Husband is away on business, and I am lonely.

[RomanticBride]

Sorry...it was too late to edit my other post.

 

Another way of managing your insecurities independently is looking at how your husband shows his love. Think of how he provides for you, tenderly assists you with your health challenges and plans getaways. Surely he wouldn't do such things if he wasn't in love, right?

 

True! A man who doesn't care wouldn't help me up and down the stairs to our apartment twice a day.

 

And I love the way he looks at me. He smiles with his eyes and his face puffs up a bit when he grins, making him look like adorable!! I love his face. And when he's sleeping, I swear he looks absolutely cherubic. Like an adorable little angel statue.

[RomanticBride]

How did the EA come about?

 

When I was 21, I'd been married to my husband for 3 years, and I noticed the butterflies I felt in my stomach and the fluttering of my heart for him were no longer constant like they used to be when we were dating. I assumed that I wasn't in love with him anymore, and I was devastated to find out that everyone who ever said my relationship would fail was apparently right. I met this guy on the internet. He admittedly had the face of an evil garden gnome, but he was charming, extremely intelligent, disabled himself, a Pagan like me- and allegedly, he had powers bestowed on him by the Gods- and a very good musician. On my part, the affair only went as far as me whispering "I love you" to him on webcam, but immediately after that it got really creepy really fast. He was in a romantic and sexual relationship with his former foster daughter, who was now 30. And he was married. And she knew about it. And she did nothing. Part of me desperately wanted out of the relationship at that point, but part of me was still intrigued by his status as a Pagan high priest. OM convinced me that that, "I love you" would cause my parents to disown me and my husband to divorce me if they ever found out, and OM said if if I ever left him, he would make sure my parents and husband found out. He told me he was sending his wife to pick me up (yes, he knew where I lived) and if I didn't get in the car with her, and drive with her to his house, he would tell my parents and my husband that I was having an EA and I would immediately be thrown on the streets with nothing. Not to mention we're both pagans, and he said he was a high priest and threatened me with curses. He once said, "Fine go ahead and leave me. But something terrible's going to happen to you within the next six months and you're going to know it was me."

 

Once I knew his wife was on her way to pick me up within a couple of days, I fell into a full-blown panic. I didn't eat, drink, or sleep for 3 days. I didn't say anything to anyone about the OM, as I was told to, but at one point I told my husband that if I could overdose on something and die, I would. I was fairly certain this OM would literally rape me, or worse, but I thought since I had strayed in my marriage I deserved whatever torture was coming. When my mom came to pick me up for class on a Friday, she asked me if I've been doing drugs because I looked strung out. I told her the truth, and she said she wanted to take me to the mental hospital. I readily agreed, and I called OM and told him my parents were "forcing me" to go to hospital, so that when I got out, OM wouldn't think I "ran away" from him and wouldn't come after me. The hospital convinced me to go NC, and while it was a rough couple of months in my marriage after that, my husband completely forgave me and we started to work on things.

 

My EA and the resulting fallout taught me that love naturally waxes and wanes and it's not a sign to immediately end the relationship, but rather to work on it a little harder. Never again in my life in my repeating that terrible mistake. Yes, I was abused, but I am not blameless. I should never have told him that I loved him, giving him leverage to blackmail me. It's the worst mistake I've ever made in my life and I'll never repeat it.

Edited September 2, 2016 by RomanticBride

[RomanticBride]

Apparently I still get panic attacks talking about OM. Wonderful.

[RomanticBride]

I'm quite alright now, although I couldn't think of a single thing I could do for my long-term betterment that I didn't need my husband's or my mother's help for. I researched legal, natural muscle relaxers, since I am allergic to pretty much all prescription ones. Does that count?

 

My husband took me out to get doughnuts, even though Friday is his day to choose what we do. He very often lets me choose even on his days. I asked him why tonight, and told him it wasn't my intention to take advantage of him. He said, "Well, you know one of my love languages is Quality Time, so it doesn't really matter WHAT we do, as long as we do it together."

 

So off we went for doughnuts. We also played a Virtual Disneyland game on the Kinect. He'd been asking me to play with him for days. He loved playing with me and watching me play, I in my Cinderella costume and he in a matching Prince suit. He was doubly thrilled when I excused myself and changed into an actual princess costume. We loved it and we'll probably end up playing tomorrow too.

 

I told him that I was glad he loved and tolerated my childishness. He replied that he thought it was cute. I asked him if he was attracted to 16-to-18-year-olds. He said, "Most men are, aren't they? I mean, depending on how attractive they are in general." I said, "I hope you'll continue to love me even when I'm old and hideous." and he said, "Of course, I'll always love you. Even when you're old. You can never be hideous. Actually, I think you look better than you did when we got married!"

 

Naturally, I melted.

 

When it was time for bed, I wasn't sleepy (Hurrah for insomnia, eh?) and I did something I haven't done in quite a long while- I sang him lullabies. He smiled the entire time. I tucked him in and kissed him but I haven't yet grown tired enough to join him.

[BettyDraper]

True! A man who doesn't care wouldn't help me up and down the stairs to our apartment twice a day.

 

And I love the way he looks at me. He smiles with his eyes and his face puffs up a bit when he grins, making him look like adorable!! I love his face. And when he's sleeping, I swear he looks absolutely cherubic. Like an adorable little angel statue.

 

So write those things down, love. The examples will help you feel less insecure.

[BettyDraper]

I'm quite alright now, although I couldn't think of a single thing I could do for my long-term betterment that I didn't need my husband's or my mother's help for. I researched legal, natural muscle relaxers, since I am allergic to pretty much all prescription ones. Does that count?

 

My husband took me out to get doughnuts, even though Friday is his day to choose what we do. He very often lets me choose even on his days. I asked him why tonight, and told him it wasn't my intention to take advantage of him. He said, "Well, you know one of my love languages is Quality Time, so it doesn't really matter WHAT we do, as long as we do it together."

 

So off we went for doughnuts. We also played a Virtual Disneyland game on the Kinect. He'd been asking me to play with him for days. He loved playing with me and watching me play, I in my Cinderella costume and he in a matching Prince suit. He was doubly thrilled when I excused myself and changed into an actual princess costume. We loved it and we'll probably end up playing tomorrow too.

 

I told him that I was glad he loved and tolerated my childishness. He replied that he thought it was cute. I asked him if he was attracted to 16-to-18-year-olds. He said, "Most men are, aren't they? I mean, depending on how attractive they are in general." I said, "I hope you'll continue to love me even when I'm old and hideous." and he said, "Of course, I'll always love you. Even when you're old. You can never be hideous. Actually, I think you look better than you did when we got married!"

 

Naturally, I melted.

 

When it was time for bed, I wasn't sleepy (Hurrah for insomnia, eh?) and I did something I haven't done in quite a long while- I sang him lullabies. He smiled the entire time. I tucked him in and kissed him but I haven't yet grown tired enough to join him.

 

I think most men are attracted to very young women but few of them act on this because of society's reaction. While I think it was inappropriate and creepy for your husband to date you while you were still so young, at least you and he were under the supervision of your parents.

 

Your husband's compliments were lovely. He's very romantic!

[CarrieT]

I asked him if he was attracted to 16-to-18-year-olds. He said, "Most men are, aren't they? I mean, depending on how attractive they are in general." I

Ummmm..... No.

 

Most men are NOT attracted to 16-to-18 year olds.

 

Many men are, yes, and that has perpetuated a society of sexualizing the youth.

[BettyDraper]

Ummmm..... No.

 

Most men are NOT attracted to 16-to-18 year olds.

 

Many men are, yes, and that has perpetuated a society of sexualizing the youth.

 

Absolutely. It has also perpetuated the idea that a woman loses her attractiveness by age 30 or some other nonsense like that.

[RomanticBride]

For posterity, here's something adorable my Eternal Beloved said today:

 

We were getting supplies for our picnic tomorrow (Which I thought would be tonight, but my Darling said will have to be tomorrow because really sandwiches and crisps are lunch food) and I said to him, "You know, every time we're out together it feels like I'm holding on to a butterfly wing or a dried rose petal, something lovely but very fragile, and I'm afraid it will crumble into nothing."

 

And he replied, "It's not going to. And the more we keep doing this, the stronger our bond will get."

[Aniela]

For posterity, here's something adorable my Eternal Beloved said today:

 

We were getting supplies for our picnic tomorrow (Which I thought would be tonight, but my Darling said will have to be tomorrow because really sandwiches and crisps are lunch food) and I said to him, "You know, every time we're out together it feels like I'm holding on to a butterfly wing or a dried rose petal, something lovely but very fragile, and I'm afraid it will crumble into nothing."

 

And he replied, "It's not going to. And the more we keep doing this, the stronger our bond will get."

 

That sounds nice. On a warm night, a picnic sounds good, though. I've always wanted to have a midnight picnic. Pretty lights strung about on the fence, and in the trees, and good company.

[RomanticBride]

Today is a bad day. Today, I remembered that life is not fanfiction and no matter how much of it I read or how many date ideas I steal from it, life is not fanfiction and maybe it never can be.

 

My husband will never, not ever, carry me into bed and stroke my hair and murmur things like, "I'm here for you. You don't have to be strong anymore. Just rest." as I convulsively sob into his chest about literally everything that has ever happened or ever will happen to me. Nor will such a non-existent moment ever be followed by lighting a hundred candles and gently- ever so gently- making love to each other whilst he kisses away my tears. There is no miracle and no amount of honest communication and loving actions that can make him suddenly desire to become the antidote to my persistent melancholy.

 

Don't get me wrong, he provides for me, and very obviously cares both for and about me. He does countless things every single day- so many I couldn't keep track of them all if I carried around a notepad and hired my own scribe. He does countless things for me every day that I don't notice for hours afterward, or don't notice at all. And every day I try to thank him in both words and actions for his kindness.

 

But my life is still not playing out as though it was written by an angst-saddled blogger on Wordpress, and that breaks my heart just a little bit. I will be fine, and I will come to love him again in a few minutes, but today is a bad day and romance has temporarily suffered cardiac arrest and died.

 

I'm going to sit in a corner somewhere and drink ungodly amounts of tea until it comes back to life.

[OneLov]

Today is a bad day. Today, I remembered that life is not fanfiction and no matter how much of it I read or how many date ideas I steal from it, life is not fanfiction and maybe it never can be.

 

My husband will never, not ever, carry me into bed and stroke my hair and murmur things like, "I'm here for you. You don't have to be strong anymore. Just rest." as I convulsively sob into his chest about literally everything that has ever happened or ever will happen to me. Nor will such a non-existent moment ever be followed by lighting a hundred candles and gently- ever so gently- making love to each other whilst he kisses away my tears. There is no miracle and no amount of honest communication and loving actions that can make him suddenly desire to become the antidote to my persistent melancholy.

 

Don't get me wrong, he provides for me, and very obviously cares both for and about me. He does countless things every single day- so many I couldn't keep track of them all if I carried around a notepad and hired my own scribe. He does countless things for me every day that I don't notice for hours afterward, or don't notice at all. And every day I try to thank him in both words and actions for his kindness.

 

But my life is still not playing out as though it was written by an angst-saddled blogger on Wordpress, and that breaks my heart just a little bit. I will be fine, and I will come to love him again in a few minutes, but today is a bad day and romance has temporarily suffered cardiac arrest and died.

 

I'm going to sit in a corner somewhere and drink ungodly amounts of tea until it comes back to life.

 

I'm very confused. Why are you lamenting the fact you do not have enough trivial stress in your life? Why so fickle?

 

I really think you have to adjust your expectations about romantic relationships. Your husband CANNOT make you happy; that's on you. I mean by your own admission he does so much, but it'll never be enough? Why do you need more?

[RomanticBride]

I'm very confused. Why are you lamenting the fact you do not have enough trivial stress in your life?

Oh, no, you misunderstand me. I'm not lamenting a lack of sorrow but a lack of comfort. A lack of soothing. A lack of catharsis.

 

He does everything for me... except for that. And because human beings are prone to want most what they cannot have, it stands to reason that I'd want that more than anything.

 

As I said, I'll be fine and I'll get over it eventually, because he's a generally good husband and a generally good person.

[BaileyB]

There is fantasy, and there is reality.

 

It seems, you like to escape into a fantasy life that you create in your mind... Your husband seems to participate in the fantasy that you create. But the reality is, life is not always a fantasy.

 

Drink some tea, calm your mind, and stay in the moment. You control your thoughts and you are responsible for your happiness.

Edited September 5, 2016 by BaileyB

[RomanticBride]

There is fantasy, and there is reality.

 

It seems, you like to escape into a fantasy life that you create in your mind... Your husband seems to participate in the fantasy that you create. But the reality is, life is not always a fantasy.

 

Drink some tea, calm your mind, and stay in the moment. You control your thoughts and you are responsible for your happiness.

 

He participates... to an extent. I wouldn't call asking for support and receiving it to be "participating in a fantasy". I don't even really understand why the scenario I described a couple posts ago exists solely in the realm of hobbyist romance authors. I really don't. I'm asking sincerely: why does there seem to be precious little sweetness, fluff, and psychological healing via romantic ardor in real life?

[BaileyB]

The picnic? That's nice and very romantic.

 

just watch that your romantic expectations don't get too unrealistic. Life is definitely not fan fiction or romance novels.

[BaileyB]

Life is not fanfiction and maybe it never can be.

 

My husband will never, not ever, carry me into bed and stroke my hair and murmur things like, "I'm here for you. You don't have to be strong anymore. Just rest." as I convulsively sob into his chest about literally everything that has ever happened or ever will happen to me. Nor will such a non-existent moment ever be followed by lighting a hundred candles and gently- ever so gently- making love to each other whilst he kisses away my tears. There is no miracle and no amount of honest communication and loving actions that can make him suddenly desire to become the antidote to my persistent melancholy.

 

But my life is still not playing out as though it was written by an angst-saddled blogger on Wordpress, and that breaks my heart just a little bit.

 

This is fantasy. It's a nice fantasy, but probably not reality. I understand sadness and the wish that someone would come along and take all your cares away... But the reality is that your husband is just a man who loves you and you have the ability to create your own happiness.

 

Personally, I think the reality is better than the fantasy.

[BettyDraper]

Today is a bad day. Today, I remembered that life is not fanfiction and no matter how much of it I read or how many date ideas I steal from it, life is not fanfiction and maybe it never can be.

 

My husband will never, not ever, carry me into bed and stroke my hair and murmur things like, "I'm here for you. You don't have to be strong anymore. Just rest." as I convulsively sob into his chest about literally everything that has ever happened or ever will happen to me. Nor will such a non-existent moment ever be followed by lighting a hundred candles and gently- ever so gently- making love to each other whilst he kisses away my tears. There is no miracle and no amount of honest communication and loving actions that can make him suddenly desire to become the antidote to my persistent melancholy.

 

Don't get me wrong, he provides for me, and very obviously cares both for and about me. He does countless things every single day- so many I couldn't keep track of them all if I carried around a notepad and hired my own scribe. He does countless things for me every day that I don't notice for hours afterward, or don't notice at all. And every day I try to thank him in both words and actions for his kindness.

 

But my life is still not playing out as though it was written by an angst-saddled blogger on Wordpress, and that breaks my heart just a little bit. I will be fine, and I will come to love him again in a few minutes, but today is a bad day and romance has temporarily suffered cardiac arrest and died.

 

I'm going to sit in a corner somewhere and drink ungodly amounts of tea until it comes back to life.

 

Why are you expecting life to be like fan fiction?

Just because your husband doesn't fit some saccharine ideal of what love is, it doesn't mean that he isn't romantic and he doesn't care about you.

Your expectations need to be adjusted. If keep holding on the idea that your marriage should be something out of a romance novel every day, then you will be disappointed and end up resenting your husband.

[RomanticBride]

Not every day, certainly... but what about most of the days? Or even half of the days? And of course you're quite right. He does love me, and he is romantic and yes, eventually I'll settle back down and lower my expectations. I just go through these phases when I want more out of life and love than either seem able to give me, and I wonder why they have to be phases. I wonder why I can't just have the fairytale. I don't mind working for the fairytale. I don't mind having sex when I don't feel in the mood, just for the sake of connecting with him. In fact, I relish it. I don't mind helping with chores when I see they need to be done and he doesn't want to do them. I'll wash the dishes or clean the counters or the bathroom when he leaves it for me to do. I certainly don't mind giving grand romantic gestures and planning grand romantic things and writing grand romantic love poems. I love doing all of those things! But I want for him to surprise me with a wonderful gift too, or write me poetry.

 

And most of all, I want him to not shy away from my intense emotions anymore. I want him to help me through them, to walk with me in them. I understand, he's a man, and he's British, and the last thing on this earth British men want to do, apparently, is show tenderness and empathy, particularly on a regular basis. He says it's partially a cultural thing.

 

Though we've had a lot of intimate, important, deep talks today about our love and about expectations and fiction. He said afterwards he felt better for having opened up to me, for which I commend him wholeheartedly!! The conclusion that I ended up coming to at the end of it all was that even if he's not my crying shoulder, he still wishes to protect, nurture, and care for me. He just does so in more covert ways, like coming over to check on me and bring me prozac and fizzy water when I'm having a panic attack. (Also happened today) I mean, I still wish he could also be my crying shoulder, but what I have, just as I have it, is pretty good too.

 

We both have very low libidos and almost zero self-confidence and no sexual experiences outside of each other, which results in me being able to count on two hands the number of times we've had sex.

 

But tonight I convinced him to try being intimate with me. We actually made an agreement with one another that for the next 30 days, we'd spend at least a few minutes every day having some kind of sexual contact. It doesn't have to be intercourse and it doesn't even have to feel good. No expectations whatsoever. I told him that even if it doesn't feel good at first, over the course of 30 days it will likely go from awkward and horrible to slightly less awkward and kinda nice.

 

So we experimented. And we made plans to do so tomorrow. And he curled up in bed next to me afterwards and said he really enjoyed intimacy with me. He valued getting close to me. Both our secondary love languages are physical touch so this comes as no surprise whatsoever. But it was really, really nice to hear him say that.

Edited September 5, 2016 by RomanticBride

[clia]

You seem to want a different type of man than the one you married. Yoir husband is just not the man who is going to write you poems or do grand romantic gestures. Those men exist, but unfortunately, that type of man is not the one you chose for yourself. If you don't have the fairytale you always dreamed about, perhaps you should stop blaming him, since you are the one who essentially wrote the story when you chose him. Does your husband know how unhappy you are with him?

[Els]

Life can't be fanfiction because fiction is fiction. I've read (and written! ) fanfiction and rarely does anyone write about having to be up at 7 the next morning for work, about paying rent this month, about getting that leaking tap fixed, about the carpet needing to be vacuumed and about the car needing to be taken to the mechanic. But in real life all of that happens, so obviously most people don't have the time or inclination most days to carry you to bed, murmur soft words while you sob into their chest, and light a hundred candles...

 

Not every day, certainly... but what about most of the days? Or even half of the days? And of course you're quite right. He does love me, and he is romantic and yes, eventually I'll settle back down and lower my expectations. I just go through these phases when I want more out of life and love than either seem able to give me, and I wonder why they have to be phases. I wonder why I can't just have the fairytale. I don't mind working for the fairytale. I don't mind having sex when I don't feel in the mood, just for the sake of connecting with him. In fact, I relish it. I don't mind helping with chores when I see they need to be done and he doesn't want to do them. I'll wash the dishes or clean the counters or the bathroom when he leaves it for me to do. I certainly don't mind giving grand romantic gestures and planning grand romantic things and writing grand romantic love poems. I love doing all of those things! But I want for him to surprise me with a wonderful gift too, or write me poetry.

 

I'm confused. So he works full-time and you don't work at all, but you 'don't mind helping him with chores when he doesn't want to do them'? So he gets back from work, does chores (unless you feel like 'helping him'), and you're expecting him to spend even more of his free time 'writing you poetry'?

 

If you took care of more of the household chores and duties (as would be reasonable if you aren't working), perhaps he would have a bit more time for romance?

[BettyDraper]

Life can't be fanfiction because fiction is fiction. I've read (and written! ) fanfiction and rarely does anyone write about having to be up at 7 the next morning for work, about paying rent this month, about getting that leaking tap fixed, about the carpet needing to be vacuumed and about the car needing to be taken to the mechanic. But in real life all of that happens, so obviously most people don't have the time or inclination most days to carry you to bed, murmur soft words while you sob into their chest, and light a hundred candles...

 

 

 

I'm confused. So he works full-time and you don't work at all, but you 'don't mind helping him with chores when he doesn't want to do them'? So he gets back from work, does chores (unless you feel like 'helping him'), and you're expecting him to spend even more of his free time 'writing you poetry'?

 

If you took care of more of the household chores and duties (as would be reasonable if you aren't working), perhaps he would have a bit more time for romance?

 

I have to say that I agree with this. Whomever is not working outside the home needs to work within it. RB, you should be doing all of the housework and cooking because your husband is financially supporting you. I would tell him the same thing if the roles were reversed.

 

My husband is only responsible for yard work and waste management in our household. I do everything else because it's only fair.

 

You cannot expect to just take and not give in a marriage.

[BaileyB]

I also think it's important that you get out into the world when you can. Taking a class, volunteering, getting a part time job... I know that when I spend a lot of time at home by myself, I tend to really get "into my head."

 

I can imagine that it's easy to get over involved in fiction and fantasy when you have a lot of unoccupied time and primarily your husband for social interaction.

 

Just a suggestion.

[OneLov]

So he works full-time and you don't work at all, but you 'don't mind helping him with chores when he doesn't want to do them'? So he gets back from work, does chores (unless you feel like 'helping him'), and you're expecting him to spend even more of his free time 'writing you poetry'?

 

If you took care of more of the household chores and duties (as would be reasonable if you aren't working), perhaps he would have a bit more time for romance?

 

OP

 

With all due respect, this relationship dynamic is one of parent/child not husband/wife. Symbiotic relationships are not romantic. Trust me when I tell you that codependency kills intimacy.

 

 

“You are not going to live happily-ever-after once you find your prince or princess. There is no happily-ever-after on this plane of existence. You may find your prince or princess but they will have issues to deal with. Relationships are something that needs to be worked on – not some magic wand that makes everybody happy.” - Robert Burney

 

Source: https://codependentrecoveryexpert.wordpress.com/tag/fear-of-intimacy/

[BaileyB]

OP

 

With all due respect, this relationship dynamic is one of parent/child not husband/wife. Symbiotic relationships are not romantic. Trust me when I tell you that codependency kills intimacy. :

 

And, that is the truth right there.