Ronni_W Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Hugs, Earlybird2016. Certainly you have done plenty to make your 'inner room' prettier -- and, you do get to see that; so, it's not that no one is ever going to see it. You do get to be proud of your achievements along these lines - and your opinion about yourself counts for much. Did your therapist ask you to also objectively contemplate/figure out what it is that has this girl still on a pedestal? Also, perhaps it is that you still need to take the final step -- of blocking your "every few weeks or so" contact with her. The fact that she's the one initiating it is neither here nor there. I get that, so far, you don't feel that much further ahead...and that must suck, after all your genuine and hard-fought efforts. All's I can do is offer to not give up. Hugs, Ronni Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 Blocked all contact with the dumper (I haven't initiated in twelve months, she does every few weeks or so) How do you know she is initiating if you have blocked her? Something is a miss and this might be the thing you are missing. Link to post Share on other sites
DarrenB Posted February 2, 2017 Share Posted February 2, 2017 I'm going to be brutally honest. It sounds like you're lying, or at the very least lying to yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Earlybird2016 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 I'm going to be brutally honest. It sounds like you're lying, or at the very least lying to yourself. I wish I was. I wish I had the luxury of lying to myself. I sometimes think that in a messed up way, the last twelve months would have been somehow easier if I hadn't been so proactive or successful in attempting the so-called recovery options. All that seems to have happened is that everything else working so well in my life has made her absence all the more agonising, because of the contrast, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Earlybird2016 Posted February 3, 2017 Author Share Posted February 3, 2017 Hugs, Earlybird2016. Certainly you have done plenty to make your 'inner room' prettier -- and, you do get to see that; so, it's not that no one is ever going to see it. You do get to be proud of your achievements along these lines - and your opinion about yourself counts for much. Did your therapist ask you to also objectively contemplate/figure out what it is that has this girl still on a pedestal? Also, perhaps it is that you still need to take the final step -- of blocking your "every few weeks or so" contact with her. The fact that she's the one initiating it is neither here nor there. I get that, so far, you don't feel that much further ahead...and that must suck, after all your genuine and hard-fought efforts. All's I can do is offer to not give up. Hugs, Ronni Thanks for replying. It's been many months since my ex was on any kind of pedestal. She behaved terribly during the break up (ghosting after ten years friendship/four year relationship, broadcasting the relationship with the guy she left me for on social media etc) and certainly I feel I've got a realistic view of her many flaws (and qualities). Ultimately tho, we all love who we love in spite of the flaws. Like all of us, she is far from perfect, but what's the point in my being with someone else funnier/prettier/smarter or whatever if NONE of that makes another person in any way "better"? Without my ex, I can only downgrade. And I blocked her about two months ago, as advised on here. Up to that point she'd been texting every few weeks, inviting me to text her whenever etc. Blocking has been a waste of time in recovery terms. I still hear about her/see photos of us together every day (we used to work together, and everyone of my co-workers is still in touch with her, has photos of work and social events on their desks etc). Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 3, 2017 Share Posted February 3, 2017 but what's the point in my being with someone else funnier/prettier/smarter or whatever if NONE of that makes another person in any way "better"? The point is for you to be with someone who holds you in higher esteem, and sees and loves and accepts you for who you are today...while not overlooking or ignoring your almost-limitless potential for growth and to always come up higher. The point is to be with someone who loves you. You are looking at 'funny, pretty and smart' as your standards, but you haven't mentioned qualities of and abilities to be loving, understanding, compassionate, forgiving, etc. (Not saying that you don't also take these into consideration but the ones you mentioned, which are the more superficial ones, likely are at the top of your present list of how you prioritize these things.) Without my ex, I can only downgrade.And, that's the pedestal that you are denying still exists. Link to post Share on other sites
Storyteller2017 Posted February 8, 2017 Share Posted February 8, 2017 Just move on man. You will find something better. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 No he won't, because he's determined not to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Storyteller2017 Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 No he won't, because he's determined not to. That's why I think he might be caught in BPD trap. It takes an iron will to getaway from these devils . Unless you block them 1000%, they will keep stringing you along and leave you hanging. They have no intention of reconciling. You need to man up and just block her and avoid situations where you can see her. You need to run Forrest run! Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted February 9, 2017 Share Posted February 9, 2017 That's why I think he might be caught in BPD trap. It takes an iron will to getaway from these devils . Unless you block them 1000%, they will keep stringing you along and leave you hanging. They have no intention of reconciling. You need to man up and just block her and avoid situations where you can see her. You need to run Forrest run! It is not the ex's fault that the OP has refused to be honest with the ex and tell her how he feels or that he is not capable of engaging in a truly platonic friendship with her. Nothing the OP has shared indicates that the ex has tried to string him along. If you read the beginning of this thread, it was the OP who initiated contact by sending the ex a birthday card. The ex, perhaps being naive, assumed this was a peace offering of sorts from the OP and took it to mean that he was comfortable with maintaining an association/friendship with her. One thing I don't like about these forums is how quick people are to label their exes as having a personality disorder. It seems to apply in some cases, but this isn't one of them. This is entirely the OP being untrue to himself and his ex. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Earlybird2016 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 (edited) Okay ... I've posted about my situation before but hopefully the mods will recognise this as essentially a separate query. It's the same situation but a new development that I'd welcome any advice about. Long story short, broke up with ex of four years when she left me for another guy a little over twelve months ago. She moved in with him after five months then stated contacting me. I didn't block because I was hoping for reconciliation. So, the last message from her was to tell me she got engaged, and wanted me to hear it from her. I surprised myself by how mostly unaffected I was. But I have to meet her and her fiancé in a few weeks. It's a friend's wedding I CANNOT avoid, nor can I avoid interacting with them. So ... I'm going into this with almost a year's worth of therapy, reflection and physical self improvement behind me but yes, I'm nervous. Has anyone been in this situation? Any tips? < previous thread for context: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/592709-she-contacted-me-again-after-months > Edited February 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator added link to previous thread ~6 Link to post Share on other sites
Telemachus Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 Even if you've committed to attend the wedding, there's no way you "have to" interact with both of them. You probably don't have to go near either one of them. If you do come face to face, politely say 'hello,' leave it at that, and walk away. You're not required to converse, and neither are they. I don't see the problem. It isn't like you're a victim of violent crime facing your attacker. People come into and out of our lives. That's how life is. Being polite is all that's required of any of us, and exchanging a nod or a polite 'hello' isn't going to hurt you. Chances are you won't even need to do that. You don't need to speak to either of them. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Earlybird2016 Posted February 27, 2017 Author Share Posted February 27, 2017 Even if you've committed to attend the wedding, there's no way you "have to" interact with both of them. You probably don't have to go near either one of them. If you do come face to face, politely say 'hello,' leave it at that, and walk away. You're not required to converse, and neither are they. I don't see the problem. It isn't like you're a victim of violent crime facing your attacker. People come into and out of our lives. That's how life is. Being polite is all that's required of any of us, and exchanging a nod or a polite 'hello' isn't going to hurt you. Chances are you won't even need to do that. You don't need to speak to either of them. I would be VERY happy not to interact. I bear the guy she's with no ill-will (as far as I've been made aware, he'll have no idea I'm his fiancée's ex - my understanding is that he had no clue she was with anyone when they started dating) but the seating arrangements are such that we're going to be at the same table for however many hours. Also, we'll be surrounded by folks that have known us as a couple for years, who because they're so fond of her will understandably make a huge fuss of the engagement and the ring etc. It's just overall awkward ? Link to post Share on other sites
ReformedPUA Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 (edited) Well OP, I read your previous thread too, so here are my thoughts. 1. If I were in your shoes I would have told her how wrong her break-up behaviour was. I get people here are all for keeping a straight upper lip, but I think it would be cathartic to get it off your chest, even now. 2. If this friend is truly a close friend, maybe they would move you to another table. Are they aware of your situation w your ex. 3. The BEST thing you can do is to act unaffected. If you have another female friend you can take, that would be great. Overall I think it is extremely bizarre on your part that you engaged in months of text small talk w your ex without you bringing up any of the hurt or anger that you felt about how the breakup was handled. Your reward for being such a Nice Guy is that there are all these negative emotions that you are still carrying around and keeping in. You probably would have been further along healing if you had said something instead. Edited February 27, 2017 by ReformedPUA Link to post Share on other sites
Author Earlybird2016 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Well OP, I read your previous thread too, so here are my thoughts. 1. If I were in your shoes I would have told her how wrong her break-up behaviour was. I get people here are all for keeping a straight upper lip, but I think it would be cathartic to get it off your chest, even now. 2. If this friend is truly a close friend, maybe they would move you to another table. Are they aware of your situation w your ex. 3. The BEST thing you can do is to act unaffected. If you have another female friend you can take, that would be great. Overall I think it is extremely bizarre on your part that you engaged in months of text small talk w your ex without you bringing up any of the hurt or anger that you felt about how the breakup was handled. Your reward for being such a Nice Guy is that there are all these negative emotions that you are still carrying around and keeping in. You probably would have been further along healing if you had said something instead. Thanks for responding. There's a lot of truth in your reply. I was never TRULY angry at her for what she did, I guess. I've been close with her for around ten years so the feelings (romantic AND platonic ran/run deep). Plus I've only found out about a lot of this (the relationship overlap, for example) over the months, so that "drip feed" effect has probably softened some of it. As soon as I knew she had a "new" boyfriend I quit contacting her, and I suppose by the time she got in touch months later any negativity TOWARDS her had dissipated. And of course, I was still hoping for reconciliation so ... I responded. I'm pleased that, from her point of view at least, I've handled this situation with strength and kindness and maturity (not entirely true, of course, but as far as she knows ...) As for the wedding ... a plus one isn't an option for me, and although the mutual friend is aware of the situation, it's all about logistics. I either spend the event with folks I know or strangers, hence grouping everyone on one table. But yeah, appearing unaffected is a great option, thank you ? Link to post Share on other sites
sorano Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 why would she even contact you to say that? lol. I would have blocked that **** so fast 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Earlybird2016 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 why would she even contact you to say that? lol. I would have blocked that **** so fast I know! All the contacts have been pretty random to be honest (which didn't really help crush my hopes for reconciliation). Asking about a friend's baby, asking something about my job, telling me a band I like is coming to town etc. All random, all initiated by her over about a nine month period. I'd hoped because of the speed of the relationship (moving in five months, engaged in a year) that there might be rebound element, but no. All I know about the engagement (apart from what mutual acquaintances INSIST on telling/showing me lol) is that she wanted me to hear about it from her before anyone else. Go figure *shrugs* Link to post Share on other sites
loveiswar101 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 2. If this friend is truly a close friend, maybe they would move you to another table. Are they aware of your situation w your ex.. I agree... Link to post Share on other sites
keiji Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 (edited) Well, it seems you've acted very rationally after the breakup. I think you need to be very pragmatic here, and since weddings are weddings, if you feel the urge to talk to her to keep things cordial, try to do it before you're wearing a tie around your head and avoid them the rest of the evening. Alcohol might make any grudges resurface and get you in an awkward situation. Edited February 28, 2017 by keiji Link to post Share on other sites
Author Earlybird2016 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Well, it seems you've acted very rationally after the breakup. I think you need to be very pragmatic here, and since weddings are weddings, if you feel the urge to talk to her to keep things cordial, try to do it before you're wearing a tie around your head and avoid them the rest of the evening. Alcohol might make any grudges resurface and get you in an awkward situation. Haha! I don't really drink anyway, but certainly that night I'm planning maybe one to steady my nerves and that's it. I've had something of an on/off relationship with smoking this year, and I'm even leaving my cigarettes at home to avoid ending up standing outside the venue with them at some point. Avoidance is the big issue here. I dare say despite her continued contact, she's nervous about seeing me, but ultimately we're stuck with the same social obligation. I think for my part, it's the obligation (plus actually WANTING to see our mutual friends' big day) and also ... I know I'll get flak for this but ... at least if we meet, I'll know I had the courage to do that, if that makes sense. I'm very different to how she last saw me (our last date, at a wedding, strangely) and yes, part of me is keen to show I'm okay. But if it was a choice between showing my progress or never seeing her again, I'd take never seeing her every time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Earlybird2016 Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Okay ... bumping this thread because the wedding is getting ever closer and I'm still hoping for more tips and advice. I'm pretty confident that I'll LOOK okay, and given the chance, I could more than likely FAKE nonchalance and good humour etc. But ... I'll pretty much be the only adult there without a plus one, so as people tend to stick together at these events, I'm a little worried about any "nonchalant" attitude remaining unseen because I've no option but to stay alone at the bar all night. The person most likely to strike up a convo with me is my ex, and I don't want that. To be honest, I want to (kind of) show I'm okay with a new look/attitude etc but how do I show the attitude with no one there to talk to/bounce off etc? Thanks for all the replies so far, and all tips appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Earlybird2016 Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Okay ... bumping this thread because the wedding is getting ever closer and I'm still hoping for more tips and advice. I'm pretty confident that I'll LOOK okay, and given the chance, I could more than likely FAKE nonchalance and good humour etc. But ... I'll pretty much be the only adult there without a plus one, so as people tend to stick together at these events, I'm a little worried about any "nonchalant" attitude remaining unseen because I've no option but to stay alone at the bar all night. The person most likely to strike up a convo with me is my ex, and I don't want that. To be honest, I want to (kind of) show I'm okay with a new look/attitude etc but how do I show the attitude with no one there to talk to/bounce off etc? Thanks for all the replies so far, and all tips appreciated. I REALLY need some help here guys! Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 Why don't you take a plus one to the wedding instead of going alone? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 Also if she comes up to you just be polite and walk away. Don't interact. If she is bringing her bf she will be tied up with him anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Earlybird2016 Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Why don't you take a plus one to the wedding instead of going alone? Long story short, there IS no one. All my friends will be at the wedding with their partners. Link to post Share on other sites
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