She contacted me again after months

[Blanco]

That shouldn't come as a shock. The root of this whole saga is that the OP has never truly let go and fully gotten on with his life, despite claiming otherwise.

[Earlybird2016]

So you really didn't mean the above and that is why you didn't want to take someone with you to the wedding.

 

Not at all. I was actually relieved not to see her, or be put in the awkward social situation of interacting with her. To clarify, there truly WASN'T anyone I could take with me to the wedding, no one at all.

 

But there's a duality to emotion. I'd speculate that the majority of dumpees here would at the very least be INTRIGUED by the possibility of starting again with an ex (unless the previous relationship was abusive, or unloving, or flawed in some fundamental way that ours wasn't) so yes, of course there was a glimmer of hope.

 

I think it's understandable that given my limited options of moving forward (I've exhausted EVERY workable avenue for recovery - self improvement, disposing of mementos, therapy, all of it), I was bound to have a tiny flickering of hope that I might have some sort of positive future ahead of me.

 

But no. I WAS glad she didn't show, but yes, the last bit of hope died with her absence, and after the fact proved that all the self improvement etc in the world is pointless without some worthwhile end result.

[Earlybird2016]

That shouldn't come as a shock. The root of this whole saga is that the OP has never truly let go and fully gotten on with his life, despite claiming otherwise.

 

I would respectfully disagree. You're right to a large degree, but not in recent months, where I've followed your advice of isolating myself from her. Now I'd be more than willing to get on with my life, but unfortunately there are critical elements of it that I can't fix anymore.

[keiji]

But no. I WAS glad she didn't show, but yes, the last bit of hope died with her absence, and after the fact proved that all the self improvement etc in the world is pointless without some worthwhile end result.

 

Losing hope is exactly what you need to move on, whether you believe it now or not.

[Earlybird2016]

Losing hope is exactly what you need to move on, whether you believe it now or not.

 

No, I realise that makes sense. It's unhealthy holding onto hope that things will work out. I did that for a long time. It's just hard to adjust to the idea that I'll spend the rest of my life without any emotional or physical intimacy.

 

A pain in the butt on here I may be, but I still feel sad that any love I have to give is just going to go waste because I can't have the person I want and down believe a downgrade is fair to anyone.

 

So yeah, the loss of hope is the healthier but ultimately more heartbreaking end result of all this. Without hope there's nothing.

[keiji]

It's just hard to adjust to the idea that I'll spend the rest of my life without any emotional or physical intimacy.

 

Why? There are 7 billion people on this planet, more than half of them females. I don't understand this negativity of yours.

[Earlybird2016]

Why? There are 7 billion people on this planet, more than half of them females. I don't understand this negativity of yours.

 

So ... around three and a half billion females, and only one of them is my type? I don't like those odds ?

 

Yes, I'm being frivolous there, but there's a grain of truth in it. In terms of an emotional connection, my ex set a standard that's impossible to follow. She has long since tumbled from her pedestal, btw. I'm MORE than conscious of her flaws, but I'm equally conscious of the qualities she has that outweigh them.

 

It's not some nonsense about soulmates, or the one, or even negativity. It's a realistic assessment of my circumstances after 15 months reflection. If I was here talking about how I'll never be an astronaut or an opera singer because it's not a feasible ambition, people would accept my realistic outlook. This is the same principle.

 

Yes, I could be with someone different. Different is easy. Better, not so much. People ideally replace old with new and improved. A better phone, better job, bigger house etc. These are only material things, but you take my point. Life shouldn't be about downgrading.

 

If my ex took me back, the wonderfully supportive folks on here would be like, "Oh man, why would you be with someone that clearly doesn't care about you?", and they'd be quite right.

 

I don't want to be the guy that sends someone here because I never cared, because I didn't really want them, because I just used them to move on. I won't be that guy.

[Earlybird2016]

Okay, following a conversation with a co-worker today, I'm asking for some theoritical views on a dumpee changing their phone number after a break up. Say the dumper has made sporadic but meaningless contact, the dumpee doesn't wish to make the statement of blocking (worthless in the sense that the dumper has other avenues to make contact if they so wish).

 

However, the dumpee would be more inclined to talk if the conversation was to go beyond breadcrumbs. Have any Loveshackers had experience of worrying that a changed number might hinder future (more meaningful) contact? Or would a dumper be determined to contact via e-mail etc?

[Blanco]

In your case, I would just change it. She's not coming back.

[Earlybird2016]

In your case, I would just change it. She's not coming back.

 

Lol thanks, but as I say it's a theoretical question. The situation I'm thinking of is different to mine.

[rester]

Yes, I believe changing a phone number would hinder future communication. It would depend on the "dumper" if they attempt to make communication over email.

 

I don't see any advantage to changing a number instead of blocking someone, do you? That doesn't make any sense so I'm curious where this thought came from.

 

I haven't read your previous threads so I'm probably missing the context.

[Altair0770]

Do you need to change your phone number for any reason to just escape your ex? Or are you just hoping they text you, and the new person with your old number says "wrong number" that they'll try to contact you by a different way?

 

If you're changing your number to try to get a reaction out of them, that is called "indirect contact", and is failing the NC rule to heal. Purpose is to move on, not to try to manipulate the other person.

 

Besides, if any manipulation works, it'd be short lived.

[SevenCity]

I wouldn't change my number unless I was being stalked and likely would just block anyway.

 

I had the number before many exes and continue to have it after.

 

Unless it's an extreme case of the person going nuts and calling you from other numbers, I would never give a dumper the satisfaction or go through the hassle.

[Earlybird2016]

Yes, I believe changing a phone number would hinder future communication. It would depend on the "dumper" if they attempt to make communication over email.

 

I don't see any advantage to changing a number instead of blocking someone, do you? That doesn't make any sense so I'm curious where this thought came from.

 

I haven't read your previous threads so I'm probably missing the context.

 

Thanks for replying. No worries about the previous threads, this isn't about my breakup. The thought stems from a debate whether or not changing is preferable over blocking, as changing could be for any number of reasons (from the dumpers' perspective), whereas blocking is a clear message to the dumper that contact isn't welcome.

 

And so, if more meaningful contact IS a possibility in the future, is it better to "fudge" the issue of contact rather than send the "wrong" vibe of discouraging ALL dialogue.

[Earlybird2016]

Do you need to change your phone number for any reason to just escape your ex? Or are you just hoping they text you, and the new person with your old number says "wrong number" that they'll try to contact you by a different way?

 

If you're changing your number to try to get a reaction out of them, that is called "indirect contact", and is failing the NC rule to heal. Purpose is to move on, not to try to manipulate the other person.

 

Besides, if any manipulation works, it'd be short lived.

 

No, the purpose wouldn't be manipulation, but rather avoiding the "going round in circles" meaningless convos while allowing for the possibility of something more relevant IF the dumper chooses to "make the effort".

[Blanco]

Unless you're being harassed, changing a number to avoid an ex only happens when the person is too weak/scared to be honest and just say that they can't talk or be friends with that person.

[Altair0770]

No, the purpose wouldn't be manipulation, but rather avoiding the "going round in circles" meaningless convos while allowing for the possibility of something more relevant IF the dumper chooses to "make the effort".

 

Has this person even tried to make any contact with you? Sounds like you could be in the bargaining stage. If s/he hasn't made any contact then don't bother worrying about your number, you're thinking of what to do incase something *might* happen, but also might not.

 

If you want to avoid going in circles, don't get caught in that. Only respond to breadcrumbs if they are things you genuinely believe are their attempts at reconciliation. Simple, meaningless texts are what get people caught in a circle.

[Earlybird2016]

Unless you're being harassed, changing a number to avoid an ex only happens when the person is too weak/scared to be honest and just say that they can't talk or be friends with that person.

 

I'd respectfully disagree. I think that blocking the dumper to avoid talking them is arguably the first port of call (which incidentally, was advice of yours that I heeded, so thanks for that).

 

No, in this instance the dumpee wants MORE from the contact, but wants to discourage breadcrumbs.

[rester]

No, the purpose wouldn't be manipulation, but rather avoiding the "going round in circles" meaningless convos while allowing for the possibility of something more relevant IF the dumper chooses to "make the effort".

 

That sounds like manipulation to me.

 

Changing a phone number is not going to cause the dumper to make more of an effort to reconcile. It will likely cause the opposite.

 

The logistical consequences of changing a phone number far outweigh any negative consequences of blocking an ex.

 

I personally don't understand why people need to block either, though, unless there is harrassment involved. Just stop responding to breadcrumbs if you don't want more breadcrumbs. Ignore them. Set some communication boundaries and if the dumper oversteps them, then block.

[Blanco]

No, in this instance the dumpee wants MORE from the contact, but wants to discourage breadcrumbs.

 

So then what is wrong with that person just telling the ex that they want more and they won't/can't settle for anything less?

[Earlybird2016]

Has this person even tried to make any contact with you? Sounds like you could be in the bargaining stage. If s/he hasn't made any contact then don't bother worrying about your number, you're thinking of what to do incase something *might* happen, but also might not.

 

If you want to avoid going in circles, don't get caught in that. Only respond to breadcrumbs if they are things you genuinely believe are their attempts at reconciliation. Simple, meaningless texts are what get people caught in a circle.

 

The situation I'm thinking of isn't mine, but to answer your question I'd have to echo my own breakup for an example. Before blocking, my dumper would contact me every four weeks or so (with more than breadcrumbs, admittedly) so for the sake of discussion let's presume that hypothetical dumper follows the same four week pattern.

 

Wouldn't blocking send a more final message than changing a number and still leaving the door open for communication via email etc (more effort for the dumper but a good test of their resolve)?

[rester]

I'd respectfully disagree. I think that blocking the dumper to avoid talking them is arguably the first port of call (which incidentally, was advice of yours that I heeded, so thanks for that).

 

No, in this instance the dumpee wants MORE from the contact, but wants to discourage breadcrumbs.

 

The dumpee needs to discourage breadcrumbs through direct communication, not by changing the number. It's going to be very transparent to the dumper why the number was changed. The message is the same whether the dumpee blocks the number or changes their number. If the dumpee had a legitimate reason for changing the number, they could easily forward the new one to the dumper in order to remain in contact. By not doing that, the message to the dumper is, "I no longer want to be in contact with you."

[Earlybird2016]

So then what is wrong with that person just telling the ex that they want more and they won't/can't settle for anything less?

 

That's what I think. My co-worker thinks that's, to use her words, "pulling the trigger" on future dialogue, an ultimatum to a dumper that might well backfire, UNLESS the dumper proves themselves by working harder than meaningless texts. She's taking the view (perpetuated on forums like this) that if the dumper wants back, NOTHING will stop them.

[Earlybird2016]

I just feel sick today, sick and sad and angry that my ex will have a "normal" good life, a marriage, a family etc, while all I'll have nothing worth living for, just day after day of agony and loneliness. I want her to be happy, but I'm just heartbroken that happiness will never be an option for me.

[d0nnivain]

Of course happiness can be yours. You have to chose to be happy (which admittedly is easier said than done) and then work to bring happiness into your life.

 

 

What is bringing you down & how can you change it? It is all about you & your choices. It has nothing to do with your EX.