My girlfriend wants space?!?!

[John]

Well, let me lay the story out for you. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 15 months. Well, about a month ago she decides to tell me "I need space, and to find myself". I was shocked and amazed. We spend a lot of time together. Many hours a day, but I have tried to get her to hang out with her friends the entire relationship. She never wants to, but then she gets upset about not being as close to them as in the past. She has lied to me on several occasions about some big issues. I have had trouble trusting her, but it is building slowly. Now she blames me for what has happened to her and I have been the one telling her and asking her to spend time with her friends. I told her it would be best for both of us if we hang out with them. I am confused and saddened concerning how this became my fault. Or am I just overeacting? I am a traditional individual, giving her flower at least on a bu-monthly basis. She has jewelry, everything, even emotional support. I am wodering what I can say to her or to do about the situation. I need some help, and your comments will be greatly appreciated.

[Tammie]

If she wants space, give it to her. Permanently.

 

You should officially break up with her. She's probably expecting you to grovel and beg her to give you another chance. Don't do that. Save your self-respect.

 

Why do you want to waste your time on someone who blames you for 'their' problems? I was in an LTR where this (and more) happened. I won't even go into how worse and worse it got. Now I am free and happy. Trust me, you will NEVER be happy with someone who can't take responsibility for themselves and blames you.

 

When someone 'wants space', they don't want to be in a relationship. It's a nice way of putting it. You don't deserve to be strung along. End it now, and show her that you won't be waiting around for her to make decisions about your life.

 

Good luck.

[Tony T]

Your post is very vague but reading between the lines I would say your relationship is over and ought to be.

 

When a man or woman asks for space and to be able to find themselves, that's just a coward's way of saying they want to break up. People who are even moderately happy in a relationship don't need space.

 

What I have picked up from your post is that you have been too nice to her. It appears you have been very generous to her materialistically but possibly held out a bit on the emotional side. You give this hint when you write: "I am a traditional individual, giving her flower at least on a bu-monthly basis. She has jewelry, everything, even emotional support."

 

First of all, it is VERY WRONG to give a lady flowers every few weeks. The thought is great and you get a commendation for being a nice guy, but being nice will get you nowhere. First, when things become predictable the good deeds lose their meaning totally and cease to be special. Second, human beings (and laboratory rats) respond more positively to reinforcement which is intermittent rather than predictable. Third, recent research has shown that the human brain responds much more favorably to surprise vs. the expected.

 

If you've been buying her a lot of jewelry and other material things, this is very wrong too. It gives a decent girl the feeling you're trying to buy her. If this was the case, which you do not spell out, this was a mistake. You also alluded that you "even" gave her emotional support. Well, bud, this is mainly what women who are worth anything want. This shouldn't have been an afterthought...it should have been your main goal and consideration.

 

Even the golddiggers who are out after the flowers, jewelry and stuff will dump your butt in a heartbeat after they've gotten what they want. Even they get bored as hell with the predictability after a while.

 

Don't look for this one to come back. It's too bad she won't come out and tell you what I'm saying here. She may not even realize it...or she may feel guilty as hell for ripping you off and saying goodbye. She's blaming all this on you to get rid of some of her guilt. You've been nice as hell to her and she is blaming you...your the bad guy. What a bxtch!!! Bottom line is that pathetic users will always do this.

 

But don't blame her. You did it to yourself. Don't be so nice next time, don't be so predictable, go easy on the flowers...birthdays and Valentine's Day ONLY, jewelry once a year if she's been good.

 

If you have self esteem issues that make you feel you have to buy the affections of women, work on this. Otherwise you will fail again.

 

You also said she's lied to you about some big issues and instead of being a man and kicking her butt you took it and continued right on. Women want a man who won't take their crap. They want a man to put them in their place.

 

I'd be willing to bet a thousand dollars that at least once during your relationship with her, she had a fling with some other guy who didn't give her a thing. Check it out. That's usually the way users operate.

[Ed]

Tammie and Tony have given great advice.

 

You are going to have to toughen up. You have a big decision to make. No matter what you choose, your course of action is essentially the same - cease contact with her. The only difference will be what you tell her going in and what you do about her reaction.

 

You have to decide, right now, if this is the woman you want for the long term (marriage or whatever you want to call it).

 

If you don't want her for the long term...tell her it's over and there is no use in prolonging the inevitable. Cease all contact with her. Don't call her or send her anything. Don't accept calls from her or reply to any messages or mailings. Move on with your life and find someone else to spend your time with.

 

If you decide you do want her for the long term, it will take some serious strategy on your part. You better be sure you are up to the task, because this course of action is full of pitfalls and has a high probability of failure. Be forewarned, if this strategy does fail, it will hurt you much worse than if you just break it off for good right now. There is no way of knowing if it will work at all or how long it will take. The worse part is, I can only advise you on the first part of the strategy. You will have to do the rest, by yourself, depending on what she does in response. So, if your up to it, here goes.....

 

First, tell her you want her for a long term relationship (or however you want to put it). Next, tell her you don't want to see or talk to her until/if she decides she wants the same thing. You have to mean it and you have to back it up. Then, leave her alone. Don't call her or send her anything. You cannot bend over or give in, AT ALL, or you'll blow it! Now, begin living your life with the assumption that the relationship is over, because for all practical purposes, it is.

 

The purpose of this strategy is to give her time to think about you and the relationship and decide if, in fact, it is what she wants. The goal of this strategy is to force her to make a choice so that each of you can carry on your lives in one direction or another, instead of lingering in doubt.

 

If she does not respond positively, with sincerity and commitment, then, so be it. You should already have begun carrying on with your life and can continue in that direction. However, if she calls you crying and saying she wants to get back together - YOU will have to judge whether or not she really means it and how committed she is to making it work. Welcome to the jungle! Don't get sucked back in unless you are absolutely sure she means it.

 

Now, you're on your own. Good luck!

[Miss Mojo]

hi john,

 

the one message i am getting from this post is that things have become really predictable in this relationship. while most girls would think "i would love a guy to give me flowers every week", in reality, i don't think 95% of us girls would. of course we'd appreciate the thought, but it would get very boring after a while. spontaneity works wonders in a relationship...it keeps the spark going.

 

i've never, ever been able to warm to the whole, "i need space", scenario. i think it is the easy way of saying "i want out", without actually having to say it.

 

i wouldn't be surprised if the predictability of the relationship has become an issue for her, and she appears to be wanting out of this. so what do you do? do something she won't predict - don't contact her....she wants her space...WILLINGLY (even though it hurts like hell) give this to her.....don't have any contact with her...and you can only see what happens from here. she will NOT expect you to do this at all.

 

all i can say is respect the fact that she "wants space", leave her to her own devices for a while, you get on with your life, and if she comes back...well, good for you. but because the whole "space" issue was her call, if she doens't come back, then you will know what her feelings towards the relationship were like. this of course doesn't mean she didn't appreciate you. i'm sure she does a great deal, but it might be a bit much for her being showered with material things all the time.

 

while your generosity and thoughtfulness are great virtues, i would suggest that next time, make it more sponataneous. continue to be the caring, thoughtful person you are, but take it easy on the flowers and the jewellery. the unexpected little surprises are always the ones that make a person feel great and keep a relationship growing.

 

what a girl primarily needs in a relationship (most girls) is emotional support, and even flowers and gifts occassionally.