XMM seems angry at me even though he ended it [updated]

[Mrs. John Adams]

As much as I hurt my main OW she still loves me. And yes I have feelings for that one.

 

Went to lunch today. I just suck.

 

And I know how stupid I am already.

 

Stupid is not the first word that came to my mind....

 

What are you thinking????never mind...you aren't thinking at all.

[BluesPower]

You know what Mrs. A, your right.

 

Just realized this week that I am going to have to divorce my wife.

 

I have come to the conclusion that she actually never loved me. It is the only explanation for all the stuff she has put me through.

 

I know she wants to, and she is feeling guilty for not loving me but the fact is that she doesn't.

 

26 years, half of me life wasted. I have been a fool in so many ways.

 

Enough thread jacking for me, sorry OP.

[MidnightBlue1980]

As much as I hurt my main OW she still loves me. And yes I have feelings for that one.

 

Went to lunch today. I just suck.

 

And I know how stupid I am already.

 

I thought you didn't have feelings for her. I certainly do not judge on that, but there is no point in not being honest. We are a bunch of strangers on the internet and there is no point in lying to yourself.

 

I saw your other post about divorcing your wife. I hope you take a page from all of us and do not get involved in an affair while trying to figure out what to do. I believe you have never been divorced. I have and it's really a difficult thing, and mine was only 2 years to this horrible guy. You have been with your wife for decades. It's very important for you to make the decision without another woman in the picture as you need to know you make the decision all on your own.

 

Plus of course the other woman, waiting around for all this time. Don't tell her you are thinking of divorcing. It will only destroy her if you change your mind.

[Mrs. John Adams]

You know what Mrs. A, your right.

 

Just realized this week that I am going to have to divorce my wife.

 

I have come to the conclusion that she actually never loved me. It is the only explanation for all the stuff she has put me through.

 

I know she wants to, and she is feeling guilty for not loving me but the fact is that she doesn't.

 

26 years, half of me life wasted. I have been a fool in so many ways.

 

Enough thread jacking for me, sorry OP.

 

 

I hate to hear this...but you know what is best for you. You have tried...and that's really all any of us can do is try.

 

You have not wasted half of your life...think about the happy times...think about all of the blessings you have received....think about the lessons learned and the experiences shared. Your life is not wasted my friend...unless you decide to waste it...that choice is now yours. You can wallow in self pity...you can harbor anger and revenge...you can place blame...

 

or you can hold your head up...take charge of your life...and be the best you...that you can be.

 

I choose to win...how about you?

 

I do agree with midnight...don't give the ow any false hope....don't build up her dreams that she might have a chance....that's so unfair for her.

 

Best of luck to you in your decisions and I hope you get what you are looking for.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I hate to hear this...but you know what is best for you. You have tried...and that's really all any of us can do is try.

 

You have not wasted half of your life...think about the happy times...think about all of the blessings you have received....think about the lessons learned and the experiences shared. Your life is not wasted my friend...unless you decide to waste it...that choice is now yours. You can wallow in self pity...you can harbor anger and revenge...you can place blame...

 

or you can hold your head up...take charge of your life...and be the best you...that you can be.

 

I choose to win...how about you?

 

I do agree with midnight...don't give the ow any false hope....don't build up her dreams that she might have a chance....that's so unfair for her.

 

Best of luck to you in your decisions and I hope you get what you are looking for.

 

I agree with all of this Blue. You will be okay and you have not wasted anything about your life.

 

Please do not lead the OW on . You cannot offer her anything right now. Take care of your business and yourself and then see what life has to offer.

[Southern Sun]

I really hope so. My H said June, 6 months. He says this year did not count.

 

In hindsight, it was a bad idea to stay for the year. I'm not exactly sure what I "won" except I will be honest, I'm glad she knows and if I had run, she would not have found out and I'd never have forgiven myself for running.

 

It was a lose lose situation. I feel like I have PTSD from the whole experience. The abuse and manipulation was something else. I am all jittery now and have a lot of anxiety. I can't concentrate or get my work done. Can't sleep well either.

 

I agree with this. You would not have been able to heal at all with xMM still around. June is a good estimate. I'm sorry you feel the last year was wasted. Maybe it won't take til June, I don't know. But don't give up hope. Unfortunately I think how you feel is to be expected. But, with that, comes hope that you can get better. What would be scary is if it's been a year with total NC and you still feel as bad as you do.

 

When I worked with xMM is when I started having panic attacks and losing my hair. I was in a dark hole of depression as well as living on the edge of frayed nerves, like a baby without skin. I've never felt that way in my life.

[ladydesigner]

I hope you take a page from all of us and do not get involved in an affair while trying to figure out what to do. I believe you have never been divorced. I have and it's really a difficult thing, and mine was only 2 years to this horrible guy. You have been with your wife for decades. It's very important for you to make the decision without another woman in the picture as you need to know you make the decision all on your own.

 

Plus of course the other woman, waiting around for all this time. Don't tell her you are thinking of divorcing. It will only destroy her if you change your mind.

 

Totally agree with this. I have to be crystal clear while going through my S/D from my stbxwh. While it was this last A I had that was the catalyst in realizing I need to leave, I also ended things with the xOM as that was not going to work either. This process is so hard. Sorry to hear the news BluesPower but I feel you are correct in making a decision to leave. The decision to leave and what follows next is another journey that is difficult to get through. It is not easy.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I agree with this. You would not have been able to heal at all with xMM still around. June is a good estimate. I'm sorry you feel the last year was wasted. Maybe it won't take til June, I don't know. But don't give up hope. Unfortunately I think how you feel is to be expected. But, with that, comes hope that you can get better. What would be scary is if it's been a year with total NC and you still feel as bad as you do.

 

When I worked with xMM is when I started having panic attacks and losing my hair. I was in a dark hole of depression as well as living on the edge of frayed nerves, like a baby without skin. I've never felt that way in my life.

 

I mean, I don't know. I stayed there for a lot of reasons which seemed important at the time. I've always run from conflict and every single time, it led to a bad outcome.

 

To give an non-man example, when I was in my 20s I had a roommate who was having an affair (ironic now) with a coworker. They would come to our apartment and do coke. She wanted me to move out under the illusion the guy would move in (didn't happen). She made my life a living hell and rather than standing my ground, I paid the last 6 months rent in advance and move out quietly one day. I moved into a studio I could not afford and ended up broke, sad and in a depression, moved back home with my parents (who were horrible) and marrying my ex boyfriend, now my ex husband.

 

I have a lot of examples like that. There was a lot riding on the group I had with xmm and my h said I needed to stick it out for once in my life.

 

Like you I developed health problems from the stress. I developed TMJ and started growing these extra bones in my mouth, like splinters. It started in May and continued till end of September. I had 6 of them, 4 ended in surgeries. 2 I ripped out myself. People couldn't see them but the pain was incredible, I could not eat or sleep. It went away as suddenly as it appeared. My dentist said he had only seen it once in a 90 year old man.

 

Now he is finally gone. It's odd to miss someone yet be so thankful they are no longer in your life. I don't know what they call that.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I don't know why today is rougher than yesterday. I have days where i finally feel like i'm over it and i know it is right for us to be with our spouses/families. then i have days like today when i just keep thinking about the way he looked at me, kissed me, touched me and just couldn't get enough of me. and i feel so sad that i don't have that anymore. then i feel worse because i have a decent enough husband who is very successful and loyal, and i have 2 great kids. why can't i focus on them? why am i so focused on myself and on what i am missing?

 

it makes life feel pointless. i don't get much enjoyment out of anything. people just annoy/irritate me. yes, i am on antidepressants and in therapy and i'm much better than i was a couple of months ago...but still so unfulfilled and feel like i'm not much good to anyone.

 

i just want him to look at me like that again and kiss me and make me feel alive.

[HeCantBreakMe]

I don't know why today is rougher than yesterday. I have days where i finally feel like i'm over it and i know it is right for us to be with our spouses/families. then i have days like today when i just keep thinking about the way he looked at me, kissed me, touched me and just couldn't get enough of me. and i feel so sad that i don't have that anymore. then i feel worse because i have a decent enough husband who is very successful and loyal, and i have 2 great kids. why can't i focus on them? why am i so focused on myself and on what i am missing?

 

it makes life feel pointless. i don't get much enjoyment out of anything. people just annoy/irritate me. yes, i am on antidepressants and in therapy and i'm much better than i was a couple of months ago...but still so unfulfilled and feel like i'm not much good to anyone.

 

i just want him to look at me like that again and kiss me and make me feel alive.

 

One thing I am coming to realize is had I ended up with my MM later on down the road I would have been in the same place asking myself the same questions about someone else more than likely.

 

Typically those of us in affairs lose site of what is important. We cannot just be happy with ourselves and appreciate what we do have. Had you ended up with your MM and not worked on self-fulfillment, then chances are, later on down the road, you would have been unsatisfied again.

 

It isn't anything he did for you, it isn't anything your husband isn't doing for you, it is you who is not able to find fulfillment. Work on this- work on yourself, work on internal validation and hopefully eventually you will start to find your happiness.

[ToBePampered]

One thing I am coming to realize is had I ended up with my MM later on down the road I would have been in the same place asking myself the same questions about someone else more than likely.

 

Typically those of us in affairs lose site of what is important. We cannot just be happy with ourselves and appreciate what we do have. Had you ended up with your MM and not worked on self-fulfillment, then chances are, later on down the road, you would have been unsatisfied again.

 

It isn't anything he did for you, it isn't anything your husband isn't doing for you, it is you who is not able to find fulfillment. Work on this- work on yourself, work on internal validation and hopefully eventually you will start to find your happiness.

 

100% agree