She contacted me again after months

[Earlybird2016]

Why don't you take a plus one to the wedding instead of going alone?

 

Also if she comes up to you just be polite and walk away. Don't interact. If she is bringing her bf she will be tied up with him anyway.

 

I'm VERY keen not to interact with her. In all honesty, if it wasn't for wanting to celebrate the wedding (and the couple involved would be HUGELY offended if I didn't turn up) I wouldn't be going.

 

But I KNOW she'll approach me. This is the woman who's still invested enough (it would seem) to text me about her engagement so I didn't hear about it from anyone else first. I'm sitting at a table with her and her fiancé for about six hours ?

 

I'm pretty sure he'll have NO IDEA who I'm am (unlike pretty much everyone else at the event lol) so ... I am SO hoping she doesn't turn up because of that. We'll see.

 

Either way, all I want to do is present my best self but as I say ... tricky without anyone to joke or dance with or even talk to. All tips welcome ?

[elaine567]

Long story short, there IS no one. All my friends will be at the wedding with their partners.

 

Work colleague, cousin, neighbour, acquaintance, ex, old flame etc. there must be someone you can ask.

[Earlybird2016]

Work colleague, cousin, neighbour, acquaintance, ex, old flame etc. there must be someone you can ask.

 

I wish.

 

My ex and I spent pretty much every day together for ten years (a relationship for the last four of that) so ... we were pretty well intergrated into each other's lives. There's no one appropriate or available to accompany me.

[Bromeo]

Well OP, I read your previous thread too, so here are my thoughts.

 

1. If I were in your shoes I would have told her how wrong her break-up behaviour was. I get people here are all for keeping a straight upper lip, but I think it would be cathartic to get it off your chest, even now.

 

2. If this friend is truly a close friend, maybe they would move you to another table. Are they aware of your situation w your ex.

 

3. The BEST thing you can do is to act unaffected. If you have another female friend you can take, that would be great.

 

Overall I think it is extremely bizarre on your part that you engaged in months of text small talk w your ex without you bringing up any of the hurt or anger that you felt about how the breakup was handled. Your reward for being such a Nice Guy is that there are all these negative emotions that you are still carrying around and keeping in. You probably would have been further along healing if you had said something instead.

 

Op, if I may, the months of contact may have been her way of weaning off you and onto what will be the hubby. She may have been undecided. If it was a super long RS, then it was probably hard on her as well. I'm not excusing any poor breakup behavior, Jesus, read my thread for the nuclear version of bad breakup stuff from an ex.

 

The only concrete advice is figure out the best way for you to heal, and adhere to it.

 

I concur with the above. I had tolerated months of game playing, and finally had my say in a voicemail late January. If that is your personality, than it can be very cathartic. I found it to be. Although now it would be bad form to do so in before she is married.

 

Regarding attendance, take a plus one. Agree there as well.

 

Be safe.

[Blanco]

I don't know what advice people can give you since your go-to response for a lot of things have been along the lines of "I can't / it's not possible / I won't"

 

I think you're just gonna have to suck this up and let this be an uncomfortable reminder that when a relationship is over, it's usually best for our long term well-being if we close the door on it. You spent well over a year playing the "I only let her contact me" game and it's sort of led you to this evening from hell.

 

You seem like a solid guy and I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, but unfortunately for you, this night isn't about you or your ex and you're gonna have to rise to the occasion of being a good friend by enduring this celebration.

 

Cheers.

[Earlybird2016]

I don't know what advice people can give you since your go-to response for a lot of things have been along the lines of "I can't / it's not possible / I won't"

 

I think you're just gonna have to suck this up and let this be an uncomfortable reminder that when a relationship is over, it's usually best for our long term well-being if we close the door on it. You spent well over a year playing the "I only let her contact me" game and it's sort of led you to this evening from hell.

 

You seem like a solid guy and I wouldn't want to be in your shoes, but unfortunately for you, this night isn't about you or your ex and you're gonna have to rise to the occasion of being a good friend by enduring this celebration.

 

Cheers.

 

Hi, Blanco.

 

To be honest, this "evening from hell" was on the cards for a while pre-break up, and in retrospect, I'm glad about allowing the contact. I think it would have been even worse to have met up again with not a word exchanged in 15 months.

 

As always tho, your advice is sound, and "sucking it up" is the only option. I AM putting my friends' wedding first - I'm finally at the stage where I've no particular wish to interact with my ex at all, so really I'm only attending for the happy sight of celebrating my pals getting hitched.

 

She's actually been in touch again since her message to say she was engaged, just some randomness about an event locally that she thought I'd enjoy, and I just replied with a thanks for the heads-up, have a nice weekend type text. I dunno, I guess in the last two months or so (before the engagement) I just lost the energy to respond.

 

Whatever restrictions I have (self-imposed or otherwise) I just want to get through the event and enjoy seeing the wedding. That's why I've been seeking tips/experience on sending out the best "okayness" impression I can, but for ME, so I'll know I can at least walk away from her with my dignity intact. Whatever emotion/reaction that inspires in her is her problem.

[elaine567]

Try not to drink too much, as all your best laid plans for "sucking it up" and appearing nonchalant and cool, may go awry very quickly.

[Earlybird2016]

Try not to drink too much, as all your best laid plans for "sucking it up" and appearing nonchalant and cool, may go awry very quickly.

 

Very true lol!

 

I'm not much of a drinker anyway, so the plan is no more than two, just to steady my nerves. She likes a drink tho, and she's bound to be nervous/probably get drunk, so I'm trying to factor that into the evening. For all my hopes of avoiding her she's unlikely to be further than ten feet or so away from me throughout the entire event.

 

Plus, my understanding is that her current guy is likely to be the only one there unaware of our past relationship, so I kind of owe it to everyone (myself, the wedding party, even him and her) to behave appropriately.

 

I'm trying to break my worries down into emotional concerns (hoping I come across as improved, not wanted to see him and her kissing or dancing etc) and practical concerns (being limited in options to interact with other attendees, having to talk to the new guy when I don't really want to know about him etc)

[Earlybird2016]

Very true lol!

 

I'm not much of a drinker anyway, so the plan is no more than two, just to steady my nerves. She likes a drink tho, and she's bound to be nervous/probably get drunk, so I'm trying to factor that into the evening. For all my hopes of avoiding her she's unlikely to be further than ten feet or so away from me throughout the entire event.

 

Plus, my understanding is that her current guy is likely to be the only one there unaware of our past relationship, so I kind of owe it to everyone (myself, the wedding party, even him and her) to behave appropriately.

 

I'm trying to break my worries down into emotional concerns (hoping I come across as improved, not wanted to see him and her kissing or dancing etc) and practical concerns (being limited in options to interact with other attendees, having to talk to the new guy when I don't really want to know about him etc)

 

So ... a little update, and hopefully something that might be useful to anyone in the same situation. This time next week I'll be in her company at a wedding reception, and though it's in many ways destined to be the evening from hell for me, I've tried to plan ahead by listening to a list of songs likely to be played (many of them "our songs", ones to which we've danced at countless weddings and parties etc over ten years. I'm listening to the lyrics, the key lines that we always picked up on as relevant to our friendship/relationship, trying to desensitise myself to their personal significance.

 

Hopefully, I'll be able to put the "desensitivity" into practice on the night, but as always, any additional tips or advice for dealing with this unavoidable meeting are appreciated.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

My only advice would be to stop lying to everyone and pretending that everything is ok. You have internalized all of these emotions to make it easier for them, and where has it got you?

 

I'm just warning you, because I predict the next wedding you get invited to will be hers.

[Earlybird2016]

My only advice would be to stop lying to everyone and pretending that everything is ok. You have internalized all of these emotions to make it easier for them, and where has it got you?

 

I'm just warning you, because I predict the next wedding you get invited to will be hers.

 

Her relationship has moved at hyper speed, so you're probably right about the next wedding, though I don't imagine (or want) an invitation.

 

The emotions tho ... I take your point but honestly have no idea what else I can do EXCEPT internalise them at this point. It's been 15 months of talking to friends, therapists, forums ... I've essentially talked the situation to death, and though I'm probably as much at peace with things as I'll ever be, I've clearly exhausted all available options as regards an outlet for my feelings.

 

This is why I have the change in emphasis now. If we're not going to happen (and there's a 99.99999999 etc percent chance that a reconciliation wouldn't work anyway) ... then fine, I'll put on my big boy pants and keep getting used to the idea of no romance, or a family, or a shared future with anyone. I'll live with it, one day at a time, just as so many people have advised.

 

Unfortunately, ONE of those days will be occupied by being stuck in a close environment with her and her fiancé, so what I'm trying to do before then is gather as many PRACTICAL tips as I can to present my best self. Emotionally, this is going to be a nightmare for me, but I'm sure there isn't a single forum member who would advocate that I show that to her.

 

So ... the physical transformation has happened, I'll look completely different, I've given no clue that I'm hurting, but any further tips are of course welcome.

[Earlybird2016]

Her relationship has moved at hyper speed, so you're probably right about the next wedding, though I don't imagine (or want) an invitation.

 

The emotions tho ... I take your point but honestly have no idea what else I can do EXCEPT internalise them at this point. It's been 15 months of talking to friends, therapists, forums ... I've essentially talked the situation to death, and though I'm probably as much at peace with things as I'll ever be, I've clearly exhausted all available options as regards an outlet for my feelings.

 

This is why I have the change in emphasis now. If we're not going to happen (and there's a 99.99999999 etc percent chance that a reconciliation wouldn't work anyway) ... then fine, I'll put on my big boy pants and keep getting used to the idea of no romance, or a family, or a shared future with anyone. I'll live with it, one day at a time, just as so many people have advised.

 

Unfortunately, ONE of those days will be occupied by being stuck in a close environment with her and her fiancé, so what I'm trying to do before then is gather as many PRACTICAL tips as I can to present my best self. Emotionally, this is going to be a nightmare for me, but I'm sure there isn't a single forum member who would advocate that I show that to her.

 

So ... the physical transformation has happened, I'll look completely different, I've given no clue that I'm hurting, but any further tips are of course welcome.

 

I can't post here anymore. I can't go on knowing I'll never be happy again.

 

Thanks for trying, everyone. Good luck x

[kgcolonel]

I can't post here anymore. I can't go on knowing I'll never be happy again.

 

Thanks for trying, everyone. Good luck x

 

Early, I know how you feel. I too was once in a situation that to my soul did not think i could ever be happy or meet another person that could enrich my life the way "she" did. It took time and separation from her but it did happen. Do I sometimes think about her? Yes, but I now see her in a much clearer picture as not only human but also as one where I was not her first choice.

 

The reason I wanted to post to you is because your are at the brink of recovery and you and only you can chose to begin to climb that mountain of recovery or simply to stand at the base and look up saying "it's too much'. I can definitely tell you that with everything that has happened and knowing that you're no longer her first choice, you will find someone that will be loyal and dedicated to you, making you their first choice if you chose to climb that mountain of recovery. If you chose not to, you'll be right where you are this time next year. You can do this, just chose to move on, cut her out and don't let her see you hurt.

 

We are all cheering for you here and are here to encourage you.

[stillafool]

I can't post here anymore. I can't go on knowing I'll never be happy again.

 

Thanks for trying, everyone. Good luck x

 

How did you fair at the wedding? Was everything okay for you?

[Earlybird2016]

How did you fair at the wedding? Was everything okay for you?

 

She didn't show. Just liked a bunch of non-wedding pics a week later (one of them was from May 2016 so she's obviously gone a way back through my photos).

[Blanco]

Why in blazes can she still access your photos?

[Earlybird2016]

Why in blazes can she still access your photos?

 

It was on Twitter. I need it public to retweet a few charity events I'm involved in, and up until recently she didn't have an account.

[Blanco]

Oh OK, so I assume you've since blocked her. Smart move.

[Earlybird2016]

Oh OK, so I assume you've since blocked her. Smart move.

 

Yes, but obviously she can still see my profile whenever she likes without logging in, so it's kind of pointless.

[Blanco]

Yeah, but she isn't able to "like" any of your stuff, and that's what matters.

[Gillys]

She didn't show. Just liked a bunch of non-wedding pics a week later (one of them was from May 2016 so she's obviously gone a way back through my photos).

 

So it worked out with her not showing up!

I'm new here but as someone with a lot of mutual friends as an ex too, I assume you may have to run into her again at a future event. The approach I've used last time I was stuck at friends engagement party was to just mingle with as many of your friends as possible to avoid long conversations with an ex. Also recruit a few friends at the event to "save" you if they see her or the new partner trying to talk to you...as far as looking improved, well just laugh and have a good time with your other friends (talk to the bar tender if you have to) and act like she doesn't exists unless she speaks to you first. Make it seem like you're way to busy having a blast to worry about her life or the past you both shared. If it becomes too awkward just "ghost"; I find at wedding receptions, large parties, etc. it's pretty easy to just walk out without anyone noticing.

[Earlybird2016]

So it worked out with her not showing up!

I'm new here but as someone with a lot of mutual friends as an ex too, I assume you may have to run into her again at a future event. The approach I've used last time I was stuck at friends engagement party was to just mingle with as many of your friends as possible to avoid long conversations with an ex. Also recruit a few friends at the event to "save" you if they see her or the new partner trying to talk to you...as far as looking improved, well just laugh and have a good time with your other friends (talk to the bar tender if you have to) and act like she doesn't exists unless she speaks to you first. Make it seem like you're way to busy having a blast to worry about her life or the past you both shared. If it becomes too awkward just "ghost"; I find at wedding receptions, large parties, etc. it's pretty easy to just walk out without anyone noticing.

 

Thank you so much for the advice. I won't be seeing her ever again tho. Reconnecting/making a good impression at the wedding was my last hope.

[stillafool]

Thank you so much for the advice. I won't be seeing her ever again tho. Reconnecting/making a good impression at the wedding was my last hope.

 

But I thought she has a bf already and he was coming to the wedding with her.

[Earlybird2016]

But I thought she has a bf already and he was coming to the wedding with her.

 

That's right. She's engaged. I hoped that meeting again might potentially rekindle things if there were any residual feelings on her part. But she never showed, just liked some random pics of mine from months ago and sent me a random text about an event happening next month that I might be interested in.

 

Don't get me wrong, ultimately it was the best thing for me that she didn't turn up (even if I DID continually have to reject the advances of other women at the event, which I'm sick of doing tbh - I just wish they'd leave me alone) but still ... there was that glimmer of hope for me, I'm afraid. A very human response, I feel, given the circumstances.

 

But ... whatever. She didn't show, and all hope of progress or future happiness is gone. It is what it is.

Edited April 9, 2017 by Earlybird2016

[stillafool]

As always tho, your advice is sound, and "sucking it up" is the only option. I AM putting my friends' wedding first - I'm finally at the stage where I've no particular wish to interact with my ex at all, so really I'm only attending for the happy sight of celebrating my pals getting hitched.

 

So you really didn't mean the above and that is why you didn't want to take someone with you to the wedding.