enchanted771 Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 I think this is really uncalled for. We had a bad fight last night and I wouldn't give him space or drop it. So today he is in a mood, and when I call on my lunch like I usually do he's quiet. I told him he's so quiet today, and he says " I'm not in the mood to talk" I say oh okay, I'll see you later when I get home then. So he just ends the call. No bye or nothing. I'm trying not to take it personal but it's hard. I know how he is when he's in a mood. So I am going to let him initiate phone calls and texts for a while. I always call him on my lunch break and when I'm on my way home. But since he went and hung up on me, I see he needs space from me. I tried to text him saying that I must have hung up before we could say bye but he isn't replying. I don't like the silent treatment. I think it's immature, but you can't have an adult convo when he's in a bad mood. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 You said you hate the silent treatment -- does he always manage conflict this way or is this just a one off? How long does he shut you out? Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 It sounds like you are being respectful and the bigger person here, giving him space, calling first, and respecting he is in a mood. It is immature the way he is acting. I get it, been there, been in that mood, but it would show he respected you if he at least said, right now isn't the best time to talk or text. I'll call you later or I'll text you in the morning. I think the silent treatment is childish unless you were unrelenting and trying to force a response when you need to cool things off, but it definitely sounds like the former to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted July 19, 2016 Author Share Posted July 19, 2016 Once he cools down which doesn't take long if I don't keep trying to talk to him while he's heated, he will have an adult conversation with me. Problem is he is straightforward and blunt and I'm just not that way, and he gets frustrated & upset. We are constantly bumping heads last couple days. I want to find a solution, but to him the solution is letting it go. That's a short term solution and he doesn't get that. He doesn't handle stress well, so basically if he's in a mood I have to let it go Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 You wouldn't give him space and you wouldn't drop it? I'd be ticked off too if I were him. I'll bet this isn't the first time you've done this during an argument. You may want to prepare yourself because he's likely to break up with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 Once he cools down which doesn't take long if I don't keep trying to talk to him while he's heated, he will have an adult conversation with me. Problem is he is straightforward and blunt and I'm just not that way, and he gets frustrated & upset. We are constantly bumping heads last couple days. I want to find a solution, but to him the solution is letting it go. That's a short term solution and he doesn't get that. He doesn't handle stress well, so basically if he's in a mood I have to let it go You both had a huge fight over the phone. You wouldn't let it go even when he asked for space. I can see why he would feel turned off. Are you usually aggressive and pushy that way when he wants to end an argument? Maybe that kind of behavior is grating on him? You said once he cools down he will have an adult conversation with you. So, I'm not sure what it means when you say he doesn't talk about things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 It wasn't respectful of him to hang up on you. I have had that done to me and it's an awful feeling. I think you two need to the let the engines cool off and then - in person - have a very honest conversation about how you both handle conflict. You already know you won't get anywhere with him right now, so there's no point in continuing to try to get talk. It's clear he wants space after an argument, while you appear to prefer to get things talked out and settled quickly. Neither of you is wrong, per se, but you will need to meet each other halfway for this to work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Larryville Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 Giving your SO the silent treatment is one of the quickest ways to doom your relationship. Unfortunately it is one of the most frequently used responses in relationship conflict. People who engage in it lack effective adult communication skills. All that can happen is one demands answers while the other disengages and eventually the mental chasm become too wide for the couples to reconcile. Question is does dude always engage in this tactic when there is conflict between you too? If he does you too have much bigger long term issues.... Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 They both have poor conflict resolution skills. Once an argument becomes so heated and unmanageable, one of them should say "hey, we aren't getting anywhere with this issue right now. Let's step back, collect our thoughts, think about what's been said so far and circle back later today, tomorrow, whatever. A partner should not chase the other partner who has become overwhelmed and force the issue. The way he's handling it now is not acceptable. You have no choice but to give him the space otherwise you are simply repeating the behavior from the previous argument if you are calling, texting, etc. And, when someone tells me or shows me that they need space, I become NASA and they can contact Houston. If they take too long, their aircraft may not have a landing place. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted July 19, 2016 Author Share Posted July 19, 2016 It wasn't respectful of him to hang up on you. I have had that done to me and it's an awful feeling. I think you two need to the let the engines cool off and then - in person - have a very honest conversation about how you both handle conflict. You already know you won't get anywhere with him right now, so there's no point in continuing to try to get talk. It's clear he wants space after an argument, while you appear to prefer to get things talked out and settled quickly. Neither of you is wrong, per se, but you will need to meet each other halfway for this to work.the fight was last night. We live together. I was pushing for a response which was wrong. But we were able to calm things down and today I thought things were ok. He was texting me but when I called him he seemed uninterested in the conversation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted July 19, 2016 Author Share Posted July 19, 2016 They both have poor conflict resolution skills. Once an argument becomes so heated and unmanageable, one of them should say "hey, we aren't getting anywhere with this issue right now. Let's step back, collect our thoughts, think about what's been said so far and circle back later today, tomorrow, whatever. A partner should not chase the other partner who has become overwhelmed and force the issue. The way he's handling it now is not acceptable. You have no choice but to give him the space otherwise you are simply repeating the behavior from the previous argument if you are calling, texting, etc. And, when someone tells me or shows me that they need space, I become NASA and they can contact Houston. If they take too long, their aircraft may not have a landing place.and what if your in the same household? I can go to the gym or sit next to him and look at him pout and give no reaction. But your right, I'm not going to be able to resolve it right now. Perhaps in a couple days we can chat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 and what if your in the same household? I can go to the gym or sit next to him and look at him pout and give no reaction. But your right, I'm not going to be able to resolve it right now. Perhaps in a couple days we can chat Go about your business as usual at home. Don't bring up the conflict right now, give him space, but otherwise carry on as you normally would on any other day. After a couple days when you've both had a chance to cool off, sit down with him and talk about what's been happening. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 19, 2016 Share Posted July 19, 2016 There is only one proper response when someone tells you they want space, and that is to stop bugging them and let them be the one to contact you next. You disrespected him by just haranguing him after he asked for space. It's not smart to refuse to allow someone to cool down before talking. It's dangerous. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 This past weekend my boyfriend and I had a bad fight for two days. We live together and the worst part is it was his birthday weekend. We recovered from it and he's still being affectionate toward me but I can tell he's still a bit hurt from the whole thing. He's talking about going to see his nephew on Saturday to take care of some things. Not sure if he wants to include me or is trying to avoid a fight. I'm not going to tell him what to do, but maybe he just needs some space. Anyways, I'm trying to do some damage control because I do tend to take small and turn it into something big when it isn't necessary.... Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 What was your fight about? How often do you argue? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted August 3, 2016 Author Share Posted August 3, 2016 It started because he felt I was on my phone too much, and we were watching a movie together. It was his birthday weekend so he was feeling emotional I guess... Then we would have little arguments over stupid stuff over the course of the next day Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 It started because he felt I was on my phone too much, and we were watching a movie together. It was his birthday weekend so he was feeling emotional I guess... Then we would have little arguments over stupid stuff over the course of the next day How long have you been seeing each other and how much time do you spend together? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 Nevermind, I looked at your other threads . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted August 3, 2016 Share Posted August 3, 2016 It started because he felt I was on my phone too much, and we were watching a movie together. It was his birthday weekend so he was feeling emotional I guess... Then we would have little arguments over stupid stuff over the course of the next day Watching a movie together I'd except to drop the phone for two hours and enjoy the movie instead. Many guys are annoyed at their women because they use their phone all the time. And many women are annoyed at guys playing video games and so on What was the argument 'over stupid stuff'? You guys sound like an elderly married couples bickering all the time for nothing whereas I'll assume that you are young ? So what cause the fight when it's not you using the phone too much? The background of your story, please ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author enchanted771 Posted August 25, 2016 Author Share Posted August 25, 2016 I need a guys perspective....(but girls can also reply)when a guy is pissed off at his gf say, how long do you leave him alone (your in same house)? Me and my bf had an argument over something stupid. He wanted me to let it go, which eventually I did. But I didn't like how he was giving me the cold shoulder and I wanted to resolve it. Tried a few times. He sat down and talked to me told me what he doesn't like, etc. Ok fine. He was in the living room with me then like 10 min later he ran to the bedroom bc he had a headache. I left him alone for a while, then he went to make something to eat. Took it to the damn room, and I asked him why he can't sit with me in the living room? He said tv was off and I look like I was sleeping and if he wanted to eat in the living room he would have, and again he exploded. I finally left him alone bc he said he wants to just be left alone and put his headphones on. Am I going about this wrong? Maybe I shouldn't hound him but I start to worry especially when he keeps threatening to leave...I'm just so tempted to talk to him but I know it's going to make things worse. I don't want to end things yet but if he doesn't come around I don't think I'll have a choice... Thoughts?? Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 He's probably thinking the same about you..he asked you for space and you refused to respect that..multiple times...he's probably thinking 'who does that?!?! Next time he says to leave him alone, leave him alone. You are in the wrong here, not him. The threatening to leave is worrisome though. That's cruel. He's definitely wrong there. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueIris Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 (edited) Different people need different amounts of time and a lot depends upon what was said or done. If it was nasty or raised issues that are deal breakers for him, it could take several days before he's thought things through. Give him as much time as he needs. ... The threatening to leave is worrisome though. That's cruel. He's definitely wrong there. I don’t know about that. If the relationship is falling apart and they’re fighting instead of talking together and figuring out good solutions together, he might be sincere- he might be leaving. Edited August 26, 2016 by BlueIris 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 He is threatening to leave and you two are having arguments that end is simmering resentment? How long have you been together? Threatening to leave is HUGE in my book. Sounds like you two so not have the same, or effective conflict resolution skills. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ChickiePops Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Different people need different amounts of time and a lot depends upon what was said or done. If it was nasty or raised issues that are deal breakers for him, it could take several days before he's thought things through. Give him as much time as he needs. I don’t know about that. If the relationship is falling apart and they’re fighting instead of talking together and figuring out good solutions together, he might be sincere- he might be leaving. Of course he might be leaving, but using this as a tool to provoke a reaction or to manipulate someone during a fight (and this is how I took the OPs comment about it but I could be wrong) in an argument is cruel. It would leave a person constantly walking on eggshells..having been in this position myself I can tell you that that is exhausting and crazy-making. OP, can you clarify? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 ...Maybe I shouldn't hound him but I start to worry especially when he keeps threatening to leave...I'm just so tempted to talk to him but I know it's going to make things worse. I don't want to end things yet but if he doesn't come around I don't think I'll have a choice... Thoughts?? Unfortunately, your relationship sounds pretty dysfunctional. Arguments are fine, but you're both angry, simmering with resentment, and unable to communicate effectively with each other. Throw in the fact that he's threatening to leave, and you're considering it (but not quite ready yet), and it sounds as if the relationship has run its course. Recognize that you aren't compatible and call it a day rather than letting things continue to fester. Sure there's the uncertainty of becoming single and starting the dating process all over again. But mentally and emotionally, it's the healthier option here. Link to post Share on other sites
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