LDR Boyfriend says "I may not be the one"

[Gr8fuln2020]

...I try to look and see what I may have done wrong too. It takes two.

 

I missed that they had been dating for 1.5 years. BUT the popular notion that it ALWAYS takes two to make a relationship fail is just not something I will never buy. It certainly takes two+ for a relationship, but only one is required to end it.

 

I digress...

[Samam]

I'm sorry about your break up, but I don't see why this guy is being made out to be a villain in a bad movie.

 

Everyone's acting like he just sat around and sandbagged you with all this stuff he had issue with. I don't think so.

 

It takes a 1 1/2 to 2 years to get to know someone. Did anyone consider that he didn't mention these issues earlier because he wanted to see if it was a temporary thing and was giving you time to get adjusted?

 

-The Weight. Ok, 15 lbs isn't a lot. But again, we're talking about him observing your eating and working out habits for over a year. He probably believed that you were getting lazy and comfortable. I'm assuming you both are in your 20's and seen a lot of women who ride on their good metabolism in the 20's, don't eat right and work out, and the weight sneaks up on them and they don't do nothing about it. So 15 turns into 25, then 50, then etc. Then, they wanna lecture their husbands how having kids and age is why they look like Java the Hut - when it's just the lazy habits they have.

 

-The Job. Again, he's been watching you for a year and a half. Some people are perpetual students. Some military people (I served in active duty for a minute) also get comfortable and just spend their time applying for whatever benefit the military can give them (disability, money for this/that, etc.) and never get anywhere.

 

-Going to school. If I'm correct he said you were getting extra credits? Were these credits necessary towards your degree or cuz you'd get military money. Again, when I got out of the military I already was close to getting my Masters and went back to school like three years after I got out to get another degree for my job, and yep, I loved getting that money too. That extra $1K a month helped out when I was having trouble getting my career back on track.

 

-LDR. It's hard to get to know someone for sure when you're LDR. Maybe he's jumping to conclusions, maybe he's wrong? I mean, the guy doesn't sound like a villain to me. He sounds like he made conclusions after a time period enough to get to know you.

 

So, you're broken up now and I'm sorry, but when a break up happens with me, I try to look and see what I may have done wrong too. It takes two.

 

Thanks so much for this perspective that I was looking for. Everything you said makes a ton of sense. We've been having problems before this ordeal & it was mostly due to him taking his frustrations out on me.. He was in an unhappy work situation & promised that he would get better when he moved.. It's just gotten worst.

 

* & I'm referring to the summer classes that I've just took..(they were regular fall and spring classes but compressed into a little over 2 months so they're accelerated. They go towards my degree, I just want to graduate early because I'm tired of school. I don't really think that I've gotten lazy with school/work because I'm doing everything I've planned.....

 

LDRs are extremely hard & I feel terrible about the breakup. I agree that there are things that I have done that are wrong... As I said before, I can totally understand him wanting me to be healthy, it's just the way he was expressing his feelings & saying that I'm not the one, looking for someone, & has been acting super weird lately. & with the ambitious statements, it seems like something he's making up because I am? I don't really know, but I agree that there are two sides to it.

[Samam]

I missed that they had been dating for 1.5 years. BUT the popular notion that it ALWAYS takes two to make a relationship fail is just not something I will never buy. It certainly takes two+ for a relationship, but only one is required to end it.

 

I digress...

 

I agree. I also frequently feel like I'm the only one who really cares about our relationship until I get so tired of the bs and I walk away... At first he doesn't seem to care.. Then he doesn't want to lose me & is crying and depressed about it. I don't really know if he doesn't really want me, but likes the idea of me being around

[Gr8fuln2020]

I agree. I also frequently feel like I'm the only one who really cares about our relationship until I get so tired of the bs and I walk away... At first he doesn't seem to care.. Then he doesn't want to lose me & is crying and depressed about it. I don't really know if he doesn't really want me, but likes the idea of me being around

 

I was a recent relationship where the lady SCREWED UP royally in EVERY way! It ended b/c I would not tolerate such behavior. She held on TIGHT and wouldn't let go...so, I forced her to come to grips (LEGALLY). My only mistake was getting invovled with her in the first place.

 

BTW, "never" should be "ever" in my earlier post. :-)

[Samam]

I was a recent relationship where the lady SCREWED UP royally in EVERY way! It ended b/c I would not tolerate such behavior. She held on TIGHT and wouldn't let go...so, I forced her to come to grips (LEGALLY). My only mistake was getting invovled with her in the first place.

 

BTW, "never" should be "ever" in my earlier post. :-)

 

Initially I always imagined a breakup to be over the major deal breakers as cheating, abuse, etc. I never would've imagined it for this reason. Wow, sorry to hear that but congrats on getting out of it!

[Gr8fuln2020]

Initially I always imagined a breakup to be over the major deal breakers as cheating, abuse, etc. I never would've imagined it for this reason. Wow, sorry to hear that but congrats on getting out of it!

 

No cheating or abuse per se. Just a SERIOUS single bad decision compounded by numerous other smaller issues. I lost all respect for her and that was that...

[anduina]

I'm sorry about your break up, but I don't see why this guy is being made out to be a villain in a bad movie.

 

Everyone's acting like he just sat around and sandbagged you with all this stuff he had issue with. I don't think so.

 

It takes a 1 1/2 to 2 years to get to know someone. Did anyone consider that he didn't mention these issues earlier because he wanted to see if it was a temporary thing and was giving you time to get adjusted?

 

-The Weight. Ok, 15 lbs isn't a lot. But again, we're talking about him observing your eating and working out habits for over a year. He probably believed that you were getting lazy and comfortable. I'm assuming you both are in your 20's and seen a lot of women who ride on their good metabolism in the 20's, don't eat right and work out, and the weight sneaks up on them and they don't do nothing about it. So 15 turns into 25, then 50, then etc. Then, they wanna lecture their husbands how having kids and age is why they look like Java the Hut - when it's just the lazy habits they have.

 

-The Job. Again, he's been watching you for a year and a half. Some people are perpetual students. Some military people (I served in active duty for a minute) also get comfortable and just spend their time applying for whatever benefit the military can give them (disability, money for this/that, etc.) and never get anywhere.

 

-Going to school. If I'm correct he said you were getting extra credits? Were these credits necessary towards your degree or cuz you'd get military money. Again, when I got out of the military I already was close to getting my Masters and went back to school like three years after I got out to get another degree for my job, and yep, I loved getting that money too. That extra $1K a month helped out when I was having trouble getting my career back on track.

 

-LDR. It's hard to get to know someone for sure when you're LDR. Maybe he's jumping to conclusions, maybe he's wrong? I mean, the guy doesn't sound like a villain to me. He sounds like he made conclusions after a time period enough to get to know you.

 

So, you're broken up now and I'm sorry, but when a break up happens with me, I try to look and see what I may have done wrong too. It takes two.

• He told her he didn't care about weight and then flopped on it.
  
• He told her he wanted to marry her and she was the one, then flopped on this too.
  
• She's carrying through with her plans that he previously considered ambitious and now, flop, it's not enough.
  
• He bashes her accomplishments.
  

This isn't indicative of a loving and supportive man who's gotten to know her better. It's indicative of a controlling man. If he's tried to isolate you from friends, that's even worse.