Survivor12 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 He broke it off with you because of the guilt & anxiety he was feeling, but you want us to believe that you sincerely want him to have a good day by putting him in a position to choose between ignoring your "birthday wishes" or dealing with his conscience by responding. C'mon, be honest with yourself....your motive is to make sure that he is thinking about YOU. If you truly wanted him to have a happy day, you would leave him alone. If he wants you to be a part of his day, he'll contact you. Make giving him the choice your gift to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 I agree with whomever suggested someone else take your son to tryouts. I agree you should not engage. If you happen to see him somewhere, you can say, "Oh yeah, happy belated birthday." Then keep it moving, no time to talk. But I personally would not send anything AT ALL. I also agree with the random act of kindness comment... You might also consider taking the time you would have used to do that to instead make a list of upcoming birthdays for your friends & family - send them all birthday notes this year or even thinking of you notes for his birthday. They are probably more deserving of this kindness anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 I agree with whomever suggested someone else take your son to tryouts. I agree you should not engage. If you happen to see him somewhere, you can say, "Oh yeah, happy belated birthday." Then keep it moving, no time to talk. But I personally would not send anything AT ALL. I also agree with the random act of kindness comment... You might also consider taking the time you would have used to do that to instead make a list of upcoming birthdays for your friends & family - send them all birthday notes this year or even thinking of you notes for his birthday. They are probably more deserving of this kindness anyway. Yes, like ummm, her husband 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 If you decided to confess to your spouse and were not in contact with xMM or XMW, would you contact them to warn them that you were confessing in case spouse tries to contact you or your spouse? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 No. I clean my side of the street. Hostages are optional. But then affairs are two ppl holding out for a get out of jail card free. Let the chips fall where they may. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Did you warn your husband before you started sleeping with this guy? So why do you owe MM more then you owed your husband? 7 Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 If you decided to confess to your spouse and were not in contact with xMM or XMW, would you contact them to warn them that you were confessing in case spouse tries to contact you or your spouse? I did but I was still heavily in the affair when I confessed. I sent a quick text to MOM letting him know and that I would try to keep my BS from telling his wife. I was at the time still choosing MM over everything and looking back I wish I wouldn't have stopped my BS from contacting his wife. He still hasn't and we are 2 months out from Dday Link to post Share on other sites
HeCantBreakMe Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 Did you warn your husband before you started sleeping with this guy? So why do you owe MM more then you owed your husband? This made me lol 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 A confession should be a sign of changing loyalties back to the BS. Warning the AP kind of negates that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 You are protecting your AP which says he's #1. This will come across to your H like a lead balloon. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 He had to know that was a potential consequence when he started the affair. No.... no warnings, let him worry. He is no longer your problem, or one that deserves your protection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 If you're already out of the affair there's no reason to contact him again! Link to post Share on other sites
Forever broken Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 It was the other way around for me. Ex married man and I had mutually parted ways, however we still communicated sometimes. He had called to ask for a favor. To prevent any temptation from us being involved sexually, I decided to meet him at the coffee shop to help him out for old times sake. I got to the coffee shop and guess who came from behind me with his wife? Yeah, it was him and his wife. I still cannot believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 31, 2016 Share Posted October 31, 2016 He had to know that was a potential consequence when he started the affair. No.... no warnings, let him worry. He is no longer your problem, or one that deserves your protection. True. I wouldn't expect a warning and I know there's a possibility it can happen. I'm not sure what he would need to contact me for though. Deal with his wife and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted October 31, 2016 Author Share Posted October 31, 2016 He had to know that was a potential consequence when he started the affair. No.... no warnings, let him worry. He is no longer your problem, or one that deserves your protection. Let him worry? He didn't do anything worse than I did. Both of us cheated on our spouses...the ending was mutual and not bitter. Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 It's not about punishment it's about known consequences. I don't know your whole story - are you attempting reconciliation with your husband? Look, I cheated with a MM man as well - I had a D Day. Did I want to contact the MM and let him know that s*** hit the fan? That my husband might be contacting his wife? Give him a heads up, a warning, let him try to cover his tracks..... sure, I had those twinges. Did I? NOPE. I knew it would just be one more betrayal to my husband. That my job now was to protect HIM, the man who loved me, not the cheating married man. Lucky for the MM, I convinced my husband not to confront him in person - I had already f*** things up so much, I didn't want my husband going to jail on top of it (because he most likely would have assaulted him in a way that would lead to that consequence!) So, my husband simply sent him a message - "does your wife know you are f***ing mine?" And a second message with the MM's work address. That was enough to send the MM into hiding. Took down his linked in, and all of his professional/ social media that was online. From what I can tell he even changed his work schedules. And who knows, maybe his wife intercepted those early morning texts. Maybe he had a DDay. I don't know, he's not my concern any more. He doesn't need or deserve my protection. He's a big boy, who made choices well knowing that this could blow up - his whole life. It's not my job to protect him from his choices. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Confessing is taking a huge step in the right direction MLC1. It will likely be one of the scariest and hardest things you've ever done, but it is a vital step for people who want to live authentic lives. If you decide to go through with it, I'd like to give you a few tips. First, do not ambush your BH by doing it in front of a MC or or in a restaurant or any public place. Pick a time and place where you have plenty of privacy and plenty of time. Second, there is no such thing as a "good time" to confess. If you wait for one, you will never do it. This kind of thing is like ripping a band-aid off. Just do it. Waiting for this or that to happen will not make it any easier. Third, tell it all and tell it true. Don't lie to protect yourself, your xAP or your BH's feelings. Any more lies will only add to the damage already done. Your BH will have a lot of questions. Don't be defensive. Answer them as best you can. He may want all the details, he may not. If he does, I suggest you give them to him but do it as sensitively as you can. Fourth, keep the story short and simple. This is not the time for long winded stories and blame shifting. Own your behavior. Do not blame your BH for your choices. The state of the marriage is partially his fault. Your choice to cheat is 100% on you. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey born raised Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Confessing in front of a MC, or religious person - who is trained to handle infidelity, might be wise but allow for ample time alone afterward. Note on religious persons: theology must be rooted in our daily lives, our hopes, dreams and nightmares otherwise the words become meaningless platitudes. Thou shall not ..... Really? Why the hell not some vague mythological creature thinks it is a good idea?? Sell me a bridge in Brooklyn why don't you. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 I can beat that. My XMM said he would never forgive me if I got pregnant by another man even though I was single without kids and he had two by his wife. winner. no character. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 If you decided to confess to your spouse and were not in contact with xMM or XMW, would you contact them to warn them that you were confessing in case spouse tries to contact you or your spouse? I think I have to question your motivations here. Your exMM has gone NC and is actively aoiding you, so what better way to get his undivided attention than by threatening to come clean and "tell your husband" all about the affair. That will make xMM sit up and take notice, I'm sure, and the resulting "discussions" around that topic, could just mean the A starts up again... 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Midwestmissy Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 My wh confessed several months after his affair ended, mainly because our marriage was not improving after he stopped seeing her. A marriage doesn't have a good chance with a huge lie in it, so he confessed. First thing I did was contact the bh. The mow wasn't too happy, because she figured since she still worked for my wh, the door was always open a bit. Wh confessing to me gave our marriage a chance (I'm not patting him on the back here). Mow didn't like being exposed, but the damage is not in the telling, it's already occurred in the cheating. The truth can't ruin anything, the lies already did. In this case, the bh was a total tool, he was the om in her first marriage - to his brother, gross - so this was a pattern for her. She tried to upgrade her financial situation thru affairs. I wish people would stop believing that exposing the affair does damage. Some Cheaters just get upset because the consequences have come home to roost and that is when ***** gets real. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Lobe, thank you. our affair started because he was my son's basketball coach and was so caring and attentive and good with the kids. we hit it off and had an easy rapport. then he chose my son for his baseball team and we flirted and it got serious very quickly. he is the polar opposite of my husband. he is warm, affectionate, devoted father, loves kids, self deprecating, playful, not physically attractive. my dh is physically attractive and a workaholic and tends to always put his own wants/needs first. I get that he got a reality check and is dealing....but how could he walk away without seeming to feel for me? why aren't i getting out of the affair bubble? i am still in the fog. Perhaps your DH is having his own affair. I doubt that you care because you are in love with MM. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 I don't wish to get shot down in flames, but why are you looking to tell your husband? Is it to end the marriage? Or to fix the issues? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Midlifecrisis1 Posted November 1, 2016 Author Share Posted November 1, 2016 I think I have to question your motivations here. Your exMM has gone NC and is actively aoiding you, so what better way to get his undivided attention than by threatening to come clean and "tell your husband" all about the affair. That will make xMM sit up and take notice, I'm sure, and the resulting "discussions" around that topic, could just mean the A starts up again... Im not actually thinking of confessing. I have just been wondering if xMM might have confessed to his wife without warning me. We are in the same town/schools. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 Im not actually thinking of confessing. I have just been wondering if xMM might have confessed to his wife without warning me. We are in the same town/schools. Well, if he did-he did not notify you- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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