She contacted me again after months

[Chilli]

Sorry your in the dumps but l dunno how it works but yeah , it does always seem that one ex or the other lands on their feet and the other their ass.

Can't for the life of me work out why this seems to be the way.

And often the one that did the wrong or the dumping or the screwing around seems to somehow be the one that lands on their feet.

 

l thought in my case we might be the exception and that maybe all things happened through my whole life for to lead me to this last 12 mths and gf.

But since that doesn't look like working out l to are back to feeling it. While ex w seems to be living it up.

 

But D is right though , you can't right your self off like that , it's just not healthy, you have to remember and hope that somehow this is all going to lead to new and better things.

[Earlybird2016]

Of course happiness can be yours. You have to chose to be happy (which admittedly is easier said than done) and then work to bring happiness into your life.

 

 

What is bringing you down & how can you change it? It is all about you & your choices. It has nothing to do with your EX.

 

Thanks for replying. I guess what's bringing me down is that she's happy and settled (engaged to the guy she left me for after a ten year friendship/four year relationship) and so obviously the only thing I've been able to do is accept that we'll never be together, and the realistic scenario that grows out of that is that I'll never have a marriage or children or whatever. It's been around 18 months since the breakup, 18 months of self-improvement, therapy, all of that, but of course any success in life is diminished if there's one irreplaceable element (my ex) missing, and missing for good.

 

I won't date again (even tho "new and improved" me gets a lot of offers), because I don't feel it's right to be with someone I will utterly despise because they're not my ex.

[d0nnivain]

I won't date again (even tho "new and improved" me gets a lot of offers), because I don't feel it's right to be with someone I will utterly despise because they're not my ex.

 

 

That is fair & very insightful of you. You know you are still on your healing journey & right now any new person will only be a rebound. That's OK. take your time. Eventually you will feel better & whole again. Then you will be open to letting a new love into your life.

 

 

For now try this exercise my therapist is having me due. I have to write down 3 things I'm grateful for every morning when I wake up & 3 more things when I go to bed. Some days it's hard. I'm like this sucked. Nothing is working. But I try . . . even if it's little. Yesterday one of my things was the warm cornbread with butter we had for dinner. It was a nice comfort food. Doing that made me feel a bit more peaceful & less upset as I fell asleep. Try it.

 

 

No it won't get you a new relationship but it will be healing. You'd put aloe on a sunburn or ice on a ache wouldn't you?

[Earlybird2016]

That is fair & very insightful of you. You know you are still on your healing journey & right now any new person will only be a rebound. That's OK. take your time. Eventually you will feel better & whole again. Then you will be open to letting a new love into your life.

 

 

For now try this exercise my therapist is having me due. I have to write down 3 things I'm grateful for every morning when I wake up & 3 more things when I go to bed. Some days it's hard. I'm like this sucked. Nothing is working. But I try . . . even if it's little. Yesterday one of my things was the warm cornbread with butter we had for dinner. It was a nice comfort food. Doing that made me feel a bit more peaceful & less upset as I fell asleep. Try it.

 

 

No it won't get you a new relationship but it will be healing. You'd put aloe on a sunburn or ice on a ache wouldn't you?

 

I've been in therapy for about 16 months, and the gratitude exercise was one of the first things the therapist suggested. I've done it ever since and I dunno, I must have listed a thousand things, but so what? None of them are worth anything without her. What's the point in being healthy if it just means living longer without her? What's the point in having a house or a job when I can't hear her voice?

 

I take your point about finding someone else, but there's no point because HER

qualities and flaws will be different to my exes. I take your point about healing, but I question the value in feeling better if (in real world terms rather than emotional) there's NOTHING worth living for? Yes, I might feel better, but none of that will bring her back or change the properties of anything in life. Everything will STILL be devoid of her.

[Gillys]

OP, you lost someone that was in your life for a decade, that's a long freaking time! I can't imagine "getting over" someone in a year or 2 that played that big of a role in my life. I'm sure you've made some improvement since the breakup. Sure, something still feels missing and that feeling may last a while. But you may find other things down the road that make you feel closer to complete in a sense. It may be another partner, deeper friendship, devotion to a new hobby or work, etc. I think it's okay to still be hurting but take time to recognize the little improvments you've made in the past year and try your best not to compare your healing to your ex's healing.

[Earlybird2016]

OP, you lost someone that was in your life for a decade, that's a long freaking time! I can't imagine "getting over" someone in a year or 2 that played that big of a role in my life. I'm sure you've made some improvement since the breakup. Sure, something still feels missing and that feeling may last a while. But you may find other things down the road that make you feel closer to complete in a sense. It may be another partner, deeper friendship, devotion to a new hobby or work, etc. I think it's okay to still be hurting but take time to recognize the little improvments you've made in the past year and try your best not to compare your healing to your ex's healing.

 

Thank you. To be honest, my feelings about the breakup are so intense that I don't have much objectivity as to where I "should" be in any healing process. I guess measuring the time since the breakup against the time in each other's lives will have some bearing on my progress.

 

And her healing? I know this isn't helpful to me, but sometimes I struggle to honestly BELIEVE she's healed. She basically met her now-fiancé about two months before she effectively ghosted me. They were living together after 5 months, engaged after about 12. She started contacting me again five months after breakup (I haven't initiated contact since about 6 weeks after we ended), just random "saw this and thought of you" type messages. Her last two messages (about two months ago) were to let me know she'd gotten engaged (she "didn't want me to hear it from anyone else") and then one more to tell me about a band I like coming to town.

 

So yeah ... not helpful, but that's what I see when I "compare healing".

[Gillys]

Thank you. To be honest, my feelings about the breakup are so intense that I don't have much objectivity as to where I "should" be in any healing process. I guess measuring the time since the breakup against the time in each other's lives will have some bearing on my progress.

 

And her healing? I know this isn't helpful to me, but sometimes I struggle to honestly BELIEVE she's healed. She basically met her now-fiancé about two months before she effectively ghosted me. They were living together after 5 months, engaged after about 12. She started contacting me again five months after breakup (I haven't initiated contact since about 6 weeks after we ended), just random "saw this and thought of you" type messages. Her last two messages (about two months ago) were to let me know she'd gotten engaged (she "didn't want me to hear it from anyone else") and then one more to tell me about a band I like coming to town.

 

So yeah ... not helpful, but that's what I see when I "compare healing".

 

 

 

I see where you're coming from... Perhaps a poor choice of words on my part with not making comparisons... but yes, I doubt she is completely "healed" either unless she is just a heartless evil person. (Which obviously isn't true if you would still take her back given the chance). I doubt anyone can walk away from 10 years of companionship and not feel anything towards their ex. There is no way for you or even her fiancé to know how truly happy she is in her given situation. Only she knows her real feelings. And yeah IMO your ex moved things incredibly fast with the next guy. I understand why you're feeling that way, wish I could offer more helpful advice ?

[Blanco]

Perception versus reality. Maybe she met a great fit. The more likely scenario is that she met a good enough fit to get what she wants: Marriage.

[Earlybird2016]

Perception versus reality. Maybe she met a great fit. The more likely scenario is that she met a good enough fit to get what she wants: Marriage.

 

True enough. I think the latter makes a lot of sense.

[Heatemyheart89]

Hey !

It's been 18 months . You were with her a long time . The way you are speaking is kind of like me . I so feel your pain . But I can almost guarantee your feelings will diminish for your ex and you will move on. It feels outrageous now but you will .

 

I should tell my self this as I can't forget my ex but ultimately , there is more in life than this woman . Hell, there is definitely a better person out there for you .

I think you need more time. Life has a funny way of taking over and things change (for the better).

[spiderowl]

I think you are still grieving and need more time. You also need to consider that it is possible to love someone else as much as you loved her. It is possible. Why? Because at first we get to know someone and then, if we really like them, we bond with them. It is only when that bond is in place that we really start to feel true closeness and intimacy. Everyone else will seem remote and uninteresting at the moment, partly because you are still getting over the loss and partly because you have not developed a new bond.

 

You are right to wait until you are ready for something new. I do think that considering it feasible is a step forward. As long as you are convinced it is not possible, you will be stuck. It is like you are wearing a suit of armour. Once chinks start to appear in the armour, you will become more open to other possibilities. It is a process.

[Earlybird2016]

The question is in the title, really.

 

Time and time again, I've read the phrase "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". Even my therapist said it.

 

But ... if the "problem" is the rest of your life, that's not temporary.

 

It's been 19 months. NC for 3 (all previous contact initiated by her). I've no reason to believe she'll come back. No hope now for marriage or a family.

 

No hope for anything, if I'm honest. In 19 months I've improved my life in leaps and bounds, but if it's all empty and worthless without her what's the point?

 

I don't want to go on.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

To be honest, this problem is way beyond the capabilities of an online forum. You need to tell someone who can actually help you, in real life.

 

It sounds like you have spoken to a therapist about suicide, but does your therapist know how hopeless and desperate you are feeling?

 

I ask this because you have made a habit of hiding your true feelings of grief from those around you. Instead you pretend everything is fine, despite being confronted by daily reminders at work that cause you pain. I imagine all this repression of your emotions is only adding to to your feelings of hopelessness.

 

Instead you chose to open up anonymously on a forum, where you repeat the same mantras over and over again.. "I will never want to be with anyone else" etc, which is absolutely your choice. There are plenty of people who live extremely fulfilling lives despite being single. But it doesn't sound like you want that either. It almost sounds like you want to suffer and not move on with your life.

 

If you can be honest with your therapist about how bad things really are, they should be able to provide you with more effective treatment and support.

 

Don't give up.

[d0nnivain]

You have a future, it just doesn't include your EX. You have only been NC for 3 months. Once you accept that your relationship is over freeing you to build a different but equally fulfilling life you will be on your way to happiness.

 

 

Stay in therapy. Tell your therapist what you wrote. Work with the therapist to overcome this. Think about how horrible your friends & family will feel if you are not here anymore. Do you really want to put your parents through that pain over a failed relationship?

 

 

You can do this. The sun will rise tomorrow. The earth will still rotate. Every day you continue is one step closer to healing even though you can't see & feel it yet

[Earlybird2016]

You have a future, it just doesn't include your EX. You have only been NC for 3 months. Once you accept that your relationship is over freeing you to build a different but equally fulfilling life you will be on your way to happiness.

 

 

Stay in therapy. Tell your therapist what you wrote. Work with the therapist to overcome this. Think about how horrible your friends & family will feel if you are not here anymore. Do you really want to put your parents through that pain over a failed relationship?

 

 

You can do this. The sun will rise tomorrow. The earth will still rotate. Every day you continue is one step closer to healing even though you can't see & feel it yet

 

Thank you to both you and Scarlett for your replies.

 

I AM staying in therapy, just as I'm staying on the antidepressants for the foreseeable future (I'm not actually clinically depressed, according to a number of trained colleagues and my own clinical background, but there ARE risks arising from ceasing the meds) and I HAVE been honest with my therapist.

 

She's wonderful, but all she can really offer from an outside perspective is reassurances about how life goes on, how possibilities exist for future relationships or whatever. As she pointed out, there are about three million women on the planet, but out of three billion only one of them is someone I want and SHE'S marrying the guy she left me for ?

 

D0nnivain: I don't actually have anyone that would mourn the loss if I ended things, but I'm kind of stuck because I would hate to hurt my ex by having her believe that her breaking us up drove me to such measures. I don't want that for her.

 

I accepted many months ago that we were over, even during her initated contact and even when she messaged me to tell me she was engaged (she "didn't want me to hear it from anyone else", apparently). Even if she came back it wouldn't work, I don't even have THAT hope.

 

After a break up, everyone says "Do what's best for you." I don't think living in emotional agony for the rest of my days is best for me at all.

[Bluebelle38]

What is it specifically that is causing you to feel suicidal? Is it knowing that there is no future with her? If so you are choosing to believe that there is no happy alternate future for you. That is keeping you stuck in this present mindset.

[d0nnivain]

Emotional agony is not what is best for you but it's also not what your future holds. You have to think about the little things that do make you happy.

 

 

Are you an orphan? If not somebody will mourn your untimely death.

 

 

My EX killed himself In the depths of his misery he often said that nobody loved him & nobody would care if he died. We had been broken up for about 2 years when he took his own life. He was living with another woman several states away when it happened. As I understand it, he'd been off his meds, they'd had a fight & he got drunk. His son, his siblings, his parents & I have never fully recovered from his decision. I still pray that his action silenced his demons & that he's at peace but my Catholic faith teaches that a person who kills themselves goes to hell so it's all kind of messed up. Anyway, his wake & funeral were packed. Instead of viewing from 2 to 4 & 7 to 9, the "standard" hours, they had to keep the funeral parlor open from 1 to 4, then 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. It was standing room only; the whole community was devastated. I was in a daze but part of me was so angry at my EX. He had constantly said that nobody cared, yet the turn out rivaled a funeral for a celebrity. The Mass the next morning was said by 7 priests, not just 1, and they all cried. I had known those priests my whole life & they usually did their jobs with no emotion but they were openly weeping at the death of their friend, my EX. I had seen these priests say Mass for victims of 9/11 but they were breaking down as they recited the ritual here. My EX was beloved but he was the only one who didn't know that. His depression had so isolated him.

 

 

I promise you, somebody will be devastated if you take your own life. Please, please, keep on fighting. I KNOW how dark & empty that black hole can feel but you can climb out & when you feel the sun again on your face, it's amazing. It is so worth fighting through the pain

[Heatemyheart89]

Hi

Feel your pain. But this pain does not last . I've got obsessive tendencies and have suicidal thoughts at points. I was obsessed with someone for 5years and wrote about it on loveshack . Now I am like 'ew' when I think about this person . I can't tell you when things changed, but they did.Unfortunately I am obsessed with another person, but it is getting boring now.

 

I've found the more screwed up the relationship was, the more obsessed I have become, I always want what I can't have . Anyway ... suicide isn't the answer as you do have a future.

 

I told my ex I was suicidal /wanted to kill myself. He told me his friend's ex committed suicide . Thing is the world still turns and he met someone else. Don't give up over this, it's not worth it.

Edited June 9, 2017 by Heatemyheart89

[Earlybird2016]

Emotional agony is not what is best for you but it's also not what your future holds. You have to think about the little things that do make you happy.

 

 

Are you an orphan? If not somebody will mourn your untimely death.

 

 

My EX killed himself In the depths of his misery he often said that nobody loved him & nobody would care if he died. We had been broken up for about 2 years when he took his own life. He was living with another woman several states away when it happened. As I understand it, he'd been off his meds, they'd had a fight & he got drunk. His son, his siblings, his parents & I have never fully recovered from his decision. I still pray that his action silenced his demons & that he's at peace but my Catholic faith teaches that a person who kills themselves goes to hell so it's all kind of messed up. Anyway, his wake & funeral were packed. Instead of viewing from 2 to 4 & 7 to 9, the "standard" hours, they had to keep the funeral parlor open from 1 to 4, then 6 p.m. to 11 p.m. It was standing room only; the whole community was devastated. I was in a daze but part of me was so angry at my EX. He had constantly said that nobody cared, yet the turn out rivaled a funeral for a celebrity. The Mass the next morning was said by 7 priests, not just 1, and they all cried. I had known those priests my whole life & they usually did their jobs with no emotion but they were openly weeping at the death of their friend, my EX. I had seen these priests say Mass for victims of 9/11 but they were breaking down as they recited the ritual here. My EX was beloved but he was the only one who didn't know that. His depression had so isolated him.

 

 

I promise you, somebody will be devastated if you take your own life. Please, please, keep on fighting. I KNOW how dark & empty that black hole can feel but you can climb out & when you feel the sun again on your face, it's amazing. It is so worth fighting through the pain

 

I'm truly sorry to hear about what happened to your ex. Thank you for sharing that.

 

I'm honestly not blind to the consequences of my potential suicide to other people. What I meant by a lack of mourning is that I have no family or close friends to consider.

 

But ... I should live for people who might be upset for a comparitively small portion of their life? I should put myself through day after day of hell just for them? I know I sound selfish, frankly so do they if they want me to live like this, just for THEIR peace of mind.

[Earlybird2016]

What is it specifically that is causing you to feel suicidal? Is it knowing that there is no future with her? If so you are choosing to believe that there is no happy alternate future for you. That is keeping you stuck in this present mindset.

 

That's exactly it. There IS no alternative happy future without her.

[Earlybird2016]

I told my ex I was suicidal /wanted to kill myself. He told me his friend's ex committed suicide . Thing is the world still turns and he met someone else. Don't give up over this, it's not worth it.

 

This is interesting. A fear of hurting my ex with my death has been the foundation of not ending things ... but this implies that she'll be fine.

[BC1980]

It's been 19 months. NC for 3 (all previous contact initiated by her). I've no reason to believe she'll come back. No hope now for marriage or a family.

 

You're in NC!!! That's great! I contributed to your first thread on here, so it's great to see the progress you've made in doing NC. I will tell you that when you start NC, it gets worse before it gets better. I remember feeling like crud after 3 months of NC. I think it's because you are realizing that this is reality, and there are no more denial games to play by leaving the door open. It's a difficult realization. Your feelings can change though. My feelings are a complete 180 from the way I felt 4 years ago. I don't know if your brain rewires itself or what, but it can happen. I can't even imagine being in a relationship with my ex at this point. That would be so weird honestly, and I just don't have those romantic feelings for him anymore.

 

And I never thought I would get over this guy. I had serious doubts it would happen. What pulled me through is talking to other people who had been in the same situation and moved on or coming to LS and reading threads where people had moved on. So I knew that if they had done it, it was possible. And that gave me just enough hope to keep going when it seemed impossible to do so.

[BC1980]

That's exactly it. There IS no alternative happy future without her.

 

Happy or not, your future is without her, so you might as well try to make the most of it. I know you can't change how you feel at the snap of your fingers, but you can over time. It's also bad to wallow in how you feel. It becomes indulgent and counterproductive at some point. Why don't you give yourself 30 minutes-1 hour to "be sad" each day by which I mean journaling, crying, or thinking about the relationship. After that, you need to move on to something to get your mind off of her. Can you pick up a hobby? I recommend some kind of fitness goal like training to run a 5K or a difficult hike. Exercise releases all kinds of endorphins that give you a nice high.

[Earlybird2016]

Happy or not, your future is without her, so you might as well try to make the most of it. I know you can't change how you feel at the snap of your fingers, but you can over time. It's also bad to wallow in how you feel. It becomes indulgent and counterproductive at some point. Why don't you give yourself 30 minutes-1 hour to "be sad" each day by which I mean journaling, crying, or thinking about the relationship. After that, you need to move on to something to get your mind off of her. Can you pick up a hobby? I recommend some kind of fitness goal like training to run a 5K or a difficult hike. Exercise releases all kinds of endorphins that give you a nice high.

 

Hey, I hope you're doing well ?

 

I guess I'm not in NC by choice, as such. I never initiated but she's pretty much stopped getting in touch. I guess I have accepted my future is without her, but still ... I don't think that's worth very much, to be honest.

 

You're right about exercise. I've been working out and running for about 12 months or so, run a couple of sponsored events for a few local charities etc. I'm pretty much in the best shape of my life, physically, but it feels weird and kinda pointless if no woman is ever gonna see me in the buff ? (Sounds shallow, but you know what I mean).

 

As I've said, everything has gone really well in the last year in terms of health and work etc, but still ... she's not here so it hasn't really helped.

[BC1980]

Hey, I hope you're doing well ?

 

I guess I'm not in NC by choice, as such. I never initiated but she's pretty much stopped getting in touch. I guess I have accepted my future is without her, but still ... I don't think that's worth very much, to be honest.

 

You're right about exercise. I've been working out and running for about 12 months or so, run a couple of sponsored events for a few local charities etc. I'm pretty much in the best shape of my life, physically, but it feels weird and kinda pointless if no woman is ever gonna see me in the buff ? (Sounds shallow, but you know what I mean).

 

As I've said, everything has gone really well in the last year in terms of health and work etc, but still ... she's not here so it hasn't really helped.

 

I think it would help if you took a more active role in initiating NC. I know that made a world of difference for me because I owned what I was doing, and it made me feel like I had some power back. Be proactive instead of reactive. And I do think you can rewire your brain to stop loving someone. I think you have to completely banish that person from your life though. Some people may not need such drastic measures, but a lot of people do. I felt like I was one of those people. I don't know. I've never been as messed up about a breakup as my last ex. It honestly scared me, but I made it through. And I'm really happy with my life right now.