She contacted me again after months

[Sweetfish]

Even if your girlfriend came back... it may not last.

 

You cant even read between the lines. You think its about maturity. You have an army of people who relate to your situation. They are upset because you dont understand them and you call them bitter to add fuel to the fire. We have ALL been in your situation and know the out come.

 

I was moved by some of the members who expressed how they went thru their own pain of lost. A death of a fiance and you walked over her opinion and heart felt story like trash on a side walk on your quest to find your answer.

 

Are you aware of this behavior..?

 

Is this mature?

 

Divorce rate is 50%

Remarry increases the chances of divorce rate to 70-80%

 

This is if your MARRIED to some one...what are the odd just being boyfriend and girlfriend.. crunch on those numbers and see what your glimmer of hope is slim... very slim.

 

Your personality needs an overhaul. Its not working.

Edited December 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to edited post ~T

[Sweetfish]

I find it hard to believe that everyone in your office has a picture of this girl. I think you conveyed the the story too dramatic. Maybe everyone has a company picture of everyone together and she happens to be in the picture. I think the way you said it just didnt seem believable. Thats why you got called out.

 

Do you agree that even from the outside to hear that everyone has a picture of this girl and talk about her every single day for the last x amount of months is hard to believe.

Edited December 21, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
reply to deleted post ~T

[Earlybird2016]

They find it hard to believe that everyone in your office has a picture of this girl. I think you conveyed the the story too dramatic. Maybe everyone has a company picture of everyone together and she happens to be in the picture. I think the way you said it just didnt seem believable. Thats why you got called out.

 

Do you agree that even from the outside to hear that everyone has a picture of this girl and talk about her every single day for the last x amount of months is hard to believe.

 

I do agree, but as I say, I've been honest throughout. If there's one thing that comes across from my posts it's that I'm not hiding anything, regardless of how the facts might portray me. I actually specify in the post we're talking about that it's photos of work nights out etc. I wasn't specific but that covers work events, Christmas parties, weddings, birthdays, anniversaries etc. It was ten years, and in all honesty up until the ghosting etc NOBODY (myself included) saw any hint of cruel or unkind behaviour. She touched everyone's lives with her personality (no pedestal there - however irrational MY behaviour seems, she is/was a great person, and people loved/love her).

 

Plus it's a department of around 80 people (plus the other departments we work with) so yeah, everyone has a memento or photo of her in some capacity. We're together on most of them.

 

As for discussing her ... Well, the sheer volume of people means that I hear SOMETHING every day, and as I've previously mentioned, the guy she's with now is from the same part of the world as a current colleague's fiancé, so discussions come up about the cultural comparisons etc. As well as that, people miss her and are also mega-impressed by her ostensibly glamorous new lifestyle (new job, boyfriend, city, house and so on).

 

With or without that explanation, it may sound unlikely, but it's the truth, and NO ONE on this board deserves to be called a liar.

[William]

Folks, it looks like a few posters have become a little frustrated in this one so I'll be doing a little clean-up to get things back in line.

 

I'd like to remind everyone that you are not required to reply to any thread. If you are frustrated by a particular thread it is often best to move on rather then let that frustration spoil your replies and the help you are trying to give. ~T

[BlkVelvet]

I do agree, but as I say, I've been honest throughout. If there's one thing that comes across from my posts it's that I'm not hiding anything, regardless of how the facts might portray me. I actually specify in the post we're talking about that it's photos of work nights out etc. I wasn't specific but that covers work events, Christmas parties, weddings, birthdays, anniversaries etc. It was ten years, and in all honesty up until the ghosting etc NOBODY (myself included) saw any hint of cruel or unkind behaviour. She touched everyone's lives with her personality (no pedestal there - however irrational MY behaviour seems, she is/was a great person, and people loved/love her).

 

Plus it's a department of around 80 people (plus the other departments we work with) so yeah, everyone has a memento or photo of her in some capacity. We're together on most of them.

 

As for discussing her ... Well, the sheer volume of people means that I hear SOMETHING every day, and as I've previously mentioned, the guy she's with now is from the same part of the world as a current colleague's fiancé, so discussions come up about the cultural comparisons etc. As well as that, people miss her and are also mega-impressed by her ostensibly glamorous new lifestyle (new job, boyfriend, city, house and so on).

 

With or without that explanation, it may sound unlikely, but it's the truth, and NO ONE on this board deserves to be called a liar.

 

No one actually called you a liar. But there's also no obligation to believe something that's this incredible.

 

Good luck.

[Earlybird2016]

My break happened just over a year ago. I haven't contacted my ex in nearly a year (although she makes contact every few weeks - I've pretty much responded in a cool but approachable manner every time, but have ignored the Christmas and New Year texts, specific to me, not group greetings).

 

I've done all the usual stuff to heal (self improvement in all aspects). I haven't dated because I still love my ex and so obviously the sensible thing is to hold back on that.

 

But one aspect is making it extra difficult to refocus my thoughts away from her. We worked together/were friends for ten years (in a relationship for four) and there hasn't been a day that's gone by in twelve months that I haven't heard about her (or her new relationship) from colleagues. They even have photos of us on their desks of us from work events, birthdays, weddings etc, so I see her in my arms every day.

 

I can't really dictate what 80 or so people talk about, nor ask them to take the photos down when they love/miss her so much, but it's driving me crazy. Getting another job would basically entail throwing away a 22 year career, OR moving to another country to pursue the job.

 

I just don't know what I can do.

[BC1980]

My break happened just over a year ago. I haven't contacted my ex in nearly a year (although she makes contact every few weeks - I've pretty much responded in a cool but approachable manner every time, but have ignored the Christmas and New Year texts, specific to me, not group greetings).

 

I've done all the usual stuff to heal (self improvement in all aspects). I haven't dated because I still love my ex and so obviously the sensible thing is to hold back on that.

 

But one aspect is making it extra difficult to refocus my thoughts away from her. We worked together/were friends for ten years (in a relationship for four) and there hasn't been a day that's gone by in twelve months that I haven't heard about her (or her new relationship) from colleagues. They even have photos of us on their desks of us from work events, birthdays, weddings etc, so I see her in my arms every day.

 

I can't really dictate what 80 or so people talk about, nor ask them to take the photos down when they love/miss her so much, but it's driving me crazy. Getting another job would basically entail throwing away a 22 year career, OR moving to another country to pursue the job.

 

I just don't know what I can do.

 

It seems extreme that you hear about her everyday. Not saying you are not telling the truth, but that just seems very extreme. I understand not wanting to change jobs. I was in a similar position when my relationship ended. My ex and I worked at the same hospital, so a lot of people knew us as a couple. I had a lot of memories relating to that hospital. After we broke up, people would ask me about him. There was a time period when he went to work at a different hospital but eventually came back to where I work. He remains there today. So I see him occasionally, and we have had to talk about work related issues on several occasions. So I do get where you are coming from. I could have sought a different job, but I like my job. I was also working on getting vested in the retirement program at the time. So understand why you have decided to stay at your job.

 

I actually don't think the job is the main problem. I think the issues related to your job can be overcome. You can ignore people talking about her. You can ignore pictures of her. Your main problems are: 1. Your mindset of feeling you will never get over her. You are self-defeating. 2. Your insistence of leaving the door open and allowing her communication with you. The fact that you do not initiate the contact means nothing. The fact that you are open to the contact and, in fact, want the contact means everything.

 

The work thing is an excuse you are using. Look, my ex and I met at work, so I had a lot of memories at my workplace. I would know he was in the building when I worked and wondered if I would run into him. I had to speak to him about work related stuff at a time when I was very emotionally fragile. I've had to navigate some uncomfortable and emotional situations with him that were work related. But the difference is that my mindset was one of moving on. I did not leave the door open for contact with him in any way outside of what was necessary at work. She doesn't even work with you in the same building. That is great. You can work with that. You don't have to see her. I was able to move on in my situation where everyone I work with knows this guy.

[Blanco]

I can speak from personal experience that blocking the number is worlds apart from leaving the door open and simply letting them initiate any contact. One gives you a sense of security while enabling space for true healing. The other is like an alcoholic resisting the urge to drink, all the while keeping a cabinet full of booze in the house.

 

So I agree with the above poster who says it's not so much the co-workers who are keeping you stuck on your ex: It's you leaving the door open for her all the while operating under the mindset that you could never be happy with another woman.

[Been]

I know it sucks-I have to work with mine as well.

You have to shut the door and LOCK it. BLOCK her number.

NO contact.

You going to have to discipline yourself to not feel anything when someone brings her up. Harder said then done I know. But if you don't people can see your reaction. She's moved on and your stuck-you don't want people to think or see that when they talk to you.

Get mad. Tell yourself you deserve better. And your not going to settle

Then sit down and replay your past relationship. Write down the bad vs the good. And I gurrantee you'll have a lot more in the bad column then good.

Then seriously ask yourself why you would want that.

[Pumpingiron34]

Mine did the same exact thing after five years dude. She hit 21 when bat **** crazy and literally vanished on me as if i never exsisted or we had nothing. Dated a new dude not even a month later. I chased her the first month and that was that. **** THAT **** ID RATHER BURN ALIVE IN PAIN THEN BE SOME ONES SECOND OPTION

[Earlybird2016]

I'm posting here because I don't know what else to do. I just feel at the end of my rope, and if I'm honest at the end of a rope is where I wish I was right now.

 

Over a year has passed, twelve months of self-improvement and achievements, twelve months of being asked out by dozens of girls, and none of it means anything without my ex. The good and bad times of life are about sharing, and I can't stand not having her to share anything with, can't stand hearing about her every day, can't stand life.

 

Sorry for the rant.

[stillafool]

Why are you hearing about her everyday? Whoever is feeding you info about her tell them to stop as that is the kiss of death. If you find that you just can't accept the breakup it is time for professional counseling to help you get to the other side.

[Earlybird2016]

Why are you hearing about her everyday? Whoever is feeding you info about her tell them to stop as that is the kiss of death. If you find that you just can't accept the breakup it is time for professional counseling to help you get to the other side.

 

I've had months of counselling. It's just words. I hear about her every day because we used to work together and there's like 80 people who love and miss her and have photos of her on their desks (work nights etc, often pictures of us as a couple). I can't leave because the job is so specialised and I'd be jettisoning a 22 year career.

 

Right now I feel that death is the only thing that would bring me peace, but I can't even do that because we knew each other for a decade and I could never hurt her like that.

[stillafool]

I think it is very disrespectful of your coworkers to have pictures of the two of you on their desk knowing you are suffering from the breakup. Maybe try hypnotherapy.

[Earlybird2016]

I think it is very disrespectful of your coworkers to have pictures of the two of you on their desk knowing you are suffering from the breakup. Maybe try hypnotherapy.

 

I've tried it. Hypnosis, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Grief Counselling ... All a waste of time because no matter how much I "change my thinking" or whatever it doesn't alter the fact that SHE ISN'T HERE.

 

She stays in touch, I've been approachable (while at the same time filling my social media with content to show I'm doing stuff) but if she wanted to be with me then she would be. So ... I don't even have hope anymore.

 

And the pictures ... They love her, so wouldn't take them down or quit talking about her anyway, but I try to keep my suffering from them because I don't eat her to know I'm hurting.

[Blanco]

Block her number. Stop being approachable. End the madness, man.

[Storyteller2017]

The first message was a birthday wish to me that transitioned into a pleasant enough catch up. The second was about four weeks later, again a catch up. Two weeks after that, she text condolences as she'd heard one of my relatives had passed away. About four weeks after, another general catch up and another around four weeks after that.

 

I don't know. It's tempting after such a long period of ignoring me followed by no contact, that content aside, the texts ARE the message. But of course I'm doing my best to take them at SOME face value.

 

She's hitting you up because she's still feeling guilty about leaving you. This is not about you it's about her. She wants a clean conscience. Once she knows you are still her friend she will move on with her life and ignore you.

You can either entertain her and tell her wants she wants to hear (hey it's just words) or you can ignore.

 

But she has no intention of getting back or (even being your friend) unless all

else fails, then you will be her lifeboat. Even if that happened and you got back together she would cheat on you because you are just doormat.

 

Do yourself a favor and block this POS !

Edited January 10, 2017 by Storyteller2017

[Storyteller2017]

Hi

 

First time post so I'll try to keep a long story short, happy to clarify anything if I miss something out.

 

Together four years, then approx ten months ago (November) she got a new job, met someone new and about a month after that she ghosted me. Because of the new guy and also not wanting to appear needy, I sent maybe six texts, one email and a letter, all over a TWO MONTH period, and eventually after seeing her posting romantic stuff on Facebook on V-day I sent a text wishing her well and saying that she was always welcome to contact again, but I wouldn't be contacting anymore.

 

So, Feb to May, nothing. But it's her birthday in May, and I sent a very neutral (best wishes) birthday card, partly out of a hope to reconnect but not really holding onto much hope. A few days later, her sister text me on her behalf to say that the card was appreciated, and I basically said "She's welcome, best wishes to all the family."

 

My birthday was four weeks later, and she text. A brief conversation, pleasant enough. Since then, there have been five text convos, a few weeks apart, all initiated by her. General catch ups (weirdly, she drops hints about the new relationship but has never mentioned him directly even once). I know from mutual friends that she moved in with him in May (so now they live/work together) and she seems very happy.

 

I'm curious about the contact though. I've thought about the "traditional" reasons and I'm not sure they apply. Guilt? Maybe, but surely that would be eased after, say, the first TWO calls where I was approachable and friendly? Ego? Perhaps, but to all intents and purposes, she "WON" this, new job, new relationship etc, and while I'm pleasant in the convos, I'm certainly not begging for her back or showing my feelings, so I'm not sure what ego boost there is.

 

I've probably missed out lots, so happy to clarify if needed. All opinions welcome, but especially the female perspective. I don't know if I want her back, but certainly I'd like to talk and at the moment I'm more curious about the WHY rather than what might happen in the future.

 

Thanks, everyone

 

You're overthinking it. I know you had 4 years with her and it hurts but she left you. That's the acid test! She LEFT you for another guy. That's all the information you need to base your decisions . You need to block and forget. You can NEVER go back. You can't even be friends. It's over. Move on and get on with your life. It and you are BETTER than her!

[DarrenB]

I empathize for you, I really do... but the fact that you're allowing yourself to be so forbearing to her after all that has transpired, it really just eliminates any if not all progress that you have made from that point of parting to now.

 

You stated 'I can't leave because the job is so specialised and I'd be jettisoning a 22 year career'. If I were in your position and it drove me to the current extent that you're at, I would make the rash decision and leave, whether it be temporarily or permanently. Regardless of duration at said job and whatever else, your health and wellbeing is a lot more important. This is a discussion that I've had with multiple employees, employers and managers.

 

My question to you is, how many days/weeks are you entitled to for annual leave? If you still feel so immensely burdened by this, and it mostly stems from occupation and surroundings based there, it might be a good idea to take some time away to let yourself recuperate again and just have general time to do whatever you choose to without all of these reminiscences and mentions of her.

[Blanco]

OP, I just don't think you've been honest with yourself, and thus, not honest with us. You have insisted several times that even if she came back, you don't think you'd be able to give it another go.

 

The thing of it is, though, there's been a part of you that has always expected her to come back. It's why you've not blocked her. It's why you've latched on to straws and misinterpreted her intentions when she contacts you. There is no shame in this, but if you are ever to actually make real progress, you have to finally admit this.

 

You have to admit that you desperately want her to come back. You have to admit that you have not blocked her number, because you believe that doing so will add a barrier, perhaps even a wall, between you and her coming back to you.

 

Your work situation is not helping, but you could be thousands of miles away from that place and still be feeling what you're feeling because you have not full accepted that she is gone. You have not fully accepted that despite your claims, you would probably do anything to get that text or call from her that says, "I want you back."

 

Look, I was somewhat in your shoes. I didn't block her, but I never initiated contact with her. I made inferences about what it meant that she was always the one to reach out, even though she had a boyfriend. I didn't want her back, and was really just nursing a bruised ego that she had moved on to someone so fast after what we had (a home, family, etc.). I finally had enough and realized that me never reaching out didn't mean anything if I was spending each day wondering when/if I'd hear from her. Every night I didn't hear from her was like experiencing another rejection from her. Every night I did hear from her was only keeping me stuck in this place between my old life and forging my new life. It was hell. So I finally blocked her number.

 

That was almost a year ago, and while I certainly still think about her and don't feel great that she's still with the guy, I find myself carrying about much better. My evenings are spent doing other things with only the occasional thought about if she has reached out to me recently. For all I know, she's not reached out once since I blocked her. For all I know, she's reached out many times. For all I know, she's stayed in chit-chat mode. For all I know, she's texted me that she misses me and misses us. The point is, I don't know. And that's the only way I can continue on in life without her.

 

You need to do the same.

[Storyteller2017]

I've tried it. Hypnosis, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, Grief Counselling ... All a waste of time because no matter how much I "change my thinking" or whatever it doesn't alter the fact that SHE ISN'T HERE.

 

She stays in touch, I've been approachable (while at the same time filling my social media with content to show I'm doing stuff) but if she wanted to be with me then she would be. So ... I don't even have hope anymore.

 

And the pictures ... They love her, so wouldn't take them down or quit talking about her anyway, but I try to keep my suffering from them because I don't eat her to know I'm hurting.

 

Is she BPD? BPD women are kryptonite. You need to RUN not walk man. I been there. If she still keeps contacting you she has a fear of abandonment. But once you show you are there, she will ignore you. But if she is BPD, God help you. I feel your pain.

[Storyteller2017]

Hey OP

You given up her yet? You should watch "Swingers" with Vince Vaughn. You remind me of "Mikey".

[Earlybird2016]

Storyteller2017 - lol yeah, I've seen Swingers, and I know what you mean about Mikey, but I passed that stage a LONG time ago. I still have all my thoughts of suicide etc, but rather than Mikey-style emotional blindness, now they're based on concepts like knowing I'll never have a family, or enjoy any kind of physical or emotional intimacy with another person again. Logical, rationally considered principles like that, rather than pedestal based oneitis.

 

Have I given up on her? Well, it's been many months since I've thought that she and I could work again (although I still have unavoidable hopes of reconnecting, and given her continued contact, for all I know so does she) so yes, in that sense I gave up months ago.

 

I'm still scared about meeting her at an upcoming event, I'm still exhausted with hearing about her/seeing photos every day, but there's nothing that can make this better for me personally now, I've pretty much tried everything except dating again (I get asked out a few times a week by different girls, all of them smart and pretty, but what's the point in downgrading just to be with someone?)

[Earlybird2016]

I think the hardest thing about my OWN situation (thankfully this isn't true for everyone) is the knowing that it can't get any better, knowing that life will stay as washed-out and flavourless as it is now. I'm basically a dead man walking.

 

I'm more successful, fit and (it would appear) more attractive than ever, but it's worthless. That's the hardest part, knowing that I'm just killing time until death comes my way.

[Earlybird2016]

I need to vent, and I just don't know where else to turn. I'm so frustrated at how NONE of the advice given to dumpees has made a dent in my unhappiness.

 

I don't blame anyone on the forum, nor any of the authors of any online article about "coping" or "moving on" - the advice has to work for SOMEONE, just not me.

 

More than a year post break up I've:

 

Worked out to the peak of my physical fitness

Completely and very positively reinvented my image (superficial yes, but part of the advice given)

Had months of therapy to address any issues I might have

Been promoted at work, making twice what I did pre-breakup

Caught the eye of dozens of women (I pretty much get asked out on dates two or three times a week)

Spent time with old friends, made lots of new friends through new hobbies

Blocked all contact with the dumper (I haven't initiated in twelve months, she does every few weeks or so)

Journaled, objectively listed the good and bad points of the relationship, taken up meditation ... I've tried it all (except dating - it's unfair to everyone to date anyone whom I'll objectively consider as a downgrade)

 

All worthless, because what's the point in fixing things if the one element that's missing is her? All I'm doing is decorating a room that no one will ever see.