Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 I think I have to question your motivations here. Your exMM has gone NC and is actively aoiding you, so what better way to get his undivided attention than by threatening to come clean and "tell your husband" all about the affair. That will make xMM sit up and take notice, I'm sure, and the resulting "discussions" around that topic, could just mean the A starts up again... Im not actually thinking of confessing. I have just been wondering if xMM might have confessed to his wife without warning me. We are in the same town/schools. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Im not actually thinking of confessing. I have just been wondering if xMM might have confessed to his wife without warning me. We are in the same town/schools. Well, if he did-he did not notify you- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Im not actually thinking of confessing. I have just been wondering if xMM might have confessed to his wife without warning me. We are in the same town/schools. I would bet he didn't confess. Chances would be higher she found something or got suspicious but a confession from him - my money is on no here. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Im not actually thinking of confessing. I have just been wondering if xMM might have confessed to his wife without warning me. We are in the same town/schools. Well if he does, that's something you'll have to live with. Some choices have consequences and these ones would be huge. But. You knew that when you started the affair on some level. So prepare for it mentally if it happens but otherwise get on with your life 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted December 8, 2016 Author Share Posted December 8, 2016 One year ago I met ex AP as my sons basketball coach, 8 months ago we started our affair as he was his baseball coach, 4 months ago it ended. I still really miss him. He was like my big teddy bear and so huggable and lovable. I still can't get over the fact that he wanted it to end since he had such a quiet crush on me. Basketball starts again tonight so I'm feeling extra sad even though I won't see him this season since he isn't coaching. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 One year ago I met ex AP as my sons basketball coach, 8 months ago we started our affair as he was his baseball coach, 4 months ago it ended. I still really miss him. He was like my big teddy bear and so huggable and lovable. I still can't get over the fact that he wanted it to end since he had such a quiet crush on me. Basketball starts again tonight so I'm feeling extra sad even though I won't see him this season since he isn't coaching. I'm sorry you are sad. It is very hard to get over someone while in a marriage. That is just the cold, hard truth. I imagine it is even worse if it is a nice guy. I know the feeling of being in a same place where the exAP used to be. I guess there is no way to avoid it, I assume your son plays the sport. I assume the xAP will be not involved at all? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 Have you sought any counseling? You need to somehow work through these feelings. Languishing in sorrow is not fair to your children or your marriage. 4 months? That was limerence and fantasy. The reality would have been nothing like the relationship you think you lost. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted December 8, 2016 Author Share Posted December 8, 2016 Have you sought any counseling? You need to somehow work through these feelings. Languishing in sorrow is not fair to your children or your marriage. 4 months? That was limerence and fantasy. The reality would have been nothing like the relationship you think you lost. I am in therapy and on lexapro. I'm much better than I was a couple of months ago. And I know you are right, I keep telling myself that it was limerance, fantasy, nothing and eventually I would have seen the reality. My therapist says I would have chewed him up and spit him out...he was a sweet, corny, emotional guy. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 .he was a sweet, corny, emotional guy. The opposite of your husband. I guess you saw yourself slotting into this guy's life. A great father for your kids and a nice caring bear of a man for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 The opposite of your husband. I guess you saw yourself slotting into this guy's life. A great father for your kids and a nice caring bear of a man for yourself. Exactly. I couldn't have said it more accurately. And he gave me constant adoration, love letters, sent me stupid teddy bears, kissed my toes, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 Exactly. I couldn't have said it more accurately. And he gave me constant adoration, love letters, sent me stupid teddy bears, kissed my toes, etc. Wow. And here I am a year later sad over possibly the worst human being I have ever met. I got a few beers, hummus and trips to CVS for the morning after pill. Love letters, teddy bears, oh my. Did you keep them? I have a bunch of love notes from my husband in a shoe box. I am taking your husband is not the romantic type. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 You ladies realize that affairs aren't about the men you got involved with - but about yourself right? Through therapy has your counselor helped you identify the holes in yourself that you were trying to fill - and given you tools for becoming a complete person? You are mourning something that never was, and would have never been. How is your marriage OP? Are you in live with your husband? Is he in love with you? What is being done to fix the marriage or end it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 You ladies realize that affairs aren't about the men you got involved with - but about yourself right? Through therapy has your counselor helped you identify the holes in yourself that you were trying to fill - and given you tools for becoming a complete person? You are mourning something that never was, and would have never been. How is your marriage OP? Are you in live with your husband? Is he in love with you? What is being done to fix the marriage or end it? I went to therapy for a while but it didn't help and then I lost my job, so I was pretty broke. I am looking into a new therapist but to be honest, my insurance is now $60 a copay and things are tight. Paying someone to listen to this crap is a luxury when I have not paid the electricity or mortgage for December yet. I am aware that I was very unhappy in my marriage for a long time and saw a few things in xmm which I liked and were missing in my marriage, took those things and created an entire person who does not exist. I am aware I am mourning someone who is not real. Those things are actually now present in my marriage, and my marriage is doing much better, but the problem is that even though I know the person I fell for does not exist, it does not help me not feel what I feel. Believe me, I am afraid I will have these feelings for years and it just horrifies me. I don't know what to do to get rid of them. They are all in my head at this point. He's just a ghost now. I can't get over it. It's been a year and I am stuck. I am sad at times. I can't move on. As for my personally, yes I am very familiar with my tendencies and issues. But again, knowing it is all because of things that happened when I was young does not change it or my present reality. I fear being stuck like this forever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 Wow. And here I am a year later sad over possibly the worst human being I have ever met. I got a few beers, hummus and trips to CVS for the morning after pill. Love letters, teddy bears, oh my. Did you keep them? I have a bunch of love notes from my husband in a shoe box. I am taking your husband is not the romantic type. I have one of the letters and the teddy bear is in the back of my closet. The rest of the stuff I threw out. He would send me corny sayings and poems that he would image capture on google and make into an online card. Usually it was about how he dreams of the day that when he wakes up and rolls over in bed, it's me laying next to him. He used to text me after passing by me in his car just saying "wow". How could he just end things? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 (edited) You ladies realize that affairs aren't about the men you got involved with - but about yourself right? Through therapy has your counselor helped you identify the holes in yourself that you were trying to fill - and given you tools for becoming a complete person? You are mourning something that never was, and would have never been. How is your marriage OP? Are you in live with your husband? Is he in love with you? What is being done to fix the marriage or end it? My marriage is ok. My husband is not sexual, kind of repressed. Not emotionally connected. He loves me as much as can love, but it's just not how I envision love. I don't think I'm in love with him. He is perfect on paper, but the connection just isn't there. I'm in therapy and hoping I can rekindle some feelings with my husband. He doesn't know about the affair. Edited December 9, 2016 by Midlifecrisis1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 (edited) I have one of the letters and the teddy bear is in the back of my closet. The rest of the stuff I threw out. He would send me corny sayings and poems that he would image capture on google and make into an online card. Usually it was about how he dreams of the day that when he wakes up and rolls over in bed, it's me laying next to him. He used to text me after passing by me in his car just saying "wow". How could he just end things? Because he is a man and they just are not like us. You are probably attractive and he is not. I would bet his wife is not attractive. You were exciting to him, the kind of girl he never could get. It was a novelty. But then eventually the novelty wore off and he decided to just go back to his boring life. I'm making a wild assumption that you are attractive, in your 40s, in shape, nice hair, you look good. I am that too. Before it actually started, I had dinner with xmm and he told me afterwards that he loved when we had lunch or dinner because people looked at him in the restaurant and he felt special, important, and he never had that with his wife. At the time I thought he was nuts, I don't see anyone looking at me, but now I realize I missed a huge red flag. I was so stupid. These guys....we were just pretty toys to them. It all meant nothing. Edited December 9, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted December 9, 2016 Author Share Posted December 9, 2016 Because he is a man and they just are not like us. You are probably attractive and he is not. I would bet his wife is not attractive. You were exciting to him, the kind of girl he never could get. It was a novelty. But then eventually the novelty wore off and he decided to just go back to his boring life. I'm making a wild assumption that you are attractive, in your 40s, in shape, nice hair, you look good. I am that too. Before it actually started, I had dinner with xmm and he told me afterwards that he loved when we had lunch or dinner because people looked at him in the restaurant and he felt special, important, and he never had that with his wife. At the time I thought he was nuts, I don't see anyone looking at me, but now I realize I missed a huge red flag. I was so stupid. These guys....we were just pretty toys to them. It all meant nothing. You pretty much described me to a tee. And yes, his wife is not attractive at all. How could the excitement of me have worn off so quickly? That hurts my self esteem even more. Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 You pretty much described me to a tee. And yes, his wife is not attractive at all. How could the excitement of me have worn off so quickly? That hurts my self esteem even more. She just described most all of us. It was never about you.. just like your affair was never really about him.i think this is the part we miss but once we accept it then it becomes easier to move on from. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 I have one of the letters and the teddy bear is in the back of my closet. You need to dispose of all of it you know? And that clinging on to these momentos - if you are ever truthful to your husband will be a kick to the gut. Look, I am not trying to put myself on a pedestal, I have that big ol' Scarlet A on my chest. Perhaps it is because I had a D Day. Perhaps it's because I love my husband and I am absolutely humbled by his willingness to try to forgive me.... But I feel like I want to somehow get some sense in your heads! All this self inflicted pain that not only hurts you, but everyone who cares for you. It's time to face reality, which isn't nearly so dismal if you can let go of these fantasies. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 You need to dispose of all of it you know? And that clinging on to these momentos - if you are ever truthful to your husband will be a kick to the gut. Look, I am not trying to put myself on a pedestal, I have that big ol' Scarlet A on my chest. Perhaps it is because I had a D Day. Perhaps it's because I love my husband and I am absolutely humbled by his willingness to try to forgive me.... But I feel like I want to somehow get some sense in your heads! All this self inflicted pain that not only hurts you, but everyone who cares for you. It's time to face reality, which isn't nearly so dismal if you can let go of these fantasies. I know. My H said today that he hates to see me in this pain for a year now and worries I will never recover, be my old self again. I'm forever changed. I often think I may as well be dead, and I say it often, which upsets my husband. I'm not going to do anything, it just feels like my life is over. There is no hope. I can't get out of it because it's all in my head. It's not like I am in an A and seeing him. It was over a year ago. A YEAR! He's been gone a week now, I can only pray it goes away now. Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 I know. My H said today that he hates to see me in this pain for a year now and worries I will never recover, be my old self again. I'm forever changed. I often think I may as well be dead, and I say it often, which upsets my husband. I'm not going to do anything, it just feels like my life is over. There is no hope. I can't get out of it because it's all in my head. It's not like I am in an A and seeing him. It was over a year ago. A YEAR! He's been gone a week now, I can only pray it goes away now. You are forever changed, I can guarantee you that but if it is for bad or good is up to you. I truly feel that in your case your healing was never going to start until you went total NC with xMM. I think in your case still seeing him for that year was pulling you back into those emotions over and over again. Midnight, I have a feeling that you will start to feel better within the next few months. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 You are forever changed, I can guarantee you that but if it is for bad or good is up to you. I truly feel that in your case your healing was never going to start until you went total NC with xMM. I think in your case still seeing him for that year was pulling you back into those emotions over and over again. Midnight, I have a feeling that you will start to feel better within the next few months. I really hope so. My H said June, 6 months. He says this year did not count. In hindsight, it was a bad idea to stay for the year. I'm not exactly sure what I "won" except I will be honest, I'm glad she knows and if I had run, she would not have found out and I'd never have forgiven myself for running. It was a lose lose situation. I feel like I have PTSD from the whole experience. The abuse and manipulation was something else. I am all jittery now and have a lot of anxiety. I can't concentrate or get my work done. Can't sleep well either. Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 I really hope so. My H said June, 6 months. He says this year did not count. In hindsight, it was a bad idea to stay for the year. I'm not exactly sure what I "won" except I will be honest, I'm glad she knows and if I had run, she would not have found out and I'd never have forgiven myself for running. It was a lose lose situation. I feel like I have PTSD from the whole experience. The abuse and manipulation was something else. I am all jittery now and have a lot of anxiety. I can't concentrate or get my work done. Can't sleep well either. You actually may have that. I read it is a common thing after affair discovery but even in your case i think it sounds relevant. I know counseling isn't an option for you right now but i would encourage you to read everything you can get your hands on. Affairs are lose lose- they really truly are. I cannot wait to find another job and be done with this place and MM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted December 10, 2016 Share Posted December 10, 2016 As much as I hurt my main OW she still loves me. And yes I have feelings for that one. Went to lunch today. I just suck. And I know how stupid I am already. Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted December 10, 2016 Share Posted December 10, 2016 As much as I hurt my main OW she still loves me. And yes I have feelings for that one. Went to lunch today. I just suck. And I know how stupid I am already. Blue you went to lunch with the OW?? No no no. You told me the same thing just a few days ago. You can't give her anything else but pain right now, be kind do not rewind! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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