DKT3 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Bluespower, I have read a lot of your posts and while i think your views are often the case, i believe there are many men who really do "fall in love" during an affair as much as it can be for an affair. maybe not true love, but the same feelings that we women are feeling. I don't think all the cheating men are just out for sex. my therapist doesn't think so either. As for my husband, I am re-focusing on him and we are doing better. I don't think it's realistic to believe that after 20 years of marriage, a passionate romantic relationship is sustainable. i think aiming for companionship and comfort with some decent sex thrown in is a pretty realistic goal. We are raising a family. To divorce in the hopes of finding a more passionate relationship is immature and likely will turn into a plain comfortable relationship 10-15 years down the road as well. Yes, I am still partially grieving the loss of the AP. but i'm doing better. Of course some do fall for AP, however men are more logical with emotional attachment. Where you saw your affair as all encompassing, it appears he saw it as fun with someone he liked but it got too risky. I'm sure he has some discomfort with ending it, I seriously doubt he is in a similar position as you having it turn your life into chaos. Odds are he never detached from his wife and marriage the way you did, which means instead of reinvestment it's simply a continuation, much easier transition. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Maybe your right, but the fact is men do not fall in love like women do in a lot of these situations. Also, thinking that it was real just makes it worse for you. Next, I am sorry that you feel you cannot have passion in your marriage. But I have to say that when my wife sobered up and woke up, the passion was back. And it needs to be because I will not live any other way. I do you that you and your husband can find the passion again it just sounds so sad to live that way. Good luck... Passion requires energy and effort from both, some people just don't have it in them to initiate passion, but we are all passionate. When I hear couple say there is no passion first thing I think is they don't know one another. They never took the time of energy or put forth the effort. Some people have that instant chemistry, usually burns hot and fast ends horribly. Having a deeper connection brings deeper more lasting chemistry. But it requires effort. I think romantic dreamers have this romance novel idea of passion, it's not realistic. Not when I've seen my wife poop giving birth, losing it from both ends, arguing over bills and mothers staying with us, her poping pimples on my back... nothing romantic about any of that. So it needs effort it's really that simple. Too many throw it all away for a couple months of hot sex in cheap motels with someone playing make believe. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 My passion for my wife is as strong as it was from the day we met. It got even stronger when we had kids. I guess we were just kind of blessed with that. It is a good thing too, because lots of passion and sex is the only thing that has kept us together. That and a deep love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 MLC1, do you really think it is possible to refocus on your marriage carrying such a monstrous secret? I guess you could try, but authentic relationships demand 100% truth 100% of the time. Chances are you've built an emotional wall that will always hinder any progress you and your BH may make. If you are going to refocus on your marriage and rebuild it, better to do it on a solid foundation. Nothing's worse than putting all that work in for 2, 5, 10 years only for it to be swept away by your BH finally finding out the truth. No one thinks they will get caught, until they are. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted October 12, 2016 Author Share Posted October 12, 2016 Malvern, I know I want to stay married for at least another 8 years while my kids are home. Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Is that really the type of marriage you want to model for your children? Children pick up on and notice a lot more than people think. What they grow up around becomes normal for them. If your unhappiness with your BH really is not a function of the fog, then the best thing to do is give him the gift of truth and set him and yourself free. Life is too short for fake stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Oh please don't do the old, "I'll stay until the kids finish school & go away to university". How on earth is that better? We finish emotionally developing in our 20's, I've read about 26-28 being the optimal ages. Leaving when the kids are 18-19 can be awful!! Pretty much any time is bad. "Mummy & Daddy couldn't stand each other". I was having affairs behind your back to 'save' you!! Thanks parents!! My life has been a lie & my existence made you suffer in misery for a decade or more. That's what marriage is!! It's all fake, putting on a show, the "old ball & chain". Yep! That's helps to raise healthy individuals!! Just at the age when alcohol, drugs & free sex are most prevalent you're going to nuke kids perception of family. Great idea!! Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 (edited) For the length of her affair she has rationalized herself out of her marriage, you can't expect her to undo months of convincing herself that this other guy was it, and now that he doesn't want her she gets stuck with the boring dull no passion horrible at sex husband. She wants her grand prize, husband is only a parting gift. Edited October 13, 2016 by DKT3 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Come on guys, I know that she is having a hard time and all that is crap, but let's try to be supportive. Midlifecrisis1, I understand how you feel, I stayed for the kids as well. I also stayed because I loved my wife and I really hoped things would turn around. Eventually things did turn around, but I was so full of resentment for not leaving earlier, and I really have had a hard time dealing with it. But for you, if you really do not and don't think you can love your husband, don't waste your life for the kids. They will be ok if you and your husband divorce. It does not feel like it, but they will. They will be better off if you and your husband are happy apart than they will be if you are together just existing. And, you and your husband deserve to both try and find happiness. For me, I did what I did and if my wife and I are able to stay together maybe it will have been worth it, and maybe not. I know that I dedicated 26 years of stress and unhappiness to my wife and my children, and I am still not sure I did the right thing and I know that I love my wife. I am not sure that she deserved it but it really does not matter because I loved her. You really need to think about this over the next few days, weeks, months. I just urge you not to waste the next decade of your life in a loveless marriage. You only get one life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Come on guys, I know that she is having a hard time and all that is crap, but let's try to be supportive. Midlifecrisis1, I understand how you feel, I stayed for the kids as well. I also stayed because I loved my wife and I really hoped things would turn around. Eventually things did turn around, but I was so full of resentment for not leaving earlier, and I really have had a hard time dealing with it. But for you, if you really do not and don't think you can love your husband, don't waste your life for the kids. They will be ok if you and your husband divorce. It does not feel like it, but they will. They will be better off if you and your husband are happy apart than they will be if you are together just existing. And, you and your husband deserve to both try and find happiness. For me, I did what I did and if my wife and I are able to stay together maybe it will have been worth it, and maybe not. I know that I dedicated 26 years of stress and unhappiness to my wife and my children, and I am still not sure I did the right thing and I know that I love my wife. I am not sure that she deserved it but it really does not matter because I loved her. You really need to think about this over the next few days, weeks, months. I just urge you not to waste the next decade of your life in a loveless marriage. You only get one life. This is my point, she isn't in the right frame of mind to assess her marriage. It's not what she wants. Now those of us that have been around knows her views will change with distance from mm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted October 13, 2016 Author Share Posted October 13, 2016 That's why I'm in therapy and working to get over the affair and not making any decisions about the future in my marriage right now. I'm staying put for now. And being that my husband and I don't fight and we are pretty good to each other outwardly, I believe having the family intact is the right thing. We are going through a hard time, but I'm hopeful we can make it better. I just get annoyed with all the naysayers saying I may as well give up if I'm not going to disclose my affair. There are many people who have affairs that don't tell or get caught and still make their marriages work. I am not a serial cheater...this was something that I never thought I would do and won't do again. I know myself enough to know that i would not be happier without my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 I get what you are saying MLC1, but from my experience, I just see things differently. You can go to therapy all you want, but that wall you built to allow yourself to have an affair will always be there as long as this secret is between you and your BH. You are going through a difficult time, but your poor BH has no idea why. Relationships that stand the test of time are based on trust, respect and honesty. Your current marriage has none of those characteristics, and it will not until you let him in. He is essentially living a fantasy, and while you may convince yourself that that is the best thing for him, you really do not have that right. He is a competent adult perfectly capable of making important decisions regarding his life. Just as he has no right to make decisions for you, you have no right to make decisions for him. How long he keeps living this fantasy may be up to you, but it may not be up to you. These skeletons have a way of making themselves known at the worst possible time. Living with that fear, is no way to live at all. Sure, you can make your marriage work after your affair without disclosing. But you will just be punching the clock. It won't be real. How can it be? If you thought you wouldn't do it once, how can you be so sure you won't do it again? Don't be afraid of the consequences of disclosing. They are what they are. Stop trying to control the outcome. There are too many lives at stake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 That's why I'm in therapy and working to get over the affair and not making any decisions about the future in my marriage right now. I'm staying put for now. And being that my husband and I don't fight and we are pretty good to each other outwardly, I believe having the family intact is the right thing. We are going through a hard time, but I'm hopeful we can make it better. I just get annoyed with all the naysayers saying I may as well give up if I'm not going to disclose my affair. There are many people who have affairs that don't tell or get caught and still make their marriages work. I am not a serial cheater...this was something that I never thought I would do and won't do again. I know myself enough to know that i would not be happier without my husband. You can stay married, but I wouldn't say it will ever work. Your not honest, so you will never allow your marriage to reach its potential. If you were honest there would have been no affair. So yes if your goal is to "stay married" then by all means hide and lie. If you want to have a good marriage you will need to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 That's why I'm in therapy and working to get over the affair and not making any decisions about the future in my marriage right now. I'm staying put for now. And being that my husband and I don't fight and we are pretty good to each other outwardly, I believe having the family intact is the right thing. We are going through a hard time, but I'm hopeful we can make it better. I just get annoyed with all the naysayers saying I may as well give up if I'm not going to disclose my affair. There are many people who have affairs that don't tell or get caught and still make their marriages work. I am not a serial cheater...this was something that I never thought I would do and won't do again. I know myself enough to know that i would not be happier without my husband. I felt this way at one point too. My mom had an affair and never told my dad about it and they are still married some 40 years later but hers was a once and done thing and she still harbors a lot of emotion and guilt . Now I disclosed mine but it lasted a year and I believe it was the smartest and best thing I could have done since making the decision to step out on my husband. I asked him tonight if he regrets me telling him and he said no he needed to know. I don't believe you will ever regret telling but you may regret not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lftbehind Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 My passion for my wife is as strong as it was from the day we met. It got even stronger when we had kids. I guess we were just kind of blessed with that. It is a good thing too, because lots of passion and sex is the only thing that has kept us together. That and a deep love. Then why did you cheat on her if you had the passion and the deep love? Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 Because of her 20 year hidden drug addiction basically. It got super bad about 6-7 years ago... But she is sober now. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted October 13, 2016 Share Posted October 13, 2016 MLC1- from reading your posts, I am hoping that the main focus on your counseling is your low self-esteem rather than just your marriage or getting over your AP- Being head over heals and pining for someone you were with for 4 months seems to me that its not about the AP but by your need to be wanted- As adults, parents and partners-thats a tall order-life just gets complicated 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted October 13, 2016 Author Share Posted October 13, 2016 Gettingstronger. ...you hit the nail on the head! That is EXACTLY what we are working on in therapy. My depression is not about the xMM. it's about my own lack of self esteem and how my self worth is all tied up in me feeling desired. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted October 19, 2016 Author Share Posted October 19, 2016 xMMs 50th bday is coming up. He had said how happy he was that it would be on a Friday because Friday's were always for us together and I told him I would make it special. When I asked him if he thought his wife would make him a party, he cried and said that he wouldn't want one since the most important person wouldn't be there with him. That was almost 3 months ago. We have only spoken once since, we saw each other at the soccer field. We said we still loved each other but he insisted this was best since he couldn't stand the guilt and anxiety. I am dying to send him a happy birthday message. What should I do? We did not have a d-day and neither of our spouses know. And I may have to see him the day before his birthday since the town baseball tryouts are that day and he runs the school baseball program (my son plays). Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Wow what a *****strom awaiting you. It would be very wise to let this thing go. Talk about a horrible impact this will have on your entire family. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Midlife, please don't. Nothing good can come out of it for you. Find something else to do. Be busy. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 No, do not reach out! Instead do a random act of kindness for a complete stranger. And have someone else (anyone) take your son to tryouts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted October 19, 2016 Share Posted October 19, 2016 Here's today's fortune cookie for you: Those who hug bee hives make poor life decisions 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Reaching out could be the worse thing for both of you and your families. Imagine his birthday being a lifetime trigger for his wife if it all comes out. Do you really believe that comment about you being the most important person to him? Link to post Share on other sites
Cyra Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 When I asked him if he thought his wife would make him a party, he cried and said that he wouldn't want one since the most important person wouldn't be there with him. If this was true he would be having a bday party with you, not with his wife. dont send anything, he doesnt deserve the thought. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
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