Author smile95 Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 ok well here is my question now......I know I cannot be friends and he cannot have a conversation with me, so is my only option to just wake up tomorrow and go cold turkey-let him go. I cannot even be freinds since it cannot work.So I have to forget what he thinks of me and just move on right? Stupidly, I tried to call today and text to work out something and was ignored(as always). So really you cannot ever break up on good terms can you? Although it would be nice, it just is not possible ? When we tried just friends, it did not work, we tried to be together and that did not either! We love each other, but cannot get along????WTF? So as of tomorrow, I am moving on. I have to. I have been pulled back by his words too many times! I cried most of the day, but no more! He is so convincing with words, but ya know what a week ago he is telling me he loves me and today will not even speak to me, that is not love. I am so embaraased to even admit that I belived his words. This must really just be an ego thing for him. As far as him.....he knows now that he can get me back whenever. COnsidering this was the 6th freaking time! My goal is to let him try it and me be so strong that I will not even give HIM the time of day. Sorry.....had a rough day and all I did was ramble. But I think I have come to some conclusions today. Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 That's what it's about - coming on here to vent so you feel hopefully more in control outside of this safe environment. My opinion for what it's worth is that it is more of an addiction than love - you are both addicted to the buzz of an exciting relationship, even the downs are exciting because they make the highs feel that much higher. It's a big ego boost for him knowing that basically all he has to do is click his fingers and you will come running, why should he make any effort when he does not have to. He can dangle you like a puppet knowing his very actions make you happy or sad, what an ego boost for him! I only know what is said on here and don;t claim to be an expert in any shape but from what you've said, this relationship is damaging to you, even in it's 'friendship' form. Personally with friends like that..... You know you need to try NC but you secretly hope - like we all do - that he will turn out to be alright, that this was all some huge misunderstanding. Please don't let him do it to you - I suggest you read Paul McKenna - how to heal a broken heart - it;s good and explains why we feel the way we do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 you are so right. It feels like an addition. And when we fight and he ignores me for a month, we both are so excited to talk that we forget why we are mad and the reunion is elevated to a level that it should not be. I see the cycle. I know I am already damaged from this. For example, when he ignores me for months at a time and then calls, during the time we talk, each time he does not answer a call, I freak...fearing that this is another ignoring stage starting. So that casues me to call him maybe too much. Then he REALLY DOES ignore me. It is never ending. I have been reading a lot. I just wish I could explain how much I love him dispite all of this....or maybe I have no idea what love is? The fact that this is the 5-6th time for this cycle makes me sick. Each time, I swear"neer again" and somehow it happens. I am a sweet girl. I would do anything for him and I get sh%* on all the time by him. I guess he knows I will be there no matter what. Right now I am feeling rejected since he will not talk, but I know I can do NC. As you said, secretly I hope for him to come back with that tho. So I guess there comes a time when a couple calls it quits and is not friends. I just do not know how he can not talk to me and claim to love me and know that I am torn up about this. It breaks my heart. I have to realize he will never change. It is crazy, last time he ignored me, I just wanted to be friends. Then we were friends after a month of NC, and then at that point I was mad that he would tell me he loved me and never show it, so now that we are nothing I want more. When does this maddness end!!!!!!!! I am never happy. I guess I have to somehow stop basing my worth on whether or not he loves me or says so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 what I am trying to do now is making a list aof all the things that will be different w/out him in my life. Considering that we were long distance, I find it amusing that I cannot make a list! AllI have is "I will miss his calls telling me he loves me?" But really, I had to twist his arm to call! Iwill also miss the visits together, but those were so few and far between. That is so sad!It is not like I will miss having dinner with him or going out-he wasnever here! I am trying to make this list to feel better. Really I was alone all along. All i did was wait around for his calls. I lived for them. Now I just have to find a way to get my brain to process this information and use it to move on. I guess Iwill just miss the calls and the dreams we had together. THe dreams are the hard part to let go of. This may sounds dumb, but I really liked how he dressed and was respectful to others and had a good job and we had a lot in common. Are these things that other people will posess? I know it should be easy just to let go of the calls, but my life and mood was determined by those calls. Is there any other type of list that I could read daily to remind me that I am doing the right thing? Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 How about a list of things you WON'T miss about him for a start. How about a list of things you always wanted to do but never got around to because you were too busy waiting for that call. The trouble is you are too nice and it's not a challenge for him. Stop making yourself available from NOW, grab a mirror and tell yourself the s*** is going to stop from NOW because you are worth better. Let him think your life is just great without him, the trick is to not be nasty, just unavailable and soon you will have him wondering. Trust me if you used to call/text/email regularly then suddenly stop it won;t be long before his ego starts suffering and he will start chasing you. It's your turn to be chased a bit now, let him massage your ego. Start NC but don;t let him know you are doing it, miss his calls, don;t return them and if you do happen to pick the call up once in awhile, remember no mention of your relationship, your life is great (oh weren't you in it I didn't notice....). Trust me on this one, you get no points for being a doormat in this life - no matter how nice it looks and feels, it's still a doormat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 I would feel better to do that, but the problem is he never calls. He waits a month and then starts. Usually, though I chase for 2 wks. Not this time. I guess instead of chasing, doing NC is a better way to get it thru to him that I am moving on and do not care. As long as I chase him, he knows I care. It is just so confusing. Iwill NOT miss waiting for his calls, always asking to see him, waiting on broken promises! He does chase me but only after I am gone a while. But he point is, I would feel better if I could ignore him! But that will not happen. He will not call. I want to break this cycle. This has happened so many times that it has become so predictable. I want to get on with my life. I truly do. Each time I try to give myself closure, he comes back and I fall. I am working on a way to get closure and believe that no matter what, I am not doing this anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 How can he say he loves me...does he not have the correct meaning in his head? How can love be ignoring me when I need to talk? How can love be not caring about how his actions affect others. Ya know I do not feel so bad since he does this to his 3 yr old son also. Just a very selfish man. So the only way to really hurt his ego is to stop feedling it, correct? One day down the road maybe he will realize I am not calling him. Prob not any time soon, but he will realize it. Just a week ago he was so sweet to me and telling me such wonderful things. I may have called a little too much this wkend wanting to talk, but he never replied, so if course I was hurt. I guess I thought if we loved each other we would want to talk? My bad I guess! All it did was annoy him!I guess the plus side is at least we are not married. Link to post Share on other sites
Miffy Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Yes Beth you are right about the 'not being married' bit. Trust me I know all about it - not up for discussion here but look up some of the posts I started if you are interested. Anyway back to you, trust me he will notice you aren't calling him. What you have to realise is that he is only telling you you are wonderful in the hope that you will return the compliment and feed his ego. If he loved you like he says of course he would want to talk to you, he would be exactly like you are with him at first, then it would settle down into a comfortable trusting relationship in which you feel loved and he keeps his promises. Sadly that hasn't happened and I think you are wasting your time. A LDR needs even more input to make it work, not less - you aregetting a bad deal. Cut him out completely, give yourself time to grieve, read some good self help books - how to mend a broken heart, women who love too much - that sort of thing, then move on. Pretend he's dead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 6, 2005 Author Share Posted July 6, 2005 he called today and left a message that he was away from his phone for 5 days....right! I did not reply or anything!!!! 1st time ever! he is lying to me-I feel it. I just have to not care. I am dying to call and call him out, but I am bigger than that. I hope-lol. It is early, lust kiddin'. I will not call! Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Good to hear that you did not respond Beth. And even better to read that your dog has such a positive influence on your life. Keep up the resolve, and it will get easier! Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 6, 2005 Author Share Posted July 6, 2005 thanks...I feel like I am getting control of things and yes my dog is great! I think I like him better than humans-lol. I think he is half human tho! He lets me rock him and he lays with me and always licks my tears, we play hide n seek. He is the only thing sometimes that makes me smile all day....somedays he is the only thing I talk to! sad huh??? lol Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 It is not sad, that you only have your dog to talk to. If you are naturally a more indoors-person, it is something that would happen on a regular basis anyways. It does not mean, that it is the most healthy attitude - you must try to avoid thinking about the guy, and for most people that means occupying their time with all kind of (pleasant) activities. Your dog can be very helpful in that.How is the idea of volunteering coming to fruition? Link to post Share on other sites
Author smile95 Posted July 6, 2005 Author Share Posted July 6, 2005 I am going to look into volunteering after I get settled with the new job. But I look fwd to it! Link to post Share on other sites
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