StuckInPast Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 Hi there-- I'm a guy in my mid-40s. My wife and I (marriage #2 for both of us) have been married for 14 years, and by all accounts, have a great life together. We've had some ups and downs, but just the normal rhythms of life. I married my first wife (often referring to her as "starter wife") when we were both pretty young, before I finished college. We were married about five years, and she wound up cheating as a way to get me to end the marriage. Mission accomplished. My problem is that I still find myself spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about that relationship and time in my life. (now almost 25 years ago) I've spent some pleasant times with my ex-wife since we split, (fully supported by my wife) and there were absolutely no feelings of regret or wondering what could've been, etc. Quite the opposite, actually. Am I making too big a deal about this? I often find myself listening to music from that time, fondly remembering how it felt to be young and in love with our whole lives ahead of us, etc. I was more strongly physically attracted to my ex-wife at that time than I've been to my wife, but I love her completely and have absolutely no interest in doing anything that would jeopardize my marriage. So, how can I put the past in the past and focus more on the here and now? Link to post Share on other sites
Lowrider93 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 It's ok to remember the good or bad memories of your past as long as you keep things in perspective, music will always bring me back to my youth when I didn't have a care in the world. It sounds like you have a pretty good life with your number two wife. They say if it works don't try and fix it. Don't mess with Success! Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 At a minimum, it sounds like you need to cut off all contact with your ex. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Jeff1690 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 I agree with cutting contact with the first wife. If you have kids with her just stick to logistics. Work harder at doing romantic and fun things with current wife. Be happy that you have a good marriage. Remember the pain wife 1 put you through with her cheating. That is what I am doing to squash feelings of love for my soon to be ex. Link to post Share on other sites
heydad75 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 It sounds like you have a great relationship with your current wife. Why would you want to jeopardize that? I am not sure if you have children with your ex but continued contact with her might not be the best idea. I think as a man we always are tempted with nostalgia and old memories. Sometimes, we need to look in front of us and live for what we are blessed with each day. It sounds encouraging that you are on this forum because you are struggling with this. I think all the ideas provided are great... I would encourage you to keep investing and pursuing your wife and keep committed to her. Sincerely, Heydad75 Link to post Share on other sites
planning4later Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 I agree with all the posters here. We often forget the reasons why we split up in the first place. Events of the past tend to become selectively positive the more time goes by. I would say your thoughts about wife #1 are merely instinctive and chemical. They have nothing to do with what is wise. My ex wife beat me to the point of bruises and I still think about her. Isn't that crazy? But I override my emotions. The mind should rule the heart; not the other way around. Only when the mind decides it's wise and good should the heart follow suit. However, know that your heart won't agree. You can't go based on what you feel. I encourage you to nurture your current marriage. I believe that emotions and love can be grown. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 We can't always control what we feel/think about, so I'm not going to suggest you stop doing either. BUT, you deserve a happy new life, a continuum, with your current wife. The one who stuck with you and is still there. I am curious. It is often the dumpee who continues to pine over an ex. You are clearly the dumpee. You said that she had an affair to end things with you. So, regardless of who said "goodbye," she effectively achieved her goal of ending the relationship. Why did she want to end it? I also find it interesting that she thought the only way to end things with you was to have an affair. Anyway, move on and with your current wife. Link to post Share on other sites
planning4later Posted August 26, 2016 Share Posted August 26, 2016 We can't always control what we feel/think about, so I'm not going to suggest you stop doing either. BUT, you deserve a happy new life, a continuum, with your current wife. The one who stuck with you and is still there. I am curious. It is often the dumpee who continues to pine over an ex. You are clearly the dumpee. You said that she had an affair to end things with you. So, regardless of who said "goodbye," she effectively achieved her goal of ending the relationship. Why did she want to end it? I also find it interesting that she thought the only way to end things with you was to have an affair. Anyway, move on and with your current wife. Not to get on a tangent but... I think that, while the dumpee may continue to "pine" as you say, the dumpER has the struggle of living with their decision and possible regret. Neither position is good, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 Two quick and easy suggestions. First, keep your mouth shut. This is not a topic to discuss with your wife. She is hardly in a position to offer neutral, objective advice. So don't use her as a sounding board. That's what LS is for, or a professional counselor. Second, every time nostalgia hits you ask yourself whether she is an Ex for a reason. Then think about those reasons. Not the happy memories of a vanished youthful romance. Simplify your life. Focus on keeping current W involved and happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 okay man..here it is. It sounds like you got some mid life thing going on with some sexual boredom with your wife of 14 yrs. It is good thing that you came here to talk about feelings and urges that you definitely do not want to share with your wife....no good will come of it and it will hurt her greatly.... it will also make her feel very insecure. Now, nut up and show your current wife the respect she deserves that you promised her in your wedding vows...God knows she has paid her dues. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInPast Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 Thanks so much for the responses, you guys; much appreciated. A couple things: Contact with the ex has been extremely rare and non-threatening. Last time was probably 4 years ago, where we had dinner and I shot photos of her daughter for her afterwards. We have no kids together. I had basically decided that it was so weird for someone to go from being the most important person in your life to an afterthought, but I do feel now that I have the closure I needed. It was also important for me to show her I was over it, forgave her, and now have a life that simply wouldn't have happened with her. (meanwhile, she's a single mom living in her parents' basement) She decided that she'd rather not be married anymore and never had the guts to speak up or do anything about it, so she chose the affair. I was also quite a needy young husband at that time. My life now is radically different (better) than it would've been had we stayed together. Thanks again, everyone, for the advice, and for the sounding board. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 I've spent some pleasant times with my ex-wife since we split, (fully supported by my wife) and there were absolutely no feelings of regret or wondering what could've been, etc. Why on earth would your wife agree to this? Recipe for disaster, as witnessed by your post here... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInPast Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 Because she trusts me. Actually, those three meetings all left me feeling very thankful, like I dodged a bullet, wondering how it was that we wound up together in the first place. It was just important to me to show starter wife that I was fine and harbored no resentment. The more I think about this, I can honestly say that what I find myself pining for that time in my life much more than for her. But I do absolutely recognize how fortune I am to have the life I do now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 (edited) Not to get on a tangent but... I think that, while the dumpee may continue to "pine" as you say, the dumpER has the struggle of living with their decision and possible regret. Neither position is good, IMO. I agree, provided that the dumper has anything to regret. I wonder if the ex wife does. I mean, she went to some lengths (affairs) to get away from him and rarely makes contact. Why go to such lenghts instead of asking for a divorce, insisting...perhaps she did and he refused to listen??? Edited August 27, 2016 by simpleNfit Link to post Share on other sites
desertfunguy Posted August 27, 2016 Share Posted August 27, 2016 I have a really tough situation going on, but could relate to this. I have an ex, not a wife but a girlfriend of 6 years. We lived together and did everything but the marriage and kids. I loved her immensely and she was gorgeous. She actually modeled in exercise videos that they sold on TV. We finally broke-up, it was just too hard, we were politically in different worlds, and she was never fully happy. Within a few months of us breaking up, she was with a new guy and I had moved forwards. She got married a year later, and we stayed in touch because I had met her as a friend of her fathers. He and I are still friends - but now rarely communicate and never discuss his daughter. He and I were very close at one time, and that loss of a friend and mentor was more damaging then the loss of the girlfriend. A couple of years later, I got married and she did not get invited to the wedding. Another, less important girlfriend of mine, nothing serious, but she was extremely good looking crashed the wedding and did the money dance with me. It was actually funny, and she gave me 100$. I never kept contact with any of the ex-girlfriends and I think that was proper. The one I was with for six years was basically a wife, without the wedding. I did not want to muddle my feelings. Once every few years, I would look her up on facebook just to see if she was alive and well, curious to see how she was doing, but I never made contact. I think it was the right thing to do, but part of me wishes that she and a few others were still in my orbit of friends so as my marriage dwindles I would have at least some friends to talk with, he knew me intimately and might help rebuild my confidence. None of them hurt me like this one has, and I respect them for the love they gave, when they could and for not being a person who ever mentally abused me. That being said, your wife sounds like a sweetheart, and if I had that, I would not toy with her emotions and keep those friendships alive. It might hurt a bit, but I think you know it is true, or you would not have asked this question. It was also right for me, logically and ethically, but emotionally, now it would be nice, but I am gregarious and will find new adventures. Avoid having to be gregarious again if you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StuckInPast Posted August 27, 2016 Author Share Posted August 27, 2016 In this case, the dumper never mentioned that she was unhappy or had any desire to split. I don't think she ever regretted splitting up, but probably would've handled it differently. She was still dealing with some pretty heavy guilt, but whatever. She never was very good at communicating her feelings or desires. Thanks again for reading / commenting... Just getting this out has been a big help. Link to post Share on other sites
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