XMM seems angry at me even though he ended it [updated]

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Dkt3, I will disagree with your theory on why attractive women have affairs with schlubby men. In my case, it made me feel powerful and sexy. I totally had the upper hand (until he ended it ironically). Guess it serves me right. I knew I was sexier than his wife and he was so much more into me, so there was a competitive aspect to it as well. All stems from my insecurity and putting all of my self worth into my appearance. I am a highly educated woman, funny, witty, etc...and I feel like I'm nothing if men don't want me more than others. It's awful. My husband is a handsome successful doctor. But he doesn't dote on me the way xMM did.

 

I could have written your post btw. And my H knows my need for attention. He's sitting on a chair right now watching TV in my office while I work. He's not so different though. Are any of us really? Don't we all just want to be loved with abandon?

[ladydesigner]

It's just strange to me that it meant more to me than to him...he was the one who was so over the top with his emotions and his actions and I was not that way. Physically, he is not even attractive, although I was attracted to him. My ego is very damaged and I need to stop placing so much of my self worth on men finding me physically desirable. But I had been feeling invisible as a 46 year old mom even though I am attractive.

 

Although my marriage is stale/boring, I have kids, a comfortable life, and my husband is a good person. I am not ready to upend all of our worlds.

 

I know I sound flippant and self absorbed...that's how I feel right now. I'm working on getting myself to a better place.

 

They are over the top so they can convince the woman to get what they want... in their pants!

[ladydesigner]

My xMM ended things about 2.5 months ago after a 4 month affair. I am married as well. We both have children and live in the same town. We did not end out of any bad feelings or DDay. Just the stress and anxiety became too much, he had neglected his business and was irritable with his family because he was so focused on me. He reached the point where he realized that he came very close to destroying everything. It wasn't like that for me though. I was heartbroken. Had never felt so alive, just so much feeling...and then he cut it off.

 

I spiraled into a deep depression. Told my husband that it was because i was bored and lonely and needed for us to have more of an emotional connection. but i was in so much pain missing xMM. i cried every day. i hardly ate. went to therapy 2x per week. never felt like i would intentionally harm myself, but had thoughts that if something happened to me, it might not be so bad.

 

I've now been on Lexapro for a few weeks and although i think about him all the time, i don't feel the pain. but the weird thing is that i'm not sure it's a good thing. i'm scared that i will never have those alive feelings again. that i'm just deadened by the drug and will just go through the motions in life.

 

a poster in another thread used the analogy about carrying a bag of rocks around and how you get used to the weight/pain of it. that when you put the bag down, you actually feel like something is missing, so you go and pick up the bag of rocks. until one day, you put it down and forget about it and walk away. i may be in the 2nd stage of that story...i'm so used to the pain, that i feel like something is missing without it.

 

I also don't want my feelings to disappear because then i feel like what xMM and i had was just immature, teenage fantasy stuff...that it was silly. it didn't feel silly. but when i think back on the things he said to me, maybe it was...so much future faking on his part, like it was just going all be perfect once we left our spouses. he had said whenever i was ready i should let him know so we can make a move. wrote me love letters. couldn't get enough of me. it was all fake? that makes me sad.

 

This is really sad, so essentially your BS thinks all this crying is because you are lonely? If you do have a Dday your WH will remember this time while you cried over your AP.

[ladydesigner]

That is true. My husband is tall, fit and attractive but I fell for a troll. Maybe hot guys don't hit on married women. My H went with a 26 year old single woman who was pretty attractive.

 

In hindsight, I remember one time xMM saying he loved the times we went to lunch or dinner because as we walked through the restaurant, people looked at him because he was with me. This was before anything happened and it's always stuck in my mind.

 

Interesting.

 

I don't know both my xAP and my WH's xAP were lower on the looks scale and success if I had to compare. I think me and my WH both chose AP's that we felt 'safe' with like DKT3 mentioned.

[HeCantBreakMe]

These ugly guys dote on us but deep down they feel they belong with their equivalent. Water seeks its own level. Your handsome doctor husband does not feel he has to try as hard. It is the same reason men like fat girls, they feel their low self confidence make them better wives and better in bed, more doting and they will never leave them. xmm said as much.

 

I also felt powerful and sexy, esc since he had never had a BJ (at 46) but in the end, it was me who got used. Stupid. He chose the woman who he said was a mistake and found his 5 inch member gross. And same here, never fully hard. Trust me, you don't want a life with that. Mr. Softee is fine in a truck but not in your bed.

 

Here's what I say to you Midlifecrisis, and yes I am 44 now and recently blond, Paleo and all that mid like crisis stuff so I get you (!!) Tell your husband what you need and you want him to do. He's yours. Embrace that. If you feel something lacking from your life - find it but not in a loser guy - find it in yourself.

 

I like that -water seeks its own level. I felt powerful and sexy too. I was higher up on the scale then him and he knew it .. I sense a theme.

[malvern99]

Although my marriage is stale/boring, I have kids, a comfortable life, and my husband is a good person. I am not ready to upend all of our worlds.

 

By your own admission, their worlds have already been upended. They've noticed the changes in you and are paying the price for your affair now, they just don't know why. You just happen to be the only person privileged enough to know why, but you are unwilling to give them the gift of truth. That is up to you, but if the shoe were on the other foot, then I am sure you would feel you deserved the respect to know the truth. If you agree with that, then give him the respect he is due as the father of your children. You may not respect him as a husband or as a person, but the least he deserves is the truth so he can make the best decisions for himself with all the relevant information.

 

Don't you think your reasoning to stay in your stale marriage is a little manipulative?

[DKT3]

Do you recognize your own part in her affair? Have you changed?

 

I played absolutely no role in her affair, it was her affair something she did totally separate from me. She owns that, and has never really blamed me.

 

Anyone that read our story here would see I claimed and owned that I was less then idea as a husband, a divorce I earned, and upon reflection I could have understand had she gone that route, but an affair is a different animal altogether, and no one deserves to be betrayed and made a fool of in that manner.

 

Yes my career path changed, but it was after I divorced her and done so that I could spend time with my babies. Should have done it before, but I'm only human.

[ladydesigner]

I played absolutely no role in her affair, it was her affair something she did totally separate from me. She owns that, and has never really blamed me.

 

Anyone that read our story here would see I claimed and owned that I was less then idea as a husband, a divorce I earned, and upon reflection I could have understand had she gone that route, but an affair is a different animal altogether, and no one deserves to be betrayed and made a fool of in that manner.

 

Yes my career path changed, but it was after I divorced her and done so that I could spend time with my babies.

 

Exactly!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I like that -water seeks its own level. I felt powerful and sexy too. I was higher up on the scale then him and he knew it .. I sense a theme.

 

I didn't want to say anything too rude and insult readers. But yes, I'm tall, educated, attractive and I look good as does my husband. xmm basically admitted (as did others in my past) that by being with me, he thought it would rub off on him.

 

I never understood what "it" was. I have good genetics but I'm hardly Angelina Jolie. I have a business but it's hardly a million dollar show.

 

Then again, even Jolie is getting divorced. Maybe its a backlash.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I played absolutely no role in her affair, it was her affair something she did totally separate from me. She owns that, and has never really blamed me.

 

Anyone that read our story here would see I claimed and owned that I was less then idea as a husband, a divorce I earned, and upon reflection I could have understand had she gone that route, but an affair is a different animal altogether, and no one deserves to be betrayed and made a fool of in that manner.

 

Yes my career path changed, but it was after I divorced her and done so that I could spend time with my babies. Should have done it before, but I'm only human.

 

I'm really surprised you say that. By your own admission, you were gone the majority of the year, year after year, yet you say you had no part to play in her affair? How many years were you gone for your job?

[HeCantBreakMe]

I didn't want to say anything too rude and insult readers. But yes, I'm tall, educated, attractive and I look good as does my husband. xmm basically admitted (as did others in my past) that by being with me, he thought it would rub off on him.

 

I never understood what "it" was. I have good genetics but I'm hardly Angelina Jolie. I have a business but it's hardly a million dollar show.

 

Then again, even Jolie is getting divorced. Maybe its a backlash.

 

So This seems to be what I am sensing. Beautiful woman who has placed a lot of her self worth on how men see her/chase her gets married has kids maybe doesn't feel as good about herself because she is a mom and not out where men constantly tell her how beautiful she is.. husband gets busy and marriage gets a bit stale. (Of course many other complications here) enter married man- and meet woman with bad boundaries who sees not attractive man as no threat. 'Mm works hard to get in pants saying all the things she didn't realize she wanted/needed to hear and since she feels poweful and more attractive she thinks she is controlling the situation- I mean come on how could this bald guy play us right??

 

There are or course many other levels and complications but this seems to be the underlying theme .

[malvern99]

This thread has taken an interesting turn. I'm curious because I dealt with this to some extent. If you weren't initially attracted to your AP's, what was the catalyst that pushed you down the slippery slope. Was it sudden or was it gradual? Were you more attracted to the power you held in that situation than to the actual person? My wife told me she was drawn to her AP because she knew she had the power position in that situation. That was part of the allure she says, plus the fact that her AP always had time for her. Just curious.

[HeCantBreakMe]

This thread has taken an interesting turn. I'm curious because I dealt with this to some extent. If you weren't initially attracted to your AP's, what was the catalyst that pushed you down the slippery slope. Was it sudden or was it gradual? Were you more attracted to the power you held in that situation than to the actual person? My wife told me she was drawn to her AP because she knew she had the power position in that situation. That was part of the allure she says, plus the fact that her AP always had time for her. Just curious.

 

For me it was very gradual I knew him for years before anything even started in my mind. I can't tell you what the turning point was. I just remember getting closer and closer to him and then the attraction followed. He mad me feel

Sexy and wanted and I thrived on the power I felt I had over him because of how much he wanted me. It is odd to see how much of a pattern this is for others... very very odd.

[DKT3]

I'm really surprised you say that. By your own admission, you were gone the majority of the year, year after year, yet you say you had no part to play in her affair? How many years were you gone for your job?

 

Not to overwhelm this thread I'll keep this short. My career took me all over the world, the company supplied monies to bring my wife along. So her life was no bad, she would fly to Miami one week then Germany two weeks later. Back home to Texas then off to New York. Her first therapist made the comment that she was having an affair with her husband, many women would love that life. She has never had an issue with with our relationship, we are and always have been amazing together. But her issues were rooted in feeling she was alone in that I allowed her total freedom in running our day to day life including all financial matters. When I was home I wanted to spend my time with her and the kids and not the mundane things of daily life.

 

When I took the position it was supposed to be two years, her affair started shortly after that time, I stayed with that company a total of five or so. Her affair started after the second year. I

 

She felt like a single mom, I understand that, she communicated her dislike of the situation, and I took it for granted, and delayed, again not a great husband.

 

Her affair was a one night stand after i missed my plane home for a big event she had. I rented a car drove 11 hours to spend a few hour with her before I had to fly out again. Unknown to me she had just slept with another man. Several months pasted with no contact when they reconnected as "friends". It wasn't a very sexual affair only a handful of times was there actually sex.

 

I own that I was not a great husband, hell not even a decent one. But I loved her. I simply will not accept responsibility for how she chose to deal with it.

[HeCantBreakMe]

By your own admission, their worlds have already been upended. They've noticed the changes in you and are paying the price for your affair now, they just don't know why. You just happen to be the only person privileged enough to know why, but you are unwilling to give them the gift of truth. That is up to you, but if the shoe were on the other foot, then I am sure you would feel you deserved the respect to know the truth. If you agree with that, then give him the respect he is due as the father of your children. You may not respect him as a husband or as a person, but the least he deserves is the truth so he can make the best decisions for himself with all the relevant information.

 

Don't you think your reasoning to stay in your stale marriage is a little manipulative?

 

I agree with Malvern. When I was in your position it would annoy me when people on here would say to tell my husband. I wanted to but never really thought I could do it. I did and it was really the only true choice I had. He deserves a choice in your marriage dont take that away because of what you think he should or shouldn't know- that is dehumanizing him , something you have done mentally for too long now.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This thread has taken an interesting turn. I'm curious because I dealt with this to some extent. If you weren't initially attracted to your AP's, what was the catalyst that pushed you down the slippery slope. Was it sudden or was it gradual? Were you more attracted to the power you held in that situation than to the actual person? My wife told me she was drawn to her AP because she knew she had the power position in that situation. That was part of the allure she says, plus the fact that her AP always had time for her. Just curious.

 

i knew him for years, zero attraction. The catalyst was him texting me that he loved me, had been in love with me for years and then asking for my help with his health issues. He said repeatedly how he couldn't believe I cared about him. This was before it started and it was one part him chasing me with utter devotion and attention and one part me feeling in total power.

 

Now I see all a ploy.

[gettingstronger]

So This seems to be what I am sensing. Beautiful woman who has placed a lot of her self worth on how men see her/chase her gets married has kids maybe doesn't feel as good about herself because she is a mom and not out where men constantly tell her how beautiful she is.. husband gets busy and marriage gets a bit stale. (Of course many other complications here) enter married man- and meet woman with bad boundaries who sees not attractive man as no threat. 'Mm works hard to get in pants saying all the things she didn't realize she wanted/needed to hear and since she feels poweful and more attractive she thinks she is controlling the situation- I mean come on how could this bald guy play us right??

 

There are or course many other levels and complications but this seems to be the underlying theme .

 

 

You weren't done in by a bald guy, you were done in because you're insecure. You need to address that or you'll remain vulnerable which isn't a healthy place to be.

 

Do you have friends and relationships that feed your soul? Maybe I'm just a hippy from Colorado, but having a healthy soul and a clear mind is a gift and the key to being a better person. I lost that for a bit after dday and found it to be one of the worst things ever. Looking around, comparing myself to others, needing to feel better than another, external validation being my main source of worth was just draining.

 

If you're not in therapy or don't know how to strengthen yourself on the inside, that should be your top priority.

[SeenNotHeard]

The direction of the thread has taken a very interesting spin. Gulp, I certainly feel some commonality in the expression of whys and hows. For myself, I do believe my insecurity about getting older with my looks dwindling and feeling undesirable I allowed it to get the better of me and I selfishly invited a whole world of upset and a big heaping of self-doubt. Concerning my mm I normally wouldn't have given him a second look. Ouch reality check received.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I became attracted to my xMM because he was so warm and caring towards my son...he was coaching basketball (these are 9 year olds). He emailed me to tell me how much he loved coaching him because of his great attitude etc. then he chose my son for his baseball team. My husband is pretty hard on my son when it comes to sports but xMM was so gentle and caring.

[HeCantBreakMe]

You weren't done in by a bald guy, you were done in because you're insecure. You need to address that or you'll remain vulnerable which isn't a healthy place to be.

 

Do you have friends and relationships that feed your soul? Maybe I'm just a hippy from Colorado, but having a healthy soul and a clear mind is a gift and the key to being a better person. I lost that for a bit after dday and found it to be one of the worst things ever. Looking around, comparing myself to others, needing to feel better than another, external validation being my main source of worth was just draining.

 

If you're not in therapy or don't know how to strengthen yourself on the inside, that should be your top priority.

 

OH I totally understand i wasn't done in by a bald guy it was 100% my own insecurity and what i wanted/needed to hear. Yes, in therapy thank goodness and working on myself is a top priority some say it should be my husband and marriage and that is up there on the list but because i lost so much of myself to this affair- honestly feels like i lost myself before this affair even happened- I have to figure out who i am.

 

I didn't use to be into all the clear mind business until the affair happened. Now i am all about living in the moment, breathing techniques, feelings, and clearing our minds.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I became attracted to my xMM because he was so warm and caring towards my son...he was coaching basketball (these are 9 year olds). He emailed me to tell me how much he loved coaching him because of his great attitude etc. then he chose my son for his baseball team. My husband is pretty hard on my son when it comes to sports but xMM was so gentle and caring.

 

So my question for you MC1 is what are you going to do when he comes crawling back- because he will. When he decides okay, marriage is stable again, and i am getting that itch- where is MC1 ? He will contact you and what will you do?

[Chica80]

very interesting turn of events on this thread.....

[Midlifecrisis1]

He can't break me, I really don't think he will come back. I actually don't think he is the cheating type...couldn't handle the idea of losing his kids 50% and he is just a plain simple family guy who never experienced real passion until me. I think he can't believe what he did. If he did try, I'd like to think that I would remember how painful this has been and never put myself through it again. And I hope that I will be in a secure loving place with my husband. I will hopefully have added fulfillment in my life through getting back into the working world/volunteering, keeping up with my IC...And I'm assuming that I will look at xMM and say, "holy ****...what was I thinking?!"

[Midlifecrisis1]

Sunshine, isn't this a more fun thread than when I started it? Sometimes it's therapeutic to just bash the xMM for the most shallow of reasons. Obviously many of us are perplexed by the notion of "how can HE dump ME?"

[malvern99]

I became attracted to my xMM because he was so warm and caring towards my son...he was coaching basketball (these are 9 year olds). He emailed me to tell me how much he loved coaching him because of his great attitude etc. then he chose my son for his baseball team. My husband is pretty hard on my son when it comes to sports but xMM was so gentle and caring.

 

I hate to be "that guy", but he likely emailed you to feel you out... take your temperature in a sense. He'd probably sensed your vulnerability through your interactions with him prior to the email, and like a predator, he singled you out and separated you from the herd. I'd bet money he wasn't emailing every parent. That vulnerability and insecurity is easy to pick up on if one knows what to look for.

 

I hope you don't think you did your son any favors by choosing to have an affair with this man. Nothing could be further from the truth. I would bet your BH being hard on your son comes from a place of love. The world ain't got no time for soft men. It chews them up and spits them out. I hated my dad growing up because he was hard on me. I understand why he was like that now that I have some life experience and children of my own, and I love him for how he shaped me in my formative years. It wasn't because he was some mean ol cuss who was harsh for the sake of being harsh. It was because he loved me and wanted me to be the best version of me he could mold.

 

Have you voiced your concerns to your BH about being hard on your son?