smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Ok- Well those of oy who know me, you know that I was in a LDR for 3 yrs w/ a man that was very selfish and going thru a lot right now. He goes thru these phases where he ignores me and then I do NC and he comes back and the cycle starts all over....it has again....this time, we agreed to be "friends" unitl he works his stuff out. Well the friends things is not working. I started NC again. What will make this time different? How will I not give in when/if he ever calls again. I am starting all over it seems? I have the urge to call and I know I cannot. I have come to the conclusion that I have to do this this time and stick to it. I only see him maybe 3 x a yr and altho he says he loves me he does not show it much. I want so much to be happy and in love again.....how can i break this cycle. I am already sad to accept it is over.....for good this time........as somene told me it is an addtion. I know this. But, the hard part is accepting that he does not love me enough to make it work. I have to somehow convince myself that I did all I could. I waited as long as i could and gave him every chance to try. I want to move on this time. I do not want him to call me. I remind myself of how he hurts me, but somehow, I still hurt. Breaking this cycle is hard. He has not called me since Sat and I am putting my foot down this time not to answer. Aside from getting busy with hobbies, has anyone found somethng that works well to not want to go back to a desructive relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 Aside from getting busy with hobbies, has anyone found somethng that works well to not want to go back to a desructive relationship? Hobbies, friends, work, therapy, self-improvement. But yes, it hurts. I'm sorry Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Beth, you are well aware what the consequences will be if you answer the phone, or come into contact with him otherwise. Things will be the same, and 6 months from then, you would be still in the miserable situation that you are in now. Whatever you do with regards to your ex, think through all the consequences. And he has proven over a three year period, that things have not improved in that time, so there is no reason for you to assume that it will be different this time. You mentioned something about doing things with children, or volunteering for your church in another thread. Both will be great distractions of your very selfish ex. Do whatever you take pleasure in, without involving the ex. The fact that it was a LDR makes things a bit easier, as you will have slim chances to run into him, whatever you are going to do. From what you described, you would have earned a Nobel Prize for putting up with him over the past three years. That is no small accomplishment in itself, but it is also holding you back, to get over him. I know you consider counselling for yourself, and I think you should seriously consider it. You are only 28. There are so many better men for you out there - but you have to give yourself a real chance to meet them - and possibly feel something for them. So heal, and get yourself ready for a non-selfish, affectionate, caring guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 Thanks....I get so excited to think about my future withsomeone else. Being able to love and be loved in return(not just hearing the words). I know that Ineed to get our of my apartment. THey are not going to knock on my door. I know it is sick, but I have almost become addicted to the drama I think? Iexxpect this from him. Iknow that nothing will ever change. It always is great for the few wks we start talking again and then it goes back to crap/ The problem I will have is NOT answering when he calls. In his head, right now, he has no idea it is over. HE thinks he can call me tomorrow and be fine. It cannot. I will look into volunterring and also starting a new job very soon, so that will keep my mind occupied. And surround me with a new group of possible friends. I would hate to be here 3 yrs later and still writing about him. I just read a thread where someone was sep for 24 years!!!! That would be me waiting if I do not break this cycle. I am going back to therapy. It cannot hurt and at work now, there is a free program. Everything you said was true. It has become so bad that even a text from him used to satisfy me all day. Even if it just said I love you. I accepted crumbs and that makes me sick. it hurts me that he is the one who makes the rules here and he is the one who can call whenever. That is what Iam changing. A friend of mine told me that if I do this and he comes back in 6 months changed and ready, fine. But right now he is not. The part that really hurts is since we are "friends" I wonder where he is and why if he has time togo camping all weekend and yard work and everything, why can't he spend that time doing the paperwork for the divorce???? Of course I would never say that to him, but it hurts. Like he knows I will wait if he picks up the speed on this or not. I know you all view me as weak. I view me as weak. It is just very hard to distinguish between the man I made in my head and the real him. I have such great feelings of him when I remember times together and future dreams, but reality is now and I cannot deal with it. I will try and prove to you I am not weak! Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Reality is a harsh school at times. But one you definitely need, to get the whole ideal image of him out of your head and system. You have given him more than enough opportunities to show that the image you had was real. He has failed to convert them all - but exactly because you see him so little in real life, it is an image that is not easy to erase in your head. I know it is tempting to think of what he might be doing. But you should not think of it. Every bit of behavior he has done in the past should serve to encourage you to think that he was unable or unwilling to make a serious go at things between the two of you. He has had 3 years (that is 1096 days!) to sign some divorce papers. But he has not. Give yourself a reality check when you need it. It is good to hear that you are starting a new job (hopefully with younger men around, unlike your last work place, if I am correct), and going to do the volunteer's job hopefully. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 Yes! They are younger. It is a company that sells nutritional supplements and all the sales men are yong and in shape and there is a gym on site.....much different from the grandmothers I work with now!!!!! I have tried writing down the qualities that he has and the ones the I have made up in my head and that does not seem to work. It hurts to see that he does not love me as much as I thought. How do I get rid of that image? Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 How do I get rid of that image? Time. As the love wore off with Juliet, I found it easier to see her weakpoints. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 I am counting on time to help....... I just hope it does with me Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 It is not "just" time, but what you do with it. I think you have already quite a few good ideas for that. And perhaps you will meet a guy on your job, during volunteering or wherever. That in itself may be helping you to recover from this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez It is not "just" time, but what you do with it. True. I wanted to emphasise the need to allow these things to run their course, but you are perfectly right to remind us of this. Link to post Share on other sites
ggallin13 Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 I always think of the bad things they did to me or the times when they let me down. As I reach for the phone, I replay all the crap I had to put up with and the urge to pick up the phone goes away. The urge to pick up the phone begins to occur less and less, and then pretty soon not at all. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 gggallin Good to know! Iwas doing so well last time with NC and then I broke. I guess I had too much hope that he had changed. I will try and remember all the crap as I reach for the phone......as I almost just did! Link to post Share on other sites
Jeannie Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 It's all about letting go....... no one wants to let go of bad relationships and be alone. There is nothing wrong with being single and alone for a while. You've got to tell yourself you deserve better and don't settle for the same crap over and over again. People can't seem to break the cycle - it's easier to go back to what's familiar and cling to the past. It's safer. You've got to force yourself to let go and move on. Takes guts, discipline (not to pick up the phone and call when you have those panic attacks) and being able to retrain yourself to STOP thinking about them (memories). Put a rubber band on your wrist. Everytime you think of him/her - snap it hard. Tell yourself "STOP IT - They suck - you deserve better - get on with your life!". Moving on quickly is the best revenge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 It is easier to go back to the cycle. That is why this time has to be different. It does not change that I am hurt though.I never heard of the rubber band thing-I will try it. I will have one red arm byt he end of the day as much as he crosses my mind-lol Letting go does suck. I should just remember that all the times I did go back, I ended up hurt again and the next time wouldbe no different. Iwish I hated him or he cheated or I had a reason other than he does not know how to love that I have to go. It would be easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 It is easier to go back to the cycle. That is why this time has to be different. It does not change that I am hurt though.I never heard of the rubber band thing-I will try it. I will have one red arm by the end of the day as much as he crosses my mind-lol Letting go does suck. I should just remember that all the times I did go back, I ended up hurt again and the next time wouldbe no different. Iwish I hated him or he cheated or I had a reason other than he does not know how to love that I have to go. It would be easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 It is easier to go back to the cycle. That is why this time has to be different. It does not change that I am hurt though.I never heard of the rubber band thing-I will try it. I will have one red arm byt he end of the day as much as he crosses my mind-lol Letting go does suck. I should just remember that all the times I did go back, I ended up hurt again and the next time wouldbe no different. Iwish I hated him or he cheated or I had a reason other than he does not know how to love that I have to go. It would be easier. Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Rubber band is a technique supposed to stop you thinking about someone. Every time you think of the person, snap the band - it hurts! After a while your brain realises that thinking of that person causes the hurt so you stop. No idea if it works but worth a try! Also imagine their image fading away - if it ever pops into your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 I guess what hurts most is that it is the same thing over and over. We talk and then he ignores me for a day or two and I chase and then he stops callikng alltogether as if I have done something wrong. It just sucks. If this were my friend, I would know what to tell her. When he ignores me that =rejection and I cannot get over that when I know I have done nothing wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 sorry that one was posted 2x. LS moving slow over here in my end? If I make a decision to not call or answer, does that give me the control? Am I in charge(assuming he calls again and I can not answer) I feel like I just want to scream!!!!!! I am actaully getting so sick of dealing with this! That could be a good sign? I am going stir crazy in my apt! It is crappy outside so I cannot go out there or swim? All I do is sit here and think. Maybe I will re read one fo the million "letting go" books I have. How can I hate him and love him at the same time! Love is not supposed to be like this is it? Hurtful? When someone loves you, they WANT to make you part of thier life and take an interest in yours right? It is not supposed to be so freaking one sided! Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Beth, instead of keeping yourself locked in the appartment, staring at the telephone, go out and do something positive. It will really help. The worst thing that could happen, is that you miss his phone-call. But that is something you intend to do anyways. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 I think the part that hurts is that I will not miss the call becasue he is not going to call. But, it would make me feel better if he did and I did not answer. It would give me control. I guess I should try and get out. I have been in here since Fri night!!!!! Just thinking and I hate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 Go out, get some air, it'll do you good. Try and pretend he is dead, how would you get on with your life if he evaporated from this earth. Think back to before you met him, you were happy then right? - and can be again. Imagine yourself being a popstar or someone you admire - Madonna would not be sat around in her apartment awaiting that phonecall so neither should you. He knows where to get hold of you, you might have to face up to the fact that he's just not that into you. Start getting on with enjoying your life and if he is into you he will be back and if not stuff him you have got better things to think about! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 4, 2005 Author Share Posted July 4, 2005 Ya know, I was fine before I met him? I was sometimes sad about not having a bf, but not like this! Good point. I am afraid to admit that he may just not be that into me. He tells me one thing and actions show another. I guess I may have to accpet that he just has too much on his life now and the reason we broke up in the first place was becasue he admitted he could not give me what i deserved. I should have never agreed to friends! What a mistake! I took a walk and it started to rain, so I came home and gave my puppy a bath. He was so cold and shaling and snuggled up with me and it was so cute. Kinda made my day. Sad I am amused by my dog! I have to find a way to stop revolving my life/thoughts around him, I just dont know where to begin. For 3 yrs, I have done this. A hard habit to break. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 Ya know, I was fine before I met him? I was sometimes sad about not having a bf, but not like this! Good point. Ironic, but true. It won't last though, I promise. Sad I am amused by my dog! Not sad at all. You're doing exactly the right thing - starting to find the little pleasures again. I remember after Juliet left, starting to find little pleasures like this - a sunny morning, nice music, a conversation with a friend, tidying a little something on my desk, someone doing something amusing in the street. There will be many pleasurable moments in your future! Keep going and you will find them. I have to find a way to stop revolving my life/thoughts around him, I just dont know where to begin. For 3 yrs, I have done this. A hard habit to break. Miffy and D'A are right. Go out and get some air. See friends. Try to have a little fun. It will work better with practice. Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Good on you girl, you have to start somewhere, now build on the foundations. I read a book called 'he's just not that into you' - it's a bit of a heart wrencher actually because all the excuses I heard, that seem half palatable at the time eg the sorry I was busy at work ones - are in there!!! It makes you realise that if they really loved you nothing would stop them from contacting. I had to face up to the fact that I was just an ego boost. I had the words not matching the actions too and it's so confusing so I am right with you there. If I were you I would work on making your life more exciting - if he does come back just think about all the things you can say you were busy doing, and if he doesn't then hopefully you will be so busy it will be easier to forget him. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts