XMM seems angry at me even though he ended it [updated]

[Chica80]

Sunshine, isn't this a more fun thread than when I started it? Sometimes it's therapeutic to just bash the xMM for the most shallow of reasons. Obviously many of us are perplexed by the notion of "how can HE dump ME?"

 

Haha...yes...Very fun!!! Sadly I can't say the same of mine. I don't think he "affaired down" or I he, but I am very very different from his wife. As is he from xH.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Sunshine, isn't this a more fun thread than when I started it? Sometimes it's therapeutic to just bash the xMM for the most shallow of reasons. Obviously many of us are perplexed by the notion of "how can HE dump ME?"

 

LOL, a little bashing and a giggle here and there can be helpful. But when it comes down to it I really have to look myself in the mirror and know that though MM may not have been the greatest looking man on the outside I sure have been pretty darn ugly on the inside. It's a lot easier to change our outside appearance than it is to change what is going on within.

 

I am guessing he is sitting around on another site like this one bashing me for being the monster I was.

[Chica80]

I hate to be "that guy", but he likely emailed you to feel you out... take your temperature in a sense. He'd probably sensed your vulnerability through your interactions with him prior to the email, and like a predator, he singled you out and separated you from the herd. I'd bet money he wasn't emailing every parent. That vulnerability and insecurity is easy to pick up on if one knows what to look for.

 

Probably true...It's all a numbers game...you throw enough "bait out there" eventually one will "bite", they say no you move on to the next one..

[Chica80]

LOL, a little bashing and a giggle here and there can be helpful. But when it comes down to it I really have to look myself in the mirror and know that though MM may not have been the greatest looking man on the outside I sure have been pretty darn ugly on the inside. It's a lot easier to change our outside appearance than it is to change what is going on within.

 

I am guessing he is sitting around on another site like this one bashing me for being the monster I was.

 

very true...HCBM

[malvern99]

He can't break me, I really don't think he will come back. I actually don't think he is the cheating type...couldn't handle the idea of losing his kids 50% and he is just a plain simple family guy who never experienced real passion until me. "

 

MLC1, you owe me a new keyboard. I was drinking some beer when I read the "I actually don't think he is the cheating type" line, and now it's all over my keyboard. :lmao:.

 

Hopefully one day, you will look back at that line and wonder, "What the f*ck was I thinking to be able to believe that mess". The same goes for the uniqueness of the passion. Are you sure you are the first parent he has messed around with, and if you are sure, why are you so sure?

[gettingstronger]

OH I totally understand i wasn't done in by a bald guy it was 100% my own insecurity and what i wanted/needed to hear. Yes, in therapy thank goodness and working on myself is a top priority some say it should be my husband and marriage and that is up there on the list but because i lost so much of myself to this affair- honestly feels like i lost myself before this affair even happened- I have to figure out who i am.

 

I didn't use to be into all the clear mind business until the affair happened. Now i am all about living in the moment, breathing techniques, feelings, and clearing our minds.

 

 

Yep, you really can't heal your marriage until you've healed yourself. Of course you can work on your marriage, but without working on you, you could slip again.

 

I've always been in to healthy mind and spirit and I did lose that right after dday.

There's no way we could be reconciling if I was still that competitive, needing validation, out to get mine kinda person I was for those 6 months or so.

 

It's cliche, but namaste.

[HeCantBreakMe]

MLC1, you owe me a new keyboard. I was drinking some beer when I read the "I actually don't think he is the cheating type" line, and now it's all over my keyboard. :lmao:.

 

Hopefully one day, you will look back at that line and wonder, "What the f*ck was I thinking to be able to believe that mess". The same goes for the uniqueness of the passion. Are you sure you are the first parent he has messed around with, and if you are sure, why are you so sure?

 

I kind of agree with this. Part of me believes his wife was getting suspicious rather than him being this great guy who just couldn't handle the guilt. Maybe he is different but as you can tell many of these things run in such a pattern that chances are it wasn't his guilt that made him stop.

[gettingstronger]

MLC1, you owe me a new keyboard. I was drinking some beer when I read the "I actually don't think he is the cheating type" line, and now it's all over my keyboard. :lmao:.

 

Hopefully one day, you will look back at that line and wonder, "What the f*ck was I thinking to be able to believe that mess". The same goes for the uniqueness of the passion. Are you sure you are the first parent he has messed around with, and if you are sure, why are you so sure?

 

 

Sadly, some youth coaches are just that- they have a Mom for every season. Ick!

[DKT3]

He can't break me, I really don't think he will come back. I actually don't think he is the cheating type...couldn't handle the idea of losing his kids 50% and he is just a plain simple family guy who never experienced real passion until me. I think he can't believe what he did. If he did try, I'd like to think that I would remember how painful this has been and never put myself through it again. And I hope that I will be in a secure loving place with my husband. I will hopefully have added fulfillment in my life through getting back into the working world/volunteering, keeping up with my IC...And I'm assuming that I will look at xMM and say, "holy ****...what was I thinking?!"

 

Married men more often then not have affairs with convenient women, those they feel are safe. Once the bubble busts or they feel risk they run. My guess is your MM got a scare, if it's true and his wife is on the trail then the odds are good your husband will find out via her.

 

On getting to a better place with BH, not going to happen. You may be able to maintain your marriage with that elephant sleeping between you, but it is now as good as it will be. Your not honest with him, how can you make improvements if your not authentic?

[DKT3]

I kind of agree with this. Part of me believes his wife was getting suspicious rather than him being this great guy who just couldn't handle the guilt. Maybe he is different but as you can tell many of these things run in such a pattern that chances are it wasn't his guilt that made him stop.

 

Ha-ha lady detective....my wife has this ability to spot women who are attracted to me long before I do, always has. I think I would be caught cheating before I started..

[HeCantBreakMe]

MC1- I am going to tell you something that I am just starting to realize. I totally painted my xMM in a good light until recently. Even when I confessed my affair to my husband i was still trying to protect MM even down to grabbing his phone when he wanted to contact MM's BS. Why? Well for a lot of reasons but one being that MM and I were in love and how could any of this be wrong when we were so in love and of course he was just a victim to the love and passion as much as I was. RIGHT?!

 

NONE of that is true and I wanted MM to be a victim of a bad marriage and a great passionate romance with me because as I started to realize who MM truly was at his core- I had to start realizing who I truly was at my core. The pain of this realization has been difficult. I fight with myself daily on seeing him for who he truly is and every bad piece i uncover or shine light on is another piece i shine light on for myself. AND THIS SUCKS but the more I do this the more i am changing - the more i am fighting through this and seeing him, myself, and the affair for what it really was.

 

You still want to make him this great guy when at the end of the day he chose to have an affair over working on his marriage. He chose to hurt his wife and hurt you and hurt himself because he is a coward (look up the definition of coward it fits those in affairs perfectly).

 

I really think until you face him for who he truly is and the affair for what it truly was you will risk going back down the path if/when he comes back for more.

[Chica80]

Married men more often then not have affairs with convenient women, those they feel are safe. Once the bubble busts or they feel risk they run. My guess is your MM got a scare, if it's true and his wife is on the trail then the odds are good your husband will find out via her.

 

On getting to a better place with BH, not going to happen. You may be able to maintain your marriage with that elephant sleeping between you, but it is now as good as it will be. Your not honest with him, how can you make improvements if your not authentic?

 

I've often wondered this myself, for my own situation. If I was "safe" I was married, with children. When MM, then engaged told me he had a "crush" and flirted. He had no idea at the time how things were for me. As I tend to be a very "happy outgoing person" on the outside. Until everything fell apart. I hid my depression and inner turmoils very well.

Who would think it would have turned into all of this. But if he thought I was "safe"...well he definitely got more than he bargained for.

"I'm a lot of work for sex". Most of the time he is not getting any in return.. And I'm def. not the subservient here to please your needs. OW.

[DKT3]

MC1- I am going to tell you something that I am just starting to realize. I totally painted my xMM in a good light until recently. Even when I confessed my affair to my husband i was still trying to protect MM even down to grabbing his phone when he wanted to contact MM's BS. Why? Well for a lot of reasons but one being that MM and I were in love and how could any of this be wrong when we were so in love and of course he was just a victim to the love and passion as much as I was. RIGHT?!

 

NONE of that is true and I wanted MM to be a victim of a bad marriage and a great passionate romance with me because as I started to realize who MM truly was at his core- I had to start realizing who I truly was at my core. The pain of this realization has been difficult. I fight with myself daily on seeing him for who he truly is and every bad piece i uncover or shine light on is another piece i shine light on for myself. AND THIS SUCKS but the more I do this the more i am changing - the more i am fighting through this and seeing him, myself, and the affair for what it really was.

 

You still want to make him this great guy when at the end of the day he chose to have an affair over working on his marriage. He chose to hurt his wife and hurt you and hurt himself because he is a coward (look up the definition of coward it fits those in affairs perfectly).

 

I really think until you face him for who he truly is and the affair for what it truly was you will risk going back down the path if/when he comes back for more.

 

I somewhat agree. But here is the rub. Men simply don't change how they view their wives while in affairs. Of course they sell to MW/OW that he is in a sexless loveless marriage with a horrible wicked witch of the East type.

 

But let's call a fat kid a fat kid and not be PC about it. How many of you MW would let a man have sex with you if he said this "my marriage is decent, my wife is sexy as hell. The sex is amazing I only wish we had it more often. My interest in you is extra, I'm not looking to replace my wife or uproot my life. I never leaving, you will never be my priority, at best you will come in fourth. But let's get a room and see how it goes"

 

Believe it or not, I promise at least half of the mm in your stories are/were thinking this very thing. Men simply want something out if MW/ow and not them as relationship worth. Why would there? They have the faithful loyal safe mother if their children at home. Most men will always bet on safe when given the choice.

[malvern99]

MC1- I am going to tell you something that I am just starting to realize. I totally painted my xMM in a good light until recently. Even when I confessed my affair to my husband i was still trying to protect MM even down to grabbing his phone when he wanted to contact MM's BS. Why? Well for a lot of reasons but one being that MM and I were in love and how could any of this be wrong when we were so in love and of course he was just a victim to the love and passion as much as I was. RIGHT?!

 

NONE of that is true and I wanted MM to be a victim of a bad marriage and a great passionate romance with me because as I started to realize who MM truly was at his core- I had to start realizing who I truly was at my core. The pain of this realization has been difficult. I fight with myself daily on seeing him for who he truly is and every bad piece i uncover or shine light on is another piece i shine light on for myself. AND THIS SUCKS but the more I do this the more i am changing - the more i am fighting through this and seeing him, myself, and the affair for what it really was.

 

You still want to make him this great guy when at the end of the day he chose to have an affair over working on his marriage. He chose to hurt his wife and hurt you and hurt himself because he is a coward (look up the definition of coward it fits those in affairs perfectly).

 

I really think until you face him for who he truly is and the affair for what it truly was you will risk going back down the path if/when he comes back for more.

 

I wish I had more than 1 like to give to this comment. MLC1, read this comment, then read it again and again and again. Advice does not get more golden than this. Let it sink in, then once you've absorbed it, make the best decision for family, not just for yourself. Good luck.

[Midlifecrisis1]

Malvern, sorry about the keyboard! Lol. I guess anything is possible. He could be the cheating type. But he is an overweight bald schlubby guy with a small penis. I just couldn't see it, but anything is possible.

 

And yes, I have spoken seriously to my husband about how he handles our son. I think he will be better next baseball season. He isn't so hardcore about our son's soccer or basketball. Just baseball.

[DKT3]

Malvern, sorry about the keyboard! Lol. I guess anything is possible. He could be the cheating type. But he is an overweight bald schlubby guy with a small penis. I just couldn't see it, but anything is possible.

 

And yes, I have spoken seriously to my husband about how he handles our son. I think he will be better next baseball season. He isn't so hardcore about our son's soccer or basketball. Just baseball.

 

Sometimes as a father we tend to push our sons hard in areas were we came up short. Fearing the will repeat our mistakes or likewise come up short. For you to suggest that this guy was somehow better to your son is all kinds of f-ed up. I'm not sure that was your intent but its how it came off.

[Chica80]

 

But let's call a fat kid a fat kid and not be PC about it. How many of you MW would let a man have sex with you if he said this "my marriage is decent, my wife is sexy as hell. The sex is amazing I only wish we had it more often. My interest in you is extra, I'm not looking to replace my wife or uproot my life. I never leaving, you will never be my priority, at best you will come in fourth. But let's get a room and see how it goes"

QUOTE]

 

This is what I got....

 

I love my fiancé..

I want to get married, if I don't get married now I never will.

I don't know why, I did this.

The reasons don't matter.

This is the worse affair ever (as we didn't have sex)

There is no future for us.

How can I let everyone, my family my parents down. How can I be so selfish when they have sacrificed so much for me.

My family will never accept you. (culture)

How can I keep you on the side, that is unfair to you.

You deserve a full and happy life. Not to be a piece of ass on the side.

I want you to be happy and I can never give you that

You will move on eventually. You won't want to have me in your life one day it won't allow you to have a normal relationship.

No (to sex) this is bad for you. You deserve better....

 

My version...of your comment above

 

the one comment was before *sex....which still is not vey frequent.

Edited October 12, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Chica80]

My point above is no lies....

 

Truths but possibly a different way to pull at heart strings, affection and emotion like you said...

[sandylee1]

MLC1, you owe me a new keyboard. I was drinking some beer when I read the "I actually don't think he is the cheating type" line, and now it's all over my keyboard. :lmao:.

 

Hopefully one day, you will look back at that line and wonder, "What the f*ck was I thinking to be able to believe that mess". The same goes for the uniqueness of the passion. Are you sure you are the first parent he has messed around with, and if you are sure, why are you so sure?

 

Funny as it sounds I know what she means by saying he's not the cheating type. The fact that he couldn't deal with it and broke it off also supports that.

 

I'm not the cheating type, but when a BF of mine cheated and I got back with him, it very much changed my feelings towards him in that regard.

[Miss Clavel]

Lemon drop, it's not that I'm numb, I still get teary and cry in therapy, but I don't feel the pain of not having xMM. The lexapro is necessary at this point because I need to function and take care of my kids while I heal over time.

 

I guess what bothers me is that somehow the healing seems to diminish what we had and I don't want to be diminished to him like I feel. How can something so intense become a distant memory in just a couple of months? How can we have gone from best friends, love of his life, future wife, to literally nothing? Just nothing.

 

No, I won't tell my husband and he won't tell his wife. We are going to carry this secret to our graves. Our marriages are stale and boring, but neither of us is leaving.

 

no, it will not diminish what you had. but time will put everything into perspective and it will become more of a wistful feeling. nostalgia.

 

you will feel happy again. you just need more time. use the time to stop looking back, you are not going that way.

 

put one foot in front of the other and just do the next right thing.

 

the only cure for depression is activity. keep moving.

 

you have children, you have another half of a lifetime to live. start living forward.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I'm Jewish...today is yom kippur, the day we fast and atone for our sins so we can be written into the book of life for another year. I have a lot to atone for this year. Wish me luck!

[Maddieandtae]

Sunshinechica, it's manipulation is what it is. Someone who truly doesn't want an affair wouldn't bother saying all your MM said to you. The person wouldn't put theirselves in any type of compromising position to have to utter these words!

 

I also had an affair, rewrote my part of my marriage to justify what I was doing. Left my husband, divorced and lived with the single ap for almost ten years. It didn't work, the trust wasn't there because we both started as a lie.

 

My marriage was toxic, there was emotional and physical abuse, subtance abuse as well as infidelity. I can remember thinking when I found out my husband had been having an affair, how can this be? All that I put up and endure from him and he's sleeping with someone else! It shook me, I was playing the part of an victim. So I had an affair about two years after he ended his. I did spin words and actions to manipulate how I would appear to the single ap. I truly believe affairs are not because we are unhappy with our partners, we are unhappy with ourselves and are looking for an high that soothes the ache.

 

Doesn't work though because the manipulation to get that high always comes crashing down and hurts all involved

 

QUOTE=Sunshinechica;7085435]My point above is no lies....

 

Truths but possibly a different way to pull at heart strings, affection and emotion like you said...

[BluesPower]

I realize that this thread has taken a turn to the surreal, but I wanted to get to the Original OP if any of it helps, which I probably won't.

 

First, Midlifecrisis1, I wish I could tell you that he really loved you and all the feelings were real. If that were true it would be great, but honestly they really were not. For all the MOW and OW in general, if the MM loved you he would have left everything behind to be with you. I have a little experience with this, and I think I am probably right. Maybe not, who knows.

 

Second, for some reason, the feelings in an affair are so amplified in almost every situation, that it really feels like it is the best thing ever. It always does.

 

Third, I know that you are not talking about your husband very much because you are still grieving the AP and the affair feelings. But at some point you need to think about it. Does he deserve for you out there having the great sex and loving feelings, while he is left with the left-overs?

 

Don't you think that he deserves better? Maybe a woman that actually loves him with some passion? Someone that will be true and loving to him and it will actually care more about him than herself.

 

Don't you deserve to be with someone that you can love with real passion and excitement? Are you just going to say with your husband because it is comfortable and familiar with no real love of passion for him? That may be the most tragic part of your story.

 

I really hope that you will think about what you are looking at and take time to decide if you can really live like this.

 

I do wish you luck with everything...

 

*****************

 

Now for the fun stuff. I guess that I am the only xMM cheater that was honest with my other women. I just think that is so sad that more are not honest and feed all of you wonderful ladies with so much crap.

 

Also, for all you ladies that are 35 to 55, or older, and think because you are older that somehow you are less attractive or something, I think you need to get a grip. Women are sexy at almost any age and I think that a man that does not see that is just a fool, including your husbands.

 

I am 52 now, and while I never tried to dip below 40 there are just so many attractive women in all those ages.

 

And, I dated women above a below me in looks, it really made no difference. If the were not good in the sack we did not see each other after the first time.

 

I am not nearly as pretty as I was when I was younger, but I am not too bad. I am however very talented and charming.

 

I just don't understand why so many women felt the need to fall in love. I told them what it was all about and they still got feelings. That part just sucked when it came time to break it off.

 

Midlifecrisis1, and all of you that are still suffering, I hope you can move on and find a way to happiness either with your husband or with someone that really makes you feel special.

 

 

Good luck to all...

[Midlifecrisis1]

Bluespower, I have read a lot of your posts and while i think your views are often the case, i believe there are many men who really do "fall in love" during an affair as much as it can be for an affair. maybe not true love, but the same feelings that we women are feeling. I don't think all the cheating men are just out for sex. my therapist doesn't think so either.

 

As for my husband, I am re-focusing on him and we are doing better. I don't think it's realistic to believe that after 20 years of marriage, a passionate romantic relationship is sustainable. i think aiming for companionship and comfort with some decent sex thrown in is a pretty realistic goal. We are raising a family. To divorce in the hopes of finding a more passionate relationship is immature and likely will turn into a plain comfortable relationship 10-15 years down the road as well.

 

Yes, I am still partially grieving the loss of the AP. but i'm doing better.

[BluesPower]

Maybe your right, but the fact is men do not fall in love like women do in a lot of these situations. Also, thinking that it was real just makes it worse for you.

 

Next, I am sorry that you feel you cannot have passion in your marriage.

 

But I have to say that when my wife sobered up and woke up, the passion was back. And it needs to be because I will not live any other way.

 

I do you that you and your husband can find the passion again it just sounds so sad to live that way.

 

Good luck...