEVER cheated on me, who LOVED me UNCONDITIONALLY, even when I tried my best to push him away (because of my own fear and baggage), who ALWAYS showed up for me and is the father of my beloved child, DIED suddenly a MONTH BEFORE OUR WEDDING.

 

DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU FEEL WORSE ABOUT THIS JERK OF A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T LOVE NOR RESPECT YOU THAN I DO/DID ABOUT MY FIANCE DYING??? DO YOU? BECAUSE THIS THREAD IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF.

 

You want to talk about thinking your life is over?? You want to compare notes about feeling so depressed and hopeless you want to DIE? You want to discuss how it feels to believe that you will NEVER love anyone else ever again?? i think I wrote the book, baby.

 

You want to know what REAL hopelessness feels like? Have the love of your life and parent of your child just suddenly DIE and take your entire future with them. I don't get to wait for random meaningless texts from him. I don't get to hope he comes back to me someday. I don't get to analyze a damn thing. Because he's DEAD. It's DONE. And I had to KEEP MOVING. Don't insult me by telling me that this CHILDISH disrespectful GIRL leaving you and moving in with another man is somehow UN-GET-OVERABLE.

 

For you to say that this ONE person is your ONLY way to happiness is one of the weakest and pathetic things I have ever heard. Are you really for real?? I mean, do you HEAR yourself? You may think you're fooling everyone with how much "progress" you have made and the "tons" of new friends and the "traveling" and whatever other delusions you've got going, but we know the truth. And all people are trying to do is HELP you. THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. Either be a MAN and GO AFTER THE WOMAN YOU (for some confusing reason) STILL "LOVE" or just be a MAN and LET. THIS. S***. GO.

 

PLEASE. It's too much, and NOTHING you are saying to try to justify this unstable and unhealthy behavior you are exhibiting is actually justifying ANYTHING.

 

Your'e being a coward. That's it. And that's ALL. Your situation is NOT unique; your "love" for her is not unique; SHE is NOT unique. The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be. YOU are doing this to YOURSELF.

 

Come on, man. 300+ people can't be WRONG and you are the only voice of reason.

 

Life is tough for everybody. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER and get ON with things.

[CelticGibson]

The simple fact that this mega thread is 24 pages long says everything.

 

You need to stop being delusional. You have to let this woman go and move on. Everyone faces the same situation as you and your situation is nothing special or different.

 

You had a relationship with this woman. She wanted out. It's over. Move on. End of story...

 

 

Until the next woman knocks your socks off and you will wonder why you WASTED 24 PAGES trying to convince yourself of your delusion.

 

Someday you will be embarrassed by all of this. I promise.

[Earlybird2016]

I have followed this entire thread because it has been nothing less than FASCINATING. Ya, know, in a train-wrecky kind of way.

 

OP, I don't believe this above post for one milli-second. It is UNBELIEVABLE that EVERYONE in your department has a PICTURE of your EX on their desk and TALK ABOUT HER AND HER RELATIONSHIP AND HOW 'WONDERFUL" she is EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

 

Other posters can believe this crap ( I sincerely doubt they do) but I certainly don't. Honestly, I just feel VERY sorry for you. The only thing I DO believe about anything you've attested to in this long behind thread is that you can't stop PINING for someone that DOES. NOT. WANT. YOU.

 

LISTEN UP: I AM YOUR EX. No, I did NOT cheat on my ex-boyfriend and leave him for another man and move in with him, but. . .I DID leave him because, after SIX years, I realized that he didn't make me happy, the relationship wasn't fulfilling and that I was just COMFORTABLE. I decided that not only was that not fair to me, but it wasn't fair to HIM.

 

Now, to confess: I STILL speak to him. I STILL SEE him from time to time. I STILL LOVE him dearly. BUT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM. I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH HIM ANY LONGER. And every time I date someone new and things aren't going well, or I dump or get dumped, YES, I contact him for EMOTIONAL support. WHY? The same reason your ex contacts YOU for time to time: because I KNOW he still loves me and will be there for me whenever I need him. I feel guilty about this, but I am a flawed human being, he allows it, and it is what it is.

 

You say she never discusses her relationship with you? I know she doesn't. I don't discuss mine either. He knows I date other people. He knows I'm looking for 'the ONE' for me. But I care for him so I don't EVER rub that in his face. EVER. I care about the FRIENDSHIP. I don't want to lose that. I want him in my life as a FRIEND for the rest of my LIFE. Even when/if I marry. He's not a bad person, and when a woman KNOWS a man LOVES the s*** out of her, she APPRECIATES that and WILL lean on him for emotional support if he's willing to give it. It really doesn't matter that you don't know details of her intimate relationship (and don't give me the bullcrap about her/your co-workers who, for some creepy reason have absolutely nothing else in their lives to talk about than this lady and HER family and HER relationship -- geez that's twilight zone weird) she's contacting you to CHECK in and make sure she's still got you by the balls.

 

And. She. Does. Boooooy, DOES she.

 

This whole, "my whole life is OVER if I can't have her" is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS AND YOU NEED TO GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. Your "love" is NOTHING at this point but a self-destructive, unhealthy, insane obsession.

 

Let me tell you something, Sir.

 

My FIANCE, who NEVER cheated on me, who LOVED me UNCONDITIONALLY, even when I tried my best to push him away (because of my own fear and baggage), who ALWAYS showed up for me and is the father of my beloved child, DIED suddenly a MONTH BEFORE OUR WEDDING.

 

DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU FEEL WORSE ABOUT THIS JERK OF A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T LOVE NOR RESPECT YOU THAN I DO/DID ABOUT MY FIANCE DYING??? DO YOU? BECAUSE THIS THREAD IS REALLY PISSING ME OFF.

 

You want to talk about thinking your life is over?? You want to compare notes about feeling so depressed and hopeless you want to DIE? You want to discuss how it feels to believe that you will NEVER love anyone else ever again?? i think I wrote the book, baby.

 

You want to know what REAL hopelessness feels like? Have the love of your life and parent of your child just suddenly DIE and take your entire future with them. I don't get to wait for random meaningless texts from him. I don't get to hope he comes back to me someday. I don't get to analyze a damn thing. Because he's DEAD. It's DONE. And I had to KEEP MOVING. Don't insult me by telling me that this CHILDISH disrespectful GIRL leaving you and moving in with another man is somehow UN-GET-OVERABLE.

 

For you to say that this ONE person is your ONLY way to happiness is one of the weakest and pathetic things I have ever heard. Are you really for real?? I mean, do you HEAR yourself? You may think you're fooling everyone with how much "progress" you have made and the "tons" of new friends and the "traveling" and whatever other delusions you've got going, but we know the truth. And all people are trying to do is HELP you. THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. Either be a MAN and GO AFTER THE WOMAN YOU (for some confusing reason) STILL "LOVE" or just be a MAN and LET. THIS. S***. GO.

 

PLEASE. It's too much, and NOTHING you are saying to try to justify this unstable and unhealthy behavior you are exhibiting is actually justifying ANYTHING.

 

Your'e being a coward. That's it. And that's ALL. Your situation is NOT unique; your "love" for her is not unique; SHE is NOT unique. The sooner you accept that, the better off you'll be. YOU are doing this to YOURSELF.

 

Come on, man. 300+ people can't be WRONG and you are the only voice of reason.

 

Life is tough for everybody. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER and get ON with things.

 

Thank you for your response. I understand your unfounded disbelief at my situation, and I'm going to be generous enough to accept your own story of loss as the truth. I'm honestly sorry to hear that you suffered that, and hope that no one viewed your grief and despair as simply a fascinating train-wreck.

[Earlybird2016]

The simple fact that this mega thread is 24 pages long says everything.

 

You need to stop being delusional. You have to let this woman go and move on. Everyone faces the same situation as you and your situation is nothing special or different.

 

You had a relationship with this woman. She wanted out. It's over. Move on. End of story...

 

 

Until the next woman knocks your socks off and you will wonder why you WASTED 24 PAGES trying to convince yourself of your delusion.

 

Someday you will be embarrassed by all of this. I promise.

 

Thank you, but no woman is going to "knock my socks off". It's not their fault, but I'm honestly repulsed by the thought of laughing with them, holding hands etc, because they're not her. Yes, despite her constant initiating contact and inviting me to contact her, it appears over, but that still wouldn't make it fair to spend time with a woman I'd ultimately despise.

[BC1980]

OP, a lot of your despair is due to your mindset. You wallow in your misery. You will be miserable for awhile, no doubt, but wallowing in it is something entirely different.

[DarrenB]

Thank you, but no woman is going to "knock my socks off". It's not their fault, but I'm honestly repulsed by the thought of laughing with them, holding hands etc, because they're not her. Yes, despite her constant initiating contact and inviting me to contact her, it appears over, but that still wouldn't make it fair to spend time with a woman I'd ultimately despise.

 

Thing is...

 

Have you even attempted it yet? I feel you just assume that.

[BlkVelvet]

Thank you for your response. I understand your unfounded disbelief at my situation, and I'm going to be generous enough to accept your own story of loss as the truth. I'm honestly sorry to hear that you suffered that, and hope that no one viewed your grief and despair as simply a fascinating train-wreck.

 

 

Lol, way to completely miss the point, buddy. But, ok. I get it. Everyone gets to choose the life they want to live. You have settled upon a life of misery and loneliness.

 

I have never seen anyone so pathologically determined to stay STUCK. This is NOT normal.

 

But since you dont listen to ANYTHING anybody says to you and have a smart a** answer for every post that's not coddling you. . .why are you HERE? You've got it all figured out and have made the decision to never even TRY to love again or, hell, just to STOP pining for someone who doesn't want you. So WHAT is your purpose for continuing this thread??

 

I mean, apparently you're the smartest guy in the room. What do you need us for??

[Earlybird2016]

Thing is...

 

Have you even attempted it yet? I feel you just assume that.

 

I get asked out a lot. In twelve months every woman I've met has been different to her so ... Not happening.

[DarrenB]

I get asked out a lot. In twelve months every woman I've met has been different to her so ... Not happening.

 

Do you even want to move on, heal? do you enjoy doing this to yourself?

 

Genuine, concerning questions...

[Earlybird2016]

Lol, way to completely miss the point, buddy. But, ok. I get it. Everyone gets to choose the life they want to live. You have settled upon a life of misery and loneliness.

 

I have never seen anyone so pathologically determined to stay STUCK. This is NOT normal.

 

But since you dont listen to ANYTHING anybody says to you and have a smart a** answer for every post that's not coddling you. . .why are you HERE? You've got it all figured out and have made the decision to never even TRY to love again or, hell, just to STOP pining for someone who doesn't want you. So WHAT is your purpose for continuing this thread??

 

I mean, apparently you're the smartest guy in the room. What do you need us for??

 

I didn't miss the point, I saw someone trying to "help" by basically saying I was lying, and responsed appropriately.

 

I came here originally looking for a reason why she continues to contact her ex. I hoped that the experience of the forum might give me some clues, but all I've found is the standard advice to block/ignore and settle for some woman I don't want.

 

I guarantee that if the situation was reversed, if I was posting about a current gf repeatedly contacting the ex she left to be with me, everyone would be yelling "Red Flag Red Flag! She wants her ex back!"

 

So that's confusing.

[Ilovepizzalady]

Having been both the dumper and dumpee, as a dumper I contacted my ex because I considered him a friend but was no longer romantically attracted to him. I kept in contact because I thought he was a nice guy and a friend. That's it. Now, I'm not saying you won't ever be able to have her be attracted to you, but for me, it only happened when my ex had completely moved on and entered a new relationship. I didn't know he was in a new relationship but I had considered things on my own and then I wanted him back. I wrote him a humongous email confessing all this, and he was like wtf I'm in a relationship, and he waited months before considering it. He was a new man, he was healthy and happy again. She will never consider you as a mate again unless you move on.

[Ilovepizzalady]

She is contacting you because she thinks you are a pal.

[BC1980]

I came here originally looking for a reason why she continues to contact her ex. I hoped that the experience of the forum might give me some clues, but all I've found is the standard advice to block/ignore and settle for some woman I don't want.

 

We gave you several reasons she might be contacting you. You usually dismissed our reasons. I think what happened is that you came here wanting people to give you reasons that fit in with the idea that your ex might want you back. Pretty much everyone said that was likely not the case. That was the advice we gave based on our experiences and observations of your situation. Of course, you are free to dismiss what we have to say. I think a lot of people felt compelled to offer additional advice on how to move on because it was so clear to us that your ex didn't want you back and wasn't even worthy of that considering her behavior. I guess all I can say is that you have not taken any of our advice and have still made no progress. There's really not much more we can do at this point except wish you well.

[LD1990]

I came here originally looking for a reason why she continues to contact her ex. I hoped that the experience of the forum might give me some clues, but all I've found is the standard advice to block/ignore and settle for some woman I don't want.

 

Bullsh*t.

 

You have gotten MANY responses over this massive thread where people suggested possible reasons for her contacting you (to get her ego stroked, emotional support, because she figures you're a friend now). You just haven't gotten the response you wanted, which is that she wants you back, so you've asked over and over hoping that someone will feed into your delusions.

 

And block/ignore isn't even the only advice you've gotten. Multiple people told you that if you feel that strongly about her you could just tell her and see what happens, you also didn't want to do that.

 

So you haven't been man enough to do anything but sit around, obsess over your ex, and wait for her to contact you. And when none of the hundreds who have responded thought that was a good idea, you don't like the advice you're getting. Hmm, I wonder who's more likely to be wrong here, you or everyone who is telling you the same thing?

[BC1980]

LISTEN UP: I AM YOUR EX. No, I did NOT cheat on my ex-boyfriend and leave him for another man and move in with him, but. . .I DID leave him because, after SIX years, I realized that he didn't make me happy, the relationship wasn't fulfilling and that I was just COMFORTABLE. I decided that not only was that not fair to me, but it wasn't fair to HIM.

 

Now, to confess: I STILL speak to him. I STILL SEE him from time to time. I STILL LOVE him dearly. BUT I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM. I DO NOT WANT TO BE WITH HIM ANY LONGER. And every time I date someone new and things aren't going well, or I dump or get dumped, YES, I contact him for EMOTIONAL support. WHY? The same reason your ex contacts YOU for time to time: because I KNOW he still loves me and will be there for me whenever I need him. I feel guilty about this, but I am a flawed human being, he allows it, and it is what it is.

 

You say she never discusses her relationship with you? I know she doesn't. I don't discuss mine either. He knows I date other people. He knows I'm looking for 'the ONE' for me. But I care for him so I don't EVER rub that in his face. EVER. I care about the FRIENDSHIP. I don't want to lose that. I want him in my life as a FRIEND for the rest of my LIFE. Even when/if I marry. He's not a bad person, and when a woman KNOWS a man LOVES the s*** out of her, she APPRECIATES that and WILL lean on him for emotional support if he's willing to give it. It really doesn't matter that you don't know details of her intimate relationship (and don't give me the bullcrap about her/your co-workers who, for some creepy reason have absolutely nothing else in their lives to talk about than this lady and HER family and HER relationship -- geez that's twilight zone weird) she's contacting you to CHECK in and make sure she's still got you by the balls.

 

And. She. Does. Boooooy, DOES she.

 

OP, you would be wise to take notes here. A lot of us were basically telling you the same thing, and, now, you have someone who is doing the same thing to her ex telling you. I realize some other parts of the post might have offended you, but don't dismiss the entire post because of that.

[Earlybird2016]

Having been both the dumper and dumpee, as a dumper I contacted my ex because I considered him a friend but was no longer romantically attracted to him. I kept in contact because I thought he was a nice guy and a friend. That's it. Now, I'm not saying you won't ever be able to have her be attracted to you, but for me, it only happened when my ex had completely moved on and entered a new relationship. I didn't know he was in a new relationship but I had considered things on my own and then I wanted him back. I wrote him a humongous email confessing all this, and he was like wtf I'm in a relationship, and he waited months before considering it. He was a new man, he was healthy and happy again. She will never consider you as a mate again unless you move on.

 

May I ask, given your experience and if she sees me as a pal (the most likely explanation I've seen here) can you see any reason why she'd be contacting every few weeks for ... Trivial conversations? I mean, we're not having ego-stroke chats. If anything, I'm pretty aloof (to at least give the illusion of moving on). If we're friends (from her PoV) then why after 7 or 8 months escalate to, say, a phone chat?

Edited December 19, 2016 by Earlybird2016

[Ilovepizzalady]

May I ask, given your experience and if she sees me as a pal (the most likely explanation I've seen here) can you see any reason why she'd be contacting every few weeks for ... Trivial conversations? I mean, we're not having ego-stroke chats. If anything, I'm pretty aloof (to at least give the illusion of moving on). If we're friends (from her PoV) then why after 7 or 8 months escalate to, say, a phone chat?

 

I have trivial conversations with tons of people, especially when I'm not doing much at work or travelling on a train or what have you. I keep in touch with so many people, acquaintances basically. That's why I do it, just pure keeping my mind occupied. I don't think you can read into anything. If it hurts you to keep in touch without being with her, then cut it off for your own sanity. It will help you 100%. If you feel like you can keep in touch, in the hopes that one day she will miss you, then do it. However, you will become MUCH more attractive to her if you get on with your life, emotionally move on from her.

[Ilovepizzalady]

Dating other women doesn't mean you have to pretend to be ready for a relationship. If you say to them, I'm fresh out of a serious relationship I am no where near ready to commit to anyone else, I'm heartbroken. That's honest. You don't have to commit to someone to have fun.

[Sweetfish]

I didn't miss the point, I saw someone trying to "help" by basically saying I was lying, and responsed appropriately.

 

I came here originally looking for a reason why she continues to contact her ex. I hoped that the experience of the forum might give me some clues, but all I've found is the standard advice to block/ignore and settle for some woman I don't want.

 

I guarantee that if the situation was reversed, if I was posting about a current gf repeatedly contacting the ex she left to be with me, everyone would be yelling "Red Flag Red Flag! She wants her ex back!"

 

So that's confusing.

 

That's because this forum has many hypocrites. I've seen forum members that are praised for saying one thing and completely reverse their ideology in another thread. Almost, using every thread as a way of absorbing their ego.

 

So I understand your confusion.

 

I think your trying to play it really safe to the point that your calculating every move. I find it understandable because your just being very careful because seriously this is your life and it got derailed. So your trying to fix it, because that's what men do..fix things.

 

However, Im being 100% honest with you. If you keep being calculating, if there was a glimmer of a chance your ex was to comeback and you still have this state of mind walking on "eggshells" she will see right thru it.

 

I know from mutual friends that she moved in with him in May (so now they live/work together) and she seems very happy.

 

This is very common situation.

 

Look after 2-3 years the human brain can't maintain the connection between two people. (lovers) If you look at the break-up threads. Almost majority of the break-up are at the 2-4 year mark.

 

its called the 2 year drop

The 3 year glitch

the 5 year itch and etc

 

 

So any man that comes along and gives her attention or validation at this point of time (like a co-worker) combined with many factors can cause her to bail the relationship. (morals, attraction, need changes)

 

The biggest problem you've made is not keeping absolute NC from the beginning. You said you didn't want to appear needy... but silence is a womens weak spot. The unknown kills her.

 

By keeping tabs with her... she knows if this relationship with this guy fails. you will be there. You have not inflicted absolute loss. She kept thinking about you and had to text you.

 

Think about the two situations.

 

Situation 1.

 

You respond and now she is at ease.

 

Situation 2.

 

You don't respond and it eat her up inside. She either forgets about it or it disrupts the new relationship.

 

 

You completely eliminated situation 2 by responding.

 

 

I'm curious about the contact though.

 

You freed her of guilt. It means nothing to you. There is not value of this communication.

 

 

Every piece of advice on these forums advocates a "do you" approach, forget the other person and focus on what's best for you. I've tried to do that, from negative things like the suicidal thoughts (doing what's best for me) to more (on the surface at least) positive initiatives, like accepting the end of the relationship and the consequences of lonlieness and pain that go with it. I will NOT future fake the fantasy that I'll have another meaningful relationship, or a family, or anything like that. I think that very much goes AGAINST the forum's overarching supportive policy of accepting reality

 

 

I'm a realist. Its really hard to get a point across as a realist because while everyone is "half cup full" or "half cup empty" I see things as real time. This cup has two futures depending on the situation. I believe you've read many threads on this forums and other forums and saw the data and didn't like it.. so the advice you get you feel its generic.

 

So ... reading through the forums, looking for some hope.

 

"Go NC"

"Move on"

"You'll meet someone else"

 

So f#$king frustrating, when I'm reading stories where the ex wants to meet up, wants to talk, wants to do SOMETHING, after mere weeks of contact that's less than I've received in frequency and consistency.

 

No contact is vital.

 

Its give you perspective.

It gives the ex time to think.

It gives you time to build your self into a better person.

 

Reading you post... your being too romantic and lovey dovey. Your too nice and too accommodating. Your going to realize the love you think your going to get.. your not going to get it. Me and my best friend had this conversation a while ago. The new generation of men are just built on a platform of being a tad bit more sensitive and the minute a more masculine man comes into the picture.. your out.

 

Science shows the minute a man gets into a relationship his testosterone drops and a females testosterone rises.

 

Another reason to go no contact. You literally do grow your balls back .

 

 

Seriously, you think you were put on this world just for this girl.

 

You've learn to walk, talk, drive and work.

You built an identity and personality.

You've gone thru good and bad hell and back.

You've laughed and cry. Seen art seen the sky and the ocean.

 

and you meet someone for what 4 years and now you wanna toss everything out the window... Seriously? Your not being rational my friend and your not being fair to you, nor your family or friends.

[BlkVelvet]

I didn't miss the point, I saw someone trying to "help" by basically saying I was lying, and responsed appropriately.

 

I came here originally looking for a reason why she continues to contact her ex. I hoped that the experience of the forum might give me some clues, but all I've found is the standard advice to block/ignore and settle for some woman I don't want.

 

I guarantee that if the situation was reversed, if I was posting about a current gf repeatedly contacting the ex she left to be with me, everyone would be yelling "Red Flag Red Flag! She wants her ex back!"

 

So that's confusing.

 

Look, I wasn't trying to offend you or hurt you any more than you're already hurt, but I have LITERALLY banged my head against the wall reading your continued refusal to see reality for what it is. I tried to shock you into clarity by giving you MY own experience as the ex that keeps a line of communication open. Since I essentially AM your ex, and you so desperately want to know WHY she sporadically checks in with you. . .well, I gave you the answer.

 

Seriously, man. We aren't getting anything out of telling you to accept the situation and move on. We have no stake in this. We can't be disingenuous and tell you her contact means something. THAT is what would be cruel, not the so-called "offensive" but truthful posts you have recieved.

 

Good luck, man. You're gonna need it.

[Sweetfish]

Look, I wasn't trying to offend you or hurt you any more than you're already hurt, but I have LITERALLY banged my head against the wall reading your continued refusal to see reality for what it is. I tried to shock you into clarity by giving you MY own experience as the ex that keeps a line of communication open. Since I essentially AM your ex, and you so desperately want to know WHY she sporadically checks in with you. . .well, I gave you the answer.

 

Seriously, man. We aren't getting anything out of telling you to accept the situation and move on. We have no stake in this. We can't be disingenuous and tell you her contact means something. THAT is what would be cruel, not the so-called "offensive" but truthful posts you have recieved.

 

Good luck, man. You're gonna need it.

 

your saying this metaphorically right?