8 months later.....

[Thatoneguy55]

This site has made me such a stronger person. Unfortunately I am again in need of an outside perspective, due to being blinded by my nature.

 

I (early 30s) met a woman (mid 20s) and you know the usual story of instant chemistry. However, I did some immature things (mainly drinking too much) that lead to the end of round one.

 

Round two was a month later. She called and literally begged for me back. She said she had dated during that month. Knowing it was mostly my lifestyle that caused the rift, I went head-first in with her. My behavior was exactly how it should have been the first time. 3 weeks later, We went on a local trip, came back, and she called me to say she can't do it. I was completely devastated.

 

This breakup had an ugly moment a month later after full NC when we run into each other at a bar. She explained to me that she slept with someone else the night before. I was so hurt when she said that, it actually changed my thought process towards people. I knew adults move on after breaking up, but something about being told about it by the person when you are still hurting , wow.

 

Her being so blunt was actually a blessing, as I used that pain to take her off the pedestal and move on. I have since dated multiple attractive women, have advanced even further in my industry, and am genuinely happy again.

 

8 months later (2 weeks ago) I get a Facebook message. She wants to get coffee. We meet. We go to an event the next night. We sleep together. Things are better than ever.

 

And that is where it is. But I think I know where it's going. The moment I show too much interest, she's gone. She just got out of a bad relationship, which makes me option #2 at best.

 

But what if I'm wrong? What if this is a real fresh start? I don't trust it, which is either a red flag against her or against my insecurity. Either way, not good. She isn't making any real extra effort to assure me, but that's not fair to ask for nor expect from someone.

 

I'm scared poopless of getting hurt again. I'm also scared of ending it but regretting it in 2 weeks.

 

I wish I never returned her message. I don't wish this on any dumpee, even if they are praying for it.

 

Help LS. :/

 

Clarity: the behaviors that ruined round one are completely part of my past. But they weren't present for round two, and she left suddenly after saying she loved me.

Edited August 25, 2016 by Thatoneguy55

[BluesPower]

You never, never what to be #2. Being the fall back guy is not a good place.

 

It could be that she is using you for sex??? Which may be ok at one level, but not at the real feelings level.

 

It seems that you continue to have Real feelings for this women. Problem is that you are the fall back guy. And a soon as you get too close or she finds a guy she likes better at the moment, you are chopped liver.

 

Unless she changes her ways I would just stay away from her. If you don't you are looking for more heartbreak.

 

Good luck...

[Thatoneguy55]

I would give almost the exact advice were I to be responding to someone else in this situation.

 

It is so much more difficult when enough time has passed that she may be different, but the odds are in favor of heartache.

 

If I end it now, it will be a much easker ride for me, but I will always wonder. If she ends it 2 months from now, I'll be destroyed again.

[lolablue17]

You can never ever have an insurance that she will love you forever. There's always a risk with any girl, new or ex.

 

But you can minimize the risk. You can just be friend with her, maybe FWB, and while that to see how serious she is, and is she really into you. Yes, it might hurt her, because you must protect yourself. As long as you don't promise her anything, she should take her own decisions.

 

Do that only if you're sure that it won't hurt you to be just her friend.

[Thatoneguy55]

In case anyone wants to know, I broke it off. I waited until that first sign of pulling away/hesitancy. The next day I told her that although everything has been great, I don't trust her. I regretted it about 2 hours later when I was emotional, but today I feel better about it.

 

Even if she was being sincere, I was too hurt. Either way, it wasn't fair to either one of us to continue. Love that girl. Oh well. :/

[piranha]

My only suggestion for next time is: avoid any ambiguity!

 

I have seen friends roll and chew over countless 'why are they doing this?' situations in their heads. You know how you know? You ask.

 

I've seen relationships work for a Round 2 and lead to marriage. However, some key things always happened:

 

a) they spent some time apart, basically NC

b) they identified what went wrong

c) when they came together, they put their egos aside, had a sit-down and talked about what went wrong the first time and why it wouldn't happen again the second time

 

It's so important to identify and realize the changes... otherwise they're doomed to happen all over again! Don't 'wait' and 'watch' the other person's actions and say 'if they do this again, THEN I'll do this...' You're living in a perpetually anxious state. Talk to them, be on the same page, fix what was broken, and then start again relaxed and with the confidence that the same things and behaviors WON'T happen again.