XMM seems angry at me even though he ended it [updated]

[Midlifecrisis1]

I am a new poster here. I just got out of a 4 month affair with a mm from my town. We were "crazy in love", soul mates, future together, making plans, getting "in" with each others kids, etc. I was always the more realistic one than he was telling him that the rest of people in town may not be so happy for us when we go public and that his kids may not like me so much when I am the person who took their dad from their mom, even though they really liked me as their dads friend. I would ask him if he felt guilty and he said no. He found something better than his wife and it's what he wanted. He wanted me to promise not to have sex with my husband.

 

I eventually said maybe we should stop or pause because I was having jealous and guilty feelings that I just didn't like having. He was devastated. A day or 2 later I said I was wrong, it was a mistake, I love him, miss him and still want to be with him. He said no. Said it is the right decision and he can't do it anymore. Couldn't believe he was about to destroy his family, had let his career go, etc. we tried to keep talking as friends, but I couldn't do it. Seems like he was fine with it. Almost seemed like he was a little spiteful and rubbing my face in the fact that he is trying to make things better with his wife. I was so hurt. I said we have to cut contact 3 weeks ago and we have not spoken since.

 

He occupies my thoughts like 90% of the time. I can't understand why he turned so cold and unfeeling towards me or couldn't forgive my one day impulsive suggestion to stop things. I understand that maybe it jogged him out of his affair fog, but could his feelings really have just disappeared in a flash like that? I want to stop thinking about him, but I know I will see him at school functions. I can't deal with the idea that all that love we shared was actually nothing to him.

 

Yes, I'm married with 2 kids, but I do not see growing old with my Dh...we are really not compatible.

[Clay]

Honestly it sounds like your looking for support from other OM/OW. You should probably post this in that section of the website.

 

I personally think you need to come clean with your husband and end your marriage. He might be the worst husband in the world but no one deserves to be cheated on. Check yourself into therapy while your looking for attorneys. It sounds like your going to need both especially if your husband learns from your x lover.

 

C

[BuddyX]

You pushed and he walked away. Why are you surprised by his actions? You are acting like a teenager. The sad part is, you have a husband and kids at home. You need to re-check your priorities.

[Lobe]

MLC1, definitely you're looking for the OW/OM board - the mods will move this I suspect.

 

Regardless, welcome to LS - you're about to get hit with a barrage of advice, slapped in the face with common sense and tough love - brace yourself, take what you need, leave the rest behind.

 

My question is, how did your A start, and what was going on in your marriage before your MOM showed up on the scene?

 

My suspicion is that yes, he was jogged back to reality and hopefully you respect his desire to stay NC. Perhaps his wife found out and he realized that it wasn't worth losing the family he had invested in over a fling. Were his feelings real? I imagine that yes, hey were real but short-lived and only within the affair bubble, as is usually the case with affairs.

 

I encourage you to read the posts of some of the other OW/OM here on LS and you will learn that your situation isn't unique or special, and you will find people going through the same struggles as you to regain a sense of equilibrium in the sloppy aftermath of the A ending.

[GorillaTheater]

He wanted me to promise not to have sex with my husband.

 

 

This part was pretty cool. Good guy, your AP.

[Katyp]

This part was pretty cool. Good guy, your AP.

 

I can beat that. My XMM said he would never forgive me if I got pregnant by another man even though I was single without kids and he had two by his wife.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Lobe, thank you. our affair started because he was my son's basketball coach and was so caring and attentive and good with the kids. we hit it off and had an easy rapport. then he chose my son for his baseball team and we flirted and it got serious very quickly. he is the polar opposite of my husband. he is warm, affectionate, devoted father, loves kids, self deprecating, playful, not physically attractive. my dh is physically attractive and a workaholic and tends to always put his own wants/needs first.

 

I get that he got a reality check and is dealing....but how could he walk away without seeming to feel for me? why aren't i getting out of the affair bubble? i am still in the fog.

[Lobe]

I get that he got a reality check and is dealing....but how could he walk away without seeming to feel for me? why aren't i getting out of the affair bubble? i am still in the fog.

 

Men compartmentalize things in a way women don't - they pack it up in a little box in their brain and move on. Whether that's culturally or socially engendered or an actual biological difference is someone else's debate for another day, but it is what it is. Women on the other hand ruminate, and even OM tend to find it difficult to shut off the intense feelings from an A. None of it matters anyway - I'm going to give you a slightly different perspective that will hopefully help you start moving on.

 

In the case of an affair ending, ti's cruel to be kind. If your AP were to continue flirting and telling you how much he loves you but can't be with you, it would string you along and make you continue hoping form something that he has taken off the table. I commend your AP for making a clean break and not leaving you in the ambiguous torture of "push-pull" purgatory that so many of the OW in this forum suffer. Would you honestly really rather have him swoon over you while never progressing the relationship because he loves his wife more?

 

Going NC is the best way to move forward. If you guys are truly soul mates and meant to be, he will figure out how to end his marriage and start with you clean and out in the open. In the meantime, you have your own soul-searching to do - what is going on in your own marriage? Were you having difficulties or was your AP just walking on greener grass? Did you have problems before the A began or did you start looking for reasons to justify your wandering eye only after your AP showed up? Are you still with your BS and if yes, why? What's the plan?

[Lobe]

...and you're not getting out of the affair bubble because you don't want to, at least not yet... I suggest you pick up a copy of "NOT just friends" and download a free copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal" here: lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf (copy-paste that in your browser bar and it'll take you straight there.)

 

And seriously, read some of the other stories here - there's valuable insight to be found.

[eye of the storm]

The fog is so nice. It is peaceful in there. There is no bills to be negotiated, dishes to be done, socks to be picked up for the thousandth time.

 

He was able to walk away so easily because you became real. You became an irritant. Fantasies are fun and stress free. You became real and he is off looking for his next fantasy. One that will "know her place".

 

You are having trouble getting out of the fog because you are using it as a reason to not work on your reality. Either fixing what is broke in your marriage or working on leaving it. Both of those things are hard. Fantasies are easy.

 

I wish you luck.

[Katyp]

I posted a similar question a few days ago and have copied and pasted the link here as I thought the replies were so good. I hope it helps you. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/592368-why-no-contact-after-you-finish-mm

[aileD]

Your thinking is backwards

 

The "one impulsive decision to stop"

 

Was actually the only healthy decision you've made.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

my dh is physically attractive and a workaholic and tends to always put his own wants/needs first.

 

Says the woman who had an affair with her sons baseball coach and wanted to destroy that sons family for a 4 month relationship.

 

Think about that.

[Ruffian1]

we hit it off and had an easy rapport. then he chose my son for his baseball team and we flirted and it got serious very quickly. he is the polar opposite of my husband. he is warm, affectionate, devoted father, loves kids, self deprecating, playful, not physically attractive. my dh is physically attractive and a workaholic and tends to always put his own wants/needs first.

 

If your husband displeases you so much, why didn't you just D him, not cheat on him, trying to set up Om as your next instead of just leaving your H?

 

And don't say "the kids" because you would get visitation.

 

He is bad enough to cheat on but not bad enough to D?

 

What did MM BS do to you?

[Bufo]

Sounds like he is Mr Marvelous. If he is, he did some introspective examination when you cut off the relationship. And Mr Marvelous had a tough time picturing himself as a cheater risking his marriage and yours. That streak of realism you claim must have rubbed off on him.

 

Ever hear the Beatles "Let it Be"? Apply that title to your behavior towards him. He's gone. Don't torture him and yourself with what might have been. Fix or end your marriage. But he isn't your ticket out of marital doldrums.

[whichwayisup]

Lobe, thank you. our affair started because he was my son's basketball coach and was so caring and attentive and good with the kids. we hit it off and had an easy rapport. then he chose my son for his baseball team and we flirted and it got serious very quickly. he is the polar opposite of my husband. he is warm, affectionate, devoted father, loves kids, self deprecating, playful, not physically attractive. my dh is physically attractive and a workaholic and tends to always put his own wants/needs first.

 

I get that he got a reality check and is dealing....but how could he walk away without seeming to feel for me? why aren't i getting out of the affair bubble? i am still in the fog.

 

What was it that made you fall in love with your husband and build a family with him? How long ago did you fall out of love with your H?

 

Do you work? If not, your H probably works a lot because he's the provider for you and your kids. Are you saying your H isn't a good father? How is he selfish and puts his needs above everybody else's? Do you see that you are doing the same putting yourself first by having an A and allowing your son to be around the MM? How dangerous of a situation this is if your H finds out about the A and who it was with? Your son will suffer, the fallout could be huge.

 

You don't want out of the affair bubble. My suggestion is, seek counseling and figure out if you want to still be married or not.

 

As for your (ex)MM, many men are able to separate love and sex, not become emotionally attached. Sounds like he never let himself 'fall' for you yet you fell for him and that's why he's able to shut you out and move on quickly.

[bigman1]

There is no fog. You just were a side chick. You risked your kids's happiness and family for a 4 month roll with their basketball coach, who you think really gets you?!

 

Newsflash. You thought your BH got you when you dated, got engaged, married, lived with, had kids with, and all the rest. Now, he's a workaholic who does not tend to your needs.

 

Look at it this way, in 4 months, the OM was able to keep it moving. YOU struggle. His whole "don't sleep with your husband" stuff was just competition for him. He won, as far as he's concerned.

 

Finally, you are going to grow old. Maybe not with your husband. Definitely not with OM. End your marriage or confess and fix it. Either way, all of you are going to age, the question is will it be alone or with someone worth being with? If you feel you are in some sort of "fog" I suggest you get some counseling to figure out why you are in a "fog" over the man you described.

[Whoknew30]

I am a new poster here. I just got out of a 4 month affair with a mm from my town. We were "crazy in love", soul mates, future together, making plans, getting "in" with each others kids, etc. I was always the more realistic one than he was telling him that the rest of people in town may not be so happy for us when we go public and that his kids may not like me so much when I am the person who took their dad from their mom, even though they really liked me as their dads friend. I would ask him if he felt guilty and he said no. He found something better than his wife and it's what he wanted. He wanted me to promise not to have sex with my husband.

 

I eventually said maybe we should stop or pause because I was having jealous and guilty feelings that I just didn't like having. He was devastated. A day or 2 later I said I was wrong, it was a mistake, I love him, miss him and still want to be with him. He said no. Said it is the right decision and he can't do it anymore. Couldn't believe he was about to destroy his family, had let his career go, etc. we tried to keep talking as friends, but I couldn't do it. Seems like he was fine with it. Almost seemed like he was a little spiteful and rubbing my face in the fact that he is trying to make things better with his wife. I was so hurt. I said we have to cut contact 3 weeks ago and we have not spoken since.

 

He occupies my thoughts like 90% of the time. I can't understand why he turned so cold and unfeeling towards me or couldn't forgive my one day impulsive suggestion to stop things. I understand that maybe it jogged him out of his affair fog, but could his feelings really have just disappeared in a flash like that? I want to stop thinking about him, but I know I will see him at school functions. I can't deal with the idea that all that love we shared was actually nothing to him.

 

Yes, I'm married with 2 kids, but I do not see growing old with my Dh...we are really not compatible.

 

 

It was 4 months...I agree you sound like a teenage girl. After 4 months you threw a passive aggressive fit & he bailed. You don't even know him. Usually woman that think a man is going to leave has been around for several years.

 

You scared him, even if he comes back it's only to have sex with you. You didn't share love, you shared infatuation. Cut your losses & move on.

[privategal]

Soul mates in 4 months?

Have you read here long?

Did you learn that hormones released in women after sex resemble heroine or opiates?

How well do you REALLY even know him?

Ever have to have a discussion with him when the bills were tight, clean his dirty laundry, see him in the morning with his grumpy attitude, his bed head and morning breath? You haven't faced death, loss, bills, cleaning toilets, flu....just SEX. People aren't soul mates cause they have good sex and love is a word not a true feeling within affairs.

[Whoknew30]

Soul mates in 4 months?

Have you read here long?

Did you learn that hormones released in women after sex resemble heroine or opiates?

How well do you REALLY even know him?

Ever have to have a discussion with him when the bills were tight, clean his dirty laundry, see him in the morning with his grumpy attitude, his bed head and morning breath? You haven't faced death, loss, bills, cleaning toilets, flu....just SEX. People aren't soul mates cause they have good sex and love is a word not a true feeling within affairs.

 

I don't know about this exactly. After 4 months I agree it isn't love but I don't agree with the whole bill & laundry thing either. People forget they fell in love without all that before they were married. That stuff comes with marriage, I know women that do those things & don't love their spouses.

 

If you're married you didn't fall in love with your husband before any deaths, or cleaned toilets?

[sandylee1]

You found a soul mate very quickly. Just 4 months!!

Except him not being free and single, but married is a bit of an obstacle here.

[privategal]

I don't know about this exactly. After 4 months I agree it isn't love but I don't agree with the whole bill & laundry thing either. People forget they fell in love without all that before they were married. That stuff comes with marriage, I know women that do those things & don't love their spouses.

 

If you're married you didn't fall in love with your husband before any deaths, or cleaned toilets?

 

Most people date for a year or so on average, enough to gain insight on each other's temperament, see every mood, see how a person responds to crisis, know how they manage their finances, how they behave in an argument, how they are when they AREN'T putting their best foot forward.

If you feel though that most women who end up doing housecleaning like toilets for instance and sharing hum drum every day boring stuff outside of honeymoon new love and sex....in other words (and in your words) inside marriage...then do you think you and your AP are special?

That If he left his wife then had alimony, or child support, then you both had to do dishes, laundry, face the flu, sick kids, bills....you think your fairytale passion could survive that baggage of divorce, separating assets, the judgement of families on both sides and the list goes on...in 4 months you've got this Down with a solid plan and he's the ONE?

[Whoknew30]

Most people date for a year or so on average, enough to gain temperament, see every mood, see how a person responds to crisis, know how they manage their finances, how they behave in an argument, how they are when they AREN'T putting their best foot forward.

If you feel though that most women who end up doing housecleaning like toilets for instance and sharing hum drum every day boring stuff outside of honeymoon new love and sex....in other words (and in your words) inside marriage...then do you think you and your AP are special?

That If he left his wife then had alimony, or child support, then you both had to do dishes, laundry, face the flu, sick kids, bills....you think your fairytale passion could survive that baggage of divorce, separating assets, the judgement of families on both sides and the list goes on...in 4 months you've got this Down with a solid plan and he's the ONE?

 

I think there's many different kinds of love. I don't think that a spouse is ever the only one that another spouse can love. I think different loves doesn't mean that another love never existed or can't exist.

 

Affairs aren't only about sex & or fantasy, sometimes they aren't even that hidden.

 

Do I think she found her soul mate in 4 months, no I don't defiantly infatuation. Though I don't believe that a spouse can't love an AP bc they haven't payed bills together. Also the judgements & all those other things doesn't mean they haven't loved the other person, it's receiving so much pressure c they did fall in love with another person can be too much on anyone...love doesn't conquer all but still doesn't mean it was never love.

[privategal]

I think there's many different kinds of love. I don't think that a spouse is ever the only one that another spouse can love. I think different loves doesn't mean that another love never existed or can't exist.

 

Affairs aren't only about sex & or fantasy, sometimes they aren't even that hidden.

 

Do I think she found her soul mate in 4 months, no I don't defiantly infatuation. Though I don't believe that a spouse can't love an AP bc they haven't payed bills together. Also the judgements & all those other things doesn't mean they haven't loved the other person, it's receiving so much pressure c they did fall in love with another person can be too much on anyone...love doesn't conquer all but still doesn't mean it was never love.

 

Agree on a lot of what you said for what it's worth however true love endures. So....what happened here?

It was soul mates for her, sex for him. The going gets tough, it crumbles. Is that love? I don't seem to think so.

Your likely knee deep in affair fog is my guess.

Doesn't matter, if it's real to you, that's all that matters. It was the use of "soul mates" that made me cringe as he wears a wedding ring, is not leaving.....that's not very soul mate like is it? Rhetorical.

[Whoknew30]

Agree on a lot of what you said for what it's worth however true love endures. So....what happened here?

It was soul mates for her, sex for him. The going gets tough, it crumbles. Is that love? I don't seem to think so.

Your likely knee deep in affair fog is my guess.

Doesn't matter, if it's real to you, that's all that matters. It was the use of "soul mates" that made me cringe as he wears a wedding ring, is not leaving.....that's not very soul mate like is it? Rhetorical.

 

No, not in A fog at all. Had an A it's been over for 7 years...only accidental contact twice in the last year, nothing in the 6 years before that. The whole soul mate thing isn't realistic not just in an A but in general to me either.

 

I'm happy my marriage made it but honestly (& really was never in a fog) I'll always have a love for my exAP. Doesnt mean I want to be with him but a love none the less. Is it wrong, well I think it was wrong to ever act on anything but a feeling (IMO) can never be wrong, a feeling can't be helped only action can.