XMM seems angry at me even though he ended it [updated]

[MidnightBlue1980]

The bag of rocks analogy was me and you are not at that point where you have put down your bag of rocks. You are just medicated so you don't feel them strapped to your back. I have been Lexipro - it made me tired, fat and emotionally blank. I also went on something after my affair ended, while drugs are necessary if you have a chemical imbalances, I honestly am not a fan of them if you are taking them to avoid dealing with something in your life.

 

I took the Lexipro because I had a terrible and abusive work environment. My coworkers were on it. My dtr said, get a new job, that is my prescription. After it ended with xmm, I took St. John's Wort to numb me out. It did but all I did was delay my healing. After a few months I knew I had to go through the stages of grief to come out the other side - and so do you.

 

From what I read and experienced, it takes 2x as long to put your bag of rocks down, assuming you do the work of course (ie NC). Mine was 5 months and I am 10 months out. You are only 2.5 months out of a 4 month affair, so you are 5.5 months away. I'm not trying to scare you, only show you that what you think is the recovery phase, this is not it. It's much better and you will get there but I honestly think you need to tell your husband the truth. I say this because you wrote - the love of my life, future wife. You don't just bounce back from that and I can't imagine going through it and trying to hide it from your husband. And what is the point? Don't you want to fix your marriage? Otherwise you will just do it all again.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's just strange to me that it meant more to me than to him...he was the one who was so over the top with his emotions and his actions and I was not that way. Physically, he is not even attractive, although I was attracted to him. My ego is very damaged and I need to stop placing so much of my self worth on men finding me physically desirable. But I had been feeling invisible as a 46 year old mom even though I am attractive.

 

 

Join the club honey. I bet you take care of yourself and are attractive. This is a theme here on LS. Here is a question - did he have performance problems?

[DKT3]

It's just strange to me that it meant more to me than to him...he was the one who was so over the top with his emotions and his actions and I was not that way. Physically, he is not even attractive, although I was attracted to him. My ego is very damaged and I need to stop placing so much of my self worth on men finding me physically desirable. But I had been feeling invisible as a 46 year old mom even though I am attractive.

 

Although my marriage is stale/boring, I have kids, a comfortable life, and my husband is a good person. I am not ready to upend all of our worlds.

 

I know I sound flippant and self absorbed...that's how I feel right now. I'm working on getting myself to a better place.

I actually find your honesty and vulnerability in the post refreshing. It's not common here. The normal script goes on and on about how horrible the spouse is.

 

I have to ask how much genuine effort do you put forth in your marriage? I ask this alot of wayward spouses and rarely if ever get a response.

[DKT3]

Join the club honey. I bet you take care of yourself and are attractive. This is a theme here on LS. Here is a question - did he have performance problems?

 

I could explain the dynamic if you like

[gettingstronger]

It's just strange to me that it meant more to me than to him...he was the one who was so over the top with his emotions and his actions and I was not that way. Physically, he is not even attractive, although I was attracted to him. My ego is very damaged and I need to stop placing so much of my self worth on men finding me physically desirable. But I had been feeling invisible as a 46 year old mom even though I am attractive.

 

Although my marriage is stale/boring, I have kids, a comfortable life, and my husband is a good person. I am not ready to upend all of our worlds.

 

I know I sound flippant and self absorbed...that's how I feel right now. I'm working on getting myself to a better place.

 

 

Yes, I think its important to get to a better place-you don't sound self-absorbed, you are self-absorbed and thats a difficult place to be because when it's all about you, nothing will measure up-nothing and no one-being attractive is great, but it only gets you so far-being interesting, giving, involved is so much better- look at your friends-who do you like spending the most time with-the pretty ones or the ones that are interesting and fun no matter what they look like- I sure hope my friends like me because I am interesting and fun not because I wear a size zero.

 

It is easy to get lost in our mid to late 40's- it happened to my husband too- we worked hard to get what we have but its leveled off-executive, nice house, ski house, kids doing well in HS and college- he lost his focus on what made him, him- the end game of retirement is pretty far off, so the next 15 years looked to be about the same as the last 2 or 3- while I love being able to enjoy what we worked for-loved seeing my kids become independent and not need me, he felt lost and un-appreciated- he needed that ego boost-

Well, it backfired and through therapy he has refocused on finding value in what he has built rather than looking for that next high or ego boost-

 

We entertain more than ever, he has reconnected with friends, etc... find joy in what you have rather than needing to be wanted or wanting-

A knock down, drag out trip to Vegas is good for what ails you!

[HeCantBreakMe]

I could explain the dynamic if you like

 

Please explain this because i am so confused on this. Mine isn't attractive and I am. He didn't have performance problems though- quite the opposite.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I could explain the dynamic if you like

 

I would love to know. There is a theme here. Hot 40 year old women fall for unattractive, overweight, balding, short men with performance issues.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Please explain this because i am so confused on this. Mine isn't attractive and I am. He didn't have performance problems though- quite the opposite.

 

I am just lucky, I hit the jackpot with all the bad qualities.

[DKT3]

Please explain this because i am so confused on this. Mine isn't attractive and I am. He didn't have performance problems though- quite the opposite.

 

If some super attractive guy approached you and made a run at you sexually as a married woman you would shoot him down, or even if he became too friendly you would throw up walls before anything inappropriate happened.

 

However with an unattractive married man there is no attraction so no danger in a married woman mind. Because there is a lack of attraction there is no walls. You allow yourself to be totally open and honest with no expectations. Then one day boom, there is a change and suddenly there is something there you can't explain or understand.

 

Attraction for woman is conditional, after the initial attraction or not, it's driven by how the man makes her feel above how he looks.

 

It's also the reason wives lose attraction for their husbands.

Edited October 11, 2016 by DKT3

[HeCantBreakMe]

It's just strange to me that it meant more to me than to him...he was the one who was so over the top with his emotions and his actions and I was not that way. Physically, he is not even attractive, although I was attracted to him. My ego is very damaged and I need to stop placing so much of my self worth on men finding me physically desirable. But I had been feeling invisible as a 46 year old mom even though I am attractive.

 

Although my marriage is stale/boring, I have kids, a comfortable life, and my husband is a good person. I am not ready to upend all of our worlds.

 

I know I sound flippant and self absorbed...that's how I feel right now. I'm working on getting myself to a better place.

 

Yup, that is how mine was. He was over the top from the beginning -always the one to pursue me and talk about the future. We talked about what school my kids would go to, where we would live, my last name becoming his last name, our future wedding- you name it we talked about it. The only difference was to me it was real but to him it was fantasy. When the going got tough - well he got going. Sometimes realizing your affair wasn't as special as you thought it was (thanks LS) is the first step to waking up and letting it go.

 

I am married too and convinced myself all of this was okay- because my marriage sucked and i deserved happiness right? - oh we WS's convince ourselves of some crazy stuff! I am not saying you have to confess to your husband that is very personal to you, but I can tell you that if your marriage sucks then why not do something to change it. If it sucks for you it probably sucks for your husband too. Again, nothing changes if nothing changes.

[HeCantBreakMe]

If some super attractive guy approached you and made a run at you sexually as a married woman you would shoot him down, or even if he became too friendly you would throw up walls before anything inappropriate happened.

 

However with an unattractive married man there is no attraction so no danger in a married woman mind. Because there is a lack of attraction there is no walls. You allow yourself to be totally open and honest with no expectations. Then one day boom, there is a change and suddenly there is something there you can't explain or understand.

 

Attraction for woman is conditional, after the initial attraction or not, it's driven by how the man makes her feel above how he looks.

 

It's also the reason wives lose attraction for their husbands.

 

BAM, I think you nailed it and wow thank you this makes so much more sense. Honestly, I am approached by attractive men all the time and you are right just shrug it off (roll my eyes annoyed) laugh with my friends, and move on. But with him there were no walls it was just friendship - or so I thought.

 

Midnight, I am 33 was 32 at the time of this so it isn't just women in their 40's.

 

Thanks DKT3 this actually helps me in my own boundary issues.

[sandylee1]

He paid you attention.

Made you feel special.

Made you feel wanted.

Ignited the passion in you.

Got you excited.

Gave the hot and heavy sex talk and what he'd love to do with you.

 

 

You don't get that every day in a long term relationship or marriage.

 

When you have a guy calling you 'Princess', 'Sweetie', 'Precious', 'Angel' and how you light up his day and make him feel like a teenager again ..... it's very easy to fall for.

 

 

But reality is .... he knows it's not worth his risking his real life for. This is an escape and a bit of excitement.

 

For a less attractive guy, he has to love bomb you to get you interested, or why would you bother if he didn't appear to worship you.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I am just lucky, I hit the jackpot with all the bad qualities.

 

LOL, lottery ticket next? It's okay i would have preferred performance issues over him being good in bed. Makes it harder (no pun intended) to move on.

[MidnightBlue1980]

If some super attractive guy approached you and made a run at you sexually as a married woman you would shoot him down, or even if he became too friendly you would throw up walls before anything inappropriate happened.

 

However with an unattractive married man there is no attraction so no danger in a married woman mind. Because there is a lack of attraction there is no wall. You allow yourself to be totally open and honest with no expectations. Then one day soon, there is a change and suddenly there is something there you can't explain or understand.

 

Attraction for woman is conditional, after the initial attraction or not, it's driven by how the man makes her feel above how he looks.

 

It's also the reason wives lose attraction for their husbands.

 

That is true. My husband is tall, fit and attractive but I fell for a troll. Maybe hot guys don't hit on married women. My H went with a 26 year old single woman who was pretty attractive.

 

In hindsight, I remember one time xMM saying he loved the times we went to lunch or dinner because as we walked through the restaurant, people looked at him because he was with me. This was before anything happened and it's always stuck in my mind.

 

Interesting.

[HeCantBreakMe]

That is true. My husband is tall, fit and attractive but I fell for a troll. Maybe hot guys don't hit on married women. My H went with a 26 year old single woman who was pretty attractive.

 

In hindsight, I remember one time xMM saying he loved the times we went to lunch or dinner because as we walked through the restaurant, people looked at him because he was with me. This was before anything happened and it's always stuck in my mind.

 

Interesting.

 

LOL wow I feel like you are typing my story. My husband is mixed with beautiful skin and a FULL head of hair. He is also tall and muscular - MM well not so much. But he said the same thing about LOVING having me on his arm because of how people looked at him.

[MidnightBlue1980]

BAM, I think you nailed it and wow thank you this makes so much more sense. Honestly, I am approached by attractive men all the time and you are right just shrug it off (roll my eyes annoyed) laugh with my friends, and move on. But with him there were no walls it was just friendship - or so I thought.

 

Midnight, I am 33 was 32 at the time of this so it isn't just women in their 40's.

 

Thanks DKT3 this actually helps me in my own boundary issues.

 

Enjoy it. Hot guys in their 40s look at the 20 year olds. And the uglies treat you bad anyway. No one wants you in your 40s, no matter how hot you are except maybe 20 year old guys, for sex.

 

If you are 33 now, figure it out so you are not alone in your 40s. Just being honest. I know many women in their 40s. Its not good out there.

[Chica80]

If some super attractive guy approached you and made a run at you sexually as a married woman you would shoot him down, or even if he became too friendly you would throw up walls before anything inappropriate happened.

 

However with an unattractive married man there is no attraction so no danger in a married woman mind. Because there is a lack of attraction there is no walls. You allow yourself to be totally open and honest with no expectations. Then one day boom, there is a change and suddenly there is something there you can't explain or understand.

 

Attraction for woman is conditional, after the initial attraction or not, it's driven by how the man makes her feel above how he looks.

 

It's also the reason wives lose attraction for their husbands.

 

Interesting post....something to ponder.

When I met ex, I was not attracted to him at all. This is not rewriting history as I've said way before A, and even in "good times"...over time he "won me over" as I thought he was a good guy so calm and never "angry."

 

AP is not short fat and balding. He's handsome. Not my type. But I was attracted to him. Mostly his personality who he is. I admire him his work etc.....so when he first made his attraction known one night over drinks. I was shocked as this was not who I thought he was at all.

[MidnightBlue1980]

LOL wow I feel like you are typing my story. My husband is mixed with beautiful skin and a FULL head of hair. He is also tall and muscular - MM well not so much. But he said the same thing about LOVING having me on his arm because of how people looked at him.

 

My H has all his hair too, and wakes with a hard on. (can I say that?) meanwhile it takes a herculean effort for mm to get hard every other day.

 

My advice is to do as I did. Grieve but let it go and hold on to the man you have - because trust me, another woman will grab him in a second.

[HeCantBreakMe]

My H has all his hair too, and wakes with a hard on. (can I say that?) meanwhile it takes a herculean effort for mm to get hard every other day.

 

My advice is to do as I did. Grieve but let it go and hold on to the man you have - because trust me, another woman will grab him in a second.

 

Yes, someone would scoop him up quickly. Thanks Midnight. and I am LOL at your xMM's ummm 'issues' . Poor guy - he sounds like such a big 'softie'. LOL okay , i will stop.

[Chica80]

Yes, someone would scoop him up quickly. Thanks Midnight. and I am LOL at your xMM's ummm 'issues' . Poor guy - he sounds like such a big 'softie'. LOL okay , i will stop.

 

Hahaha....nice!

[Midlifecrisis1]

Midnightblue....your posts are great. I wish we could all post pictures of our xMM for critique! Mine is bald, and not in a cool way...not Bruce Willis bald, think Peter Boyle bald! He is overweight too...and...he has quite a small penis! He was very insecure about it. He has resented his wife for making a comment about it years ago. He could perform, over and over, but it never felt truly truly hard. He did aim to please me though. And he worshipped me and treated me like a goddess!

 

Dkt3, I will disagree with your theory on why attractive women have affairs with schlubby men. In my case, it made me feel powerful and sexy. I totally had the upper hand (until he ended it ironically). Guess it serves me right. I knew I was sexier than his wife and he was so much more into me, so there was a competitive aspect to it as well. All stems from my insecurity and putting all of my self worth into my appearance. I am a highly educated woman, funny, witty, etc...and I feel like I'm nothing if men don't want me more than others. It's awful. My husband is a handsome successful doctor. But he doesn't dote on me the way xMM did.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Sandy lee, you hit the nail on the head

 

 

Hecantbreakme, it sounds like our xMMs followed the same affair rule book to sweep us into their fantasy world

[DKT3]

Midnightblue....your posts are great. I wish we could all post pictures of our xMM for critique! Mine is bald, and not in a cool way...not Bruce Willis bald, think Peter Boyle bald! He is overweight too...and...he has quite a small penis! He was very insecure about it. He has resented his wife for making a comment about it years ago. He could perform, over and over, but it never felt truly truly hard. He did aim to please me though. And he worshipped me and treated me like a goddess!

 

Dkt3, I will disagree with your theory on why attractive women have affairs with schlubby men. In my case, it made me feel powerful and sexy. I totally had the upper hand (until he ended it ironically). Guess it serves me right. I knew I was sexier than his wife and he was so much more into me, so there was a competitive aspect to it as well. All stems from my insecurity and putting all of my self worth into my appearance. I am a highly educated woman, funny, witty, etc...and I feel like I'm nothing if men don't want me more than others. It's awful. My husband is a handsome successful doctor. But he doesn't dote on me the way xMM did.

 

Not really what I'm saying, it's more about setting boundaries and putting up walls to protect your marriage. If there is no attraction then there is no danger so no hard boundaries.

 

My wife's affair was also about control, I'm 6' 4" 245 pounds and pretty muscular built, deep voice and very much alpha. My wife is also alpha. Her AP was a skinny short wimpy guy who was basically her gopher boy. He was single, and pretty good looking, but very easy for her to control. He dedicated he life to her while I traveled upwards of 275 days a year.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnightblue....your posts are great. I wish we could all post pictures of our xMM for critique! Mine is bald, and not in a cool way...not Bruce Willis bald, think Peter Boyle bald! He is overweight too...and...he has quite a small penis! He was very insecure about it. He has resented his wife for making a comment about it years ago. He could perform, over and over, but it never felt truly truly hard. He did aim to please me though. And he worshipped me and treated me like a goddess!

 

Dkt3, I will disagree with your theory on why attractive women have affairs with schlubby men. In my case, it made me feel powerful and sexy. I totally had the upper hand (until he ended it ironically). Guess it serves me right. I knew I was sexier than his wife and he was so much more into me, so there was a competitive aspect to it as well. All stems from my insecurity and putting all of my self worth into my appearance. I am a highly educated woman, funny, witty, etc...and I feel like I'm nothing if men don't want me more than others. It's awful. My husband is a handsome successful doctor. But he doesn't dote on me the way xMM did.

 

These ugly guys dote on us but deep down they feel they belong with their equivalent. Water seeks its own level. Your handsome doctor husband does not feel he has to try as hard. It is the same reason men like fat girls, they feel their low self confidence make them better wives and better in bed, more doting and they will never leave them. xmm said as much.

 

I also felt powerful and sexy, esc since he had never had a BJ (at 46) but in the end, it was me who got used. Stupid. He chose the woman who he said was a mistake and found his 5 inch member gross. And same here, never fully hard. Trust me, you don't want a life with that. Mr. Softee is fine in a truck but not in your bed.

 

Here's what I say to you Midlifecrisis, and yes I am 44 now and recently blond, Paleo and all that mid like crisis stuff so I get you (!!) Tell your husband what you need and you want him to do. He's yours. Embrace that. If you feel something lacking from your life - find it but not in a loser guy - find it in yourself.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Not really what I'm saying, it's more about setting boundaries and putting up walls to protect your marriage. If there is no attraction then there is no danger so no hard boundaries.

 

My wife's affair was also about control, I'm 6' 4" 245 pounds and pretty muscular built, deep voice and very much alpha. My wife is also alpha. Her AP was a skinny short wimpy guy who was basically her gopher boy. He was single, and pretty good looking, but very easy for her to control. He dedicated he life to her while I traveled upwards of 275 days a year.

 

Do you recognize your own part in her affair? Have you changed?