Husband is away on business, and I am lonely.

[RomanticBride]

I have to say that I agree with this. Whomever is not working outside the home needs to work within it. RB, you should be doing all of the housework and cooking because your husband is financially supporting you. I would tell him the same thing if the roles were reversed.

 

My husband is only responsible for yard work and waste management in our household. I do everything else because it's only fair.

 

You cannot expect to just take and not give in a marriage.

 

 

You're quite right. And I'd be happy to do it if he'd let me. Today, for instance, I awoke to the sound of the dishwasher running. I said, "Oh, you did the dishes? I was going to do that this morning." He shrugged. I then said, "Hey... do you think there's something more I could be doing around the house to help? I'd like to help, you know." He said, "I know. I can't really think of anything. But thank you for your offer." He came over and hugged me, and thanked me for having a talk with him last night, and for agreeing to sex.

 

As to whether he knows I'm unhappy... "Unhappy" isn't the word at all. "Disillusioned" is more the proper choice of phrasing. And yes, he does. We spent pretty much all day discussing my desires and his, and my expectations and his, and fan fiction and reality. We talked about it and I said I don't blame him even slightly for this disillusionment. I blame adulthood, and the world into which I was born. The whole day was genuinely emotionally exhausting and I was glad for it. It has to hurt if it's to heal, though I fleetingly wished he has facilitated some of the healing himself. I offered the same aftercare to him; I asked him if I could tuck him in or make him tea or something, but he declined I thanked him wholeheartedly for his commitment and his love and his effort. And in between moments of raw honesty, I watched him play GTA V and we laughed at the parodies and references therein.

 

I believe firmly in honesty and transparency, even and perhaps especially when that honesty doesn't match up to my dream of a perfect hurt/comfort dynamic. It is only through honest but tender communication, openly and often, that we can learn what the other wants and teach ourselves to respond to it. Actually, I bring up most of the things you have on this forum, taking your cues on what to say to him and how to go about offering to fix it. Mostly, he seems to think that while there's always room for improvement and effort, nothing is drastically wrong and perhaps it's more my depression and less the relationship. I agreed.

Edited September 5, 2016 by RomanticBride

[wmacbride]

Op,

I don't want to be a downer to you, but reading your posts is like reading those written by a young girl, not an adult.

 

I get wanting to escape form reality into a romantic novel of sorts, and of course, we all like to daydream. the problem becomes when you expect your reality to be like a daydream. It sets up false expectations for a reality that simply can not be.

 

 

I don't know your husband nor you, but based on what you write, you both have a lot of growing up to do. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, in fact, it can be a good thing. It will give you the ability to stand on your own and be a true partners to each other, and not the parent/child dynamic you have going on. The counseling and therapy you are receiving are good starting points, but you need to step out of your comfort zone for them to be truly effective.

 

Being able to stand on your own doesn't minimize the importance of your marriage. It can actually deepen it. You will be staying togtehr because you want to and not because you need to or are dependent on one another in an unhealthy way.

 

As it stand right now ( and please don't take offense) you got involved with this man when you were very young, got married very young and have never really had the chance to find out who "you" are as an individual adult. You sound like you are stuck at 14 or 15. don;t worry "Patricia Pan", it's not too late to grow up.

 

You can remain in a loving marriage while still finding out about "you". Try joining a club or group ( i would suggest a fiction writing group), volunteering or some other activity where you can meet people and make new friends. You'll feel recharged and have a many new things to talk about with your husband.

[RomanticBride]

Op,

I don't know your husband nor you, but based on what you write, you both have a lot of growing up to do. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, in fact, it can be a good thing.

 

Hmm... well, if, in your opinion, the area my husband needs to improve is not the lack of "intimate healing" as it were, then where do you think he needs to improve? He's, as Mary Poppins would say, "practically perfect in every way" save for the one glaring lack of grand romantic gestures and not being very good at comforting a person.

 

So, okay, he has two flaws. Exactly two. But I presume you weren't talking about either of them...

[wmacbride]

Hmm... well, if, in your opinion, the area my husband needs to improve is not the lack of "intimate healing" as it were, then where do you think he needs to improve? He's, as Mary Poppins would say, "practically perfect in every way" save for the one glaring lack of grand romantic gestures and not being very good at comforting a person.

 

So, okay, he has two flaws. Exactly two. But I presume you weren't talking about either of them...

 

To be blunt, and I know you won't like hearing this, he is treating you like a child, like he is your father.

 

This is not good. In spite of what most disney movies would have you believe, many men don't want a "child bride", they want a partner. He met you and started courting you while you were still a child ( 15 , by your own account) and he was an adult in his 20's, and that's the dynamic you two have created. It's kept you in a child like state, where you are in tears and fund it hard to function when he was away from you.

 

Speaking as a parent who has seen mental illness in one of my children, if I saw her in a state like that over a man, I would be very concerned. It speaks more to dependence than love. My husband is away a lot, and I miss him terribly when he is gone. That doesn't mean I can't sleep, don't want to eat, cry all the time or find it difficult to function. That is not love.

 

I'm not saying you don't love your husband. what I am saying is that for you, love and dependence have become all tangled up. That can put a lot of pressure on him, and it leaves you in a very precarious position.

 

From what you say you are in a somewhat fragile place mentally right now, and again , speaking as the parent of a child who has coped with mental illness, one of the things all of her doctors has told us is that we need to push her to become independent and do things on her own, as this can help her to develop coping skills and self soothing.

 

It very much sounds like that could help you. Challenge yourself to do something for yourself each day. Even if it's as simple as doing the housework you know your husband would do or taking on a household responsibility taht is a bit out fo your comfort zone. You and he, wil both be proud of you.

[BaileyB]

 

This is not good. In spite of what most disney movies would have you believe, many men don't want a "child bride", they want a partner.

 

I'm not saying you don't love your husband. what I am saying is that for you, love and dependence have become all tangled up.

 

But obviously, he does like the dynamic of the relationship because he is enabling it. He is encouraging you to be dependent on him, at least in some ways. I think most married people would say that if their partner did the dishes they would shout "hurrah!" Yet, he told you not to bother, that he would have done it. He's enabling you to be dependent on him.

 

And, please don't be upset by this... He's also enabling you by supporting these fantasies/fan fiction. Romance is nice, but it is not usually everyone's reality. What you want probably sounds a little like "make-believe" to most people.

 

Does your counsellor talk with you about the codependency of the relationship and the struggles you have accepting that married life doesn't meet your romantic expectations?

[BaileyB]

I'm sorry if you think what we are posting is hard to read. You sound like a lovely person and you obviously have an adoring husband.

 

But, I'll tell you a little story, if it helps.

 

When I was about 12 years old, I got really interested in soap operas one summer while on school holidays. I would watch them, record them, and go back and rewatch my favorite romantic scenes. I was very "involved" with the characters and their stories...

 

One night, I have a very clear memory of my mom coming to sit at my bedside to talk with me. She told me that what I was watching, was not reality. She told me to remember that the characters were not real people and the storylines, were not real life.

 

She was right, of course.

 

I'll tell you honestly that I still have this tendency when I get really lost in a good book. It's still one of my favorite things to do when I have a day or two with nothing that I need to do. I get really interested in the characters and the story and it stays with me sometimes after I've finished the book. But then, you get back into your life.

 

I feel like you need someone to tell you that your romantic fantasies and your expectations are not real life. In truth, building a life with someone as two partners - friends and lovers - can be so much better.

Edited September 5, 2016 by BaileyB

[BettyDraper]

To be blunt, and I know you won't like hearing this, he is treating you like a child, like he is your father.

 

This is not good. In spite of what most disney movies would have you believe, many men don't want a "child bride", they want a partner. He met you and started courting you while you were still a child ( 15 , by your own account) and he was an adult in his 20's, and that's the dynamic you two have created. It's kept you in a child like state, where you are in tears and fund it hard to function when he was away from you.

 

Speaking as a parent who has seen mental illness in one of my children, if I saw her in a state like that over a man, I would be very concerned. It speaks more to dependence than love. My husband is away a lot, and I miss him terribly when he is gone. That doesn't mean I can't sleep, don't want to eat, cry all the time or find it difficult to function. That is not love.

 

I'm not saying you don't love your husband. what I am saying is that for you, love and dependence have become all tangled up. That can put a lot of pressure on him, and it leaves you in a very precarious position.

 

From what you say you are in a somewhat fragile place mentally right now, and again , speaking as the parent of a child who has coped with mental illness, one of the things all of her doctors has told us is that we need to push her to become independent and do things on her own, as this can help her to develop coping skills and self soothing.

 

It very much sounds like that could help you. Challenge yourself to do something for yourself each day. Even if it's as simple as doing the housework you know your husband would do or taking on a household responsibility taht is a bit out fo your comfort zone. You and he, wil both be proud of you.

 

This. Relationships with a large age difference often fall into parent/child dynamics, especially if the younger partner has chronic illnesses. I was in a relationship just yours when I was in my early 20s, RB. The difference is my ex was abusive as well as very controlling. He wanted a guileless little girl to mold. I don't think that your husband is overtly abusive but it is worrisome that he wanted to date a 15 year old girl when he was an adult. That makes me think that he desperately needed to feel needed which is the definition of codependence.

 

Today my husband went on his first business trip since we married. I felt sad to see him go but I didn't crumple into a crying mess. The trip is only for two days which will fly by. In the meantime, I plan on exercising, cleaning, reading and enjoying my own company. I just polished off the steak my husband grilled for me last night and I'm looking forward to hearing from my husband later.

 

Coping skills are very important in adults who suffer from mental illness. Infantilizing anyone only hurts them in the end.

[RomanticBride]

But obviously, he does like the dynamic of the relationship because he is enabling it. He is encouraging you to be dependent on him, at least in some ways. I think most married people would say that if their partner did the dishes they would shout "hurrah!" Yet, he told you not to bother, that he would have done it. He's enabling you to be dependent on him.

 

Well, I asked him today if he thinks our relationship is more like a parent and child than like lovers. He looked confused and said no. I said, "So than you don't mind my childishness?" and he said no. Last night he told me he thought I and my quirks were cute in all the right ways, and that if he had to pick, Ariel is his favorite Disney princess because she has the youngest-looking face. Thank God he says he can't see my face lines. Maybe if I keep applying sunscreen and moisturizer, he'll never notice them until I'm 40.

 

And, please don't be upset by this... He's also enabling you by supporting these fantasies/fan fiction. Romance is nice, but it is not usually everyone's reality. What you want probably sounds a little like "make-believe" to most people.

 

Why would I ever be upset by either of those statements? I hope he would rather enable it than halt it. Just now he suggested we watch Cinderella together, which is the movie I read the most fanfics of. I told him, "Sure. But you might not like it. It might make me a bit... emotional." To which he replied, "I don't mind. I know it would make you happy."

 

Does your counsellor talk with you about the codependency of the relationship and the struggles you have accepting that married life doesn't meet your romantic expectations?

 

She does tell me, repeatedly, that my husband is a great guy and that though he isn't perfect, he's very very good and he tries harder for me than most men would. As to codependence, she usually tells me to lean on him as much as possible- to continue to go to school, help around the house as needed, and to make him happy by going out with him. Generally, though, she stresses that I am safer with my husband than without, and I need to feel free to go out and have fun or stay in and learn life skills under his protection.

[BaileyB]

Agreed. I haven't seen my boyfriend since Wednesday because he was busy and unavailable. I've had the best weekend... I've cleaned my house, gone out with a friend, visited with my family, watched a few movies... Just enjoyed my time alone. But, he's on his way over tonight and I can't wait to see him!

 

Continue the work you are doing with your counsellor. Think about what we've said, talk with your counsellor about it. continue to work on developing healthy coping skills. Best wishes to you!

[RomanticBride]

I am working on healthy coping skills and self-soothing, yes. It seems a bit foolish, as I often feel that self-love is false, that I don't deserve anything nice unless someone else gives it to me. But I persist, because bubble baths and tea are exceedingly lovely.

 

When I was 16, I was utterly thrilled to be a "child bride" or rather a "child girlfriend/fiancee". I had something the vast majority of teenagers would never have: someone to love me and take care of me forever. I was so very proud of my coquettishness and the innocent aura I seemed to give off.

 

It's just a tiny bit sad to be 23 and know that my "glory days" of being a "nymphet" (if you've ever read Nabokov's finest) are well behind me. But I still have a dear, lovely man who says I look much better with longer hair and little acne.

[BettyDraper]

Well, I asked him today if he thinks our relationship is more like a parent and child than like lovers. He looked confused and said no. I said, "So than you don't mind my childishness?" and he said no. Last night he told me he thought I and my quirks were cute in all the right ways, and that if he had to pick, Ariel is his favorite Disney princess because she has the youngest-looking face. Thank God he says he can't see my face lines. Maybe if I keep applying sunscreen and moisturizer, he'll never notice them until I'm 40.

 

 

 

Why would I ever be upset by either of those statements? I hope he would rather enable it than halt it. Just now he suggested we watch Cinderella together, which is the movie I read the most fanfics of. I told him, "Sure. But you might not like it. It might make me a bit... emotional." To which he replied, "I don't mind. I know it would make you happy."

 

 

 

She does tell me, repeatedly, that my husband is a great guy and that though he isn't perfect, he's very very good and he tries harder for me than most men would. As to codependence, she usually tells me to lean on him as much as possible- to continue to go to school, help around the house as needed, and to make him happy by going out with him. Generally, though, she stresses that I am safer with my husband than without, and I need to feel free to go out and have fun or stay in and learn life skills under his protection.

 

I think your husband has a fetish for teenagers. Be careful of this.

As for your husband disagreeing that you and he are like a father and daugher, it can be difficult for those in such a relationship to admit that their union has taken an unhealthy turn. Of course, all that matters is you are happy with your marriage.

 

I'm not sure why your therapist would encourage you to learn everything about life purely under your husband's protection. Maybe your therapist is very religious and believes in a husband having ultimate authority over his wife. You are clearly safe with your husband but I don't think it makes sense to believe that you cannot become a functioning adult without him.

 

What I've learned is that when a person has many enablers around her, she becomes increasingly dependent and fragile which is detrimental. Everyone I know who had enabling parents, partners and friends has not done very well in life as independent adults. Why would they when they can just lead on everyone else?

[BaileyB]

I think your husband has a fetish for teenagers. Be careful of this.

As for your husband disagreeing that you and he are like a father and daugher, it can be difficult for those in such a relationship to admit that their union has taken an unhealthy turn. Of course, all that matters is you are happy with your marriage.

 

Agreed! I'm glad you are happy with your marriage.

 

But, it's not normal for a grown man to want to have a relationship/marry a young girl. And, when you consider that your relationship is more platonic than sexual, it's really not normal. Not that it would be a healthy thing if it actually was a more sexual relationship.

 

And, of course he's not going to say that it's a parent/child relationship - because he enables the relationship all the time. He either doesn't see it, or he doesn't want the dynamic to be challenged.

 

I hope your parents are watching out for you - I can't imagine how they could support their 15 year old daughter seeking out a man online and then marrying him. Please, be careful!

Edited September 5, 2016 by BaileyB

[Quiet Storms]

She does tell me, repeatedly, that my husband is a great guy and that though he isn't perfect, he's very very good and he tries harder for me than most men would. As to codependence, she usually tells me to lean on him as much as possible- to continue to go to school, help around the house as needed, and to make him happy by going out with him. Generally, though, she stresses that I am safer with my husband than without, and I need to feel free to go out and have fun or stay in and learn life skills under his protection.

 

I think you need to get a new therapist.

 

She should be helping you become an independent adult, not encouraging you to become even more codependent on your husband.

 

I noticed you said you "help around the house". Who are you helping? It's your home too, correct? You both have responsibilities to keep your home clean. There is no "helping". It's both of you.

 

This visual of you and your husband sitting around watching Cinderella or playing a Disney video game, with you in your princess dress and he dressed up as a prince or a knight or whatever is just disturbing. He is in his 30's and you are 23 years old. I truly am sorry if this offends you, but that is a scene that should not happen after about 7 or 8 years of age. It is beyond "child-like".

 

Speaking of "child-like", I also notice that you seem to be aware that your behavior is such. It seems odd that someone who is of this level of emotional immaturity would actually be able to recognize that it is child-like. And if such a person could recognize it, I would think they could be working towards fixing it.

Edited September 5, 2016 by Quiet Storms

[BettyDraper]

I think you need to get a new therapist.

 

She should be helping you become an independent adult, not encouraging you to become even more codependent on your husband.

 

I noticed you said you "help around the house". Who are you helping? It's your home too, correct? You both have responsibilities to keep your home clean. There is no "helping". It's both of you.

 

This visual of you and your husband sitting around watching Cinderella or playing a Disney video game, with you in your princess dress and he dressed up as a prince or a knight or whatever is just disturbing. He is in his 30's and you are 23 years old. I truly am sorry if this offends you, but that is a scene that should not happen after about 7 or 8 years of age. It is beyond "child-like".

 

Speaking of "child-like", I also notice that you seem to be aware that your behavior is such. It seems odd that someone who is of this level of emotional immaturity would actually be able to recognize that it is child-like. And if such a person could recognize it, I would think they could be working towards fixing it.

 

I don't think RB sees herself as an adult with grown up responsibilities.

This is why she lives in a fantasy world, expects to be babied, sees household duties as "helping" and plays dress up like a little girl. There are adults who enjoy cosplay but that is more like an occasional thing related to fan conventions. It's hardly surprises me that RB is so stunted because of how she was raised and the way her parents allowed her to be groomed by a grown man.

 

When I have terrible nightmares because of my PTSD, I enjoy being held and comforted by my husband when I wake up screaming. I don't think that is weird so I can appreciate why the OP fantasizes about being soothed.

[ChickiePops]

Why do you need to ask your husband what his opinion is about everything in order to form an opinion of your own? Why are you unable to think for yourself?

[RomanticBride]

Why can I not think things through for myself? Because my relationship is most important to me. I don't want to leave him. I love him. And he loves me. And to be frank, if I love him looking after me, and he loves looking after me, where is the problem at all?

 

And yes, I'm acutely aware that I am childish and childlike. How can I possibly not be when so very many people, friends and strangers alike, have done their best to make me aware?

 

We watched Cinderella tonight, and I got a bit teary when Cinderella's father died, and outright bawled when she had her first dance with the prince. I'd said, "I'm sorry, it's just so beautiful." My husband held me a little closer during those moments, but said nothing. I was trying to sort through my very complex emotions during that scene. Introspection is one of my strongest personal skills, so it wasn't too difficult a task.

 

I was crying because I was saddened that *I* am not Cinderella. I'm not kind enough, I'm not courageous enough, I sometimes swear, I can't dance to save my life, and I definitely don't have a prince who is as soothing and sweet as I watch and read about. I was contemplating saying so aloud, when he got to the scene in which the prince was pushing Cinderella on the swing in the secret garden. He said, "See, Cinderella lets Kit push her on the swing. You should let me." Leave it to him to be the one to point out a discrepancy! I grinned at his realization and told him the next time I went out to my parents' house to swing in their garden (one of the most relaxing and soothing activities I know) I would let him push me, if he promised to be very, very gentle.

 

After we finished the movie, he disrobed and so did I, and we began again our intimate exploration. I did not expect that after only one day of practice, we would finally, after five years, consummate our marriage. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I didn't cry out in pain. I didn't get too tired and nor did he. We didn't climax, but neither of us cared. We went farther than we've ever been able to go before. I was so overwhelmed with the thought of it that when he pulled out, I cried.

 

He told me, once we'd finished, that I looked so much less sickly, so full of life, and so beautiful. I told him that I didn't see sex as a marital necessity until this moment, and that I was greatly anticipating the continuation of our newly blooming sex life. And we're doing it again tomorrow. And the day after, and the day after, for at least thirty days. I'm STILL shaking with a happy emotion I cannot quite describe.

[BettyDraper]

Why do you need to ask your husband what his opinion is about everything in order to form an opinion of your own? Why are you unable to think for yourself?

 

I think it's because she has never been encouraged to develop her own opinions and she was "given" to her husband at a very young age.

 

An assessment by a psychiatrist might lead to this conclusion:

Dependent Personality Disorder

 

The problem is that RB doesn't have anyone in her life who will tell her the truth about how unhealthy her marriage is. She is being encouraged to stay a child forever and be "raised" by her husband. I have never heard of parents allowing their teenage daughter to date a man in his 20s but I am not a mother and I don't know what it's like to raise a child with certain challenges.

[RomanticBride]

Actually, as to thinking things through... I can, in fact, think things through for myself; I'm just not following the thoughts through to the conclusion you expect me to come to. I do not think, I'm childish; I should change. I think I'm childish; this seems to pose no threat to me so nothing's wrong. Because my relationship is most important to me. I don't want to leave him. I love him. And he loves me. And to be frank, if I love him looking after me, and he loves looking after me, where is the problem at all?

[CarrieT]

where is the problem at all?

What were to happen - just in case - a terribly accident occurred and you were suddenly widowed?

 

I think I'm childish; this seems to pose no threat to me so nothing's wrong.

But it *is* wrong that an adult woman can not take care of herself and is reliant on others as a child would be.

 

You are being kept emotionally and intellectually stunted by those around you. That *is* a problem.

[RomanticBride]

I asked my mother about this the other week. She said I would probably live with her and dad again- or if they're not living, in the family home with C. and L., who are friends of the family and also live there. I'd probably get a part time job to contribute some to them, help with the chores, etc. It wouldn't be a very good life at all without my sweet darling, but I wouldn't starve.

[wmacbride]

This is getting more and more disturbing.

 

Why did your parents see fit to not only allow you to communicate with a man in his 20's when you were 15, and then allow you to date him and marry him when you were just 18?

 

They don't seem to feel you are functional enough to be on our own, yet they feel okay about this marriage?

 

My daughters are teens, and at least one has issues that make it difficult for her to be on her own. The LAST thing I would so is allow her to marry some guy who came sniffing around, and I sure as hell wouldn't allow him to groom her into a dependent child. If i had found out about it when she was 15, the police would have been called, and after that, they would have been called anyway, but to arrest me because I'd be kicking his rear end up and down the street.

 

the op says she is vulnerable, having mental health issues, is in therapy or counseling, needs "prozac and fizzy water" ( her words) when she is struggling, etc.

 

Her parents knew she was in that state and they allowed her to date and marry this man? This man, who dresses up is costumes an watches disney movies with his much younger wife, and she's worried that her face might be looking older and getting wrinkles in her early 20's? who can't watch a disney movie without bursting into tears?

 

In all honesty, it sounds very much like he is taking advantage of the op's naivety and keeping her dependent on him. I honestly wonder how much he really wants her to heal and how much he would rather her stay in a child like state where she can't function without him. Either that, or the whole thing is a fantasy made up to make a rather mundane life more bearable.

 

either I'm being sucked into a storyline here, or it's a very weird situation, Reading the earlier posts, where the op and her current husband were romantically involved when she was 15 and her parents paid to fly him over for her 16th birthday.:sick::sick::sick: ( I can't use that vomit emoticon enough for that).

[CarrieT]

This is getting more and more disturbing.

Repeated for truth. :eek:

[BettyDraper]

This is getting more and more disturbing.

 

Why did your parents see fit to not only allow you to communicate with a man in his 20's when you were 15, and then allow you to date him and marry him when you were just 18?

 

They don't seem to feel you are functional enough to be on our own, yet they feel okay about this marriage?

 

My daughters are teens, and at least one has issues that make it difficult for her to be on her own. The LAST thing I would so is allow her to marry some guy who came sniffing around, and I sure as hell wouldn't allow him to groom her into a dependent child. If i had found out about it when she was 15, the police would have been called, and after that, they would have been called anyway, but to arrest me because I'd be kicking his rear end up and down the street.

 

the op says she is vulnerable, having mental health issues, is in therapy or counseling, needs "prozac and fizzy water" ( her words) when she is struggling, etc.

 

Her parents knew she was in that state and they allowed her to date and marry this man? This man, who dresses up is costumes an watches disney movies with his much younger wife, and she's worried that her face might be looking older and getting wrinkles in her early 20's? who can't watch a disney movie without bursting into tears?

 

In all honesty, it sounds very much like he is taking advantage of the op's naivety and keeping her dependent on him. I honestly wonder how much he really wants her to heal and how much he would rather her stay in a child like state where she can't function without him. Either that, or the whole thing is a fantasy made up to make a rather mundane life more bearable.

 

either I'm being sucked into a storyline here, or it's a very weird situation, Reading the earlier posts, where the op and her current husband were romantically involved when she was 15 and her parents paid to fly him over for her 16th birthday.:sick::sick::sick: ( I can't use that vomit emoticon enough for that).

 

This. My parents would have been horrified if some man in his 20s was trying to date me as a teenager. They would never encourage such an inappropriate relationship despite the fact that I suffered from severe depression when I was 17.

 

Even when I was a young adult and with the abusive older man whom I mentioned upthread, nobody in my family wanted me with him because they could see how domineering he was. They knew that I was being led by a sinister predator.

 

There are many older men who want young women specifically because they are easier to control. I think RB's marriage epitomizes that situation. The comment about her husband loving Ariel because her face looks so young sends chills up my spine. That's why RB is worrying about wrinkles at age 21; because she knows she is aging out of her husband's fetishized age group.

 

RB, I don't expect you to want to change your marriage since it seems to suit you just fine. I just hope that you heed our warnings and decide to be independent at some point. Based on what you have posted, growth and maturity seems highly unlikely.

[RomanticBride]

The comment about her husband loving Ariel because her face looks so young sends chills up my spine. That's why RB is worrying about wrinkles at age 21; because she knows she is aging out of her husband's fetishized age group.

 

23, actually. I'm 23. But you are spot-on about my fears correlating with my face. People told me and told me and bloody told me over and over that my beloved boyfriend/fiance/husband is a pedophile. I got nervous after I turned 18 and was now legal, but he married me anyway. I got nervous when I was 21 and was now an official adult in ALL the legal ways, but he took me back after an EA anyway. Now I'm worried because I've finally completely outgrown my baby face and I can see the first beginnings of fine lines that most people don't even notice for another 10 years.

 

But I'm not going to leave him preemptively because I'm afraid he'll tire of me; if he doesn't tire of me, that would be completely unfair to him and cruel to us both. I will, like always, just have to wait and see.

[BaileyB]

It is disturbing, without a doubt. My parents would NEVER have allowed a man into my life at that age, particularly if they knew that I was vulnerable. And if I had a daughter, I would have called the police and he would NEVER have been invited into my home. It is beyond disturbing for a man in his twenties to show interest in a very vulnerable, teenage girl.

 

The thought of you sitting in your dress up clothes watching Disney movies together is really disturbing. The fact that your husband wants to do this with you... Like we've said, he seems to have a vested interest in keeping you childlike and dependent on him - as if he has a child/teenage fetish.

 

For your parents, your husband, and your therapist to be encouraging your continued dependence on people - including telling you that you would move home if ever you were widowed... Is really disappointing. If that is the case, I too think you need to find a new counsellor. I have to wonder if this is actually the way your parents and therapist feel, or if you have twisted things to support your point of view. The job of a parent is to give their children the skills they will need to be independent and ultimately survive on their own - because the day will come when your parents will not be here to support you and you may be widowed. The fact that they enable you to stay dependent, is not to your benefit (although it may feel like it).

 

But, you are a grown woman and you seem happy in your marriage. I think it unlikely that things will change for you - you have to want something to change and I think you feel very safe and very happy in your marriage.

Edited September 6, 2016 by BaileyB